Isolation

[DaveP]

Another lovely summer's day. Sun streaming in, kids laughing and playing outside. I should be going out for a bike ride or doing the garden, but I can't get any enthusiasm going. When I'm out, I feel detached from everyone else, almost like I'm a ghost. I try to avoid talking to anyone, partly because they're not on the same wavelength, and partly because I get choked up so easily. I know I'm drinking too much but I don't really care at the moment. I keep thinking everything will go back to normal soon, then realize that nothing will ever be the same again. This happens over and over again. Bereavement is really horrible.

[Karena]

I felt like a ghost for a long time.I had to go to work but even there was detached from everything.I,m lucky,my garden is fairly private but I created a quiet corner where I wasn't overlooked at all.Usually the garden is my favourite place to be and when i moved here it needed a lot of work so i could get wrapped up in that but even then it hurtwhen I could hear familys or groups with the BBQ,s and fun.Also to go to the local shop I have to pass 3 pubs with everyone sat outside.
I am more engaged now at work but nearly all my friends live away from here and of course have their own family's,so I spend a lot of weekends on my own.Its better now though than it was,I got used too it and to filling the time.

[Emz2014]

  DaveP xx

[Hubby]

It's very hard to get motivated Dave. In fact as time has moved on it seems to be getting harder for me. After losing her husband one of my wife's Aunts went to bed and never got up again until she passed away many years later. I can now understand how easy it would be to do that.

[quietstorm]

Dave I totally get what you are saying. Life just carries on and leaves us behind. Life stops for us and no one cares or understands, apart from the kind people here, and those we meet who have been through it.
I'm drinking too much too just to be able to sleep for about three hours a night.
Thinking of you and understanding your pain and sadness xx

[DaveP]

Thanks for the replies.

It's six weeks now since Helen passed. I feel worse now than I did during the first couple of weeks. There was so much to do back then, but I got through it all in a kind of daze. Everyone was very kind and sympathetic, saying how well I seemed to be coping etc. Now life has gone back to normal for everyone else, quite naturally, they won't be grieving in the same way that I am. But the feeling that it's somehow become "yesterday's news" is really painful to me.

Part of me just can't accept that Helen's gone forever. I still expect to see her every morning when I wake up. If I make a cup of tea, I get out two cups. I'm always getting caught out like that. I get a claustrophobic, anxious feeling, almost like panic, when the reality hits me yet again.

I've been drinking a lot ever since Helen's last illness when I was drinking vodka just to keep going. I became her full-time carer, and it got very intense towards the end. Now at least I'm not drinking in the day, but get through a bottle or two of wine and a couple of brandies every night. I know this isn't good. Evenings are just horrible though, being so alone in the flat and imagining all the conversations we would be having.

Last week, I went to a CRUSE bereavement group. There's a waiting list for one-to-one counsellors, but you can go to group meetings while you wait. I don't know if it's for me. I couldn't say much because I get choked up so easily. I don't even know if one-to-one will help. Anyway, I'll go to the group again this week and will give the counselling a go when it comes up.

[Karena]

I never had group counselling but one to one,the first couple of weeks I felt worse after,but kept going and it did get better.Not a miracle cure for grief there is no such thing as that,but definitely helped with the way I was thinking about things.
It was a long time before I stopped making two cups of coffee in a morning,and even then would find myself halfway through sometimes
The feeling that the worlds has moved on is also familiar the thing is when your whole being is taken with grief,everything you are and do is grief and you live and breathe grief it does feel like that because nothing else matters.I think the poem "stop all the clocks"  by WH Auden describes it much better than I can.
You're right the drinking isn't good but you are by no means on your own with doing that.I have two friends who did the same but gradually stopped the excessive amounts of the earlier days.
But you already recognise it could be an issue so you're a bit ahead with that.

[Emz2014]

Six weeks isnt long atall.    Unfortunately it seems a common stage where everyone returns to their lives leaving us feeling frozen in our grief The journey can feel so slow, but gradually, slowly over time it will get easier. Focus on just one day at a time, or even an hour at a time. You need to be gentle with yourself right now
Have you thought about trying our chat room in an evening?  That might help to fill the time a bit and feel less isolated xx

[DaveP]

I went to the group this morning. There were five others there, so not too many to cope with. It was better than last time. It was good to talk with people going through the same things as me without having to explain or "apologise" for getting tearful. Also good to be able to offer a few words of encouragement here and there myself. There was a feeling of everyone being in the same boat, and I think we all felt a bit stronger for being there.

Karena, I think you're right that the drinking will adjust itself in time. I've gone through times of heavier drinking before, and then eased back out of it with no problems. At the moment it's "whatever gets you through the night".

Emz, yes I'm definitely taking things slowly. It's only been six weeks, but thinking back to the day Helen died, it seems like years. I've never been great with chat rooms. I might give it a go, but can't even find it on the site!

[Emz2014]

Karena, can you give some guidance on the chat room and how to get in? (I don't remember how to get there now we have new style forum) 

It's very simple (once you know how to get in!) so may help you in the eves  xx

[Karena]

Actually that's something we need to look into I can't see a direct link from her any more.But you can get in from Facebook group I think or go through buk main site.www.bereavementuk.co.uk There is a link from there.look for menu on left its about 8 down.Live evening chat.You need to login but just user name.


Glad you gave the group another go and found it better.

[Hubby]

Six weeks is no time at all Dave. In my experience that was when the initial numbness was wearing off and the reality kicking in. Whatever gets you through is the order of the day.

Wishing you strength. 

[Rachaellee]

It's been a few weeks for me, too, and I certainly feel worse now. I was angry the first night and ripped up my house, then just...numb. Now, sad and lonely. I stay up all night and watch baseball. I work from home, so I don't really don't see anyone, or feel like explaining what happened. Know you are not alone.