Author Topic: Feeling guilty  (Read 2138 times)

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Offline Jue

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Feeling guilty
« on: November 24, 2017, 07:54:10 PM »
I lost my husband in January of this year after a long battle with cancer. I am overwhelmed by feelings of grief and  guilt. We had a Marie Curie nurse in the house overnight and I fell asleep next to my husband and I woke to hear him take his last breath. I had been holding his hand for several days before but out of exhaustion I had fallen asleep and wasn't holding his hand when he died. I worry that he didn't know I was there and feel so very  gulity. I keep trying hard to get past it but I just keep crying and hating myself.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Feeling guilty
« Reply #1 on: November 24, 2017, 08:09:37 PM »
Sending a welcome hug  :hug:
I'm very sure he knew you were there with him.  We don't have to be touching to know a loved one is lying next to us, there's a connection there that we can still sense them there even if not touching.   :hearts:  guilt and what-if questions are very normal parts of the grief journey, please try and be gentle with yourself xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Jue

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Re: Feeling guilty
« Reply #2 on: November 24, 2017, 08:32:50 PM »
Thank you but  we were in separate beds as he was in an adapted  one because of the pain in his spine so maybe its not the same as being in the same bed . The marie curie nurse told me to try to sleep and she kept checking on him. I know that I am going over and over it in my head as it is coming up to the time  a year ago when he was at his most poorly. Is all this normal, feel as if i am wearing myself out or going mad.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Feeling guilty
« Reply #3 on: November 25, 2017, 04:46:18 PM »
It's easy to get ourselves into these spiraling thoughts. Its important to remember you did all you could, you had to sleep, your husband would want you to look after your health.  Have you spoken to your GP? Perhaps it may help you to have some counselling?  Help you to work through these thoughts  :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline quietstorm

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Re: Feeling guilty
« Reply #4 on: November 27, 2017, 12:33:25 AM »
Hello Jue.
I’m so sorry for your loss of your dear husband and I do understand some of what you are feeling. I feel terrible that my husband died alone in a house he was working on. He died at work and never came home. I am tormented with guilt that he died alone and scared.
I just wanted to say to you two things :hug:
I worked for Marie curie and in my local hospice for a number of years and I really feel your dear husband passed away knowing that you were close to him and I’m sure he knew how much you loved him.
And the other thing I wanted to say was. .. if your roles were reversed  :hug: I’m sure you would know just how much your husband loved and cared for you and would understand the exhaustion that we all feel when someone we love so much is so unwell.
Actually there are three things.  I truly believe that some people pass away when they are aware that they are alone. They do it to protect us. It’s something we used to discuss a lot when I worked at the hospice.  Some people seemed to wait until their loved ones had gone out of the room.

I think we all have these awful flashbacks and terrible feelings of guilt because we love them so much.
Im sorry if my words are no help I just wanted to send you my love xxx