Author Topic: Alone  (Read 2394 times)

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Offline Monster Bear

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Alone
« on: February 22, 2019, 10:40:34 PM »
In January this year I lost my beautiful wife after 32 years of love and happiness. My girl was (still is) my soulmate, best friend and buddy. We did everything together, sharing everything and working as a team together. Since loosing my beautiful girl I’ve had to do everything myself, think and plan, do all the finances and all the legal stuff relating to her passing. I run a very busy and dynamic household with responsibility for nine children, now all on my own.

Out of all of this I feel under pressure having to be the sole “responsible” one. Most of all I feel very alone. My girl was my life and together with the kids was my purpose in life. Now the kids are my purpose but I cannot help feeling very empty and alone without my girl, especially at night when everything stops and my mind works overtime preventing me sleeping in spite of being exhausted.

Anyone recognise this, the odd thing is I really miss simply adult conversation as my girl and I would speak all the time even when I was at work. I understand that the pain will not ease and I have to adjust to that, but I just cannot stand that I cannot chat about anything with her.
Mad Dad of nine 🤪

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Alone
« Reply #1 on: February 23, 2019, 11:16:49 AM »
Hello Monster Bear,

Does anyone recognise this? Probably everybody, I think. I certainly do. It's a bit different for me, it was my mum I lost, but we lived together and I was her carer since the death of my dad in 1985. She was fairly well most of the time, but had a heat condition that made her short of breath and gave her problems from time to time, eventually leading to a couple of strokes. She recovered well, but could not do anything in the house much as could not stand for long. I feel like she was my soulmate. We liked the same things, held much the same opinions, went everywhere together and was lovely to come home to and chat about your day with. She always had really good ideas about how to solve any problems and I really miss her so much.

I think one of the hardest aspects of life after she was gone was having to deal with all the financial and legal stuff. The IHT process was an absolute nightmare and has taken more than a year to sort out. I had a huge amount of stress due to that and several friends have told me they can actually see the difference in me now that a large part of that has lifted! So I know all about feeling like the pressure of being the responsible one also. I felt it when my dad died and do again now, if in a different way.

I think the nights are the worst. That, in the early days certainly, is when you tend to go over the last few months of your loved one's life, being hard on yourself for not having done this or that or wondering, if you'd known something or other sooner, it could have changed things and regretting anything you wished you had said and didn't etc. It seems to be a self-blame time and is made worse by the fact that night is probably the time you are most aware of the emptiness of the house without that person in it. The silence and the fact of being alone makes it all harder and more acute.

I haven't slept much either since mum died. I actually woke up this morning so pleased with myself for having, for the first time since mum died, slept for seven hours straight, albeit due to exhaustion, I think. Usually I either can't sleep at all and end up getting up and doing something else till I feel tired enough to try again, or keep waking up every two hours or so. It's been like that since she died in October 2017. And feeling tired and exhausted all the time just makes everything worse.

I had a tough week at work this last week and got very upset about it, so I think the stress of that has made me more exhausted and that is where I miss mum even more. In the old days, I would have come home and chatted it all over with her and am sure she would have had some wise words to offer as well as sympathy and being able to talk about your day to someone in itself, helps relieve the stress. Now I don't have that so know exactly what you mean about missing adult conversation. It makes you bottle things up more and that isn't good for you either and also increases the stress.

I find talking on here and on the facebook group really helps with that, as we are all going through the same thing and having similar feelings and it really helped me feel less alone when I found this group. I think just writing down how you are feeling and knowing others are feeling much the same is a comfort. I write in a diary too and find that helps also. I do try to get out of the house a couple of times a week and that is also a big help. I joined a class and find I can talk to some of the very nice friends I have made there and it takes me out of myself and makes me focus on something else for a while and forget my troubles. Perhaps that might help you too. Otherwise I walk in the park and find that very calming and healing. Having flowers around the house also seems to help.

It's a very tough journey to build a life without those you have loved in it, but knowing they would want the best for you gives me courage and being creative in finding new things to do that give me some pleasure in life has helped a lot and is gradually helping me move forward, so take your time, but try to bring some positive new things into your life and this will probably help. With the sleeping problem, I have occasionally used Nytol to help with that. It does a little.

Stay strong. It sounds like you had a wonderful life with your lovely wife and have a wonderful family to show for it as well as lots of lovely memories. You might like to put together a special album of your favourite photos of your wife. That helped me. Also encourage the family to put together a memory box. I have heard that some people put special items and pictures into a box to help hold those special memories of their lost loved one or write down little things and episodes that they remember and put them either down in a book or on scraps of paper in a jar, so that when they feel down, they can pull one out or have a glance through the book to remind themselves of good memories and times they shared with that person. Would that perhaps be good for the children?

Anyway, you are not on your own here, Monster Bear. We all know exactly how you are feeliing and it does get better. It just takes a very long and painful time to improve. You can't change the past or get your loved one back, but you can eventually find your way to a place where you can live with that and inch slowly forward into the new changed life you find yourself in.

Sending hugs and sympathy :hug:

Offline Monster Bear

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Re: Alone
« Reply #2 on: February 23, 2019, 02:00:08 PM »
Thank you so much Sandra61, for replying and for your wonderful thoughts which seems obviously to me to have come from your heart and frankly brought me to the point of tears the first time I read them. You understand ❤️
I’m so sorry to hear about your Mum who sounds a wonderful person (and your Dad), she was blessed to have such a wonderful daughter looking after her and making her life rich with happiness and love.
You come across to me as a lovely caring person and the world is all the better for having persons like you in it 😀 You have a long journey ahead of you just like me, but I’m so impressed (if I may say that) as to how “with it” you already are and how determined you are 👍
My beautiful girl passed on the 11th January so it has only been six weeks and everything is very raw but I am keeping going for the kids and for my girl who I know with complete certainty will want me “up and running” and not curled up in a ball like I want to be sometimes.
I have tried to make the time since my girl passed as good and as positive as I can for the kids, I’ve framed their favourite photos of mum for them to hang by their beds and for me I have well turned my bedroom into a kind of shrine to my beautiful baby with memories of our special times together. We would “escape” the kids for weekends away and to shows, the cinema just to get time for us together. Being in a busy household where there was at any time up to ten people, three dogs and five cats (mustn’t forget Binty the hamster) there was little time for us but we still found time to cuddle on the sofa and hug when passing in the hallway.
My girl was far far more than just my wife, she was / is the other half of me. We would finish each other’s sentences, know what the other was thinking without words being spoken, treat each other unselfishly......the list is endless, you get what I mean. But here I am now without my baby and having to be the responsible one which I certainly am not 😀
Your thoughts about the last months and weeks are so true, baby became ill well you could say at the start of October 2018 from CUP Cancer of the Unknown Primary so they didn’t really know how to treat baby and in spite of every test they could think of and there were a lot they never found out what the primary was. Up to the last week of baby’s life the doctors said we had a good year to go and they could treat her. At the start of her last week they suddenly switched to pulling me to one side in the hospital and told me we had hours left not even days.
I had to rush the children to see her and with most of them being grown up apart from the three youngest and one was overseas it was a logistical nightmare whilst coming to terms that my baby was imminently about to die. My girl bravely lasted five days not five hours which enabled me to do everything I could for her to help her pass with dignity an in as little pain as possible enabling the kids and I to say our goodbyes.
I have played the mind game of what if I’d done this, said that but I have been told by everyone involved that I fought for my girl every step of the way right from first diagnosis so if (big if) I believe them then I understand I should not have any guilt......hmm working on that one.
I feel you understand and I have read some of the other posts on the site which are encouraging.
I intend to write a small book of memories so that I can pass this on to our grandchildren (first one due in April) so they can learn about their Omi (Grandmother). A diary is a very good idea, just to express how I’m feeling and was not something I had thought of.
It is the adult conversation that I really miss, I talked to my girl all the time and we’d text constantly when I was at work. Not having baby to talk to is perhaps at the moment the thing that is really doing me in, talking to the kids isn’t the same and our friends are full of grief too so I don’t want to burden them. Lol as for school mums, that is a complete nightmare and I’m trying to steer away from all of that. It’s almost as if I don’t want to grieve but just talk, does that make sense?
As for things to do, already on that as I plan a lot of charity work for both Keech and Cancer Research doing cycling, running and extreme activities to raise money. I’ve been speaking to Keech already who are fully supportive.
For the kids I’m trying the laughter and happy memories approach which seems to be working so far as they’re all functioning ok but you can never be sure so I watch them all like a hawk but not smothering.
Sleep, well that is very hit n miss at the moment. I’m sure exhaustion will made it happen (has so far lol). I will eventually settle into a routine again.
Thank you again for your kindness in supporting a total stranger, you’re a very good person and I’m here for you to listen and talk to if you like.
Mad Dad of nine 🤪

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Alone
« Reply #3 on: February 24, 2019, 12:36:11 PM »
Thank you for your kind and lovely words, Monster Bear. I am glad they seem to have helped. I think it sounds like you have a great approach to coping with everything. You sound like you are being as positive as you can be and that is the best way to be.

I am sure you have nothing to feel guilty about. It sounds like you and your lady had a wonderful relationship and that you brought as much happiness and love into her life as you could. What better way is there to love someone?

It is still very early days for you and luckily you have found this website early on. I think talking is very important when you have lost someone and this is one of the best places to do it. Everyone here will understand and, if you feel the need for some adult conversation, try the live chat sessions in the evenings on here. That might help.

As for not wanting to burden your friends who are also grieving, I would say burden away to the closest few! What you are going through as her husband must be so much worse than what they are experiencing. You are allowed to hurt and to need a shoulder! Unfortunately, in my own and others' experience, friends can surprise you in bad ways as well as good and some expect you to feel better in a short time and fall away when you don't! Others just don't know what to say or aren't really interested and so don''t respond at all! I was lucky enough to find a great new friend in a similar position to me when I took up a new interest and joined a class to take me out of myself and distract myself for a couple of hours a week. I took up ballroom dancing. It was something my mum always loved in her younger days and something I had always wanted to learn and it was the best thing I could have done. It got me out of the house and made me think about something else for a couple of hours a week and provided a counter-balance to all the misery I was going through in the rest of my life. I would go so far as to say it saved me from sinking into a deep depression and I would not be without it now! It's still my lifeline to a bit of happiness!

I do know what you mean about just being able to talk. It is important to be able to talk to someone and I can talk to my friend from my class. It was more than six months before I found this website and have found it a huge comfort since, but I came looking for it because I needed to talk and felt a pent up need to do so from all the preceding months. Even my brother doesn't want to talk about it with me much. I think he prefers to hold it all inside. Either that or he doesn't feel the need to talk. I use both this forum and the facebook group and it really helps to hear that others are going through the same kinds of struggles and to be able to express how you are feeling on here - about anything, not just your loss or your grief. But then, your loss and your grief do colour and influence everything once they are part of your life. Such a huge upheaval in your life changes every aspect of it and that in itself, is hard to adjust to.

Anyway, keep talking to us on here as much as you like. You will always find a sympathetic ear, but I think you are doing great so far. I am sure your lady would be proud of you.   :hearts: