Author Topic: How will I cope with this?  (Read 11640 times)

0 Members and 2 Guests are viewing this topic.

Offline Dibsy

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 26
  • Karma: +2/-0
How will I cope with this?
« on: April 22, 2019, 04:05:16 PM »
I heard over the weekend that my long term partner has probably only about two weeks left. The Doctors have been quite truthful; they detailed the many health problems facing my partner which I was glad they told me about as I really needed to know. His illness has come on very quickly and he is in a lot of pain which they are trying to control. Seeing my partner in hospital today, because of his illness, he no longer recognises me.  It is really awful seeing him in such a state, I spend hours talking to him and his personality has changed so much, I know he doesn't mean it when he says 'get off' if I hold his hand, I think this is because of the pain. I have had a very difficult life and then we found each other, he is such a lovely man and we had many plans for the future, we both felt we had found someone special. I know at this time I shouldn't be thinking about myself but I keep thinking that having found someone so lovely, they are now being snatched away from me. I was OK while speaking with the Doctor but then he asked me 'who is looking after you'? That destroyed me because I have no one and it brought home to me he won't be around. The closeness, loving, caring for someone and friendship will all be gone, snatched away. I looked after my Father and then my Mother before they died a few years ago but I don't know how to deal with this. I can't understand how it seems so much worse now. 

Offline Emz2014

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1904
  • Karma: +130/-0
Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #1 on: April 22, 2019, 10:05:48 PM »
Its an understandable fear - losing your partner is so personal.  And its only natural to also think about yourself aswell in this circumstance. Sending you a big hug, you are not alone here  :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2132
  • Karma: +145/-0
Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #2 on: April 23, 2019, 09:52:04 AM »
It isnt selfish that you are thinking like that,it is very natural to worry how you will cope especially on your own.
Grief for different people does differ, it doesnt mean we loved one more than the other - i have been widowed twice and the second time was different to the first, perhaps its becomes an accumulation.I think not only the pain but sometimes the pain killers are behind the way they respond.The first time,he said some really dreadful things on occasions, but it was a combination of pain killers and fear, eventually you overcome those memorys, you dont forget them but you bring forward in your mind the person they were before the illness and focus on those instead, knowing that they were not themselves at the time, also sometimes i think they are fearful for us,and try to distance themselves from us as a result.
All you can do is take one day,one hour at a time, and i know it sounds like a cliche but it really is the case. We will be here for you and although we are stangers on an onternet forum Emz is right,you are not alone. :hug:

Offline Dibsy

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 26
  • Karma: +2/-0
Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #3 on: April 23, 2019, 07:32:22 PM »
Thank you both for your replies. I think initially hearing all this bad news it was so unexpected it sent me spiralling into the unknown, not knowing what to think but I now realise the most important thing for me to do is to be with my partner as much as possible and to help him all that I can. I am focused on that now and everything else can wait. Thank you for your support and comments, I am glad I found this site.

Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2132
  • Karma: +145/-0
Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #4 on: April 24, 2019, 09:54:56 AM »
 :hug: you are right, just remember if he shoves you away, it isnt because he doesnt love you. We will be here as long as you need.

Offline Dibsy

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 26
  • Karma: +2/-0
Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #5 on: April 24, 2019, 07:53:57 PM »
Thank you, I am thinking straight now after the initial shock, I do appreciate your comments.

Offline CarolineL

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 55
  • Karma: +7/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Be kind to yourself
Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #6 on: April 30, 2019, 07:45:33 PM »
Hi and can I say how sad it is to hear your story as I too went through similar when my husband was ill before he passed. He had liver cancer and as the liver isn't filtering the blood properly then those toxins reach the brain and change their character. Bless you my dear and please take care of yourself its really important that you do big hugs xxxx

Offline Dibsy

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 26
  • Karma: +2/-0
Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #7 on: April 30, 2019, 10:40:40 PM »
Thank you so much for your kind words, we are spending as much time as possible together and he is much more aware now with the medical care he has been receiving.  We are taking it day by day. Your comments are very much appreciated. You are all being so kind.

Offline Louise53

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 11
  • Karma: +1/-0
Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #8 on: May 01, 2019, 09:34:57 PM »
I was with my husband all the time until he died and I told him over and over how much I loved him. I think it helped both of us and I am pleased that he passed feeling loved. My heart goes out to you - I am so sorry. I send you strength and courage and love.

Offline Dibsy

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 26
  • Karma: +2/-0
Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #9 on: May 02, 2019, 06:17:17 PM »
Thank you all for your kind comments. It is reassuring and comforting to know that there are people on this site who understand.

Offline Dibsy

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 26
  • Karma: +2/-0
Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #10 on: May 28, 2019, 05:33:31 PM »
Well he was determined and held on for five weeks and passed away last Saturday. He was very lucid in the last four weeks under medication but really he had had enough.  He was in such pain and often I had to insist on pain relief for him, at least I know now he is not hurting. He was so desperate in the end he asked if I could do something for him to end his pain but I had to say no I couldn't. He was so thin and weak it was awful to see him suffering so much. On my last visit he was worried I would leave him and I said over and over I would never leave him as I loved him so very much. I'm so glad I emphasised this to him. I just can't believe he isn't here any more and the feeling is one of complete emptiness he was such a lovely man. I'm finding it very hard to deal with all this and now have two of his distant relatives who haven't visited for years who think they are entitled to this and that. I don't know how people deal with this loss. When my Mother died a few years ago I didn't get into this state although to this day I still love and miss her very much.

Offline Emz2014

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1904
  • Karma: +130/-0
Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #11 on: May 28, 2019, 08:21:27 PM »
Sending you a huge hug  :hug:
The only way we get through this rollercoaster journey is to try and take things a day at a time. Dont overwhelm yourself thinking too far ahead - be gentle with yourself and do what you can to keep eating well
We're here xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline green dragon

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 47
  • Karma: +5/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #12 on: May 29, 2019, 03:10:38 PM »
I'm finding it very hard to deal with all this and now have two of his distant relatives who haven't visited for years who think they are entitled to this and that. I don't know how people deal with this loss.

have you spoken to a solicitor? You need to be very aware of the law, so you do not get too overwhelmed (understatement of the year, I know) at this time. It might all be very clear and they may just end up being a nuisance, but the more knowledge you have the easier it will be to deal with this extra problem. Sadly this is often part and parcel of the aftermath of the death of a loved one.

we deal because we have no other choice, do we? Our time has not come yet. For now it may be best to focus on the fact that you had some time together when you could tell him how much he meant to you and also that you know for sure he was ready to go, given the circumstances. It is not much, perhaps, but it is something positive.

Offline Dibsy

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 26
  • Karma: +2/-0
Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #13 on: May 29, 2019, 08:47:00 PM »
Thank you for your replies.  I went to see the solicitors today and clarified the legal position, it has been clarified for me now and it seems it is nuisance problems and they advise they will deal with it for me as they are the executors. I sorted out all the legal necessities and now will just spend time thinking about my lovely man, it is a comfort in some way that he is now out of pain as he was so very poorly. I keep thinking - I must tell him this or I must remember to tell him that - forgetting for a moment, I suppose that never goes? I cannot think of the next step at the moment but next week will start to make final arrangements. I do appreciate you being there.

Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2132
  • Karma: +145/-0
Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #14 on: May 30, 2019, 03:39:56 PM »
HI again, i am glad that at least he had that time of clarity and knowing that he was so loved, and you knowing the same.
Even though what you have to deal with now and the daunting journey in front of you is horrendous you will always know that love was there.
I was also asked to "help"  and had to say no, i couldnt be in prison with two kids left behind, but i also dont regret that it is illegal, because i dont think i could have done that anyway, and i suspect it was the morphine talking as he had become fairly addicted too it,maybe as more than just as a pain killer. We cling on to the idea of hope for a miracle  - or maybe thats just me, but he had one last good day after that, which is the last day his parents spent with with him before he became unconscious that night, so they have that day in their hearts and not the worst ones.

It seems there is always some-one who appears and  who wants something - not to help or offer you comfort, but to take something away, i dont understand why people are like that but so many are i am glad you have got the legal position sorted. :hug: