Recent Posts

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Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: New to this
« Last post by Karena on October 24, 2018, 10:10:29 AM »
 :hug: yes you do - but the time will come when you reach the shore, and when you have rested and pinned down your true position you can think much more clearly about which direction to take from there. 
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: New to this
« Last post by Sandra61 on October 24, 2018, 02:01:08 AM »
Thanks, Emz and Karena for your advice and encouragement. I suppose I'm just a bit surprised by the degree of fall-out from an event like this. You expect the emotional upset and the shock of someone not being there anymore, even though it's so much greater than you might have imagined before it happened, but you don't expect the effects to ripple out into every corner of your daily life and make waves! Ah well, it is what it is and the trick, it seems, is not to go under when the waves roll in. I suppose you just have to do what you can to stay afloat and keep on keeping on.
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: New to this
« Last post by Karena on October 23, 2018, 11:07:25 AM »
Weighing clothes - that is beyond ridiculous the weight of clothes in no way reflects their value - it might weigh a stone and be from primark or a pound and be from Harrods and the Harrods one would still be worth more.It is really unfair to burden people with this, it wasnt designed originally for people who cant afford the legal help to wade through the quigmire , but house prices have gone up higher than the threshold has, so it all falls on us now.

I agree with Emzs store the clothes until you are ready to decide what to do with them dont be pushed into making snap decisions.If you dont have to make the choice to sell then stick with it a bit longer until you feel stronger and can decide about moving or not for your own reasons.

If you do have to sell then try and think of moving as a step forward,maybe to somewhere you will be closer to more amenitys, which has more of a commmunity, a house thats more affordable to heat and maintain, has a nice outlook etc.

I had to move - ours was rented and i couldnt afford to keep paying it on my own - and i didnt have much choice about where to go -so nearer to work it was  - I immediately set about re- creating the garden - a smaller version of the old one which kept me busy for a long time and softened the blow. Hung his dressing gown on the back of the door - its still kept there - 

I loved that old house and really missed it - and the tiny community it was in.
At the time and for a long time after, if  i had been given the opportunity to go back i would have grabbed it,  but now i realise it would have been a massive mistake - in 2010 it was cut off by snow for 7 weeks and i had a four mile walk to work and back across the fields in the dark coming back  - i can easilly forget how bad that was, because we do sometimes look only through rose coloured glasses -  i think of it as a time when i would see the light of his torch coming down the road, hear the dog running to meet me, the fire was lit, tea was on  and i was coddled  - but later it would have just been the bad stuff a cold dangerous exhausting trek and no welcome at the end.
I know that we associte houses with happy memorys but we can take those memorys with us - sometimes in the contents that we take and sometimes in our hearts and heads and the way we live in the new house.

I will move again, it isnt practical to stay here beyond being handy for work either, - but now,while i have the stopgap, i am biding my time looking at what i dont want and through that discovering what i do, but knowing that once again i will take lost loved ones with me - and also because i have never chosen before for myself starting to think about what is right for me, so a bit of an adventure which i am now strong enough to take on perhaps.

But as Emz says, take this pause in proceedings to gather your strength, because worrying about the next step wont change the outcome, but being stronger will change how you cope with it. :hug:
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: New to this
« Last post by Emz2014 on October 23, 2018, 08:02:58 AM »
Its such a horrid tax, and not a pleasant process. My dad rented his cottage, the owners were kind but had to empty the cottage within 2 months. That was hard. It took a while for me to be able to separate belongings from my dad - apart from special items that had more meaning, the items were not my dad. That helped me mentally.

For the clothes, if you are forced to go faster than you want you could maybe get some vacuum bags so you could effectively put them in storage for a while (I still have a vacuum bag of my favourites from dads tshirts , I haven't decided what to do with them yet)

Try and take it one step at a time, conserve your energy for when the next step happens  :hearts:
Sending you a big hug  :hug: xx
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: New to this
« Last post by Sandra61 on October 22, 2018, 10:53:40 PM »
That sounds like a very special experience Karena. It must have been very comforting to feel your loved one so close to you at such a special moment.

Sorry to hear about the horrible experience with the bank. I didn't have too many problems with the bank thank goodness, but really found the whole IHT form- filling process a nightmare. It took me months to get through all that. I don't think it's healthy to have to concentrate on all that when you are grieving. I was told I needed to bag up all her clothes in black sacks and weigh them for rag value and put that down on the form! I thought they were joking, but they weren't! How utterly insensitive can they get?

I had a week in April, some six or seven months after my mum died when I felt in a complete state of panic about it all and couldn't think what to do for the best. Tried to decide whether it might be best to move or stay put,  then realised I couldn't sell anyway before the probate comes through, then wondered if I wanted to move or not and if I didn't where I was going to find the money to pay the IHT. I think that was my worst week. I just felt utterly alone and worried to death about it all! I'm still waiting for the response from HMRC and will have to decide then what to do for the best, but feeling in less of a panic about it now, though not sure if that is right or wrong. I suppose this could just be the calm before another storm, but trying not to worry too much about it anyway.

It was months before I could bring myself to strip my mum's bed. Doing that seemed too final an act and I haven't started sorting out her clothes much yet either. I don't want to have to do all that before I feel ready, so do worry in case I have to sell up to find the money to pay the tax with. You expect the loss of a loved one to tear you apart emotionally, but not for your whole way of life to be put under threat as well. It's such a huge additional stress right when you don't need it.

So hard to keep positive and keep trying to cope with everything.
 :hug: also sending you a warm welcome -I lost a friend to suicide so i get some of the emotions around it - losing a BF that way is even more difficult i would think.

Its  a lot of years ago, and not his first attempt - all his friends tried every way we could to prevent it, but in the end he deliberately left a false trail.
I have found peace with that now but still think of his loss with sadness because he was some-one who had such a beautiful soul, -but perhaps one just too gentle to cope with what the world throws at us sometimes.  :hug:
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: New to this
« Last post by Karena on October 22, 2018, 11:47:42 AM »
It is all a nightmare - i had all sorts of problems with my husbands bank - deciding they needed him to close his account himself  - despite being sent 3 death certificates on 3 occasions, and then when they finally accepted it ( my stepson taking the ashes in to the branch helped) - because they had continued to pay his direct debits out  they thought i should pay them  the amount they had overdrawn it by.
As the recipients had also been notified i told them it was entirely up to them to retireve the money from those accounts - as clearly i had no authority to do so - and that i wasnt paying for their mistakes  -so  take me to court - they didnt, - i never heard another word - but the point is you are right we shouldnt have to deal with this kind of stuff when we are at our lowest.

The sea is definitely my place too - its a shame i live just about as far as is possible too from it. :rolleyes:

 But there is this place in Wales we used to go Dolphin watching - we were going to retire there to a caravan - that wont happen now sadly  - but i do go back when i can.
I once felt some-one was standing right behind me to the point i felt warmth off them when a dolphin came in to the harbour, part of me darnt turn round for ages knowing he wouldnt be physically there, - but at the same time - i needed to know why i felt so comfortable with this - when potentially it could be a stranger as there had been a group of people standing there watching -When i did turn they had all moved off and there wasnt a living soul anywhere near me.
Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: Rollercoaster Day
« Last post by Karena on October 22, 2018, 11:07:35 AM »
 :hug: you cant entierley erase bad memorys but one way to make them less important is to ramp up the good ones - imagine yourself sticking them onto  a visual card - then do the same with the good ones  -(you can physically do this write them all down)  - then when a bad card comes up replace it with a good one -  you will find you have far more good ones than bad ones and that can kind of put things into proportion.

Another idea which is one that does come from PTSD treatment,  is to carry an object - from a positive experience after the traumatic event - something small and portable that you can have in a pocket - so go to the beach -chose a pebble, take your time and chose one that feels right in your hand. sit down with it in your hand , look around you and take take in everything - sight sound and smell including young Rory up too his tricks -  so  you are consciousely looking for peace and pleasure in that moment.At the same time learn how the pebble feels - the smooth bits, a chip or lump in it, the shape etc. You can use anything - doesnt have to be a pebble but i find the solid nature of a pebble or stone is somehow re-assuring. 
Take the pebble home and keep it nearby - when the roller coaster dips again and throws you round an unforseen corner and youre asking yourself whats the point - hold the pebble again and focus on that moment in time, a time after the trauma when you were able to find peace or happiness even if it was just for a short time - helps you realise that you have experienced it once and despite the negativity you feel right now, - (which is actually a natural reaction and part of grief not a fault in your mental health)  you can  have more positive experiences again, and build on that knowledge so it sees you through the darkest days - doesnt stop them happening but just  becomes a reminder, you have climbed out of the pit once so you can again, and having that physical reminder in your hand helps put you more in control of your thoughts when flashbacks happen or depression sets in. Also take it with you if you are going somewhere you think is likely to make you vulnerable, holding it in your pocket even briefly can be reassuring. 
General Discussion / Re: BUK meet ups
« Last post by Karena on October 22, 2018, 10:32:04 AM »
Hi- i dont think there is anything on the cards at the moment - meet ups range from people meeting up locally for a coffee and chat to full blown weekends away.One of the problems being the spread of members across the country and finding a central site accessable easilly by public transport.
I have been to meets at York, Leeds, Sheffield and Birmingham and they have all been good fun.
If enough people are interested we will try and sort something out for a national meet next year - meanwhile if you wanted to organise something local to you, nothing to stop you going ahead, you could use the every day chat section and start an open thread there - - fancy meeting up --wherever you are - general area type thing - I,m  sure everyone here is genuine but its still always best to be on the safe side at such a vulnerable time in your life, I,m sure you dont need reminding but  meet somewhere public - and be careful around giving your actual adress out etc.  :hug:
General Discussion / BUK meet ups
« Last post by Sandra61 on October 21, 2018, 02:43:56 PM »
Hi, just wondering if any meet ups may be on cards at some point? I notice there have been a few in the past. Would be interested in attending. Anyone else like to?
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