Recent Posts

Pages: 1 ... 8 9 [10]
91
Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Am new here.
« Last post by Parkoswifey on April 06, 2019, 12:20:31 AM »
Hi everyone. Im Muriel but everyone calls.me Miz.
My partner of 6 years passed away tragically on the 6th feb 2019..he was 26. I remember saying bye and I love you on that morning when he went to work and we had plans sorted for that evening..the evening for us never came..as 5 hours after leaving the house..police were knocking at my door. My partner was a tree surgeon and the best there was. So I was told a major accident had happened..my partner was crushed when an oak tree fell. Its been 8 weeks and still cant come to terms the fact this happened to him..to us. Im starting bereavment counselling this mth..and thats and coming on here is a really big step for me. We did everything together and now im suddenly doing everything alone..I dont know how im going to. I dont sleep to well or do life anymore  as it feels like life has stopped and im scared to restart it without him and really dont want to..nothing is the same
92
Introduce Yourself To Us All / New here
« Last post by Parkoswifey on April 06, 2019, 12:15:07 AM »
Hi everyone. Im Muriel but everyone calls.me Miz.
My partner of 6 years passed away tragically on the 6th feb 2019..he was 26. I remember saying bye and I love you on that morning when he went to work and we had plans sorted for that evening..the evening for us never came..as 5 hours after leaving the house..police were knocking at my door. My partner was a tree surgeon and the best there was. So I was told a major accident had happened..my partner was crushed when an oak tree fell. Its been 8 weeks and still cant come to terms the fact this happened to him..to us. I dont know what else to say right now as I still find it hard to talk about
93
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Hello
« Last post by Sarah83 on April 05, 2019, 08:21:22 PM »
Ok please wish me luck Iím about to put my big girl pants on an approach my husband. I can see this effecting my daughter now, today wasnít a great day! Iím off into the tunnel, hopeful Iíll emerge soon!
94
Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: My Partner passed away
« Last post by Thea on April 05, 2019, 08:10:39 PM »
:hug:  we seem to be talking on two threads now so i am switching my reply to your other post to here as well

Are you on an estate or independant house -i was just thinking about the car situation because i realise there is little alternative transport you can take - if you had a reliable mechanic could it be fixed so it becomes less unreliable - because i think that is going to be the key to your situation improving - if you are on an estate perhaps a neighbour or one of the security guys can help you find one and that search in itself could be a conversation opener and a way to break the ice with the people actually around you.I can fully understand why you wouldnt want to take an unreliable car across the city so the fist step could be to fix it, and also to look for ways to learn about how you can do some of the maintainance side of things yourself in future - often certain vehicles have online forums which could help, or there are you tube videos etc.
Another solution would be to get breakdown cover if you can afford too, i know over there plenty of people can turn up in a breakdown vehicle randomly, but if you have some-one known to you who you can build up a relationship of trust with, then you will probably  feel more confident.

It is early days yet and its natural reaction to want, on the one hand to to stay at home and hide away and on the other to have people around you - that is probably something we all find,  regardless of whether there actually are people around or not - What happens in time is that some disapear some re-appear and over time new friendships emerge - sometimes from  people we least expect who have hithertoo been more aquaintance than friend, and other times from new people - if you think about it those changes go on throughout other different periods in our lives, - when we go to high school and leave junior school friends behind, when we marry and drift from single friends towards other couples and so it is the same with grief. When you start to feel stronger, and you will,then you will start to fill the time that at the moment feels like a yawning chasm -
Initially i was the same - TV is a noise in the house -it makes it feel less empty, but i wasnt really watching it, I  couldnt be bothered with old hobbys, i am normally a bit of an environmentalist/conservationsist -  but i just  stopped caring, i lost my pasion for absolutely everything - even reading, which i had done throughout my whole life as a way of taking my mind off the real world stopped working. Gradually they came back
I took up crocheting - because i found a bag of my mums old knitting wool in the loft she had also died  and i didnt feel i could just dump it - and as knitting and me have a bad history  and i watched some-one crocheting while holding a conversation and drinking wine i though maybe it was something i could do with my less than foccussd mind. - some situations present themselves without us seeing them coming.
Maybe if you feel you cant be bothered to crochet for yourself, and often we do feel we dont want to do something for ourselves i didnt even bother to cook for myself for a long time,  you could  do it for some-one else - neo natal units for example often welcome tiny clothes for premature babies.

Classes -they are possible -there are a lot of free online courses - have a look at futurelearn -  they are international, (I have done a couple lead by capetown university as well as UK and an Aussie one ) they are short, require little commitment and cost free - i have done a load of them and in a way, although originally it was done just to fill time, and i chose random subjects that i thought might be a bit interesting and often seemed unrelated  they did connect and did re-ignite that passion - and not just passion, but now more educated - therefore more coherent and allowing me to be more confident in what i am saying.

You communicate with other students on the site via comments boxes, and so make contact with other people with the same interests you probably will never meet them in the real world -occasionally people from the same course set up facebook groups to continue contact - i am in a writing group that emerged from that.
Its not the same as getting out there and meeting real people - but i have difficultys doing that -(social anxiety)  and your difficultys are largely practical ones, but building confidence is a really good start to overcoming those difficulties.   

Durban is indeed beautiful, they were in Capetown last year which was also stunning and before that in Gauteng - which is less so but close enough to other areas which are.They set off on a two year trip through renting out the house there, and using long stay air bnb - as he can pretty much run his business by phone and their daughter was too young for school to be an issue, it seemed the right time - but the idea wasnt just for a long road trip  but to find somewhere better to settle and the couple of months in Durban expanding as it has to almost a year now speaks volumes about what that decision is, so i am pretty sure i will be returning in the coming winter.
keep coming back, keep talking, we might be on the other side of the world but you are not alone.  :hug:


Hi Karena
I live in an independent house. My brother-in-law helps me with my car so I don't have too many worries, I just don't want to drive too far just in case. An added worry now is that while I was out driving the other day, a stone was kicked up by another vehicle and hit my windscreen. There is now a 6 inch crack on the side. I definitely don't want to be caught out somewhere if the crack suddenly spreads. My brother in law is going to assist me with that but at the moment he is busy with the construction of his new workshop.
Um, I think the inner workings of my car would be a lot safer if I stay away from them, even with a maintenance course tucked under my belt! I'm not the most handy of people in that regard.

I have been thinking of crocheting some small items I saw online. My friend, the one who is not well and lives across town has practically ordered me to pick up my crochet hook. She told me in no uncertain terms that she wants me to make some for her granddaughter. She says that I have to have these items completed in time for the child's Christmas gift. My friend's daughter and family live in Cape Town so I have to complete the items by October. Fortunately they are all small things and as I have made some of them before I know they won't take long. I'll start them as soon as I have bought the wool.

Thank you for the suggestion to look at future learn. I will have a look and see what it's all about.
I find it difficult to make friends. If it's just me and someone else then I'm fine, but as soon as another person joins in then I sit back in silence and just listen. When I was younger I was painfully shy but I am a lot better now. Still shy but I do join in where I can. 





95
Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: My Partner passed away
« Last post by Thea on April 05, 2019, 07:37:16 PM »
Well, that sounds like a good plan, Thea.

I know what you mean about feeling like you have fallen into a hole you can't get out of. I had the feeling I was going to do that too, but I really feel getting out of the house was an important part of not letting that happen. Do you have a park or somewhere that you could go and walk in to get you out of the house for a while? Could you ring your friend and have a chat on the phone or over the computer? I think it really matters to have some contact with someone and not to be stuck indoors on your own all the time. Otherwise you do tend to just end up dwelling on all those bad memories you mention. Part of that, I think, is also due to the fact that this is all still very recent for you and I think, as time passes, you will find that you focus less on those memories and more on the ones you made together, whilst Des was still with you.

I think the shock of these types of events hits you so hard that it takes a while for you to regain your equilibrium and move forward from the blow this has dealt you. That's why you will so often read people advising that you need to take it one day at a time. It is such a huge life-changing event to lose someone so close to you that you can only recover and find your way forward over months or years and usually, only one day at a time.

Any little step forward however, is still a step forward and you are already starting to make some. You have sought support here and hopefully, from your response to Karena, it sounds like you are reconsidering whether you may be able to reconnect with some of your friends and perhaps take some of them up on their offers of help and support. I think that would be a good thing for you to do.

It also helped me to write down how I felt about my mother's final illness and those final days. The act of just writing it down helped me to relieve the stress I felt that bottling it up was putting me under and helped me express and explore how I felt about all that had happened and although I am the only one to read it, I feel better for having done that. It might be something you could try that might help you too.

You are not alone here, Thea. Sending you strength and a hug.  :hug: :hearts:


Hi Sandra
Unfortunately, security and safety is a huge issue here so it's not wise to walk around in the parks.

Very true, it is so easy to sit and dwell on the bad memories and I have to try very hard to keep my mind busy.

I had thought about writing all this down but wasn't sure if that would be the right thing to do as I would be reliving everything. Perhaps it would be a good thing to write it all down, in as much detail as possible and then have a really good heartfelt cry over it.  I have cried so much in the last 4 months that I am surprised I'm not dehydrated.
 
96
General Discussion / Re: Any other white feather finders out there?
« Last post by Thea on April 05, 2019, 07:21:40 PM »
I keep looking but as I said, maybe too hard. And, yes, I've probably looked right past a number of signs.

I would love to have a whole bird fly in. I would be so excited. As I have parrots (a ringneck, lovebirds, amazons and an African grey), my sign probably won't be feathers. There are so many little fluffy white feathers blowing around in the house from the three big birds that if my sign was a feather, I would never notice it.  :rolleyes:   (Unless of course it was from a completely different bird).

I talk to Des all the time. I am all alone and the only ears that hear me are my cat and my birds. 
97
General Discussion / Re: Do you believe in the afterlife?
« Last post by Thea on April 05, 2019, 07:12:51 PM »
Oh wow. How awesome. :grin:

I agree, there is definitely something more than us out there.
98
General Discussion / Re: Do you believe in the afterlife?
« Last post by Karena on April 05, 2019, 12:41:45 PM »
I had an experience similar to that on a camp site - in the dream i got up and left the campervan walked into the woods next to the site which was moonlit and headed down towards where there is a view of the sea - on the way i was passing a really old tree when this own flew down  (it didnt speak or hoot but communicated in my mind)
and told me it was bringing me the part of my soul i had lost, and i, also not speaking, said that it belonged to keith and always would so i couldnt take it back.

In the morning i decided it was a dream - owls were significant too us as we had rescued one,my soul belonging to him was how i was thinking so it made sense it was just that - until i got up and started to get dressed and discovered my shoes, that had been dry and clean and left inside the door, were now outside and covered in mud and leaves. I re-traced my steps i found  footprints that fit mine and the tree which i hadnt noticed before particulalry was also real.

To this day i still dont know for sure what was going on, but i also subsequently discovered that there is an ancient stone circle hidden in those woods so perhaps a wisdom far older than ours and forgotten in our modern world was at play.   
99
Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room / Re: My Partner passed away
« Last post by Karena on April 05, 2019, 12:27:09 PM »
:hug:  we seem to be talking on two threads now so i am switching my reply to your other post to here as well

Are you on an estate or independant house -i was just thinking about the car situation because i realise there is little alternative transport you can take - if you had a reliable mechanic could it be fixed so it becomes less unreliable - because i think that is going to be the key to your situation improving - if you are on an estate perhaps a neighbour or one of the security guys can help you find one and that search in itself could be a conversation opener and a way to break the ice with the people actually around you.I can fully understand why you wouldnt want to take an unreliable car across the city so the fist step could be to fix it, and also to look for ways to learn about how you can do some of the maintainance side of things yourself in future - often certain vehicles have online forums which could help, or there are you tube videos etc.
Another solution would be to get breakdown cover if you can afford too, i know over there plenty of people can turn up in a breakdown vehicle randomly, but if you have some-one known to you who you can build up a relationship of trust with, then you will probably  feel more confident.

It is early days yet and its natural reaction to want, on the one hand to to stay at home and hide away and on the other to have people around you - that is probably something we all find,  regardless of whether there actually are people around or not - What happens in time is that some disapear some re-appear and over time new friendships emerge - sometimes from  people we least expect who have hithertoo been more aquaintance than friend, and other times from new people - if you think about it those changes go on throughout other different periods in our lives, - when we go to high school and leave junior school friends behind, when we marry and drift from single friends towards other couples and so it is the same with grief. When you start to feel stronger, and you will,then you will start to fill the time that at the moment feels like a yawning chasm -
Initially i was the same - TV is a noise in the house -it makes it feel less empty, but i wasnt really watching it, I  couldnt be bothered with old hobbys, i am normally a bit of an environmentalist/conservationsist -  but i just  stopped caring, i lost my pasion for absolutely everything - even reading, which i had done throughout my whole life as a way of taking my mind off the real world stopped working. Gradually they came back
I took up crocheting - because i found a bag of my mums old knitting wool in the loft she had also died  and i didnt feel i could just dump it - and as knitting and me have a bad history  and i watched some-one crocheting while holding a conversation and drinking wine i though maybe it was something i could do with my less than foccussd mind. - some situations present themselves without us seeing them coming.
Maybe if you feel you cant be bothered to crochet for yourself, and often we do feel we dont want to do something for ourselves i didnt even bother to cook for myself for a long time,  you could  do it for some-one else - neo natal units for example often welcome tiny clothes for premature babies.

Classes -they are possible -there are a lot of free online courses - have a look at futurelearn -  they are international, (I have done a couple lead by capetown university as well as UK and an Aussie one ) they are short, require little commitment and cost free - i have done a load of them and in a way, although originally it was done just to fill time, and i chose random subjects that i thought might be a bit interesting and often seemed unrelated  they did connect and did re-ignite that passion - and not just passion, but now more educated - therefore more coherent and allowing me to be more confident in what i am saying.

You communicate with other students on the site via comments boxes, and so make contact with other people with the same interests you probably will never meet them in the real world -occasionally people from the same course set up facebook groups to continue contact - i am in a writing group that emerged from that.
Its not the same as getting out there and meeting real people - but i have difficultys doing that -(social anxiety)  and your difficultys are largely practical ones, but building confidence is a really good start to overcoming those difficulties.   

Durban is indeed beautiful, they were in Capetown last year which was also stunning and before that in Gauteng - which is less so but close enough to other areas which are.They set off on a two year trip through renting out the house there, and using long stay air bnb - as he can pretty much run his business by phone and their daughter was too young for school to be an issue, it seemed the right time - but the idea wasnt just for a long road trip  but to find somewhere better to settle and the couple of months in Durban expanding as it has to almost a year now speaks volumes about what that decision is, so i am pretty sure i will be returning in the coming winter.
keep coming back, keep talking, we might be on the other side of the world but you are not alone.  :hug:
100
Introduce Yourself To Us All / Re: Hello
« Last post by Sandra61 on April 05, 2019, 11:45:27 AM »
Hello Jo,

So sorry to hear about the loss of your partner. Those with family around them often find themselves trying to support them, rather than focusing on their own feelings, so I am not surprised to hear that this is only just hitting you now. There are so many other things you have to focus on in that first year too, so feelings tend to be neglected in favour of dealing with all the practicalities and official things, but they don't go away, they just build up inside until you have to deal with them, so maybe this is what is happening to you now.

Writing down how you feel and connecting with others who are sadly in the same boat is a good way to seek support however and you will find lots of that here. We are here for as long as you need us.

Sending you a big welcome hug..xx :hug:
Pages: 1 ... 8 9 [10]