Author Topic: Loss of dad 11 years ago when I was only 24.... still hard to cope with...  (Read 351 times)

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Offline Loulondon

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Hi all

I was only 24 when my dad suddenly died of a heart attack 11 years ago. My mum and brother fell apart and Iím the ďstrong oneĒ so arranged the funeral sorted out closing bank accounts etc... 
I carried on full time work for 7 years then me and husband started own business so I could stay at home with baby and work from home. I spent every weekend with my Mum so she wasnít lonely and around 3 evenings a week.
My brother was with her the rest of the time but her relationship become strained with his wife as they kept arguing and when I stopped full time work all the responsibilities of looking after my mum become mine. Hospital appointments, shopping etc. My brother and his wife do nothing with her and if I ever want to do anything that doesnít involve her it can become a problem as she says she gets bored on her own.
I have a family, run a business have another baby on the way and try to maintain a social life but it is so hard sometimes. If I want to see friends or do something with my child and their friends she canít always understand why! She will not socialize with anyone and has no friends and fell out with all family so I am it most of the time.
My brother acknowledges I do everything but says he is busy and as his wife and my mum donít get along he choses not to invite her anywhere.
I feel so much pressure to please everyone sometimes itís overwhelming.

« Last Edit: March 04, 2018, 08:21:30 AM by Loulondon »

Offline Emz2014

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I was the strong one of the family too, and it's a very hard role. So much seemed to come before my grief journey,  and then I felt quite alone working through my own things/feelings

It's very hard but you're not responsible for your mum. I guess it's become hard as she has become used to you being around and helping her with everything. 

Just wondering, do you know what's stopping her from socialising with people? Is she battling with anxiety or shyness? If so, would there be any scope to find local groups you could possibly accompany her and then after one she could go alone? Have you spoken to her about getting out and about herself? Is she realising how much you have to deal with and need some time for you too? Is that a conversation which would be possible? Xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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 :hug:I agree with Emz -and as a mum and widow myself i wouldnt like either of my daughters to feel the way you do - i do have social anxiety and since losing my husband my confidence hit rock bottom, but i have been able to go back too some of the social activities i did before -pub quiz team,and camping meets. I am not a "joiner" generally, and a couple of failed attempts to "join" things taught me that - but that isnt the same for everyone -some people do join new things -social activities and find they enjoy them  -for me  i have learned to deal better with being alone and to become more content with my own company.
So i,m wondering if there is anything your mum could return to doing  or an interest she could follow of her own whether that means joining things or something that will occupy her on her own -i,ve done free online courses, taken up crochet and designing graphics for voluntary organisations  -all things i can do on my own but still give something too society in the case of the graphics projects. does she have or could she get the internet.

Another overwhelming feeling i had was that i didnt have a role -you spend your life being wife and mother,and that defines you then the children leave, as is only right and normal, and then you lose your husband too and suddenly you question your entire existance on the planet. - so could you perhaps give her some confidence back by re creating a role -as a mother - but not as a dependant mother, is there something she could go back to doing for you - i dont know, bake a cake do some ironing knit for the new baby -could she help with your older one when the baby comes -even if its just reading giving you an hour off - painting - playing. It doesnt seem like much and you might not see it as opening a door for you to be under less strain but anything that will give her back some self esteem is a starting point for becoming more confident that she does have a role to play and hopefully a step towards becoming more independant and less relient on you.

Offline Loulondon

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Thank you both for your replies and support xx
Unfortunately my mum has no hobbies and is extremely unwilling to take up any... she did everything with my dad and wonít really do a lot on her own other than pop to the local high street if Iím really busy.
My brother is going to try a bit harder after my husband spoke to him so hopefully she can mend things with his wife and they can all do more together.
Xxxx