Author Topic: Hello  (Read 259 times)

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Offline crazychris

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Hello
« on: May 12, 2018, 07:47:32 PM »
Hi. Chris here from East London aged 58. Going through an absolute nightmare at present as our only daughter, Rachel, 22, died suddenly without having any illness three weeks ago yesterday. She was found collapsed and dead on her bedroom floor. They've released her body but don't have a cause of death yet and think maybe adult death syndrome but are waiting for further tests on the brain and heart. Wasn't suicide and she hadn't taken drugs. We could have a funeral but without those. Who wants to cremate or bury their only child without a brain or heart? So we have to wait up to 4 months. My wife and I are in a living hell and think we'll wake up from a bad dream any second. She'd just graduated last year. She had a boyfriend for 6 years and he's devastated too.

I've suffered from depression all my adult life and now the only thing barely keeping me going is Rachel's little beagle dog as I have to look after it and take her out for her sake. If we hadn't got her I'd end it all today. I know that for certain. My mum died 2 years ago too and my wife and I don't get on but still live together so I have no-one now. I took the dog out earlier today and my legs felt like jelly and I could hardly walk. I can't stop crying and neither can my wife. So young. She was beautiful too, combination of Filipino mum and English dad.

We saw her last Friday and it was the worst time of my life.


Offline Emz2014

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Re: Hello
« Reply #1 on: May 12, 2018, 09:44:17 PM »
Sending you a welcome hug  :hug:  you must be in such shock right now
Bereavement is so isolating, even in a close relationship can feel so alone, such is the strength of the emotions.  It is a rollercoaster, but you're not alone here.  It will get easier in time but is a rough journey

We're not trained professionals here but everyone here has lost loved ones and are at different stages of the journey. Hold on to those times with her beagle, dogs are so supportive.  I hope talking with us helps xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline longedge

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Re: Hello
« Reply #2 on: May 13, 2018, 01:06:52 PM »
My deepest sympathy Chris. We all know the pain and despair of grief in our own way. Grab whatever support and help you can get  :hug:
I'll never get over losing her and I used to think that eventually
I would learn to live with it - that's not happened yet.

        ~ I'm George by the way ~

Offline Karena

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Re: Hello
« Reply #3 on: May 14, 2018, 11:49:32 AM »
 :hug: keep talking, you have us now, and even though its a virtual world we will be here as long as you need us to be. As mz said we are not professionals, but grief is something we are all too familiar with. Please dont be afraid to seek professional help as well though, i did find bereavement counselling helped.
keep looking after the dog,our dog pretty much saved my life when my husband died,because i knew there was no-one else who would take him.
 
Even though you and your wife dont get on under normal circumstances and you probably feel you dont have a future together, you are united in grief for your lovely daughter, and for now clinging on too the same piece of wreckage. You will reach the shore eventually but better to hold on together than both trying to swim alone, so supporting each other through the worst of this, no matter if the shore means separation afterwards because despite being very different from each other in many ways, what you have and what will always remain is shared grief but also a shared love.Your daughters love for both of you, and both of yours for her.

Offline crazychris

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Re: Hello
« Reply #4 on: March 18, 2019, 10:35:37 PM »
Hi. Had forgotten I'd joined here!  Am still suffering greatly. Am worse than ever now. Had 6 sessions of grief counselling in Dec/Jan, which is all you're allowed for free in our area, but it didn't really help at all. I just keep crying and crying, day and night at home and in shops and when walking the dog. Just can't come to terms with it, the fact that she died so suddenly at just 22 when she'd just graduated. It's awful and such a waste of a good life. I just don't know what to do. My wife doesn't seem as bad now but Christmas was awful. We just had a bagel each for Christmas dinner as we didn't want to cook and didn't care to eat really. I usually love my turkey dinner!

Forgot to say, it went down as SADS in the end, Sudden Arrythmic Death Syndrome as they couldn't find anything else. It's like a cot death in a baby. The heart just suddenly stops for no reason really. Not a heart attack either. They can be revived if near a defribrillator but you only have a few minutes and then it's not certain. We had to wait 15 weeks for the funeral.
« Last Edit: March 19, 2019, 08:16:02 AM by crazychris »

Offline Karena

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Re: Hello
« Reply #5 on: March 19, 2019, 10:40:01 AM »
 :hug:
I,m sorry the counselling didnt help much - i also only got the 6 weeks - but she was very good and had lost some-one herself so wasnt just some-one with knowledge from a text book. I think really it can only ever be there to change our thought patterns - maybe make help us see some things another way, and that we dont always do that during that time but maybe come back too us later.

Two things stood out for me - one was reversing guilt th what if i did or said something different many of us here experience - if i had done this differently maybe there would have been a different outcome - but actually when you think about the what if,  the outcome would have been the same and you would have been feeling guilty wondering if the thing you actually did do would have been the better option.

The second was about me trying to go it alone and not "bother others"  and how we often reject those around us who do offer to support us - however clumsy they may seem to be sometimes most people are genuine in that offer. They cant take away the grief but help can take different form - whether thats practical or just being the shoulder to cry on without criticising or telling us to move on. But we dont want to be a burden, we dont want friends to see us as we are now - or to be the one who is no fun any more - When you think about it the other way round, if it was your friend wouldnt you want to help, would you see them as a burden.  She said its as though you hand a friend a present - its not wrapped in paper  it is a different kind of present but they hand it back and that can be hurtful  - nothing like the hurt they are feeling over their loss, but it puts a barrier up which becomes harder to cross later down the line.

It will take a long time before you can begin to function without the tears let alone live any kind of life - you will always grieve for her - how could you not - perhaps we learn how to live with the pain it does get less of an acute overwhelming agony  and life does become more bearable but can never go back to being the same.o we have to be patient with ourselves.
I was chatting on e-mail with a friend earlier who lost his son Shaun to the same thing as your daughter ten years ago - he was remembering something the lad had said when he was a youngster - a phrase he had come out with to describe his brother being greedy -
My friends wife also died withing a couple of years of that and he lives alone now.
He has taken to feeding the birds and having watched them instantly empty the feeder filled it again,  then shouted the same phrase out at the birds - he said it made him laugh, just as it did when Shaun said it, - and it also made him sad at the same time, but that sadness was not as overwhelming as it used to be,it didnt trigger the downward spiral that set him back for days the way it used too  and he is glad that he can now remember his son with smiles rather than with nothing but pain.

Offline crazychris

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Re: Hello
« Reply #6 on: March 20, 2019, 09:23:21 AM »
Thanks for your reply. I think part of the problem is that I'm alone and thinking too much. Wife works Monday to Thursday and Fri, Sat and Sun she goes out with her friend or goes to their house. So she's out from 9am to 11pm. She says it helps her to get out of the house and stops her thinking too much. I feel I have no support though. Have no friends but don't particularly want any. The grief counsellor wanted me to go to a coffee morning they organise each week and meet two men who have lost their partners and maybe become friends with them. They apparently go out for a drink together. I haven't been yet though and she can't give me their phone numbers because of confidentiality and data protection rules. People say I'm just wallowing in misery but I don't care. Even my wife says at least she's trying and going out but I'm not. I don't want to try. Everything's gone now. I'm just existing until the dog dies. She's only 6 so has a few more years left yet. We can never have any grand-children now and was looking forward to that so much. Her boyfriend told me that he was planning to ask her to marry him on NYE so she'd probably be engaged now. He's still absolutely devastated as I am too.

We had wife's sister and niece over from Philippines for six months. It was okay but she wants the niece to come back and look for a job here and live with us. I don't though as don't want anyone living with us permanently. It was okay and they were very supportive and helped her sort Rachel's room out but it was a lot of extra washing and cooking and your house isn't your own. They went back just before Christmas.
« Last Edit: March 20, 2019, 09:39:11 AM by crazychris »