Author Topic: Hi  (Read 188 times)

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Offline Ella

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Hi
« on: May 14, 2018, 08:14:33 AM »
I have just joined. My husband died two and a half years ago and it is still hard. I donít feel the grief as I used to but it is so lonely. I have tried various things  like distance learning and mindfulness. I retired from a very busy job 10 years ago and was my husbandís carer before he died after 4 years of illness. All my old friends are in couples and I donít think that they have any idea how lonely it is when you are the one who is left

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Hi
« Reply #1 on: May 14, 2018, 08:01:02 PM »
Sending a welcome hug  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Hi
« Reply #2 on: May 15, 2018, 11:33:54 AM »
Hi Ella. I lost my husband 7 years ago and looking back i can see me being at the same stage as you at 2.5 years onwards for quite a while.

I think its like youre in a forest sitting under a tree and you have paths to chose from -you take a few steps along one and its a dead end and then you go back too the tree,then try another,and you have to keep doing that until the dead ends are spent and you find a path. You might branch off it a few times or you might find several paths meet up and become a wider one.

 I too have done distance learning and i did find it helped, because even though at first i was randomly picking courses that looked as though they might interest me,i saw them in isolation as something to pass a few hours.Then i did one which required designing campaigns and suddenly those random courses made a pattern,and i had built up knowledge of my subject, writing skills,and now i could put them together and whats more i could use it all to help a project overseas -from my desk in the UK, and suddenly the paths started to join up even though i hadnt had that intention.  I still work so it fits around that but also gives me insight into what i can do on a voluntary basis when i do retire. Sometimes things do just click into place like that.I,m still doing it alone but with a purpose and that makes a difference rather than doing something just to kill time.

I tried joining things locally and it just doesnt work for me here.I had to move after he died which also didnt help,but the WI or amateur Drama are not for me.
 Others here have joined local groups and found it did help so we are all different in what will help us overcome this.
My husband was the socialiser and i was more than happy to sit in his shadow so for me it been more about learning to be alone and not be lonely and that is still ongoing.

I totally get what you mean about friends being in couples, and it can increase that feeling of isolation rather than fill a space and sometimes we have to move away from that into new freindship - not drop friends who are couples, but become less dependant on them-if that makes sense,but finding new freinds is also very difficult. I have found travelling much easier than i expected because a lot of people including women also travel alone,but it took until a few months ago to get the courage to walk into a cafe on my own, and get a coffee, so its all ongoing, gradually slaying dragons in order to get somewhere i want to be - so having a goal other than just filling time helps, it makes them worth slaying or finding a way round them and i think thats the key.having that purpose or goal which in itself brings new people into your life.

I wonder if voluntary work might be something for you, that way you make contact with other people through whatever the cause is, but friendships around other interests from outside that goal evolve.

We do have everyday chat on here and so some of that normal stuff we used to share with them we share with each other, so its not just about  the big stuff being here and you might be suprised how much just sharing the small stuff helps, we have grief in common but often find there is much more in common too, and although its in a virtual world, people who find they live close by each other or have met up as a result of being here have become realworld friends , so keep coming back and keep talking, we will be here as long as you need us to be. :hug:

Offline Ella

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Re: Hi
« Reply #3 on: May 15, 2018, 09:35:47 PM »
Thank you. I appreciate your comments. It sounds as if you have a plan.
Although I had to do networking for work I always hated it. Even as a child I refused party invitations because I feel so awkward at them. I donít seem to say the right things. My husband knew how I felt and was always supportive when we went out. So I have a bit of a problem going to some things on my own. Actually I can go into cafes alone. I just read a book or a newspaper. Itís where I have to talk to people that I have a problem.
I went to talk to the local voluntary association about helping as a driver. They said that I would have to take patients to chemo and handle them gently. It brought it all back. My husband had 3 separate primary cancers (incredibly rare) and had every sort of treatment imaginable. He fought for 4 years to the last day. I just started to cry and couldnít stop. I seem to have been going backwards since then. That was about 2 months ago.

Offline Karena

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Re: Hi
« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2018, 12:08:37 PM »
 :hug: At 2.5 years i didnt have a plan, like you i was just trying to fill time and empty space and trying to gain some sort of purpose in life. Its the unexpected that knocks us sideways and creates a downwards spiral,but each time perhaps we dont fall quite as far, its a case of regrouping then maybe finding a new path to follow.It seems that was a dead end because of the painful memorys it evoked in you,but it may be something you can revisit later,one thing for certain is that you would have the empathy she spoke of -but you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others and if you arnt ready then thats ok, grief takes its course and cant be rushed, and in a way you need to give yourself permission to allow that.

Like you i find talking hard, especialy small talk, once we have done the weather i really have nothing to say. As a student all my presentations were self running powerpoints with music and video because there was no way i was going to stand up and speak, but in the end it worked out, because the technical and graphic skills i picked up to be able to do that got me my job  not the course subject -sometimes we can turn  our disadvantages turned into advantages. :hug:
Also i did work in retail for a while and that was OK, because the product is the ice breaker -they come to ask you something and it remains the focus, - unless its one of the big sales pressurized corporates. its not about selling some-one something they dont want but finding a solution to match  a need - perhaps you could consider one of the charity shops, start off slowly -maybe even in the back room sorting stuff out one day a week, to help build your confidence.

Offline Ella

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Re: Hi
« Reply #5 on: May 16, 2018, 06:50:43 PM »
Hi.
Thank you that is a helpful suggestion.

You are right - it was my unexpected reaction that I found hard to handle. And I don't like to talk about it to my children. So I felt very lonely.

It has been helpful to read the posts and get a view on other people's issues, which make me a bit ashamed that I am making a fuss. So many very sad stories which have my heartfelt sympathy





Offline Ange

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Re: Hi
« Reply #6 on: May 16, 2018, 09:08:17 PM »
Please don't feel ashamed. Grief is different for everyone. Yours is no less than anyone else's.

Offline Karena

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Re: Hi
« Reply #7 on: May 17, 2018, 10:06:11 AM »
Ange is absolutely right there is no hierarchy of grief, and the reason we are here is because it is somewhere too express out feelings which we cant always do with those around us.Nobody would ever consider it "making a fuss" :hug:

Offline Ella

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Re: Hi
« Reply #8 on: June 11, 2018, 03:04:15 PM »
I thought I would update you in case its helpful to anyone else.
My doctor has given me antidepressants and referred me to a grief councillor, who I have now seen twice.
Its seems odd to need that so long after the death but it is helping.
There were so many things that I didn't like to talk about with my family

Offline Karena

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Re: Hi
« Reply #9 on: June 11, 2018, 04:31:03 PM »
It isnt really odd - people who have contacted some bereavement services have been told they wouldnt even consider it until six months in - because i think it is too much in the early days - so we try and supress it all because we are afraid of the floodgares opening - its a bit like sticking lid on a bottle of pop then shaking it up - eventually it will explode - if we open it right away in one go - we know it will be explosive so the solution is to release the pressure a bit at a time - thats the brains way of helping us cope - and bereavement counselling can show us how to do about it - ut only when we are ready.I,m glad you have gone for the counselling i hope it helps - at first ith oght it was making things worse and was thinking about quitting but it was worth it in the end -so try and stick with it. :hug: