Author Topic: Sudden Death of Husband in a Road Accident  (Read 245 times)

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Offline Sally Williams

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Sudden Death of Husband in a Road Accident
« on: June 14, 2018, 09:26:24 AM »
It is 8 weeks since my husband was killed in a road accident.  I am utterly broken and feel like I am watching the world from far off. I do not know what to do with myself, I cannot live without him and feel lost and perpetually sad.  My children are doing their best to support me and I have close family members and friends who are also sticking around.  He was a completely selfless man, devoted to myself and his children and loved and respected by so many people.  I loved him so much and we were completely intertwined - soulmates, partners, best friends.  He had so much more to give and deserved to live longer. He had just celebrated his 60th birthday and we had a year of plans and a lifetime of dreams to fulfil. We had been together for 40 years and married for 35.   The investigation into the cause of his death is ongoing which adds considerably to the difficulty of dealing with this nightmare. I feel continuously angry and anxious that despite being told by the Police that he did nothing wrong on the road, the accident report will go to the CPS to decide whether the defendant (who pulled out of a junction into the path of my husband's motorcycle) caused his death by driving without due care and attention.  I feel sick and helpless.  Only 8 weeks ago I was going to work every day, leading a school and making countless decisions. My husband and I shared the same philosophy about living life to the full, giving the world your best and not sitting around waiting for retirement.   I now feel like a child - scared and utterly dependant on my children.  I have lost all identify and any sense of purpose and have no hope for the future - I am living in a dark tunnel with no hope of any light appearing.   I simply cannot cope and although I do not want to give up and I try to set myself small daily tasks, I could quite happily roll myself up into a ball and wish myself to fade away.   If there is anyone out there who has been in a similar situation or dealt with these types of feelings please can you tell me how I am going to get through this?
« Last Edit: June 14, 2018, 09:38:04 AM by Sally Williams »

Offline Lost675

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Re: Sudden Death of Husband in a Road Accident
« Reply #1 on: June 14, 2018, 10:13:48 PM »
Hi

I lost my husband suddenly too, 5 months ago. It's baby steps, one day at a time. I felt desperately lost at first (and still do some days). For me, I was stuck in the day of his death for a couple of months and then the shock moved over to grief. I think we feel things we've never experienced before and have no idea/experience of how to deal with, but as each day we wake, we've lived through it another day and it we get a very tiny bit more used to it. I've had very awful days, that hit me like it's day 1 but here you can talk and someone will reassure you with their experience and kind words, that it's normal and that you can and will cope. On my days where I don't want to carry on I just remind myself I have the luxury of living when my husband was denied that so it would so awful to throw away something he'd so desperately would want and deserves. Sometime, it's the only though that keeps me going. Hang in there, sadly you're not alone and there will be moments and eventually days when you feel a little more able to cope x

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Sudden Death of Husband in a Road Accident
« Reply #2 on: June 15, 2018, 08:24:00 AM »
Sending you a welcome hug  :hug:
The beginning of grief is so overwhelmingly painful, it is a rollercoaster journey but it will get easier, and people here understand. Hold on in there and keep talking xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Sudden Death of Husband in a Road Accident
« Reply #3 on: June 15, 2018, 12:29:34 PM »
 :hug:It is seven years since my husband died and i remember only too well the feelings you describe - It is a case of small steps and being kind too yourself - because when you feel you are not coping, youre useless and hopeless but that that is wrong, you just add to the pressure on yourself - so by being kind i mean not doing that but accepting  it is ok to feel this way - and at this stage if you get out of bed in the morning thats an achievement, if you brush your hair, make yourself some food,go to the shop every little thing you do is an achievement. If you liken it to a physical injury you wouldnt expect to hit the ground running after a trauma -just because there are no bandages doesnt mean you should treat yourself any differently now.

Its a difficult journey with hazards and set backs along the way -  the investigation is one of those hurdles and accepting the outcome could be another -sometimes things really are purely accidental possibly a bad junction rather than a bad driver -and sadly (speaking as an ex biker this situation does seem to be a horribly frequent thing.
Anger is a normal part of grief - whether thats anger with another person, with the person you lost or yourself, because then you start with the if only - i had said.done something differently that day he wouldnt have been there at that time - its a cruel viscious circle of thoughts that go round and round.It will pass but again it takes time and i found writing here did help because just the action of writing helps you make some kind of sense of those thoughts - some kind of order that can be brocken and the circle starts to disintegrate.
I still miss my husband, i still have moments of deep pain and i still feel lonely quite often, but nothing as deep or as debilatating as in those early days.I also had no direction - a feeling that my life served no purpose,but because of him and his outlook on life i survived that too  - i imagined if there was an afterlife of any kind and we met up - firstly, that if that happened because i destroyed myself he would be hurt and angry that i had created even more pain for familly and friends and that i had thrown away life when he had been robbed of it.Then i imagined another conversation in which all i had done for the rest of my life was grieve  -how short that conversation woud be - whereas if i lived my life for both of us -then there would be so much more to share, - if its all nonsense and there is nothing more no reunion, no spirit by our side then i havnt lost anything by living life as best i can either.So thats what i have done and what i still do,constantly searching for things to enhance that imaginary conversation - going places he would have liked to go, going back to places we loved and by learning and doing stretching myself to new things i want to do.
But all these thoughts came later = for now just getting through each hour, each daym then each week is an achivement because grief is exhausting.

Offline Lostandlonely

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Re: Sudden Death of Husband in a Road Accident
« Reply #4 on: June 16, 2018, 12:48:05 PM »
 I could quite happily roll myself up into a ball and wish myself to fade away

I read this and understood. I feel like this often. Iíve been orphaned since I was 19 - Iím now 36 but things have never gotten better. I hope we both gain strength.

Offline ken1024

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Re: Sudden Death of Husband in a Road Accident
« Reply #5 on: July 14, 2018, 08:22:36 PM »
 :undecided: Hi Sally, first post here for me haven't even introduced myself to the forum yet but have been reading people's accounts of their loved ones for about 11 months now and have not felt it necessary to actually sign up to the site that is until I read your predicament which as you describe so accurately as being a Nightmare that it is my soulmate Sue was also killed in a Road crash by a van driver out of his head on Cocaine then she was airlifted to Kings College Hospital in London I was sped down the hospital from Wateringbury in Kent only to be told on arrival that she'd died this all occured on August 20th 2017 we had been together for 41yrs and married for 34yrs so I'm definitely aware of what you're going through at the moment and how to even consider moving on seems momentous emotionally and well ....it Is! People will say you can do whatever you want now but as we are both aware that's exactly what we were doing with the one we loved BTW last month I turned 63 so as for starting again 😂 not going to happen my point being when you're younger you have dreams and aspirations whoops I'm off on one sorry Sally I'm supposed to be making you feel better 😊 Anyway it gets a little easier over time so hang in there one thing that helped me was how lucky I'd been to experience such Love with Sue as you have had with your husband and how now that I look around and see things from another perspective a lot of people have never had that including my Son now 34yrs and still in search of as he puts it what you and Mum had Right that's it could go on forever I could Sally just letting you know you're not alone and I'll keep an eye out for your posts because this site helped me more than I thought it would so keep visiting and my punctuation throughout is horrendous but guess what I don't care  have a Big Hug Sally