Author Topic: Husband's death  (Read 179 times)

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Offline rainbowlucie

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Husband's death
« on: September 09, 2018, 01:27:05 PM »
Hello

My husband died 5 months ago today from a very aggressive form of cancer.  He was diagnosed at the end of January 2018 and died on 9th April.  It has been a very up and down 5 months, with my emotions racing all over the place.  I have made sure I have plenty of things around me to remind me of David and have friends and family supporting me but sometimes I need something else to help me and I am hoping to find that here.  Thank you

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Husband's death
« Reply #1 on: September 09, 2018, 09:54:37 PM »
Sending you a welcome hug  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Husband's death
« Reply #2 on: September 11, 2018, 11:15:41 AM »
Hi - i lost my husband 7 years ago and finding this place was a lifeline - just having somewhere to write things down and to that knowing that even though sometimes there just arnt any answeres the people here do understand and empathise because all of us are at some stage of this grief journey. :hug:

Offline Saffy

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Re: Husband's death
« Reply #3 on: September 11, 2018, 02:20:45 PM »
Hi,my name is Annemarie,my husband died a year ago after having cancer four times and I am still struggling x

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Husband's death
« Reply #4 on: September 11, 2018, 09:22:03 PM »
Welcome Saffy  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Husband's death
« Reply #5 on: September 12, 2018, 10:43:40 AM »
HI saffy. :hug: i think all of us struggle for longer than we think we will and despair of ever feeling happy or having a point too our lives again.
One thing you could both do is start a diary here - i used to write letters to my husband as though it was a diary -because writing to him meant i had to find something to say and i had to look for those things. When you go back through it especially on the worst days over time you start to see that you have moved forward more than it feels - my letters once full of nothing but despair started to become more about more positive things - little things i had achieved,and i mean little things -DIY car maintainance - and yes the diasters along the way to achieving them that i knew he would have laughed at me for (not in a nasty way) - Things the grandkids had said or done,new grandchildren being born, the characters of the wild birds i was feeding, etc.
One of the big hurdles is we actually feel that moving forward is somehow a betrayal - that we should be in despair all the time - even though we know its not what they would have wanted for us. The there are the people who say we should let go and move on and that makes it even worse because then we start to feel we are somehow not meeting their expectations - but we dont have to let go we can still continue to live our life and keep them with us in some way just a differant way.
I imagined if there is even the remotest chance that we met again in another life or some other dimension - what a short conversation it would be if we do nothing see nothing go no-where - so i started going back to places and going to new places we talked of but never got round too - in a sense being his eyes on the world so if that day ever comes i will have plenty to tell him - and if it doesnt i have lost nothingm but perhaps appreciated the little things much more through trying to see and keep the memory of those moments alive. I wont pretend its easy, especially the going back to places but it gave me a purpose and that was something i couldnt see at all in those dark early days.

Offline Saffy

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Re: Husband's death
« Reply #6 on: September 12, 2018, 05:38:24 PM »
Hi,thank you so much for your kind words and although I am in floods of tears I am going to go and buy a diary,I keep holding on to the plans we made for when I retire,To buy a narrow boat and travel maybe I could just write it down and pretend we are on our narrow boat  :hug:

Offline Karena

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Re: Husband's death
« Reply #7 on: September 14, 2018, 02:26:05 PM »
 :hug: I know. We were going to go live in a caravan in Wales at our favourite place - the idea being his pension would sort out the regular costs and i would throw in the full time job here and work seasonally there, dedicating my spare time to the Dolphin surveys we used to do  in our holidays . I have been back to the place several times and love it as much as ever - but living there and being on my own - well i doubt i will be retiring there now.
But that doesnt mean that in the future you will have to abandon all dreams - it is possible to continue them in some way or create new ones.
A narrow boat is difficult, even just the physical aspects of the locks etc - but i do know a lady that does it -and now she has got older has a settled mooring - and it seems from what she says has a nice community aound her of other boaters who help her out with the physical jobs so you never know maybe one day you will be able to go back to that dream and find just living on one is enough even though of course it wont be the same - or maybe you will find another idea. My plan involves going of to do voluntary marine conservation and permaculture projects in Africa for as long as i am physically able and even now over here in work i have been doing some work for those projects without physically being there -
It took a horribly long time to even begin to see another path though, let alone start to move along it even a couple of steps, but it is possible. :hug:

Offline Saffy

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Re: Husband's death
« Reply #8 on: September 14, 2018, 07:43:05 PM »
I hope so,right now it just seems a long way away,I thought after a year I might feel a bit better but thatís not happening,itís so hard,Alan died at home ,he did not want to go into a hospice and I still sit upstairs on our bed and watch tv just like I did when he was here ,it just makes me feel a bit better.I hope being on this site will help,everybody seems so nice

Offline stephenpaul

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Re: Husband's death
« Reply #9 on: September 16, 2018, 01:21:54 PM »
I hope so,right now it just seems a long way away,I thought after a year I might feel a bit better but thatís not happening,itís so hard,Alan died at home ,he did not want to go into a hospice and I still sit upstairs on our bed and watch tv just like I did when he was here ,it just makes me feel a bit better.I hope being on this site will help,everybody seems so nice

Hello Saffy.

My wife, Sheila, died just over 7 months ago right in front of me. I still try to do the things we used to do together to keep myself going. Sometimes it helps, and other times it makes me feel sorry for myself and I start to cry. The feeling of loss will not go away, but to some extent I have learned to cope, and I still feel her presence around me. This forum also helps. I haven't commented much recently, but I do read it regularly.

Stephen.

Offline Saffy

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Re: Husband's death
« Reply #10 on: September 16, 2018, 03:44:39 PM »
Hi,I know how you must be feeling ,I am so sorry for your loss,I was with Alan when he died like you sometimes I can talk about it and other times I am in floods of tears i have wonderful work mates but my family donít live near me so I spend a lot of time on my own.I am not lonely I donít mind the quiet but I am just so sad  :candle:

Offline Karena

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Re: Husband's death
« Reply #11 on: September 17, 2018, 01:28:32 PM »
 :hug:I had to move house after he died and i hung his dressing gown on the bedroom door in the new house, we all take comfort from keeping them around us but that doesnt mean that we dont also feel overwhelmingly sad sometimes too.  - I think every time we take a step - go somewhere or do something, it is tinged with sadness because they are not by our side, but the extent of that sadness lessens when we think of how much they would have appreciated it - or not - perhaps they would be grumpy in a given situation - or come out with some cutting remarks about something,  its all about the whole of them and the whole of the relationship we had not just the romance or the good times on their own.

When i put a purple crochet band and some butterflys round his hat - for a wedding  (because his hat should always live in the campervan where he kept it but it was in need of some tlc and it was being used for a wedding car so i went with the wedding colours ) I was able to chuckle to myself knowing what he would have had to say about it. :whistle:

I cried when the van was no longer repairable, then got another with the front seats from the old one transferred into it because he sat in them, - and of course the hat came too - but at the same time perhaps this one i can make more mine - because even though i have brought those elements of him into it,  i feel freer to make it mine -add decals, girly it up - and even as i am writing this i,m smiling, knowing how that would have gone down if i had done it to his more "sensible"  one. (he took the fluffy dice straight to a charity shop - although to be honest i had bought them purely as a wind up anyway) but becoming more myself now, isnt leaving him behind -and knowing he would be complaining a bucketful if this one had been "ours" isnt making a statement about moving on - because despite his complaining i know he would have been laughing too. 

The brocken heater matrix he left in the kitchen and i told him off for, ended up in the new kitchen because after his telling off he didnt move it but left a rose in the end tube and then there was a period of us both leaving daft stuff there for each other to find -usually  little notes - There will not never be any new roses or notes but it reminds me that i did have them and i was so lucky to have some-one like him in my life. Dometimes it can be suprising what we hang on too ( although i did throw away the stash of used brake pads in the end)

I wont pretend i havent been lonely, and sometimes still am,  being alone takes some adjustments, for some that will be filling lives with other people for others learning to be alone and not be lonely which is the group i fall into but learning to live alone doesnt mean you have to be stationary it means challenging the status quo to do the things we want to do.
Sometimes i do  still cry -but thats not wrong - of course  i miss him still. We can never pretend they were not here and and we dont want too, its the sadness of living without them and breaking out from that dark cloud that we want to change.
The idea that to feel better we have to cut the ties we have too them and "move on" is completely wrong , they will always be in our hearts and whether we laugh knowing what they would have had to say about what we do now, get mad because they never showed us how the sat nav works or the short cut across town we now realise they must have known about,   - or cry because they are not physically here, they will still be part of our lives.

Offline Saffy

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Re: Husband's death
« Reply #12 on: September 17, 2018, 10:28:45 PM »
Hi,I seem to be struggling today,donít know why but I canít say anything for now but I thank you all for being so kind and just knowing you are all there  :candle:

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Husband's death
« Reply #13 on: September 18, 2018, 08:13:31 AM »
Be gentle with yourself  :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline stephenpaul

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Re: Husband's death
« Reply #14 on: September 18, 2018, 09:30:17 AM »
Hi,I seem to be struggling today,donít know why but I canít say anything for now but I thank you all for being so kind and just knowing you are all there  :candle:

Hello Saffy.

What you are experiencing is not uncommon, but that is what the forum is here to do, to help each other.

Please feel free to message me if you wish.


Stephen.