Author Topic: My sister died four years ago and my Mum has died suddenly twelve weeks ago  (Read 35 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Staying Afloat

  • New Members
  • *
  • Posts: 8
  • Karma: +0/-0
I felt like I was just starting to get over my sister's death from pancreatic cancer four years ago, when my mum died very suddenly twelve weeks ago.

My mum went into hospital for back pain on a Sunday and was her normal self apart from in pain. When we visited her on the Monday she was very ill, confused, with cold clammy skin, yet saying she felt unbearably hot, and the pain was much worse. Four doctors said there was nothing seriously wrong with her. Then she died in the early hours of Monday morning.  The doctors seemed as surprised as us and there had to be a postmortem. It turned out that my mum had Diverticulitis (a bowel disease) and a blockage stopped the blood flow to her bowel, which meant all her organs shut down.

Me and my stepdad were with her in the hospital on the Sunday and Monday and we were in total shock as she seemed in excellent health for her age (81)and we hoped she'd live another ten years.

Twelve weeks on I feel like the shock has worn off and I'm starting to feel worse not better. I work from home with my husband and I haven't been able to work since my mum died. I feel like I've lost my best friend as well as my mum. We were very close and went through a lot together.  I saw her three times a week and we messaged each other on Facebook several times a day. She was very up to date for 81 and was on Facebook as she loved being in touch with family and friends.

I feel like I will never be happy again without my mum. I miss her so much that the pain seems unbearable at times. My sister who lived locally is dead and my other sister lives at the other end of the country.  I feel so lonely without my mum. I'm know I'm lucky that I have my husband and I have three grown up children, but one has just gone to uni and another is about to go abroad. I miss my who son at uni and my my mum and sister now.

I don't have many friends because I didn't go to school where I live and being self employed for 25 years means I don't meet many people. I started a volunteer job two mornings a week (before my mum died) because I knew I needed to meet more people. I went back there for the first time last week and that has helped. I've also started going to an exercise class with a friend once a week, but there are still so many empty hours to fill.  I feel lonely and sad all the time and can't stop thinking about the past when my mum and sister were both alive and I was happy.

I'm dreading my mum's birthday next month and Christmas too. I've spent every Christmas but one with my mum and don't know how I'll cope this year, especially as my stepdad is going to my stepsister's house for Christmas. I don't know how to get through the rest of my life without my mum and sister.

Offline Emz2014

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1446
  • Karma: +87/-0
Twelve weeks isn't long atall, now is the time to be gentle with yourself.  Sending you a big hug  :hug: it can certainly be hard with birthday and Christmas coming up. I know my Christmas has not been the same since I lost my dad, but it has eased over the years.

Focus on taking it one day at a time at the moment, dont scare yourself trying to imagine the coming months.  Little steps really do help, and the volunteering and exercise will help on this journey.  Keep talking, it helps xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Staying Afloat

  • New Members
  • *
  • Posts: 8
  • Karma: +0/-0
Thank you Emz. I know I should try and take one day at a time and not look ahead to Christmas but it's hard not to look ahead. I thought I was coping well but the last two days I have felt terrible for some reason.

My husband and children don't feel as bad as I do, although they are supportive. The only people that can truly share my grief are my sister and stepdad, who I know are both struggling. I message my sister every day but she lives at the other end of the country and I can't afford to visit her.

I'm trying to focus on the people I still have, like my husband, three children, surviving sister and stepdad, but it's hard not to think about my mum and the sister I've lost. I thought I'd got over my sister ( to some extent as I was just starting to feel happy again) but my mum's death seems to have brought back the grief about my sister, so it's like a double whammy.

Offline Emz2014

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1446
  • Karma: +87/-0
It is hard when you've had a loss following a loss.   :hearts:  xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Staying Afloat

  • New Members
  • *
  • Posts: 8
  • Karma: +0/-0
Thank you Emz. I was feeling very low last night, but the morning always makes me feel a little more cheerful. I must try and focus on the people I have left and not the ones I've lost, but it is hard at times.

Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1416
  • Karma: +98/-0
 :hug: Like Emz said it is early days yet  no matter what age we are losing a parent, the person who has been there all our lives is devstating as the foundations crumble beneath us.

I think for you a double whammy with your children leaving home imminent.But when you thinhk about it we all left home ourselves and even though the bond with your mum probably changed at that time it wasnt brocken, we still needed them, still loved them just as much and  so our children will do the same. You were still close - maybe even closer than when you lived at home,as the domestic tensions and roles no longer applied  -  getting through those adjustments is the hard part but you will.

When  my husband died my two daughters had left home  long before but lived close by until the previous six months leading when both moved away  - one of them right across the world -the other closer but not close enough for that every day contact we had previousely had - my mum had also died a few years previousely.
 as a carer one way or another since i was 15 i had no other meaningful role to fall back on- sure i was working but it wasnt really serving anyone -  I felt like there was no purpose to my existance whatsoever for quite a long time and finding something seemed like plaiting mist - but gradually i have learned to be independant, fill that time, and find ways to help others - whats app has helped a lot with being in touch with the girls -and i get to travel too which is fantastic - i miss my daughter abroad of course i do but i wouldnt have been able to travel the way i can now if she hadnt gone - so sometimes things like the kids leaving which feels like a threat when it happens can  ultimately be an opportunity as well.

Even though she had died before that time in my life, my mum was behind me pushing me forward - by the way she had lived her life , by the strength she had showed through some awful times of her own . by her generosity of spirit, kindness, compassion, the ability to forgive and her optimism and humour, and of course i still miss her physical presence as i do that of my husband and others i have lost -but i have never really said goodbye and i never will  - because they are still in some way a part in everything i do still guiding me in my heart and my head.

Offline Staying Afloat

  • New Members
  • *
  • Posts: 8
  • Karma: +0/-0
Thank you Karena that is a lovely reply, so comforting. I'll do a longer reply later, but just wanted to say thank you :)

Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1416
  • Karma: +98/-0
 :hug: