Author Topic: Not sure if I'm coping after losing Dad  (Read 88 times)

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Offline Gloria

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Not sure if I'm coping after losing Dad
« on: October 16, 2018, 09:54:52 PM »
Hi all, I've had a look at some of the other posts and think I'm probably feeling the same as others. My Dad passed away 7 weeks ago after a short illness. He been in ICU for 4 weeks but had woken up from his coma 10 days before he died and was showing such improvement that we expected him to survive. I'd done lots of preparing when he was in the coma but started to breathe again when he woke up so it was a shock when his life support was turned off. I have an amazing husband but he's eternally optimistic and keeps telling me I'm doing great. But I don't feel like I'm coping, or dealing with Dad's death. I'm on total autopilot and not sure if I'm hiding from it. I almost want to be told I'm not coping to justify asking for help. I feel totally lost, exhausted and overwhelmingly sad. I don't want to see people or talk, and can't even bring myself to open up to my siblings who are going through the same thing. I just want the world to stop for a bit so I can stop feeling I have to carry on (I'm in no way thinking of doing anything daft). I don't feel anything except empty. I am trying to be kind to myself but I don't like this feeling of being lost and I have no idea what to do.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Not sure if I'm coping after losing Dad
« Reply #1 on: October 17, 2018, 08:25:53 AM »
Sending you a welcome hug  :hug:

Reading your words it really resonated with me, your words certainly describe the start of my journey and I recognise the feeling you are describing. My dad was diagnosed with cancer, went downhill rapidly, but halfway through chemotherapy made big improvements. I remember dad even saying he could see a hope again.  But we then suddenly lost him. So sudden they had to do a post mortem as it was so surprising as he'd been doing so well

I find it hard to reach out for help, and I ended up being the strong one for the family. I had one friend who had experienced bereavement and she was the only one who could see behind the mask and would take the time to really ask how I was.  I found this forum when I was struggling and didn't feel I could reach out to friends as time had passed and it really helped me

Be gentle with yourself, it's a rollercoaster journey, lots of emotions, ups and downs.  Keep talking, it does help. It's a lonely journey but here you are not alone on it. :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Gloria

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Re: Not sure if I'm coping after losing Dad
« Reply #2 on: October 17, 2018, 08:48:55 AM »
Thanks so much Emz. It's such a strange time, and think to get your head around. I've just no idea the right way to do it. I hope you're doing ok too x

Offline Karena

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Re: Not sure if I'm coping after losing Dad
« Reply #3 on: October 17, 2018, 01:14:55 PM »
Hi Gloria - seven weeks really is no time at all - although i know it feels like it when it has been 7 weeks of sruggling. coping is such a strange word  but  that feeling you want to withdraw and just functioning on autopilot is something that happens a lot and it is a natural reaction.
One thing i have found when you do start talking is to focus on the time when they were alive - sharing memories of happy times from childhood, things they might have said and done,can bring both smiles and tears but does get you talking to each other rather than all pretending  and keeping it about more trivial things in order not to upset each other.Meanwhile talk here we are here as long as you need and often just the act of writing stuff down can help. :hug:

Offline Gloria

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Re: Not sure if I'm coping after losing Dad
« Reply #4 on: October 17, 2018, 05:41:39 PM »
Thanks Karena, you're absolutely right. I read your message earlier this afternoon and the point you've made about it only being 7 weeks has really struck a chord. Obviously I know it's only 7 weeks but having someone else say it is actually very helpful. I pride myself on being really resilient and practical, and getting on with stuff, but struggling with this doesn't mean I'm not resilient and doesn't mean I'm failing. Part of the reason it's so incredibly hard is because of how much I love him, I'm really grateful of that. I'm so glad I found this forum!! Thank you so much.

Offline Karena

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Re: Not sure if I'm coping after losing Dad
« Reply #5 on: October 18, 2018, 12:21:09 PM »
 :hug: No it doesnt mean you are not resilient,  and you are not failing, you are being human i think being kind to yourself means accepting that sometimes it simply isnt possible to carry on as normal and that it is  perfectly ok to feel the emotions that you do and express them. :hug:

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Not sure if I'm coping after losing Dad
« Reply #6 on: October 18, 2018, 07:35:21 PM »
And resilience means being able to 'bounce' back. Like a Japanese proverb, fall seven times and stand up eight.  On our rollercoaster, we will fall, we may sit and rest for a while.  Resilience isnt just keeping on going it's being able to keep trying, with rests if needed  :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Gloria

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Re: Not sure if I'm coping after losing Dad
« Reply #7 on: October 18, 2018, 09:00:08 PM »
Thanks, maybe that's the thing, maybe I'm not quite defining 'being kind to myself' correctly. It's probably not as simple as I'm making it ...one night with coronation st and chocolate is probably not enough!

Offline Karena

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Re: Not sure if I'm coping after losing Dad
« Reply #8 on: October 19, 2018, 11:34:22 AM »
No but Corrie and chocolate isnt necessarilly a bad thing .
Seriousely though, If you badly broke you leg you wouldnt expect to get up and run in a few weeks time  -but that you would go through different stages of  a healing process - and even then, maybe still have a scar or an ache  -but you would be kinder to yourself about it and receive kindness from others for longer, because your injury is visible - grief isnt visible but it is not less of an injury than a physical one, and so you need to give yourself that space for healing.
You will always miss your dad its a journey of healing not curing - when love is what is shared we cant be cured of love, we wouldnt want to be, -  but we can learn to take that love forward in how we remember them, just as  the scar or the ache become part of your physical self, the waters around the turmoil this has created will become much calmer eventually but there will be ripples, sometimes they will make you feel sad, and others you will see answers in them or smile as you remember happy times with the person who created them.

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Not sure if I'm coping after losing Dad
« Reply #9 on: October 19, 2018, 02:57:35 PM »
Gloria, the first few months are probably the worst in my experience. In fact the first whole year really with all the anniversaries and practical problems to deal with. I lost my Dad in 1985 and still miss him, lost my Mum a year ago too, hence why I find myself here too, but focus on who he was when he was well when you can, and try to focus less on the hospital spell. It will have you in tears. You can't change it, but if your dad was anything like mine, he loved life and wouldn't want you to be sad. My dad stayed around a while after he died to make sure me and mum were Ok. Sounds odd, but he was like that. Always wanted to take care of us. I think he only moved on once he felt there was no more he could do to help us and he told my mum he was going! He came back to me a couple of times in dreams, once to tell me he was Ok and I shouldn't worry about him and once to say he was going back to see the place where he grew up. I haven't dreamt about him for a while now, but still talk to his portrait that hangs on my front room wall! I swear he's smiling encouragingly at me in it, even though it is painted without him smiling! Maybe I'm nuts, but I'm sure your dad will be with you in some way still too. Maybe you won't agree, but I think our loved ones never really leave us. They do live on and we will see them again one day. Unfortunately, it's just hell being separated, but being gone in the body, doesn't mean they are gone from you. Stick with it, you will get to a better place, just don't think you're ever going to do that in such a very short time. All best wishes, Sandra xxxx

Offline Gloria

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Re: Not sure if I'm coping after losing Dad
« Reply #10 on: October 19, 2018, 07:13:15 PM »
Thanks Karena, I'll combine Corrie and chocolate with actually looking after myself 😊 I've had 3 butterflies tattooed on me today, one for me, one for my brother and one for my sister.... Dad said his job was to give us roots and wings and the butterfly's are my reminder to live to my best as Dad would want. It's strangely made me feel better. I really hope everyone else is having a lovely Friday, you've all really helped me over the last few days.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Not sure if I'm coping after losing Dad
« Reply #11 on: October 19, 2018, 08:21:38 PM »
Three butterflies sound beautiful, and such lovely thought behind them. I had a tattoo in memory of my dad, and I love it.  :hearts:
I made a banana bread this eve so as soon as it has cooled I shall be having a big slice with a cuppa  :coffeetoast: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx