Author Topic: Don't know how lucky they are  (Read 56 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline The Laird Of Galloway, Scotland

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 133
  • Karma: +3/-0
  • Gender: Male
Don't know how lucky they are
« on: November 10, 2018, 09:56:13 PM »
Hi everyone,
On Friday I was at the same hospital where my wife died in January and while waiting for my appointment I sat in the main waiting room which wasn't too busy so quiet enough to hear a pin drop at times so whenever anyone spoke everyone could hear. Well on the seats in front of me were a husband and wife around my age, I know everyone's marriages aren't all brilliant but the way they were talking to each other was pretty bad. They argued about everything, scowled and made nasty comments about other people there.....one thing that really touched a nerve was when he said to her "Wish you would drop dead and stop moaning at me"  :shocked:  why would you want to be in such a relationship where you say such things?.......they don't know how lucky they are!  there's me sat their wishing that Ruth would appear and sit next to me even for a minute  :cray: and probably many others sitting there wishing they were fitter or their loved ones would get well.....I felt like saying to them "At least you will be going home from here unlike my wife" Fortunately it was my last lot of treatment there and I won't have to endure hearing idiots like them again. I felt crap anyway from the treatment but once home felt even worse walking into an empty house.......thank god i have got Wee Rory. some of you might be aware of my anxiety/panic attacks probs and being a virtual recluse for years and I have been pushing myself to try and integrate with society since Ruth's death and done ok at times but the more i see what the real world is like I know why i became a recluse......these are nasty times with people being nasty to each other.....not sure if i believe in God as he only seems to take the best people away from their loved ones yet nasty people live much longer lives. Oh well sorry for the miserable post but its out now and maybe my head will stop banging now.
Anyway pets always cheer you up so here's a recent photo of Rory with his haircut (I get his hair cut shorter so i can groom him easier otherwise it will trail in the muddy fields)

Offline Emz2014

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1472
  • Karma: +92/-0
Re: Don't know how lucky they are
« Reply #1 on: November 11, 2018, 08:31:21 AM »
I dont understand those either, like the couples you see having a cuppa or meal looking miserable and not talking to each other.  Maybe there is a god and he doesnt want that type of people around him!  :undecided:   I try and remember how lucky I've been to find what they dont have - its better to have a period of happiness than a lifetime of misery

How is it going with tackling your anxiety/panic?  I agree there's plenty of rubbish people out there, but there are a few diamonds who would make great friends, you just have to uncover them  :hearts:

Hope you're feeling a bit better from your treatment. I think when we go through things like that it makes us miss our loved ones more. Rory is such a cutie xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline The Laird Of Galloway, Scotland

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 133
  • Karma: +3/-0
  • Gender: Male
Re: Don't know how lucky they are
« Reply #2 on: November 11, 2018, 10:26:39 PM »
Aye Emz,
I have seen plenty of miserable couples ok some will have good reason to look miserable especially at hospitals but i can't figure out all they hate they seem to dish out to each other instead of supporting each other in bad times. Telling each other to drop dead is a corker and makes you wonder what they would do if they did drop dead? would they suddenly be heartbroken or would they continues dishing the hate?.
I agree with ya about being lucky to find our loved ones its something some people will never know. As far as the anxiety and panic attacks go I have made some progress and I'm sure Ruth would be impressed to see some of the things i have been doing......like the hospital stuff as one time i wouldn't go in the door of the GP's or Hospital etc but have forced myself to do it by basically saying Ruth may be watching and i cannot let her down and even though i want to run/hide i got sorted. I have had quite a few setbacks including getting banned from Aldi  :rofl: have to laugh as its not much street cred to a gert big Biker but thanks to 2 panic attacks in the last few months the last one i was shopping there and filling my trolley when for no reason i started having a panic attacks and basically had to leave asap so i abandoned my trolley and headed for the exit (which is exactly the same as i did 2 months earlier) but this time it was different as i was stopped by a silly little man called store security :whistle: who instead of letting me leave decided to stand in front of the doors so i asked him politely to let me past and he didn't agree....so i asked him politely again nope he wasn't moving so i suggested to him that if he didn't let me pass i would put him through the 12ft windows and hey presto he saw sense and stepped aside while saying i was banned from the store  :rofl: in some ways i am ashamed of what i did but I can see the funny side of getting banned from a sodding supermarket. I must say on both occasions i didn't nick anything i just abandoned my trolley...i might be a bit odd but i have no need to nick stuff. So yeah Emz not exactly perfect but will continue trying to reintegrate with society (but shop at Lidl instead) I haven't a clue why the panic attacks start and its not just out and about i have them at home especially when door bell rings or phone rings.....it all goes back many years to when i had to retire from my work, won't go into details but that was when the anxiety really started but think it could go way back when i was younger but when your in your 20's you feel invincible and if you have a job you love and can do ok you probably feel more confident and i did and then it ended and hello its Brian the fruitcake. I managed to keep my anxiety problem very well hidden from most people including my family they used to think i was ignorant as i avoided family events but in reality i was terrified and only Ruth knew the real me.....she was the one who helped me to get help and will continue to keep trying and hopefully she will be up there watching me and probably laughing at me getting banned from a supermarket lol. What i will admit though is its quite easy for me to say these things on here but i am terrified if it was face to face.....sounds a bit sad a great lump like me terrified of people but have a long way to go me thinks. I suppose as you get more confident things will get easier with time and being only 30 i have plenty of time left? :rofl: ok did i say i lie about my age? lol well mentally i am 30 but physically i am 90 lol. So there you have it.....made some progress and will try and continue and not get banned from any other stores I know there are loads of people doing the same things but like myself try and fix it themselves and keep it to themselves which i now know isn't always the best way of coping. I feel like a real pillock writing all this but i am fed up of pretending things are fine. I have met some lovely people on here and i think its because we all share one common thing.....we have lost loved ones way too soon and only when you have lost someone do you really understand how its like being hit with a hammer.
Ps your right Rory is a cutie and doesn't he know it, he's recently started singing.....only to one song/video on the TV its a song called "Diane" by a female country singer called "Cam" and whenever the video comes on he jumps up and sits in front of the TV and sings along lol  he only does it to that song and once it ends he goes back to sleep......very strange little fella.

Offline Emz2014

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1472
  • Karma: +92/-0
Re: Don't know how lucky they are
« Reply #3 on: November 12, 2018, 09:22:43 AM »
What a stupid security man! They should have a little more awareness as I'm sure panic attacks are quite common in supermarkets! 

Continuing to make little steps forward is definitely a good way, like climbing the stairs, one step at a time. And remember to acknowledge all the successes, no matter how small a step you might think it is
I know a helpful technique for panic attacks, I can share if that would be helpful? And a breathing technique, if you like - which has helped me through panic attacks. I had a horrid attack a couple of Christmasses ago, I had caught a bad cold and part way through eating some nibbles late afternoon I lost the hearing in one ear and went into a full blown panic. I had to go in the garden, look up at the stars and do the breathing.  I have noticed it has set a bit of a pattern now though, if my ears feel anything like getting near blocked I can feel panic rising, so I'm working on that xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Sandra61

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 23
  • Karma: +8/-0
Re: Don't know how lucky they are
« Reply #4 on: November 12, 2018, 05:18:01 PM »
Ah, Rory looks really sweet! I bet it makes you laugh to hear him sing! Pets are a blessing. There is a cat that lives at the top of my road and if he sees me when I have to park up there sometimes, he follows me all the way back down the road, stopping me from time to time to make me stroke him, then, when we get to the front door, he has to be first in. Then he wanders all round the house inspecting everywhere, gets me to make a bit more fuss of him, then goes back to the door to be let out, like he's saying 'ok, that's all in order. I can go now!' He often sits in my garden and on the window ledge too. I've seen his owner come in and pick him up to take him home a couple of times! Not sure he likes him spending time at mine!

So sorry you are having the panic attacks. My niece gets them too, usually as a result of stress. SHe does the breathing exercises too and finds them helpful, so maybe you could try that if you don't already.

What you say about the couple reminds me of a complaining patient I had to speak to shortly after I went back to work after my mum died. Unfortunately it's part of my job to deal with complaints. I couldn't say anything to calm or placate him. He just went on ranting. I remember thinking, in light of the fact that my mum had just died, how trivial his complaint was. Can't recall what he was complaining about now. What I do remember is him saying to me 'I wish you'd get ill and die' , at which point I ended the call and put the phone down on him, then burst into tears at my desk. I don't think people know what they are saying or consider what anyone else might be going through before they do.

You are so right. There are so many horrible people out there. Sometimes it's hard to remember that there are probably a lot of really nice ones too. So glad your treatment has ended and do hope you will be feeling better soon. It is tempting to become a recluse to me at times too, but I do try to counterbalance that view with the fact that I have also met a couple of nice new friends since my mum died, who have been really kind and supportive. I am learning in time to be able to recognise the ones who won't be and keep my distance from them. I suppose we all grow in experience of how to size people up as we get older and identify the ones we can do without!

I expect the value for money is probably better at Lidl than Aldi anyway! Happy shopping!

Offline Karena

  • Administrator
  • VIP Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1443
  • Karma: +102/-0
Re: Don't know how lucky they are
« Reply #5 on: November 13, 2018, 01:21:56 PM »
being local too it -i can see maybe why Aldi staff elsewhere might have been nervous or have it drummed into them to be extra vigilant about anything that they see as different behaviour  -as one of their staff was killed by a knifeman in the store near here last year - not that i am saying that you are, or look like a maniac in any way  :hug: -or that it excuses the accusation that went with it, i think it would be a good idea if as part of their customer service training things like panic attacks are covered especially as the supermarkets do seem to be places that can trigger them - certainly for me anyway - but maybe the over-bearing behaviour towards you in Aldi was because of the nervousness of the staff, in addition to lack of knowledge or empathy.

Generally i think we become very sensative towards what other people say and do - triviality - when i came back to work one of the MD,s was muttering about an argument between him and his wife over the colour of kitchen cupboards - and my brain was just screaming at me to tell him to shut up go home give his mrs a cuddle and let her have any kitchen cupboard she wants because if he lost her he wouldnt care about it at all.
things that feel hurtful - two older ladies  in a charity shop talking about their hubbys who they had left at home - one of them said of hers he is a blumming nuisance hanging around making comments - now i know that it probably wasnt meant in any way other than while shopping - i also know it may be something i could have said myself sometimes -but at the time again the brain scream was saying just be b*** grateful you still have him to hang around being a nuisance. Both times i just walked away so no-one saw the tears.

IN the MD,s case he is young and hasnt lost anyone and i think not knowing what to say and trying to normalise the situation was the aim - and in a business where conversation is usally about computers and software any attempt at a conversation about kitchen cupboards was done from kind intentions - better that than people ignoring you  even if they are misguided there was absolutely no intention to hurt.
and the lady in the shop didnt know me from adam so again no intention to hurt -

but we are more aware of how we can take people for granted and use words that are not always as loving as they could be towards each other.or about it each other - because even though people have very different relationships and maybe ours was more gentle and loving than some-one elses in appearance, theirs isnt necessarilly one without love either  - its just  we are more sensative to things like this when we are grieving and so pick it up much more than we have before -

Perhaps in a way if there is anything at all to gain from this nightmare world of grief,  this is something that we can turn to a positive about ourselves because  perhaps this awareness means that maybe we chose our own words and actions much more carefully around others even strangers and then become even more  those nicer more understanding people

Sandra i love the cat story -there is a ginger one near me who seems to wait for me to go that way home in the dark then comes out to greet me as i pass the darkest bit  - made me jump out of my skin at first but now i think of him as a bit of a guardian just letting me know he has my back (and i am not normally even into cats  :rofl:) I was thinking the other day about my routine in the morning - feed the rescued fish, feed the half tame wild birds - that covers the air and the water - but there is nothing landbased in the menagerie except when i have the holiday dogs - maybe i should get a chicken,a rabbit or a  cat even -but then my heart comes back to dogs - how will a dog react to those - i dont want a bloodbath on my hands  and i dont want to be dog free all the time either - i once told my daughters i would get some chickens - but they both pointed out that i was going to look pretty dumb sitting in a vets waiting room with a chicken in a basket (not in the 70,s pub meal sense -with chips) - it would probably cost a fortune in vets bills because i was never going to actually bring myself to "neck" one for any reason  - and of course theyre right i couldnt so i went off that idea too. :rofl: along with lizards - because i am not keeping whole dead mice in the freezer -or feeding them live crickets.I supose i will just have to stick to the frogs in the pond - theyre semi landbased and apart from taking the frogspawn inside in a bucket when it freezes after they lay it -and letting the grass grow when theyre leaving so i dont mow them - dont take much looking after. :rofl:

Offline The Laird Of Galloway, Scotland

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 133
  • Karma: +3/-0
  • Gender: Male
Re: Don't know how lucky they are
« Reply #6 on: November 13, 2018, 09:10:41 PM »
Cheers everyone, Its nice to know ya don't all think i am the village idiot (we have more than one so i have company lol)
Emz you mentioned your ears going funny, well one of the things i have noticed when i can feel a panic attack coming is all sound starts to go muffled so you can tell people are talking and hear other sounds but very muffled and cannot tell what words are being said (which might be a good thing) and then my eyes do a similar thing but the easiest way to describe it is any people moving seem to speed up and coming from different directions a bit like insects in a way and then i have to get away asap hence abandoning the trolleys.
Any way I will be getting the majority of my food shopping via Asda now as they will deliver and I will still go in other shops apart from Aldi of course and i won't need a trolley if i am just buying a few items so i can be in and out much quicker and less chance of me having a panic attack there. I have made quite a lot of progress as i dare go in the local shops and some of the locals are starting to recognise me (no'one knew i lived here when i was a recluse hence reason were making comments when they heard of Ruth's death but they didn't know the guy sitting in the doctors waiting room was her husband, they never said anything bad about her she had loads of friends here and they were all shocked.....if it had been myself who had died I wouldn't get a mention apart from isn't he the one banned from Aldi lol)
In the local shops I even chat to some of them and to tell ya the truth i am actually terrified when i do and hopefully they won't notice if i keep the chats short. It does make ya feel a prat.
I know what Karen was saying is spot on about the supermarket staff and i was really aware it was a Aldi store in Skipton where the staff member was murdered, good job i wasn't buying an axe in Aldi as i had been looking at garden tools including axes and machetes so maybe i scared them?  they are perfectly safe with me unless they hurt any animals as i am a big softy nowadays. I remember once on holiday there was a lovely ginger cat that used to go for a walk to the lighthouse every evening with us he was a real cutie and purred all the time....there's nothing like animals to cheer you up.
Right best sod off before i start putting ya to sleep
Bye and take care x :hug: