Author Topic: Four days  (Read 34853 times)

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Offline Hubby

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Four days
« on: March 29, 2016, 12:03:00 AM »
Where to start? I guess the beginning of my nightmare.

It was a Tuesday morning. I came in from a nightshift as usual, climbed into bed and gave my wife a kiss then went asleep. Everything was perfect.

Next thing I know I was being woken by my daughter. My wife was unconscious in the bathroom. We called an ambulance and they arrived pretty fast. My wife came round a bit but was very confused and complaining of a bad headache. She was taken to the local A&E.

It was very busy. She waited 2 hours on a trolley in the corridor (they gave her 2 paracetamol for the headache) and another 2 hours in a bed before a doctor came to see her. The doctor immediately ordered a CT scan. When the results came back we were taken into a relatives room and told she had a haemorage. She was transferred to a neurological centre. We left her at 11:30 pm after they told us she was in the best place and there wasn't much point staying.

At 3:30 on Wednesday morning we got a call saying she had deteriorated. I thought I had lost her. We raced down and she was having an op to fit a drain in her head. She came through that then had another to stop the burst aneurysm from bleeding again. They told us that was a success and that they had put her in a medical coma to let her brain heal and I started to get my hopes up. Again we went home late at night.

My daughter rang them on Thursday morning and woke me saying it wasn't urgent but they would like to speak to us. Having had hardly any sleep I said I would see them at visiting time but my daughters went to the hospital. I then got a call saying it was urgent and made my way there.

They told us that they had done another CT scan and the damage was so bad she was brain dead.

They kept her alive on the machines all through Friday and on Saturday we said our goodbyes, they removed the breathing tube, and she slipped away.

And that's it. Four days to end 33 years of marriage. Four days to lose my wife, best friend, mother of my kids and soulmate. Four days to turn my life on its head and lose my reason for living.

I know they say life is cruel but never knew it could be this cruel.

Offline Cairo

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Re: Four days
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2016, 06:53:41 AM »
How dreadful for you. There are no words to take away the pain.

The NHS has a lot of problems at the moment with staffing and beds. It's terrible to think our loved ones didn't get the best, quickest attention that we would have wanted for them. Even if the outcome may have been the same it would be some consolation to feel everything possible had been done as quickly as it could. It may torment you for some time.

I also know the worry watching your loved one being treated, your hopes being raised only to be crushed again, the terrible unexpected phone calls from the hospital to say they have deteriorated, the shock of being told that they probably won't recover,  and the terrible realisation they are not going to and you did not have a chance to say goodbye. It is all agonising and you'll probably replay it in your head over and over for quite a while.

You are in shock now and the most important thing is to try to look after yourself. Think what your wife would want you to do. She'd want you to take care of yourself, to eat properly, to have fresh air. Hug your daughters and try to help each other. Family is so important.

Life is enormity cruel at times and there is no way around the pain. Don't be afraid to cry and scream and shout. Everyone here feels for you. Xxx
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I will survive.
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Offline Hubby

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Re: Four days
« Reply #2 on: March 29, 2016, 08:32:34 AM »
Thank you.

Mornings are the worst. I wake early and quickly realise what has happened. That sets off a series of physical symptoms that stops me going back to sleep.

Last night I fell asleep about 2am. I woke this morning at 5:30. I have been trying to go back to sleep since then but have thoughts running around my head, palpitations and nausea. I got up to let our dog out and collapsed. I have been retching and physically sick. I am so tired right now and feel too weak to get out of bed.

I miss her so much. She was everything to me.

Offline longedge

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Re: Four days
« Reply #3 on: March 29, 2016, 09:55:46 AM »
My heart goes out to you mate. At the moment there's nothing anyone can say or do that will make you feel better. Kindness of friends and the love of family will hopefully help a little but it's time that helps you come to terms with things. I've gone from 24/7 utter misery to having odd days that are more or less OK but I've accepted that every now and again I'll fall back into the depths. People several years down the line have told me that is how they feel but I can see that the bad times are getting further apart. You'll have a bewildering range of emotions. I thought sometimes I was going round the twist but talking to others I realised that we are all the same and all have the same feelings at one time or another.
---------------------------------------------
I'll never get over losing her but,
one day I might learn to live with it.

        ~ I'm George by the way ~

Offline Hubby

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Re: Four days
« Reply #4 on: March 29, 2016, 11:27:41 AM »
Thanks for the reply.

I've just realised it was two weeks ago this morning my nightmare started. After six hours trying to get back to sleep I've given up and decided to get out of bed. I feel weak and numb.

This afternoon I have to pay the deposit on the funeral, decide on the verse for the paper and order flowers. I'll be on autopilot doing all this. Steered around by my daughters who have surprised me with the way they have stepped up to the plate.

If only I could find the inner strength to take some of the burden off them.

Offline longedge

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Re: Four days
« Reply #5 on: March 29, 2016, 11:44:15 AM »
Sometimes having to 'step up to the mark' helps us get through things, it might be the very thing that is helping them to cope. The next week or two will be hard for you all but it does help to face thing as a family I find.
---------------------------------------------
I'll never get over losing her but,
one day I might learn to live with it.

        ~ I'm George by the way ~

Offline Cairo

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Re: Four days
« Reply #6 on: March 29, 2016, 02:16:40 PM »
Your daughters may be finding that having things to do helps them cope. They will be feeling helpless to ease your suffering so taking some of the load off you will help them. They may feel weaker later on and perhaps you'll be able to support them then.

Only time will ease things at all. Until then just get through each day, or even each hour as best you can. Feeling sick and shaky is completely normal after you've had a terrible shock. I still feel like that most of the time after 5 weeks but I have the odd hour now when I'm not shaking. Going back to work helped me as I had to concentrate on other things. Can't do a whole day at work yet though.

I bought some herbal tablets from the chemist to help me sleep for the first couple of weeks and found they helped.
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I will survive.
~~~~~~~~

Offline Hubby

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Re: Four days
« Reply #7 on: March 29, 2016, 02:35:16 PM »
Thanks for replies. I've been out and feel a bit better now.

Phoned Samaritans before going out. Had a little weep in the flower shop and a rant in the funeral directors and dropped some brand new clothes off at the local charity shop. Things she hasn't worn hold no memories and are just clutter. I couldn't donate anything I could remember her wearing.

Doctors appointment in twenty minutes. Don't know how that's going to go.  :undecided:

Offline longedge

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Re: Four days
« Reply #8 on: March 29, 2016, 03:05:27 PM »
I'd say just keep doing what feels right for you. At first, my sleep patterns were totally upside down and I was sleeping half the day away and then up all night but I just went with it and eventually I'm more or less back to 'normal' as regards sleep now. I'm still trying to work out what is going to be my new normal in other respects in the future.
---------------------------------------------
I'll never get over losing her but,
one day I might learn to live with it.

        ~ I'm George by the way ~

Offline Hubby

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Re: Four days
« Reply #9 on: March 29, 2016, 04:26:52 PM »
Thanks longedge.

Looks like my new normal regarding sleep in the short term is a strong sedative every night. I got half a dozen off the doc. I didn't want to take this route but I am knackered and need a good rest.

Just been to the park with the dog. Had a bit of a talk with the wife while there (dog thinks I'm nuts). Got a bit weepy when I saw a granny and grandad with their grandchild on the swings. That should have been me and my wife over the coming years. Managed to cover it up well.

Now it's time to try and force some food down

Offline Joann

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Re: Four days
« Reply #10 on: March 29, 2016, 07:22:58 PM »
Sending lots of  :hug: to you.
Taking it one day at a time.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Four days
« Reply #11 on: March 29, 2016, 07:28:38 PM »
Dogs are great companions in that respect, can chat away with them and although they may give you a strange look now and again, are always there with a waggy tail

Be gentle with yourself.  Good that you are eating, may not feel like it but will help you through the days.  Grief takes alot of energy xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Hubby

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Re: Four days
« Reply #12 on: March 29, 2016, 10:53:25 PM »
Thanks for replies.

My eldest surprised me with a great chicken dinner. I thought she couldn't cook. She certainly didn't a fortnight ago. OK, she cheated a bit by getting the chicken ready cooked but well done her for the planning.

I've had a couple of weeps (full blown blubbers if truth be known) tonight. They can be triggered off by the most random things. I can sit and look at pictures of my wife and remember happy times pretty much unaffected but then see something on an advert that vaguely reminds me of something and end up in floods of tears.  :cray:

Any how's, I've lasted another day and now I'm going to take my sleeping pill and hopefully get a decent nights kip.

Offline longedge

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Re: Four days
« Reply #13 on: March 29, 2016, 11:26:48 PM »
They can be triggered off by the most random things.

'Aint that the truth I still can't predict what's going to set me off. This morning it was toothpaste   :huh:  (well I was brushing my teeth and then thought about the toothpaste that Chris used to use)
---------------------------------------------
I'll never get over losing her but,
one day I might learn to live with it.

        ~ I'm George by the way ~

Offline Hubby

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Re: Four days
« Reply #14 on: March 30, 2016, 02:11:22 PM »
reminders everywhere. Today it's the sound of the key going in the lock that sets me off. I half expect her to walk in.

I cried myself to sleep but then had nearly eight hours sleep last night. Still wanted more but couldn't drop off again. Waking up was Groundhog Day again as the reality of everything swelled up inside me.

I haven't done anything up to now. The vicar is coming round tonight to sort out the device details. I could do without that but it has to be done.

I might attempt a bit of cleaning.  :huh: