Author Topic: 2 weeks since my mum died  (Read 28 times)

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Offline now what

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2 weeks since my mum died
« on: December 03, 2018, 02:21:15 PM »
Hello, it's been two weeks since my mum died, quite suddenly, of what seems to be a heart attack. People had talked to her that morning. I'd talked to her a couple of days earlier. I'm starting to overcome my guilt for not having been there, but everything I do reminds me of when I used to do it when she was alive and the world is sharply divided into before and after. My dad died more than ten years ago, but my mum's death is different, unbearable. I'm finding it most difficult that people around me, some of my friends, are avoiding me/talking about it as if Iíve got the plague. I'm going out with friends soon and I haven't told them about this because I fear they won't turn up, but it feels like I'm playing a role. I wish I could talk to someone I could be myself with. There are a couple of these people who knew her but they go into extremes Ė one tells me it will never get better, anotherís starting to get annoyed when I talk about my mum. Most of my friends have had one talk with me about this and assume that that is enough; thatís it now, theyíve done it. I understand itís difficult for others too and I donít want to inflict my pain on people or to make a public spectacle of it, but the pain is a fact, an emotional fact, but still a fact.

Offline Emz2014

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Re: 2 weeks since my mum died
« Reply #1 on: December 03, 2018, 08:00:08 PM »
Sending a welcome hug  :hug:
Everyone here has lost loved ones and understand - we aim for the forum to be a friendly place you can be yourself.  It helps to be able to talk with others who understand  :hearts: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: 2 weeks since my mum died
« Reply #2 on: December 04, 2018, 05:10:31 PM »
 :hug: maybe the friend who said it will never get better worded it wrongly - grief is something that gets better because we adapt too it and to the way our lives are now but it becomes a part of us too and it takes a long ime to make that ajustment - that doesn mean you will feel as bad as you do now for-ever - you will learn to laugh again and move forward then sometimes something happens that takes you back and it takes a while to get up - over time, getting back up again takes less time - i was watching strictly this week with the musicals theme - les miserables - i expected i might cry, it suposed too make you cry   - but the sound of music one - the lonely goat herd - i never imagined that would be so emotional its the daftest song ever its not meant to make you cry - but it was my mums favourite film - and as soon as it started i could hear her singing that song - she died in 2004, so it doesnt ever leave you completely but the intense grief you are experiencing now does.

Think about it though - because we never want to forget our mum /husband/wife etc and if we are honest with ourselves if the situation was reversed we wouldnt want them to forget us - at the same time we wouldnt want them to be living a miserable existance because of us dying  - so there must be a compromise - finding it takes time - years sometimes, but some people have the idea you somehow have to cut the bond you had, and then everything is fine, you get the catch phrases -closure, moving on, putting the past behind you, - pulling your socks up etc, which makes you start to doubt your self when you cant do that.

But by changing that bond - to something more flexible not cutting it, but letting it become something that doesn require that physical presence, we can take them forward with us - we never have to leave them behind, and realising that, is how we can take life forward  - Some people do that with religion and promises of heaven , but you dont need to be religious, you dont have to believe in an afterlife at all, to still keep them in your life, because of what we know about them, how they thought, shapes how we think, we search our own hearts for their wisdom and when we look we know what they would say or advice, and the memorys of them change into being much more not as some-one who died, but as some-one who lived, they can make us smile or laugh -and sometimes missing their physical presence will make us cry too, but that isnt some kind of fault it is very normal  we are emotional beings - but others often just dont get it.

You are alwys welcome to come back and chat here. :rofl:

Offline Autumnleaves

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Re: 2 weeks since my mum died
« Reply #3 on: December 06, 2018, 08:22:09 AM »
Hi, I read your message and it resonated immediately. I wanted to meet someone who had suffered the same loss. My mum died nearly seven weeks ago on what was the worst day of my life by about a million fold. She also died of what they think was a heart attack. I had seen her two days before and spent a beautiful few days with both mum and dad. We took a photo of mum and I at Inverness which is the last photo we have of her but I still can't bear to look at it. I hope I will soon because I''m sure it will be precious because it was a precious day, but oh! the shock, the pain, the disbelief. I'd only just seen her and she was well!!!!

I had to fly back to Glasgow and it was simply awful. I was sobbing and wailing uncontrollably and people looking at me. I just couldn't believe I'd lost my beautiful darling mummy and I still can't.

I just wanted to let you know I understand. I'm finding it tough too with friends because most of them are in Scotland and I'm in south of England until I can move back up there. I desperately want to share memories of mum. Nothing else in life seems relevant right now - the news, current affairs. I'm just not interested. I can't even read a book!

Hang on somehow - that's what I'm trying to do. I'm just relieved to read your story - it won't bring either of our mums back but it helps to know we're not alone  :cray:

Offline Karena

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Re: 2 weeks since my mum died
« Reply #4 on: December 06, 2018, 04:57:46 PM »
 :hug:One day you will look at the photo and it wont be so difficult as you imagine - but take your time you will know when you are ready to do that.

Offline Sandra61

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Re: 2 weeks since my mum died
« Reply #5 on: December 09, 2018, 11:37:17 PM »
Hello Now What and Autumn Leaves,

Your posts resonate with me also. My mum died a little over a year ago and I can assure you, you will gradually come to accept what has happened, but like you, for about the first six months or so, all I could think about were the awful weeks when she was in hospital and the gulit that she passed away in the time when I had gone home for a rest, exhausted, after staying with her all night and most of the day for at least three nights. I'm not sure I will ever be able to fully forgive myself for going home that day.

Since then, I have many bad, but also some better days. I am not surprised to hear what you say about friends not being very sympathetic. In my experience, i found least support from those from whom I might have expected the most and the most support from new friends from whom I might have expected the least. It certainly teaches you a lot about people and sorts out who are the ones you can rely on for a sympathetic ear and who you can't! I think often, people just don't know what to say, or don't understand, never having suffered a loss themselves, and some are just too selfish to want to worry about someone who is going through something so painful.

It is early days for both of you, so take your time and don't expect to feel much better any time soon. It's a long and difficult ordeal, but slowly, things will get a little better, as you come  to terms with what has happened and learn to live with it. In the meantime, look after  your every day needs and just do whatever helps. In the meantime, you will find understanding and support from tose of us who are in the same position here and on the Facebook page,

Sending hugs...