Author Topic: Am I right to be angry?  (Read 259 times)

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Offline Chrisii1991

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Am I right to be angry?
« on: December 07, 2018, 02:59:48 PM »
In September my ex fiance who I cared full time for collapsed and died in front of me. I then had to move out of our home together. I have been getting stronger and getting myself together since having now found employment and finished my grief counseling. Since Ieft the flat I have not been able to go near it due to the distress of him dying there and being unable to deal with someone else living there. I have had a comfortable feeling believing the flat was still empty as I have never known if someone else was there until yesterday when my current boyfriend walked past and rang me saying people are now living there. I wasn't ready to deal with that knowledge. I wanted to walk past in my own time when I felt ready and be able to accept it but he took that away from me. So today I have been in a state and I ended up walking past and seeing new tables in there and the walls having been painted over. I broke down on the ground sobbing. Am I right to be angry with my boyfriend for not thinking about my feelings? Any advice please?

Offline The Laird Of Glencairn, Scotland

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Re: Am I right to be angry?
« Reply #1 on: December 08, 2018, 11:14:59 PM »
I am angry about loads of things to do with my wife dying and even though i know i cannot change anything i am still VERY angry and its fortunate that the locum who basically let her die lives hundreds of miles away in Colchester otherwise he might not be around too long.....i think most people who are grieving will have some sort of anger and it could be like myself over treatment or like yourself seeing your old home with a new family in.....your new boyfriend wouldn't have told ya to upset ya us blokes sometimes don't think the same as our wives/girlfriends and to be honest i would have probably done the same but nowt to do with upsetting ya. I still look at my old homes on Google Earth and wonder who lives there now and wonder if they have found my old guitar in the loft or boxes full of motorbike parts for that classic bike i never got round to building. As for not thinking about your feelings one of my sisters said to me last week "at least you won't need to search for pressies for Ruth this year"  and for a moment i felt like punching her but some people say stuff without really thinking......so i just replied "No need you wasting money on Makeup  when ya can't polish a turd" LOL. They say things improve in time so its early days and we will have to wait and see..

Offline Karena

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Re: Am I right to be angry?
« Reply #2 on: December 10, 2018, 11:14:15 AM »
being angry is a normal part of grieveing so being angry isnt wrong in itself - but its also a time when we are very sensative to what people say, I,m sure your boyfriend had no intention to hurt you - maybe he was even trying to spare you the shock of finding out yourself so that you are prepared for the time you may want to walk past or for the time when some-one else tells you - so perhaps he is guilty of clumsiness in the way he told you but had good intentions.
I find anger very difficult to deal with - i have always internalised it and made everything my fault . But a couple of years ago after a neighbour issue i had an overwhelming urge to get out and away from it and stomped rather than walked up the hill behind the house - but the energy that went into doing that got rid of the anger so that has become my outlet - bottle banks - legitimatly breaking glass - or sitting in the car away from anyone and screaming are others people here have used in the past - but however you do it - i think its always best to get rid of it that way before approaching the person who has triggered it - then when you are feeling more rational you can think more clearly and if their action still angers you at least approach it calmly and explain too them more calmly why it made you angry or upset. :hug:

Offline CarolineL

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Re: Am I right to be angry?
« Reply #3 on: February 22, 2019, 10:12:17 AM »
Chrissii, I think we who have lost someone all feel anger at some point during grieving, I felt very angry with my mother in law after my husband died as she never seemed to care about him when he was alive then just seemed to want my attention all the time and I just didn't have the energy, bit ashamed of it now as she had lost her son but that's another story. I believe that anger is a waste of our energy and when grieving we need all the energy we have just to get through. Then again bottling it up cant be good for either. I'm sure your boyfriend didn't mean to upset you x Try to take care of yourself love and hugs.

Offline Karena

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Re: Am I right to be angry?
« Reply #4 on: February 22, 2019, 11:33:59 AM »
I dont know about waste of energy it is a symptom of our grief and part of our emotions like any other , but i think its how we use it and get rid of that is important. Its energy but its turned into negative energy and we need to find a way to turn it back.Having a way to do that safely then prevents us from saying and doing something we may regret and also from further damaging ourselves.

I used to be very self destructive by internalising it - i would swallow it rather than express it in any way  then dwell on it and conclude that it was my fault - sometimes it was of course, but in my world back then it was my fault every single time, and then you start hating yourself.
When you do that everything else is intensified - guilt, depression, anxiety,   if you dont like yourself - why would others - so you reject them too.
also you dont care for yourself - whats the point of cooking /going out-/going to work to keep a roof over my head  when i,m not worth it - every part of your life can be affected by it.

Offline green dragon

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Re: Am I right to be angry?
« Reply #5 on: April 27, 2019, 11:04:07 AM »
I think your anger is understandable, just maybe it's misplaced? I agree he probably wanted to spare you the shock, though you may have to ask him what he was thinking. When we are so emotionally vulnerable it isn't hard for someone to hurt us in ways that otherwise wouldn't have affected us.

But your anger is understandable in the sense that life can be so matter of fact. You moved out of a place that had meaning for you two and already other people have moved in and replaced all your memories with theirs. This is very harsh and a reason why I never visit houses I have move out of and where now others live. It's also the reason why I am torn in regards to selling the properties that my Mum owned. On the one hand, I do understand that it makes logical sense and I could use the money to buy something where I actually live but on the other they hold all our memories of the life we had. Life has moved on but we haven't yet.