Hi I'm hoping to connect with people who have experienced a similar reaction to grief.
To give you a background.
I was very close to my wonderful kind and caring mum. When I got married she started to change personality wise and we realised something wasn't right but as she'd recently suffered from depression we presumed her personality change was linked to her medication and sent her to the Dr for a check up.
He wasn't happy so scheduled some tests, but as a family, we honestly thought nothing of it. Just presumed it was standard procedure, and we all supported my mum but carried on with life as normal, as did she.
After the wedding we were lucky enough to fall pregnant quickly. The first person I wanted to tell was my mum. I picked up the phone to call her and my aunty answered saying she had just popped in to see my mum and my mum had had a funny turn when she was with her and they were literally waiting for an ambulance.
I rushed to the hospital, which is two hours away from where I live, and the Dr's thought she'd had a stroke and were awaiting brain scans. But by this point she seemed OK again. It felt so strange going from such exciting news to such terrifying news in a blink of an eye at the same.
My mum was discharged from hospital a few days later and we decided to keep the pregnancy news quiet until we knew my mum was OK even though I was desperate for her to know as she was so keen to by a grandma and this was her first grandchild.
Then we got the results. My mum had something wrong with her brain. Very long story short, she was given 3-5 years to live. We couldn't believe it.
I can't actually describe how that felt. My mum had been through so much we didn't want to tell her about the pregnancy until we knew baby was OK, as if I lost the baby I don't think she would have coped. So we waited until the 20 week scan to tell her, and then a couple of weeks later tell the rest of the family.
She was escatatic but her speech had gotten so bad by this point and her personality was changing rapidly due to the disease that I was barely recognising her as my mum.
As the pregnancy progressed, so did my mums illness. Far from being an amazing mum and daughter time (I always imagined when I got pregnant one day that me and my mum would spend my maternity together, go shopping, go out together, have coffee together and eventually when baby arrived we'd spend days with baby together), I spent my time juggling midwife appointments with hospital appointments for my mum.
It was a huge life shift and shock in such a small space of time. I was gaining a baby each day, whilst loosing my mum. It felt so surreal.
Then she got sicker and sicker and sicker the more pregnant I became. And by the time I gave birth she was wheel chair bound, coudnt speak or eat, couldn't hold the baby and during the first few weeks of motherhood I was caring for a newborn, adjusting to motherhood, and caring for my incredible mum who was wasting away before my very eyes. My babies first weeks of life were spent travelling to be with my mum, care for her and be with her
She died when my baby was 7 weeks old. 10 months from diagnosis. Far far from the 3-5 years they'd predicted.
I was so grief stricken, but I barely had a chance to process it. My baby wasn't even two months old and I was arranging a funeral for my mum. To make it worse my baby was very very high needs and demanding of constant feeding, cuddling, wouldn't sleep and wouldn't be held or comforted by anyone but me. I put all my energy into caring for her and I was getting maybe 2 hours sleep a night if that.
It's now been two years. I'm a stay at home mum. I have no family around me and cut off a lot of family after my. Mum died as it was too painful to see them as they still had their family and just didn't understand. I didn't tell them this I just distanced myself. My baby is still high needs and still doesn't sleep well. I've never had a nights sleep on over two years.
I love being a mother, and get by just fine. My baby isn't the issue.
But the sleep deprivation and grief has completely changed me as a person. Towards other people that are not my baby or dogs, I can be grumpy, blunt, short tempered, and I have a desire to control everything. Not big things, but tiny stupid things.
I get frustrated at my husband if he doesn't do things my way like put the remainder of dinner in the right bowl in the fridge. I get bugegd by stuff that would just never have bugged me before. I get impatient with things that I'd previously never have batted an eyelid at. I don't empathise as well as I used to, or appear as caring as I used to be. I really dislike other families and alienate myself from seeing other families together, although I don't openly admit this I just integrally adjust my life to avoid things.
I have a large social life with other mummies I see everyday, but I never ever discuss my mum or my family as its too painful.
It's like I'm living two different lives.
My friends life where I'm happy and kind and almost in denial
And my family or husbands family life where I'm blunt and closeted and angry and bitter and controlling because I miss my mum much
Please help