Author Topic: It's still so hard  (Read 283 times)

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Offline Kate3027

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It's still so hard
« on: January 15, 2018, 01:49:08 PM »
Hi all,

I havenít posted for a while. Christmas and New Year were very hard. I think Christmas Eve may have been the saddest day of my life. I live in Germany and spent Christmas with my husbandís German family. A week at the in-laws and can anyone guess how many people asked me how I am, really asked? Nobody. The subject of my wonderful and no-longer-with-us dad didnít come up, for a week. It broke my heart. I was in a house with what is supposedly my second family, and I felt as if not one of them cared. There was no toast at Christmas dinner and I was quite honestly simply not strong enough to give one, least of all in a house where the subject was apparently taboo. So that was dreadful. On Christmas day we went to the beach and I walked along the coast by myself and found my way onto a pier with a gale blowing and shouted out at the sea with all my lungs, and the wind shouted back at me.

New Yearís Day was hard in a way I hadnít expected. I think the weight of a brand new year in which my dad never lived was more of a blow than I thought it would be. It was a very real realisation, as if the past three months I had just been floating along and then my feet suddenly hit solid ground and I knew that this year I would not get to speak to him. And that really hurts.

Now I am up and down. I wanted to write this post simply because the writing helps, if only a little. I have days where it seems as if I am on a kind of high, I feel energetic and light and happy. I donít know why.  And then I have days like today, where I wake up with a weight in my chest that I canít shake. On days like this I can hardly remember that light happy feeling and I feel as though I am nothing, and canít do anything at all. On these days I am insecure and hardly recognise myself. Where has that confident person gone? All I want to do is listen to tragic songs and sit on the sofa feeling sorry for myself. ďWho am I?Ē I ask, ďI am nothing, I am nobodyĒ. And I know that my dad would say, ďYouíre not nobodyĒ and heíd call me my nickname. But there is nobody now to call me by that name. People keep telling me to look inside, and find him there. But he feels so far out of reach when I need him the most. Looking inside makes me feel more empty.

Mondays are always the worst. I make it to the end of a week and I am ok, but on Monday morning I donít know how to make it to the end of the new week, not when I feel like this.

The strangest part for me of grief is that all of the things that are supposed to give me comfort, simply donít. I am supposed to look at the faces of my children and be happy. Well of course I am happy when I see my children, who isnít? But when I look at them in relation to my dad, all I can think is that he was robbed of being a grandfather by his illness . All I can think is that they wonít remember knowing him. Yes theyíll know from stories I tell them, but they wonít remember THEIR relationship with him, the relationship they were robbed of. So now I have to force myself to not think about my dad when I am with my kids. I would like to build a memory box one day, but I just don't think I'm ready for that yet. My nearly 4-year-old still often asks me why Grandpa died, and answering that question makes me cry.

I live abroad as I said, so I donít have anywhere special to go and allow myself to be sad Ďnearí him when I feel like this. Iíve asked my mum for a little pot of his ashes. I donít want to spread them anywhere, I just want to keep them, to have something tangible.

Sorry for the long post, it doesnít really seem to have a conclusion, but then nor do I, itís just an inexplicable rough day. Thanks for reading.
« Last Edit: January 15, 2018, 01:59:08 PM by Kate3027 »

Offline dizzylizzy

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Re: It's still so hard
« Reply #1 on: January 26, 2018, 09:11:37 PM »
Iím sorry for your loss. I too find Christmas and New Year very hard, and one of the reasons is it hurts so much that my mum canít see my wee kids. She loved them so much and was so close to them. My little boy was just about to turn 3 and my little daughter, whom I named after mum,  six months old whe she died. I donít have any answers for you, or even advice. I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and I understand how you feel with regards to the kids. My son will be 5 soon and to him it must seem like a lifetime ago. He remembers granny was special to him but heís starting to forget in a way I never will. It hurts me so much.

Offline Kate3027

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Re: It's still so hard
« Reply #2 on: January 27, 2018, 12:30:15 PM »
Thank you for reaching out; I really appreciate your reply.
It does hurt, I understand. I do have hope for us, I hope that one day it won't hurt quite so much and that we can share all those memories even if the taste will be bittersweet. I'm just not there yet.
That is really lovely that you named your daughter after your mum, it shows such strength.

xxx

Offline Whyme

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Re: It's still so hard
« Reply #3 on: March 06, 2018, 11:26:50 AM »
Hi Kate, you are so right in saying there is no conclusion because after a loss our minds are full of confusing and ever-changing thoughts there are no answers. There is also no ones problems easier or harder to cope with. After losing my husband, my first xmas day through no fault of my own, I was totally alone and my daughter and my grandsons had been taken away and blackmailed into having no contact with me. My first year without cards and presents to give or recieve. No cooking xmas dinner, in fact I hardly any food in. God must have a reason for me being here cause how I got through that day I will never know. In six months of my husband dying, I was grieving for the loss of all my family and still am. Think this is the reason for joining this group cause I couldn't see my worst enemy have to go through that and my arms are always open for a hug and to show compassion. But I've had no more pain than anyone else. Everyone's  grief hurts just as much like yours does to you
 💖