Bereavement Support Posts => Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room => Topic started by: Twinkle on April 15, 2018, 06:34:15 PM

Title: Birthday
Post by: Twinkle on April 15, 2018, 06:34:15 PM
So in 9 days time will be Mums first birthday without her, she would have been 90, people keep telling me she got to a good age etc, that helps not one not, I miss her so much am really struggling to carry on without her. Already I can feel myself on the downward slide of unbearable grief that is like a pain, I have been reading a little about continuing bonds, thanks to Karena, and it  makes sense,but how do you stop the physical pain and how do you cope...
Title: Re: Birthday
Post by: Karena on April 16, 2018, 10:18:16 AM
 :hug:Of course her being 90 makes no difference too your loss.
Years ago Keith and i were walking in Dolby forest and came acros a spectacular viewpoint. He did is his usual thing of standing -what for me was too close to the edge to take a photo and i did my usual thing of freaking out about it -moving away from the edge and sitting down (i dont know why sitting down helps but it does) When i sat down i noticed in the grass a laminated card with writing on it and a loop of ribbon -It was a letter from daughter to dad on the first birthday after he died,saying about when she was a child and he had brought her too this viewpoint -how much she missed him etc.It was so moving  but it seemed to me a good way of dealing with the day. I thought she must have tied it to a tree and it had fallen so i tied it back -but the memory stayed with me and later helped me think of ways to get through anniversarys of my own.You cant stop the pain -These anniversarys are always painful -you can try and  ignore the day but i really believe it helps if rather than trying to go with business as usual on the day, you spend some part of it doing something as a tribute too them -mark the event in some way which would make them smile or bring them pleasure when they were here -as if they were.Whether thats revisiting a childhood place as that lady had done -or something else, is personal too you.  :hug:
Title: Re: Birthday
Post by: Twinkle on April 16, 2018, 07:04:02 PM
Thank you Karena, as always your words so wise, I have arranged to take Mums birthday off work and intend to lay some fresh flowers on her grave, then take myself off to one of the places she grew up in, it hurts so so much,  but having a plan seems to help just a little....
Title: Re: Birthday
Post by: Karena on April 17, 2018, 12:00:50 PM
 :hug: :hug: :hug: I think that is a lovely idea -its daunting to go back and to be afraid that emotion will overcome you - and fear it will make things worse -but nothing can be worse than losing them -and a place which was happy doesnt stop being happy, even if it also stirs emotions of loss, it also helps us remember happier times -and that is how all of us want to be remembered.I would even go so far as to say subconsciousely, perhaps in our lifetimes we create those moments in those places because we want them to be special for our loved ones too even when we are no longer here.
Title: Re: Birthday
Post by: Alisons on April 17, 2018, 09:07:10 PM
Lovely words Karena. I think you’re right. Although it can be poignant it can be good to go somewhere  you have shared happy memories of the person you have lost
Title: Re: Birthday
Post by: Twinkle on April 17, 2018, 09:15:11 PM
As always Karena everything you say is so right and poignant, am feeling very vulnerable tonight, my nephew has spent 24  hours telling me I can't keep living with the dead, that Mum was nearly 90 and had had a good life, and that if I had children I wouldn't be able to " wallow",
I am feeling a bit lost and unsure of who the he'll I am anymore, I thought I was a good person who tried to do the right thing, but now I am not so sure, I feel angry, that I want to provoke a reaction with people, that I feel  a burning need to make them understand Mum, I am in real danger of losing my way completely...
Title: Re: Birthday
Post by: Karena on April 18, 2018, 01:48:59 PM
 :hug: I,m sure your nephew means well -he lost a great Aunt too -but the idea that you are wallowing -like you want to be where you are is silly -of course you dont want that but thats where you are now and when you are stuck in the mud it takes a long time to get out o it -but you have just a bit and you will more but in your own time -not to fit arond other peoples expectation. -its like when they say pull your socks up -absolutlely meaningless when theyre so far down theyre trapped under your feet.
I wonder whether you should write it down -your mums life -tell her story not just as a mother but as the whole person she was. Start with what it is you want to shout at people to make them understand then tell her story so they do.
Title: Re: Birthday
Post by: Twinkle on April 18, 2018, 06:18:51 PM
You know Karena I had tentively started doing that! Just bits and pieces about Mum and Dad, I think I will continue... my nephew lost a nan in my Mum but he rarely saw her, I do appreciate of course his own grief is different, but telling me I am weak, when I am at my most vulnerable  is getting to me, somehow I have to find myself...
Title: Re: Birthday
Post by: Karena on April 19, 2018, 12:27:28 PM
 :hug: -you are not weak -you are surviving and that alone takes huge strength.He isnt in your shoes,he cannot understand what it is like to walk in them.
Title: Re: Birthday
Post by: Twinkle on April 19, 2018, 06:44:37 PM
Karena, that was a phase my Dad always used to say, walk a mile in my shoes and then judge me... trouble is when you are so so vulnerable you take everything on board don't you...

I am surviving. But only just....
Title: Re: Birthday
Post by: Karena on April 20, 2018, 12:04:17 PM
 :hug: I think you do take things on board more and also maybe become ever sensative to what people say. I was in a shop one day and two women were having a good old moan about their husbands, getting in their way when they wanted to be shopping -i left in tears, but realised after they didnt know me from Adam,and they werne actually saying anything i might not have said myself when Keith was alive, its just that things become much more personal when we are vulnerable.
when its some-one we know - a comment perhaps meant to help, becomes a personal criticism  in our perception,  which enlarges and festers if we let it.
You are surviving -you are stronger than you were a few weeks ago and you will continue to become more so -but it takes time and other people being impatient can make you think you are weaker than you are  -that there is something wrong with you -when really there isnt.
Title: Re: Birthday
Post by: Twinkle on April 20, 2018, 06:45:21 PM
Karena, as always your wise kind words make perfect sense, and give  me a little hope  :hug: