Bereavement Support Posts => Please Post In This Bereavement Support Posting Room => Topic started by: Hubby on March 29, 2016, 12:03:00 AM

Title: Four days
Post by: Hubby on March 29, 2016, 12:03:00 AM
Where to start? I guess the beginning of my nightmare.

It was a Tuesday morning. I came in from a nightshift as usual, climbed into bed and gave my wife a kiss then went asleep. Everything was perfect.

Next thing I know I was being woken by my daughter. My wife was unconscious in the bathroom. We called an ambulance and they arrived pretty fast. My wife came round a bit but was very confused and complaining of a bad headache. She was taken to the local A&E.

It was very busy. She waited 2 hours on a trolley in the corridor (they gave her 2 paracetamol for the headache) and another 2 hours in a bed before a doctor came to see her. The doctor immediately ordered a CT scan. When the results came back we were taken into a relatives room and told she had a haemorage. She was transferred to a neurological centre. We left her at 11:30 pm after they told us she was in the best place and there wasn't much point staying.

At 3:30 on Wednesday morning we got a call saying she had deteriorated. I thought I had lost her. We raced down and she was having an op to fit a drain in her head. She came through that then had another to stop the burst aneurysm from bleeding again. They told us that was a success and that they had put her in a medical coma to let her brain heal and I started to get my hopes up. Again we went home late at night.

My daughter rang them on Thursday morning and woke me saying it wasn't urgent but they would like to speak to us. Having had hardly any sleep I said I would see them at visiting time but my daughters went to the hospital. I then got a call saying it was urgent and made my way there.

They told us that they had done another CT scan and the damage was so bad she was brain dead.

They kept her alive on the machines all through Friday and on Saturday we said our goodbyes, they removed the breathing tube, and she slipped away.

And that's it. Four days to end 33 years of marriage. Four days to lose my wife, best friend, mother of my kids and soulmate. Four days to turn my life on its head and lose my reason for living.

I know they say life is cruel but never knew it could be this cruel.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Cairo on March 29, 2016, 06:53:41 AM
How dreadful for you. There are no words to take away the pain.

The NHS has a lot of problems at the moment with staffing and beds. It's terrible to think our loved ones didn't get the best, quickest attention that we would have wanted for them. Even if the outcome may have been the same it would be some consolation to feel everything possible had been done as quickly as it could. It may torment you for some time.

I also know the worry watching your loved one being treated, your hopes being raised only to be crushed again, the terrible unexpected phone calls from the hospital to say they have deteriorated, the shock of being told that they probably won't recover,  and the terrible realisation they are not going to and you did not have a chance to say goodbye. It is all agonising and you'll probably replay it in your head over and over for quite a while.

You are in shock now and the most important thing is to try to look after yourself. Think what your wife would want you to do. She'd want you to take care of yourself, to eat properly, to have fresh air. Hug your daughters and try to help each other. Family is so important.

Life is enormity cruel at times and there is no way around the pain. Don't be afraid to cry and scream and shout. Everyone here feels for you. Xxx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on March 29, 2016, 08:32:34 AM
Thank you.

Mornings are the worst. I wake early and quickly realise what has happened. That sets off a series of physical symptoms that stops me going back to sleep.

Last night I fell asleep about 2am. I woke this morning at 5:30. I have been trying to go back to sleep since then but have thoughts running around my head, palpitations and nausea. I got up to let our dog out and collapsed. I have been retching and physically sick. I am so tired right now and feel too weak to get out of bed.

I miss her so much. She was everything to me.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: longedge on March 29, 2016, 09:55:46 AM
My heart goes out to you mate. At the moment there's nothing anyone can say or do that will make you feel better. Kindness of friends and the love of family will hopefully help a little but it's time that helps you come to terms with things. I've gone from 24/7 utter misery to having odd days that are more or less OK but I've accepted that every now and again I'll fall back into the depths. People several years down the line have told me that is how they feel but I can see that the bad times are getting further apart. You'll have a bewildering range of emotions. I thought sometimes I was going round the twist but talking to others I realised that we are all the same and all have the same feelings at one time or another.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on March 29, 2016, 11:27:41 AM
Thanks for the reply.

I've just realised it was two weeks ago this morning my nightmare started. After six hours trying to get back to sleep I've given up and decided to get out of bed. I feel weak and numb.

This afternoon I have to pay the deposit on the funeral, decide on the verse for the paper and order flowers. I'll be on autopilot doing all this. Steered around by my daughters who have surprised me with the way they have stepped up to the plate.

If only I could find the inner strength to take some of the burden off them.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: longedge on March 29, 2016, 11:44:15 AM
Sometimes having to 'step up to the mark' helps us get through things, it might be the very thing that is helping them to cope. The next week or two will be hard for you all but it does help to face thing as a family I find.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Cairo on March 29, 2016, 02:16:40 PM
Your daughters may be finding that having things to do helps them cope. They will be feeling helpless to ease your suffering so taking some of the load off you will help them. They may feel weaker later on and perhaps you'll be able to support them then.

Only time will ease things at all. Until then just get through each day, or even each hour as best you can. Feeling sick and shaky is completely normal after you've had a terrible shock. I still feel like that most of the time after 5 weeks but I have the odd hour now when I'm not shaking. Going back to work helped me as I had to concentrate on other things. Can't do a whole day at work yet though.

I bought some herbal tablets from the chemist to help me sleep for the first couple of weeks and found they helped.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on March 29, 2016, 02:35:16 PM
Thanks for replies. I've been out and feel a bit better now.

Phoned Samaritans before going out. Had a little weep in the flower shop and a rant in the funeral directors and dropped some brand new clothes off at the local charity shop. Things she hasn't worn hold no memories and are just clutter. I couldn't donate anything I could remember her wearing.

Doctors appointment in twenty minutes. Don't know how that's going to go.  :undecided:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: longedge on March 29, 2016, 03:05:27 PM
I'd say just keep doing what feels right for you. At first, my sleep patterns were totally upside down and I was sleeping half the day away and then up all night but I just went with it and eventually I'm more or less back to 'normal' as regards sleep now. I'm still trying to work out what is going to be my new normal in other respects in the future.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on March 29, 2016, 04:26:52 PM
Thanks longedge.

Looks like my new normal regarding sleep in the short term is a strong sedative every night. I got half a dozen off the doc. I didn't want to take this route but I am knackered and need a good rest.

Just been to the park with the dog. Had a bit of a talk with the wife while there (dog thinks I'm nuts). Got a bit weepy when I saw a granny and grandad with their grandchild on the swings. That should have been me and my wife over the coming years. Managed to cover it up well.

Now it's time to try and force some food down
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Joann on March 29, 2016, 07:22:58 PM
Sending lots of  :hug: to you.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on March 29, 2016, 07:28:38 PM
Dogs are great companions in that respect, can chat away with them and although they may give you a strange look now and again, are always there with a waggy tail

Be gentle with yourself.  Good that you are eating, may not feel like it but will help you through the days.  Grief takes alot of energy xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on March 29, 2016, 10:53:25 PM
Thanks for replies.

My eldest surprised me with a great chicken dinner. I thought she couldn't cook. She certainly didn't a fortnight ago. OK, she cheated a bit by getting the chicken ready cooked but well done her for the planning.

I've had a couple of weeps (full blown blubbers if truth be known) tonight. They can be triggered off by the most random things. I can sit and look at pictures of my wife and remember happy times pretty much unaffected but then see something on an advert that vaguely reminds me of something and end up in floods of tears.  :cray:

Any how's, I've lasted another day and now I'm going to take my sleeping pill and hopefully get a decent nights kip.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: longedge on March 29, 2016, 11:26:48 PM
They can be triggered off by the most random things.

'Aint that the truth I still can't predict what's going to set me off. This morning it was toothpaste   :huh:  (well I was brushing my teeth and then thought about the toothpaste that Chris used to use)
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on March 30, 2016, 02:11:22 PM
reminders everywhere. Today it's the sound of the key going in the lock that sets me off. I half expect her to walk in.

I cried myself to sleep but then had nearly eight hours sleep last night. Still wanted more but couldn't drop off again. Waking up was Groundhog Day again as the reality of everything swelled up inside me.

I haven't done anything up to now. The vicar is coming round tonight to sort out the device details. I could do without that but it has to be done.

I might attempt a bit of cleaning.  :huh:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on March 30, 2016, 04:40:28 PM
 :hearts: it is such early days you are doing well just to get out of bed at all.Our dog was my motivation to do anything back in the early days but eventually being outdoors did become the thing that made me feel better,nature i think has a way of reaching in and refusing to let you ignore it,a moment of sunshine or a bird song can become a moment of healing, which you then cling onto through the storms.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on March 30, 2016, 05:16:47 PM
I do have happy times. Normally pretty short but always welcome.

Someone sent us a rose bush. The variety has the same name as my wife. It was a lovely thought but it set me off

I've been out with the dog to the park where I had a full scale meltdown. Wailed my eyes out. Fortunately nobody was around and I managed to get it out of my system though I have had a couple of sniffles since I got home.  :cray:

I've had a little go at cleaning the yard but that didn't last long. Didn't seem to be any point to it.

Having a cuppa now. Dreading the knock from the vicar.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on March 30, 2016, 09:47:28 PM
Hello Hubby,

So sorry for this sudden loss. I, like the others cannot form words that can give you comfort but just know this is a wonderful and supportive site.  My sleep was getting worse and worse over time so I had to get a little help with 1/2 a sleeping pill. I try to go a night or two and take melatonin and if I can nap during the day, make up for sleep- sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. It's easier to do if you aren't working though.

You are at the very beginning and it will be just a roller coaster. You'll never know what sets you off so just go with it. Grief really takes charge of every emotion.  I'm at a stage of dealing with some anger which can rear it's head just before going to bed so after pacing and muttering a few nasty words under my breath or pounding a pillow, I am fully charged and cannot sleep but it just comes over me, we have no real control.

My poor dog just pins back his ears when I rant- I think he used to wonder what the heck was wrong with his mostly even tempered owner but now he seems to just take me in stride.   Take care of yourself :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on March 31, 2016, 10:55:50 PM
Thanks for the words of comfort.

What a lousy day I have had. Didn't take my sleeping pill till late last night and then didn't wake till 2 in the afternoon. My daughter bought lunch for me then my other daughter brought in an order of service and eulogy she had prepared for the funeral. That was it, I took one look and I have been crying on and off almost constantly ever since.

On the plus side I managed to take the dog out avoiding places where I would meet people and even managed to mow the lawn through tear filled eyes but even the thought of the funeral fills me with dread.

One comfort I do have is that we got some stuff back from the hospital and my mother in law has sewn my wifes dressing gown into a cushion for me. I don't know why but it gives me a sense of ... something ... just to hold it close.

This isn't how men are supposed to be.  :cray:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on April 01, 2016, 12:40:39 PM
Sending a hug
I think that is how men should be personally, we are all human and we all have feelings, why should men feel they have to hide them.  (there are studies that show males feel effect of certain emotions more strongly, and is why men may often walk away from a heated argument) 
In a way (not taking away the sorrow of knowing you're in pain) how beautiful it is to have an insight into how wonderful your love is for your wife.  I think with such great love, with the balance of life (if you think ying yang) that makes loss so very hard.  Grieving is so hard but how wonderful to have felt intense love.  Sensing a huge hug, it's a hard journey, take little steps  :hug: xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 01, 2016, 12:55:38 PM
Thankyou emz.  It means a lot that people understand. I was writing the following before seeing your reply to my last post.

Sorry to go on but I'm using the forum as a sort of diary.  :undecided:

Bit of a mixed morning. No sleeping pill last night so I woke early and couldn't get back to sleep. Postman brought letters from insurance and the likes that set me off for a bit then I got a call from the council (we had been having some dealings with them) saying they had issued a temporary exemption till I get stuff sorted so that was good.

Decided to take a trip to the local market with my daughter.  Lots of clothes my wife would have loved but we bought treats for the dog and some clothes for our grandson that my wife would have leapt on. My wife is now in the local chapel of rest and I am not going to see her. I prefer to try and remember her as she was and cannot face going in. I did have a bit of a cry outside the chapel of rest which is alongside the market. A few people stopped me and offered their condolences and I had my first awkward "How's your wife?" Conversation. That hurt.

I've hoovered up and then had a sausage roll for lunch and got crumbs all over where I had just cleaned. Margaret would have known to hoover after eating the sausage rolls. Just one of a million things I have to learn.

God bless her. She did everything
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Cairo on April 01, 2016, 01:14:58 PM
Please forget any 'men shouldn't ...' stuff. It's nonsense.

It is far far healthier for you to be feeling and expressing your emotions than keeping them bottled up. I don't know about you but I often feel better and relieved after having a good cry or shout or whatever.

I've avoided going places where I might accidentally bump into people so you are doing well. I've preferred to plan to see people one at a time when I think I can cope better, so you're very brave going out as you have.

Just keep going, one day at a time. Xxxx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 01, 2016, 01:49:23 PM
Thank Cairo

My kids and mother in law have gone down to the chapel of rest. I'm at home using the opportunity to have a good cry. Dog thinks I'm mad.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on April 01, 2016, 06:41:43 PM
 No need to ever apologise about 'going on' here.  Using the site like a diary can really help xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: longedge on April 01, 2016, 07:35:53 PM
My wife is now in the local chapel of rest and I am not going to see her. I prefer to try and remember her as she was and cannot face going in.

I felt the same way and then I thought back to the deaths we've had in the family before Chris died, most recently our sister-in-law and remembered that Chris always went to the Chapel of Rest although I didn't go with her. Because she always thought it the right thing to do, I did go to see her and to be honest it didn't upset me as much as I thought it would. I did it for her. It is a very personal decision and I don't make any judgement either way, but I'm glad that I did in my own circumstances.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Cleo on April 01, 2016, 08:45:51 PM
All you can do is take each day,at a time.  Be kind to yourself and try not to feel guilty if you find yourself enjoying something.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 01, 2016, 09:30:35 PM
Thanks for the replies.

On the suggestion of a friend I've spent this evening getting stuff together for a memory box for me and the family to look at in future. I've got a bangle she always wore, her favourite perfume, lipstick and nail varnish, a hairband and and a lock of her hair. Just having the things in front of me somehow makes me feel closer to her. I will add other things as I come across them.

I know I might regret not going to see her in the chapel of rest. My daughters say she looked nice and at peace but it is something I really fear. If I don't go I might have regrets but if I do and everything isn't exactly as I remember her that would be too much for me. I'll have to see if I feel the same tomorrow.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: longedge on April 01, 2016, 10:27:07 PM
My daughters say she looked nice and at peace but it is something I really fear.

I think you are in much the same place that I was last October. My daughters & brother-in-law had all been and said the same things that your daughters have said to you. I didn't fear going but rather just didn't see the point. Chris certainly looked at peace and I told her how much I was going to miss her and said goodbye. It wasn't easy in fact it's hurting now just thinking back but I'll never regret having gone. I think I might have regretted not going if I hadn't.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 03, 2016, 02:12:41 AM
I didn't go to the chapel of rest but I am thinking of going tomorrow.

I've had quite a busy day. The sleeping pill only half worked so I woke at 7:30. Didn't get up till 11 when I realised I wasn't going to drop off again. Had a bit of a cry.

Walked to a retail park and bought some writing materials and a digital photo frame. The daughters went to the chapel of rest again and brought me back one of Margarets hair bands and a lock of her hair which had me crying my eyes out.

After a bit I went food shopping with my daughter then took the dog for a walk.

This evening I have written a long letter to give to my wife if I go to see her tomorrow and I have spent about three hours looking through old photos to put on the digital frame as I want it to be on the table at the after funeral nibbles.

Writing the letter was really hard and I cried a lot while doing it but looking through the old photos brought back memories of wonderful times together and even had me chuckling on a few occasions.

She can still brighten my day even though she is gone.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: longedge on April 03, 2016, 02:19:42 AM
You're n the same place that I was in 5 months ago - be strong matey!!
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 03, 2016, 06:11:52 PM
I went. I cried my eyes out all the way there but, strangely, stopped when I went in the room. She looked different but peaceful. I stayed in for about five minutes. Thanked her for the best years of my life, apologised for any way I might have let her down over the years, told her that her make up looked a kip then placed my letter and a small teddy in the coffin, said goodbye, gave her a final kiss and left.

Outside I cried again for about half a hour while other family members were in with her.

The others are now out visiting people and I am alone after coming back from walking the dog. I feel strangely at ease as if seeing her has made me realise that there was more to her than what I have lost and I still have so much left.

I can't say I would have regretted not going but I am glad I did.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Joann on April 03, 2016, 06:49:55 PM
 :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on April 03, 2016, 08:35:14 PM
 :hearts: xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: longedge on April 03, 2016, 08:54:47 PM
A memory that you wouldn't otherwise have had. Tinged with a lot of pain I know, but I found it helped me to acknowledge what had happened. Coming terms with it is still an ongoing process for me and I think that is common to us all.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Cairo on April 03, 2016, 09:16:38 PM
I agree that it helped me to come to terms with what had happened. I can remember my husband more clearly went I went to see him in the Chapel of Rest than when I was with him in Intensive Care in hospital. At that point I was in total shock and he had tubes going in and out everywhere. I think I needed to see him so my last memory would be of him looking smartly dressed and unattached to medical equipment.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 03, 2016, 11:44:59 PM
Had the family round tonight with loads of KFC. They've all gone now and my daughter has gone to bed. Funeral is first thing tomorrow. I'm in a really bad place. Crying, chest aching, I feel absolutely physically and emotionally drained.

I know I'm not going to be able to sleep but can't risk taking my last sleeping tablet in case I can't wake tomorrow.

Looks like it's going to be a long hard night.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Cleo on April 04, 2016, 06:12:47 AM
Hopefully you will find the day much nicer than you expect as I found it a lovely celebratuon of my gorgeous husband's life.  Just make sure you have support after it is over.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on April 04, 2016, 07:34:07 AM
Sending a hug to help you through today  :hug: xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 04, 2016, 08:53:45 AM
Up, dressed, ready. Major panic attack. Feel sick, shaking, can't breathe.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: longedge on April 04, 2016, 09:25:23 AM
Funeral day Hubby? Be strong for your wife mate.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on April 04, 2016, 12:54:45 PM
 :hug: :hug: :hug:thinking of you today
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on April 04, 2016, 12:56:31 PM
 :hug: xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Dave Administrator on April 04, 2016, 03:35:56 PM
Up, dressed, ready. Major panic attack. Feel sick, shaking, can't breathe.


Goodness knows from where but I hope you found the strength to go through this extremely painful almost surreal day and you have a kind of inner peace within you now that she is at rest and the happy memories she gave you, are locked in your heart forever.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Joann on April 04, 2016, 06:38:53 PM
 :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 04, 2016, 06:52:28 PM
Thank you all for your thoughts.

It's done.

Incredibly hard at first. Waiting in the street with all the neighbours standing opposite. I cried a lot then the hearse arrived and I totally broke down. The slow drive to the church where I found lines of my workmates had turned out and the church packed with people who's lives she had touched. I couldn't pick out a face in the crowds it was all a blur.

The service went well, varied between sad and funny moments especially the eulogy by my eldest, we left the church to the sound of wig wam bam by the sweet, a song she always used to dance to at parties. The graveside service was really short which I was thankful for.

Then the nibbles. The club I booked managed to display the photos I prepared for the digital frame on a big screen which looked good. My youngest daughter had also prepared large display boards with photos from her life which was a nice touch. That part was easier than I thought.

Then home, to an empty house.

Feeling better? Not really but another day got through, something I didn't want to do out of the way and, hopefully, another step forward.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Cairo on April 04, 2016, 08:30:51 PM
It sounds as if you did really well. Now you must concentrate on taking care of yourself as it will have taken a lot out of you physically and emotionally. Keep talking xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on April 04, 2016, 08:41:54 PM
Please keep coming back and talking too us we will be here to try and help you get through each day one small step at at a time.
keep hold of those happy memorys,In my wardrobe I have costume that I sewed for Keith after persuading him we and another friend should go to a fancy dress 70,s Xmas bash as the sweet,that is the song we sang, and that was him ready to go along with anything and full of fun so for me too there is poignancy in it i cant bring myself to part with that costume but also a true memory of the fun person it reminds me of.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 05, 2016, 07:01:20 PM
I tried to sleep all day today. I didn't want to get up at all. When I did I just had this feeling that everything was pointless and sat and cried, I went to a doctors appointment and cried, came home and cried (can you see a pattern emerging).

Then I stopped crying. I have just had a minor success in managing to cook a bit of meat in the oven without destroying it and paired it up with microchips to feed me and my eldest daughter and I'm feeling a bit better now.

Just having a lie down now (still so tired) but I'm going to have a go at tidying up later. I'm figuring the more I get involved in this new normal he sooner I may start to accept it.

She's probably up there now laughing at my attempts to do what she did so easily.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: longedge on April 05, 2016, 07:24:52 PM
We have a long and painful road ahead of us and I'm only a little way down that road ahead of you. If you have the chance to do so, then I'd recommend joining a support group in a couple of months time perhaps. I think generally speaking that you need that first 2-3 months to come out of the initial shock, I certainly did and everyone I've spoken to felt the same way. For now take tings easy and be kind to yourself.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Cleo on April 05, 2016, 07:35:18 PM
Gosh, the tiredness was unrelenting to start with.  I then made myself so busy that I made myself ill so find a happy medium.  I understand what you mean about pointless, everything feels pointless without the love of my life.  Remember you have your chikdren, they will keep you going. 
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: longedge on April 05, 2016, 10:50:04 PM
She's probably up there now laughing at my attempts to do what she did so easily.

I always realised that it was Chris who made everything happen, all the gardening, re-decorating, cleaning, buying for grandkids, christmas, birthdays etc. etc. etc. even though I was doing a lot of the work but she was the driving force. I try but I'm totally inadequate but the trouble is I can hear her telling me off all the time for my shortcomings. I hear her a lot and it isn't always complimentary  :azn:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on April 06, 2016, 03:16:22 PM
 :hug:bless you of course you are not useless,but no-one picks these things up overnight, it is a steep learning curve,  for anyone let alone when you are exhausted through trauma like this,but gradually all these little practicalitys will become normal to you. As for the telling off I still can hear the tellings off when i take on something too heavy, and i can still hear him, laughing at me when i do something stupid.
its not just us either, My friend died just before Keith they were great friends with each other and Knowing i was always talking too him still, her husband rang one night and said can you ask Keith to ask Dot where she kept the kitchen scissors because she wont tell me she,s too busy laughing at me trying to cut bacon rind off with a bread knife.

But also i still refer to Keith for things, when the camper van breaks down, remembering the basic steps he went through to find the fault,when i,m trying to do some DIY what tool should i use, and occasionally i might have offered him a victory salute when i get it right just as i would have if he was here.Also thinking what he would have said in a situation, what he would have advised the kids about something,often by thinking like that i find the answers are more clear to me.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 06, 2016, 05:03:46 PM
Thanks for the replies  :hearts:

Bit of same old, same old day today. Got up latish, bit of a cry. Had a go at tidying bedroom and the dreaded wardrobes. Had big cry. Filled a big bag with stuff Margaret has never used for charity shop. Will maybe take that down tomorrow.

I've taken down all the bereavement cards. They weren't helping at all.

I never know when the crying will hit me. I can look at things that I think should upset me and ... nothing. Then I spot something which has meant nothing to me and, bang, I'm off in floods and it becomes the most important thing in the world.

Eating is a problem too. It's not that I can't eat. I just don't feel hunger at all and forget to eat if that makes sense to anybody.  :undecided:

Not much progress today.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: longedge on April 06, 2016, 05:12:32 PM
I never know when the crying will hit me. I can look at things that I think should upset me and ... nothing. Then I spot something which has meant nothing to me and, bang, I'm off in floods and it becomes the most important thing in the world.

Absolutely the same for me, although I don't break into floods very often now but the strangest most unexpected things send me into deep despair. If you haven't already come across it yet, try googling "Whirlpool of grief". It will throw up lots of reading matter that might help you to visualise what's going on.

Wish I could the say the same when it comes to eating - I can't stop and I'm in danger of not being able to fit into any of my clothes!!
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Cairo on April 06, 2016, 05:26:00 PM
I hear my George telling me things as well. I don't always agree with what he says but that's how it was when he was alive as well. OMG I found it so hard to write 'when he was alive'.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 07, 2016, 02:00:35 PM
Thanks for replies.

I know what you mean Cairo. I was having quite a good morning. I replaced an electrical socket that wouldn't let go of a plug(???), took some stuff to the charity shop, did a little shopping, spoke to the NHS counselling service (two weeks wait to be told I have to wait another week for an initial assessment?) and even dealt with some rip off credit check company that have been helping themselves to £6 a month of my wife's money for doing nothing (They got a bit of anger).

All without a tear.

Then I had to fill in a Birthday card for my youngests 27th birthday.

Margaret had already bought the card, presents and even arranged for cash to put in the card. All I had to do was sign it. After 45 minutes of absolute bawling I settled for 'Have a nice birthday from mum and dad'. It seemed so stupid. Not right at all but the best I could do.

Margaret would have arranged a little family get together with sandwiches cut in triangles and cakes and stuff. I'm really going to miss that sort of thing.

God bless you marg.  :candle:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Cairo on April 07, 2016, 02:09:17 PM
Oh I had a little weep at that myself. It is all so sad isn't it?

Sounds as if you're doing really well. Are you managing to sleep any better now?
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 07, 2016, 03:03:13 PM
Sleep is courtesy of tablets. One tablet gives me about 6 hours sleep then I wake up and stay in a sort of half sleep phase until I decide to get up. The doctor only gives me 5 a week in case I take he lot so I have to decide what nights I don't want to sleep. It's not ideal but I have to be off the tablets before I even think of going back to work or I am not allowed to do my job.

I don't like relying on tablets anyway but needs must :undecided:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: longedge on April 07, 2016, 03:31:25 PM
It might not be to everybody's taste but I listen to audio books. Our County library have them available for download and I have them on my iPhone. The app has a sleep timer and I go to sleep every night listening and just re-wind and put it back on again several times a night when I wake. It's been a life saver for me as I get lost in the book and stop the endless round and round thoughts that keep me awake otherwise.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 07, 2016, 04:16:26 PM
Sounds like a good tip. I like reading and at the moment I do it on a kindle. I'm in the middle of Les miserables believe it or not. Listening would certainly make dropping off a lot easier than reading.  :smiley:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Cairo on April 07, 2016, 04:19:01 PM
Have you tried herbal tablets for the other nights? I haven't needed prescription sleeping tablets but have taken herbal pills to help a few times if I've had trouble getting off to sleep and find they help.

I wake early as well but you can survive reasonably well on 6 hrs a night. Worrying about not sleeping is often worse than the not sleeping itself.

The other thing I find helps is listening to a Guided Imagery recording I have. It's like a meditation especially for grief. I bought mine online but there are free ones you can download. Not for everyone but it helps me. Audio books sound good too.

Realised after the workmen left today that George would have given them a cold beer and walked round to see what they'd done. I may try that tomorrow but not sure if it's appropriate from me. What do you think?
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 07, 2016, 04:26:03 PM
At the moment, without the tablets, there is only about 30 minutes of sleep. But I do want to get off them as soon as possible so all suggestions are welcome. I never was very good at sleeping before I lost Margaret and now slep doesn't come at all.

I'm sure the workmen would love a cold beer if the weather is warm ... Or perhaps a nice strong cuppa and a bacon butty  :coffeetoast:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on April 07, 2016, 07:00:55 PM
Signing cards is one of those trip hazards we don't always anticipate,but I,m sure your daughter appreciates you putting from mum and dad it isnt silly at all.
See if you can find some reading material online about a grief counselling method called continuing bonds,it made a big difference to me.A lot of traditional theory works on the basis of breaking the bond this concentrates on the ways in which a bond changes but is not Brocken.
I think you need to consult your gp before giving up the sleeping tablets don't try and go cold turkey before you do he/she might suggest you cut down more slowly maybe half a tablet then gradually move to herbal teas, I have found they are an acquired taste but worth persisting.
I sleep downstairs so have acquired the bad habit of late night TV but starting to get back to the kindle now.

I loved the book les miserables but the musical had me in bits.Not that it matters as often at these things when the lights go up there are a lot of red eyes and Hanky's.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on April 07, 2016, 07:07:14 PM
Chamomile tea is supposed to be good. I personally don't like the taste however Pukka tea do a flavour called 'relax' which contains chamomile. I quite like the flavour, might be worth a try.  Worst case you are rehydrated a bit :-)

Hot milky drinks or hot choc might be good too. Often it is creating a routine which signals to your mind and body you're preparing for sleep. (I adore frothy hot chocolate with a dash of Baileys :-))  xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 08, 2016, 09:15:58 AM
I tried sleep without a tablet last night. Big mistake. I fell asleep at 2:30 and woke at 5. Thoughts were going through my head for hours then I had a major meltdown. My crying woke my eldest daughter who tried to reassure me but to no avail. I rang the Samaritans and got no help just someone who mostly stayed silent.

A lousy start to the day and it's my youngests birthday plus friends are on their way over to see me. I just feel like hiding away.

I can't go on like this.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on April 08, 2016, 10:34:25 AM
Sending a big hug. The early days truly suck :-( you've always got us here, it's hard but you can do it, with lots of TLC and baby steps xxx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 08, 2016, 10:49:41 AM
Thanks emz.

I rang the CRUSE bereavement helpline ... "Sorry but all our counsellors are busy..."

In desperation I rang the Samaritans again. I've just spent best part of an hour pouring out all my problems. Not just the death of Margaret but the absolute mess it has left behind that needs dealing with. Yesterday I thought I was starting to manage to get things done but today is easily my worst day so far.  :cray:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on April 08, 2016, 11:45:30 AM
 :hug:try yor GP i got counselling through them after the anti depressents sleeping tablets etc made me physically ill. I didnt want to go i didnt think it would help but it was the only option left and it did help in the end.
I imagine its more difficult in a house with others as you dont want to disturb them but rather than trying to sleep and lying there with all those things going round and round uselessly i just gave up and got up. One thing that helped deal with the thoughts and worries about everything that needs doing was to switch the light on keep a pen and notebook next to the bed, and write it down.If it was something that required action i would write possible solutions and then deal with it the followin day, if it was not then just writing a phrase or a feeling down would often then develop into something longer maybe a poem or a letter too him,writing letters helped even though he was never going to read them.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: longedge on April 08, 2016, 12:29:33 PM
You've crossed the biggest hurdle by asking for help. Keep asking. I was offered help by our local hospice where Chris died and at first said no but then thank goodness decided to go to group meetings for recently bereaved. Once you've found the right place for you I'm sure it will help.

I went to the first meeting just about 3 months after Chris died and I remember one of the first things I said was, "I thought it was going to get easier but it's just getting worse." As I've said before, we're travelling this road together but I can now go some days and feel good from when I get up in the morning until I go to bed again at night. There are still days when it all hurts so much that I just want to crawl away and die but we've got our kids/grandkids to think about. We have to bear it for their sake  :cray:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 08, 2016, 01:12:37 PM
Thanks all.  :heart:

I've calmed down a bit now. Been out to the local market with my eldest and the dog and had a few conversations with people offering condolences. Even managed to sort out a little insurance matter that has been worrying me.

I am waiting for counselling off the GP. he put me down for it three days after Margaret's death. I got a letter this week saying ring for an appointment and booked an assessment over the phone which is next Thursday (the waiting time for a face to face assessment is four weeks!). Then I will have to wait for counselling to start. In the meantime the Samaritans are going to ring me in the morning.

My eldest has bought cupcakes and arranged sandwiches for my youngests birthday like Margaret would have done. Margaret would be so proud of both of them.

I'm very tired now. Hope all of you are having a good day.  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on April 08, 2016, 03:11:44 PM
 :hearts:  keep at it with your little steps and rest when you need to.  Its exhausting.  So wonderful your children are pulling together  :hug:  xxx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 08, 2016, 08:12:54 PM
Thanks emz. Not making many steps today I'm afraid.

Tried resting but couldn't sleep. My youngest came in with her bloke and my grandchild and also the mother in law for birthday nibbles. I had a bit of a cry when she opened the card and the present Margaret had already bought for her. Couldn't eat much, about half a sandwich. They left about half six and I've been trying to sleep. I'm so tired but I feel generally down, dizzy and nauseous. Too early to go to bed with tablet.

Looked at the local papers website before and was shocked to see the funeral of a 16 year old girl featured. She was in the next room to Margaret in the intensive care unit and I was really hoping she would pull through for them. Her family were lovely people.

Life is cruel. Death even more so.

I'm not coping at all.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on April 08, 2016, 08:16:49 PM
It can sometimes feel like no progress or one step forward two steps back, be gentle with yourself.  Remember, even the little things are an achievement, like getting up and ready in the morning, walking the dog etc.  Its all good stuff, keeping you going, which will all accumulate and help you slowly keep going.  Hold on to those positives, however small they may seem.  Xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Cairo on April 08, 2016, 08:27:31 PM
You may feel you're making no progress but you are. Just letting yourself experience your grief to the full and allowing yourself to cry is taking you along the road to healing, although it may not feel like it.

Talking to the Samaritans can be a help so well done for reaching out to them. I hope you find counselling helps you and you don't have to wait too long for an appointment.

Big hugs xxx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Joann on April 08, 2016, 09:17:01 PM
Hubby, sending lots of  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 08, 2016, 10:17:05 PM
Thanks for the replies. It really means a lot to me that people know and understand what I am experiencing and believe I can get through it.  :smiley:

I've come to bed early and taken my tablet. I'm hoping for a long sleep.

Goodnight all  :hearts:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 09, 2016, 12:08:39 PM
Not much sleep considering. Two lots of three hours then lay awake panicking till Samaritans called. Spent fifty minutes on phone to them and calmed down a bit. There's quite a bit of other stuff That has surfaced to be dealt with besides the loss of my wife and the Samaritan suggested that this might be getting in the way of me grieving properly which kind of makes sense.

Up now and thinking of taking dog for walk to grave to try and release a few emotions.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Cairo on April 09, 2016, 03:41:54 PM
I think you are doing well. Often our emotions are complex so it's not surprising if other things are mixed up with your grief. It's hard work dealing with them but you are bring brave and facing everything from the sound of it. Hope you are feeling better today. Big hugs xxx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on April 09, 2016, 04:28:49 PM
 :hearts: xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on April 09, 2016, 07:28:51 PM
I think grief makes dealing with other things twice as hard,everything is out of kilter and if the person you lost is the person who you would have shared everything with double it again.Please try and eat that could be why you are feeling dizzy,it doesn't matter what you eat.If you can't then please keep drinking water dehydration will make you really poorly very quickly. :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 10, 2016, 12:31:35 AM
Thanks again for the replies

I've had another rough day. I took the dog for a walk to the grave. Had a bit of a conversation and a ruddy good sob at the graveside till I was interrupted by a well meaning passerby checking if I was OK. The shortened sob did it's job and I felt quite calm when I got home.

My youngest brought us subway sandwiches for dinner which filled me up and I spent a bit of time attacking washing up in the kitchen. My eldest daughters boyfriend came down in the morning and they were watching telly.

I cooked a rump steak for Billy, our Jack Russell, because Margaret would always do him one on a Saturday and he has missed out on them the past few weeks. Then I took him out for another walk, still feeling calm.

On the  way back, at the end of the road, it hit me. A sudden thought. What is the point of going home when she isn't there anymore? I cried all the way to our gate, went in and sat on the stairs leading up to the path and cried for ten minutes. Then I went inside. I didn't want to cry in front of my daughter and her boyfriend so I went into the front room, hugged the cushion that has Margaret's dressing gown in and sobbed my heart out.

My daughter heard me and asked if there was anything she could do and I am ashamed to say I turned on her. Told her she hadn't done anything all day so why didn't she continue doing nothing. I know this really upset her. I don't know why I did it.

I then took my cushion upstairs and lay on the bed with the radio on. My daughter brought me a cup of tea, I apologised and we had a little cry together. I have been upstairs since listening to classic fm and reading. I am calm again now but so ashamed with myself for snapping at her. I've become some sort of monster  :cray:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Spaicer on April 10, 2016, 06:57:01 AM
Your daughter sounds very caring and knows you're not a monster she obviously loves you very much.
I have snapped at my daughter too & she has mild learning difficulties, I know how bad it makes you feel.
I have a cairn terrier I think having to take him out for walks helps, more than having to look after the children even.  (They're adults but I still cook, clean etc for them)
I don't have a graveside to visit, i can't even bring myself to collect his ashes yet, I definitely couldn't deal with them in the house.
I hope today is easier for you  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on April 10, 2016, 09:31:41 AM
Your emotions are raw,  try to be kind to yourself.  I went through a phase where I would get angry and rant at work, mainly to my boss, it was so weird, it was like I wasnt me and I'd be quite surprised afterwards, unsure why I acted the way i did.  I was lucky that my boss was understanding (he had previously experienced a similar loss).  In a 1-2-1 I said that I just didnt feel like me, and he agreed but understood.  In time that 'phase' passed

We often dont feel like us on the journey, but you are doing ok, you apologised and you are both ok now.  Try not to be hard on yourself.  You are doing ok, just remember baby steps and keep talking, you can do it  :hug: xx

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: longedge on April 10, 2016, 11:40:09 AM
It's a terribly stressful time for everyone in the family and I'd say that you need to be careful not to open wounds that fester over a longer period. Don't worry about having lost it for a moment (could be any of us) but do make the effort to give her a hug, make it up and make sure she understands. But you've probably already done that  :azn:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 10, 2016, 02:21:00 PM
Thanks for the replies and being so understanding.

I had big plans for today. Number one on my list was to try and feign some sort of normality by painting the front gate. I've had the paint and brushes since before Margaret passed. I even got up and ready at 11 even though I've had little sleep.

It's now three and a quarter hours later and all I have done is have a few cries and lie on the settee. I just can't get started. If Margaret were here I would have done it all now and probably be mowing the lawn or something. Strange thing is I know I would feel better doing something rather than feeling sorry for myself but I still can't get going.

I'm also waiting for a wooden memory box to arrive from Amazon so I can start putting all my little mementoes together.

My youngest will be round with her baby for tea later. Maybe that will perk me up.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on April 10, 2016, 06:37:12 PM
Hope the baby helped.They do make a difference my grandkids gave me motive to keep going.
so you didn't paint the gate but in the big scheme of things it doesn't really matter there will be another day when you feel more like it for now I think you just go with the flow and do whatever you feel like at a given time.Grief is exhausting be kind to yourself.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 10, 2016, 10:41:09 PM
Thanks Karena.

I finally went out and started painting the gate. Some neighbours came over with flowers to cheer my daughter up and then I got talking to a neighbour who lost her husband about six years ago. By the time we finished chatting the paint on the brush had set so I left the gate half done. There will be other days for that.

My memory box turned up, it's really nice, so I put my treasured items in it and didnt cry.

My youngest came round with her bloke and the little fella and we all had tea and a bit of a chinwag, watched four in a bed on the telly like we used to.  I had a little cry and they comforted me, and we went back to 'normal' behaviour.

After they left I decided on a early night but I had a major panic attack when going upstairs and broke down. My eldest comforted me and I decided to have a bath before going to bed to relax me as I only have one sleeping pill but two nights before I next see the doctor.

Talking to the neighbour before made me realise something. Up until now I thought people lost their partners and were upset for a month or so then carried on with their lives. That's really the way it always seemed to me. The facade the bereaved present to the world. Doesn't that sound bad?

Oh how different it is from this side of the curtains.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Spaicer on April 10, 2016, 10:49:13 PM
How true, it's going to take so much time is the conclusion I've come to. You seem to have some support around you, I hope it can be some sort of comfort to you.
I hope you get some sleep  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 10, 2016, 10:58:17 PM
Thanks Spaicer.

I'm going to listen to a bit of classical music and have a read till I drop off.

I hope you have a good nights sleep as well.  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 11, 2016, 06:57:09 AM
6:50am. No sleep yet. Nauseous, numb, weak, so tired. :cry:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Cairo on April 11, 2016, 08:40:42 AM
So sorry for you. I think you should go back to your GP and see if he can give you a less powerful sleeping pill that you can take so you can have one for each night. It seems crazy not to give you enough to see you through the week if you need them.

Like you (and I suspect most people) I had no idea how much and for how long bereaved people suffer. I don't think I ever made thoughtless remarks like some of those I've seen people post here. I really hope I would never be that insensitive, but I did take people at 'face value' and if they appeared to be coping I didn't think they may be falling apart in private.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 11, 2016, 12:00:50 PM
Thanks Cairo.

I'm due to see the GP again tomorrow. I have one sleeping tablet left I will save for tonight.

I've had a horrible night. Still not been to sleep. Too weak to get up. I got up earlier to go to the bathroom and as I went in I saw something on the floor where my wife first collapsed. I recognised my daughters dressing gown and fell to the floor in absolute hysterics. I thought she had collapsed in the exact same place. She came running upstairs. It was just a pile of washing she had left there. It took me a good 20 minutes to calm down enough to walk back to bed.

I still feel sick. I've drunk about half a bottle of gaviscon to try and settle my stomach but it's not working. I probably won't get up today.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on April 11, 2016, 01:44:30 PM
please be honest with your GP maybe they can prescribe something to take the edge off day and night rather than sleeping tablets it could be them making you feel sick it could even be them making these attacks of panic worse.Also  consider some of the things others have sugested for sleeping  ,teas herbal sleep aids etc.A bath and warm milk even.
It is a long process and people do hide behind a painted smile, something i am guilty of too.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Spaicer on April 11, 2016, 01:53:09 PM
I agree, you need to be honest with your GP and then you will get the help that you need.
Take care of yourself today stay in bed and rest the best you can.
My thoughts are with you, be as kind to yourself as you can be  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Cairo on April 11, 2016, 02:52:26 PM
You are having such a tough time. My thoughts are with you. As others have said, please tell your GP exactly how you are feeling. No acting tough because you're a man ... You won't be telling him or her anything they won't have heard before and they can't help you if you don't explain how bad you're feeling.

I've managed without any drugs so far although I have herbal pills if I need them but I did use 'happy pills' during a previous period of my life when I felt I couldn't cope with everything that was happening to me. Just for a short time but the relief was enormous and helped me to face everything. Maybe you need something to take the edge off your pain for a little while, not just to help you sleep.

Please ask them also about bereavement counselling. You seemed to get some comfort from speaking to the Samaritans so perhaps it would help you to talk through everything with a professional.

No matter how bad things are, or how impossible it may seem that you'll ever escape from despair and rediscover some pleasure in living, it will happen. It may take a long, long time but as long as you keep going a day at a time, or an hour at a time if necessary, you will eventually find things easier to bear.

In the meantime remember it's okay for you to feel sad, to feel regret, fear, loss, anger or whatever you are feeling at a particular moment. Just keep talking.

Big big hugs from me xxx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Cairo on April 11, 2016, 06:49:59 PM
I didn't phrase something very well in an earlier post. Just to clarify - No-one here has made any thoughtless remarks.

What I was referring to are the comments I've seen, mainly on the BUK Facebook page, about how people who have never been bereaved make thoughtless remarks to those who are grieving. Several posters have reported being told they must be strong, that they should 'be over it', shouldn't be so miserable etc.

I've been very lucky in that only one person has said anything like that to me. It was 3 weeks after George died and I think he was just embarrassed because I started crying when I had to tell him I'd lost my husband and didn't know what to say.

Like Hubby, I had no idea until it happened to me how long and painful the journey through grief can be.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on April 11, 2016, 07:13:55 PM
 :hug:don't worry I did a double take re read it then realised what you meant I,m sure others did the same.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 11, 2016, 07:43:39 PM
Thanks for all the replies. It really helps.

I understood what you meant in the earlier post Cairo so don't worry about that.

I have now been awake for nigh on 40 hours and strangely the tiredness has passed to be relaxed by occasional clammy sweats and dizziness. I've not cried since I freaked out this morning.

I've walked the dog and the insurance money has gone into my bank and it just about covered the funeral directors bill.

I think the problem I am having is that other financial stuff has come to light since Margaret passed which has complicated the grieving process. It is probably that and the questions and problems it raises that is stopping me sleeping. There we go, I'm crying again.  :cray:

I was weaning myself off Prozac before I lost Margaret but am now back on the full dose. The counselling is probably a long way off yet as I only have my telephone assessment on Thursday.

It is four weeks tomorrow since this nightmare began. I can't see the pain easing anytime soon.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on April 11, 2016, 07:58:32 PM
Try and break things down into smaller chunks to deal with, then things that can wait can be noted down and you can tackle them when you feel able.  Maybe get a book to note it all in, by recording it for you to come back to might help ease your thoughts a little bit.  Any really urgent items perhaps a family member or trusted friend could help you?  Its hard to think straight in the early months of grief and when we are emotional everything is so much harder

I remember the early days, the pain that feels physical, deep inside your core.  It doesn't feel like it, and we wish to get rid of such intense pain, but be gentle, it will take time but slowly it will ease. We are always here to listen, whatever you need to talk about. 

You can try some breathing techniques for anxiety and panic attacks, by practising them when you are feeling ok can make it easier to engage those techniques during a panic.  One technique is called 7:11 breathing.  You breathe in to count of 7, then out for count of 11.  The idea is to lengthen the outbreath which helps to calm.  Can do whatever proportion works for you and feels comfortable,  like 3 in and 5 out.

Try and ensure you are drinking fluids regularly (even if you have to set a reminder/alarm to remember to) and try to keep alcohol to a minimum (I found that made me alot worse), and eat whatever you can to keep your strength up, regular small amounts would work well. All the emotions will be wearing you out

Sending a big hug xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: longedge on April 11, 2016, 08:09:22 PM
I think one of the most stupid thngs that anybody can say to anyone who is worried is "Don't worry".

I was very fortunate in that everything we had with the exception of a few premium bonds was jointly held and I had virtually completed all the 'paperwork' within a day or two of Chris dying. I was completely numb but strangely normal and it didn't hit me until after the funeral by which time everything was sorted.

The one thought that I keep having is that losing Chris has put everything else into perspective for me and inside I feel nothing else really matters very much any more. Of course it's OK for me to say that because I haven't got any other real problems anyway.

I'm sure things will start getting a little easier for you soon. Just an hour or two at first and then like I am now several days on the trot before dropping back into the pit again temporarily. I was talking with one of our friends the other evening and she's just gone through the 10 anniversary of her husbands death which affected her badly but she says that now it's only once or twice a year. Whatever happens we need to keep going for our families sake.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Cairo on April 11, 2016, 08:18:43 PM
I think you've done really well to get insurance money in already. Financial issues can be a nightmare and you have to try to deal with them when you are least feeling able to deal with them.

If it isn't urgent that you do something maybe you can leave it. I've found even a couple of weeks has made a difference to my ability to handle things but there's a lot I still haven't been able to face doing. If it's something that needs a reply perhaps you can let them know you are unwell so they don't pester you?

I haven't a clue what my financial situation will be in the future. I have a pension in my own right so I won't starve but I don't know if I'll get anything else yet.

My step-daughter registered the death as I was in pieces. She used the hospital bereavement services to notify lots of agencies at one go. I've had a letter saying I can telephone Veterans UK and give his service number to see if any survivor's pension is due but I can't face making that call. I'm just waiting until they write to me and trying to spend the minimum amount meanwhile, just in case things are going to be very tight.

You probably don't feel it but you are actually doing fine I think. Take whatever you need to be able to cope. It's still very early days and it will improve at some point.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 12, 2016, 07:03:43 PM
Again thanks for the replies.

Not much to report today. Slept till 6 but stayed in bed till after lunch.

It's four weeks this morning that my wife collapsed so I wasn't really feeling like doing much. I got a text from work asking how I was doing (I think it's laid down procedure after four weeks absence) so I replied and got one back saying compassionate leave ends on Friday and I will need sick notes from then if I stay off. That won't be a problem.

Went to doctors, very weak and dizzy, explained about lack of sleep and he's given me 7 sleeping pills to last to next week. Even with them I only get about 6 hours maximum. I am very anxious when I wake and the slightest noise stops me going back to sleep.

Took the dog out but nearly fell over while cleaning up after him and had to cut the walk short. My eldest did a fantastic tea and now I'm settled on the sofa. I've had a few sobs but I've had worse days.

My daughters have gone to the grave but I feel too weak to go out so I'll leave it till later in he week.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Cairo on April 12, 2016, 07:12:19 PM
It's still such early days. Just managing to get through each one is an achievement. Xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Spaicer on April 12, 2016, 09:00:44 PM
Glad to hear you got some sleep and you have pills to get you through the week if you need them.
A day at a time - baby steps
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 13, 2016, 01:39:05 PM
Got some sleep last night and got up at 11:30. Terrible ache in chest.

My daughter went to visit neighbours and I've had a good 30 minute sob while looking at photographs. That seems to have cured the ache and now I just feel a bit sad.  I reckon it takes its toll to bottle things up and a bit of a cry lets some of the pressure off.

No plans for today. Might take dog to grave or mow the lawn or something. Nothing major.

Hope you are all having better days.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 13, 2016, 11:35:29 PM
I did mow the lawn and took the dog out but only to the park.

Only two cries since my earlier sobfest. One coming home from the park and another when I saw a picture of her on the digital photo frame. Other than that not such a bad day.

Of course the day is not over yet. :undecided:

*morning update*

Spoke too soon last night. Popped my sleeping pill and cried myself to sleep. Had quite a good sleep. Woke with that heavy feeling in my chest again and had another cry. Now determined to do something positive around the house.

Hope you all have a good day.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 14, 2016, 03:17:07 PM

I was recommended by my GP for bereavement counselling on the Tuesday after Margaret passed away. Today I got the phone call which was my telephone assessment. A series of questions about my feelings over the past two weeks (NOT the full time since I lost my wife) to be answered with numbers along the lines of "is your sleep affected?"

I answered them all and then, when the questions were finished they wanted a few more details.

That's when they asked a question which tore my heart out and rammed it down my throat.

What was your wife's name?

Was? WAS? My wife's name IS Margaret.

That question has destroyed me. I can't even think it without breaking down  :cray:

Back to the counselling. Assessment over they tell me that the waiting time for the NHS bereavement counselling is 24 weeks!!! They have referred me to a charity that offers counselling with a waiting time of six weeks.

Nothing happens fast.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: longedge on April 14, 2016, 03:31:13 PM
Absolute classic case of things said causing hurt without meaning to.

I was only pondering yesterday on whether to post a thought that has been going through my head while I've been here. That was how much I like the fact that everyone refers to their lost loved ones by name. I might occasionally say my wife if it fits better but Chris is still my wife and always will be in my mind just the same way as I'm sure you feel about Margaret, your wife.

Keep reminding yourself that the person on the other end didn't mean to hurt ( how about a 'man hug icon' coz I'm not ready to kiss you yet  :heart: )

p.s. - Re length of time. The group that I went to ran for 6 weeks and everyone had lost partners some 3 months before it started. I was told that they had found that most people got more out of the help after the initial shock had started to ease. We are all different but sadly there are a lot of people in our position and I suppose that sometimes generalisations have to be made.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on April 14, 2016, 05:17:45 PM
Hubby the questions as much as anything are tick box ones, they have to fill in to get the funding,you will probably be asked them again at the end of counselling,six weeks seems like forever now but it really isnt,and the consensus seems to be that it is more effective to start that bit later.I know it feels cruel but after a while you wont hear words like "was" quite so loudly sometimes even overheard conversations hurt, i had to leave a shop once because one woman told her friend she had left hubby at home cos he is a nuisance, i know what she actually meant was -when shopping,   i might even have said the same myself once in the same joking kind of way ,but everything comes with a big dose of sensativity at the moment.
I still think of myself as married still wear my rings still say mrs, still have married status on fb i dont expect that will ever change.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Dave Administrator on April 15, 2016, 12:55:41 PM

That's when they asked a question which tore my heart out and rammed it down my throat.

What was your wife's name?

Was? WAS? My wife's name IS Margaret.

That question has destroyed me. I can't even think it without breaking down  :cray:

Maybe it could be something you should bring to their attention of how hurtful such a careless phrasing of that question can be for a newly bereaved person so raw still like you are.

 Be interesting to ask them what do they mean "was" my wife's name has it changed since her death then? or "is" it still her name?

Whoever wrote those questions I doubt has ever lost someone close to them.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 15, 2016, 09:14:29 PM
Probably won't hear from the NHS counselling service again now they have farmed me out to a charity counselling service.

Strange day today. All day I've My eldest has gone for a little break to York so I've had the house to myself since 10. Had a little sob then a good Hoover up. My youngest came round and we took the dog tithe market. While I was there I paid off the outstanding balance of the funeral bill. Came home and got sausage roll crumbs all over the carpet again.  :rolleyes:

Got a letter from home insurance and called them to change a few details. It was easier than last time I called them so that's a positive.

Then I went to the supermarket and had a couple of little cries in the aisles. I don't know what it is about walking round there but it's just full of triggers. ended up getting a salad for my tea and some clothes for our grandchild.

I have been expecting a call today from the hospitals liaison service over Margaret being left in A&E for 4 hours but they never rang. I wasn't really ready for it anyway but I've left a message for them to contact me whenever.

One of Margaret's friends sent round a nice picture of them together. It really captured Margaret's cheeky face. That set me off for a bit.

now I'm home alone. Lots of jobs to be getting on with but its so quiet in the house. Feels really unnatural and cold.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: longedge on April 15, 2016, 09:56:06 PM
Then I went to the supermarket and had a couple of little cries in the aisles. I don't know what it is about walking round there but it's just full of triggers. ended up getting a salad for my tea and some clothes for our grandchild.

It's not a good place for me either. I've ended up in tears in the aisle before now and just headed for the checkout without getting most of what I came for  :cray:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Pauline Mc on April 16, 2016, 09:19:03 AM
I think we've all done that - been somewhere and for no reason whatsoever just burst into tears.  I lost my partner Lance suddenly in 2014.  The tears are less frequent but only yesterday I ended up breaking down again.  I don't believe we ever get over it - just learn to live a different life xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on April 16, 2016, 11:18:27 AM
Maybe its not the supermarket itself but the kind of activity you did together just the everyday and ordinary that you never think about until you have to do it alone.Then there is the stuff,Keith used to buy me jelly babies and now I can't bring myself to buy them for myself or even look at them without a jolt.

An empty house is a problem my worst time used to be Friday night because I knew I probably wouldn't speak to another person until Monday.To counteract it I used to make it treat night,luxury bath candles music etc to make sure I had something to look forward too.Its OK now I have got used too it and like everyone else in a boring job look forward to the weekend but I still always have a list of things to do over the weekend but make sure at least one of them is something I want rather than have to do.
If you had timed the sausage roll eating better the dog would have hoovered up for you.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 16, 2016, 03:45:23 PM
Thanks for the replies.

I think the supermarket has to be the worst place. There are couples walking round everywhere, clothes I would have bought for Margaret, family meal deals, two dine for £10 offers, aisles of wife and mother greetings cards not to mention all the food I would have bought knowing Margaret would cook it and now I wouldn't have a clue what to do with. It seems relentless.

I've had a horrible night. I found a hair band in the bathroom which I thought was the one the hospital put in Margaret's hair when she went on the ventilator and went into a complete meltdown. After about 45 minutes I rang my daughter in York and she told me that it was her hairband she had taken out that morning. I calmed down a bit and went to bed but forgot to take the sleeping pill. After a few hours of sobbing I remembered to take it at four in the morning. I've been awake since twelve but my head is spinning and I've only just got up. I think the sleeping pill is still doing whatever it does.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on April 16, 2016, 06:01:25 PM
Sorry you had a bad night.  :hug:
Forgot about all the two for one stuff.I rarely go to a supermarket nearest one is a long way off. Have to admit its not my favourite place there no way you can avoid it, for now, shop at the market or corner shop  perhaps or send your daughter. 
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 17, 2016, 05:57:32 PM
Thanks Karena

Took my tablet early last night and got  seven hours sleep albeit in two installments. Took dog for a walk to the cemetery this morning where I had a good cry.  :cray:

This afternoon I did a bit of painting in the yard then went for another walk with the dog. My daughter is round now and we're cooking tea as best we can (Margaret would always do Sunday night tea).

With being busy and having people round today hasn't been so bad but it's not over yet.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on April 17, 2016, 06:41:05 PM
That sounds like good progress  :hug:
With the shopping you could see if your local supermarkets deliver where you are, you could do online ordering for a bit whilst it's raw/painful to go to the shop (I'm not a fan of going food shopping and do mine online with a cuppa or glass of wine! Saves me time). Or, perhaps the local shop like karena suggested, a different environment xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 18, 2016, 12:44:32 PM
Yesterday wasn't so bad until everyone left and I was alone again. Had a bit of a night of crying and generally feeling sorry for myself. I've taken the dog for a walk this morning and had a bit of a cry in the park. Now lounging and watching telly. Could go either way today I think.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 18, 2016, 08:37:08 PM
Got the call from the hospital regarding my complaint. They just took basic details and said they would get back to me. Managed to actually open a letter addressed to Margaret and slot it in the right file.

People round all afternoon. I was really tired and slightly spaced out from the sleeping pills I think.

They have just gone and I've had a major bout of sobbing.

I miss Margaret so much.  :cray:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Joann on April 18, 2016, 09:17:10 PM
 :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on April 18, 2016, 09:54:32 PM
 :hug: xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Spaicer on April 18, 2016, 11:07:27 PM
Slow small steps is the only way forward  :hug: hope you have a better day tomorrow
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: marvil296 on April 19, 2016, 09:42:31 AM
Hi I have had a terrible time the last couple of days.As I've said before I'm new to the internet.I thought I was getting a free sample of cream and to pay for post and packaging on the two samples.I got my two samples in  they were poor quality put them in the bin.Thought that was it.I've not been checking my bank account much as I had other worries to deal with after my husband died.I checked my telephone banking yesterday to discover that four separate payments had been took out my account from two companies I didn't know.I phned bank to stop any more money coming out.They took £339.00 out my account. I phoned this company up demanded .my money told them I was taking legal action and reporting them to trading standards.They said they will pay it back to me.Just have to wait and see.Bank is helping me try get it back.So I want be ordering anything of the internet again .They say if it looks like a bargain deal.,avoid it it will be a scam.Lesson learned.I have been so upset though as I don't have a lot of savings left.sorry if this isn't the right place to post this but I had to tell someone feel so stupid I didn't tell my family .kind regards marvil.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 19, 2016, 02:08:37 PM
Thanks for replies.

As if things aren't bad enough for us without scammers lurking around every corner.

I felt really calm last night. So calm I decided trying to sleep without a sleeping pill. That was a mistake. At two o clock I gave in and took the tablet but didn't go to sleep at all. I just lay there on the edge of sleep till eleven. Since then I have been staggering around the house upset like some kind of weeping zombie.

I need to sort out my sleeping and eating.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on April 19, 2016, 04:45:54 PM
 :hug:i dont think they work if your mind is overactive and the trouble is by 2am it is active getting distressed about the fact you arnt asleep and screaming at you to take the pill it craves.Try again for a gradual weanimg off rather than just not take it -can you cut it in half -coupled with a bedtime routine -bath -/hotmilky drink / herbal tea -a sleep spray on the bedding,but if they dont work, get up go to the loo read your book. I find i am much more likely to drop off doing that than i am when i,m lying there worried about the fact i,m not asleep.

Eating you will sort in the end, i think for a long time its the will to eat or bother cooking rather than the ability to do it that is lacking. You will find you can do a lot more than you think -start with simple stuff read the instructions on every packet, buy yourself a basic cookery book -maybe your daughter and you can do it together,then you can laugh together at the things that go wrong and enjoy the things that dont -none of us were born knowing how to cook. Did margaret have a favourite recipe book when my friend died her hubby was determined to perfect her hotpot which she always shared at camping meets as a tribute too her.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 19, 2016, 06:56:03 PM
Been a really bad day. I was really really upset earlier. We're talking wailing here.

I had a doctors appointment so I went and broke down in front of him. He's given me different sleeping pills for this week and signed me off workforc a month.

I am so tired now. My daughter has taken he dog for his walk. I'm just waiting for bedtime
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on April 19, 2016, 07:20:06 PM
 :hug:grief itself is exhausting the lack of sleep doesn't make it any easier.hope you have a better night tonight.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 20, 2016, 06:56:13 PM
Today I am having an antisocial day.

I actually got some sleep last night but didn't drop off till 6am. I was supposed to be going to the zoo with my youngest daughter and family at 10 but was far too tired and told them to go without me. Then I stayed in bed ignoring the phone. I'm still in bed now.

My daughter went to the zoo then came in trying to make me get up but I'm not. My eldest daughter is threatening to come home from her holiday.

I just want to be alone.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on April 20, 2016, 07:12:58 PM
 :hug:they're bound to be worried about you they just lost their mum part of grief is a sometimes irrational but very real fear of losing someone else ,so not surprising they are worried.
why not speak too them and explain that sometimes you just want to be on your own not because you don't love them or appreciate their company just that you need some space sometimes.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: longedge on April 20, 2016, 10:03:49 PM
I still don't have a regular sleep pattern and sleep where and when I feel the need and get up when I want to or in some cases when I have to. I reckon that eventually I'll settle down but I'm several months ahead of you Hubby and nowhere near OK yet. I explained to my daughters early on that sometimes, the only wat I felt at ease was at home and on my own. They accepted it.

At one of my support group meetings, I remember saying that I could tell things had improved a little because the previous week, instead of rushing back and shutting myself in the house, I had driven home the long/pretty way and stopped for an ice cream on the way  :smiley: .
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 21, 2016, 08:12:37 PM
Thanks for the replies.

Got up late again today. Very weepy. I think it's the new sleeping pills. I get to sleep eventually but seem to get a rebound effect when I wake up. I've been to the GP again and she told me to try just one of the new tablets instead of the two.

Still not eating. I've had a bowl of cornflakes all day.

Someone came round over sorting out Margaret's will. I know I could probably sort it myself but I signed up with them because I just can't be bothered. I've still got a couple of other things to sort out.

I've also taken the dog for a walk. Not feeling anything at the moment. Was going to get tea from the chippy but don't really feel hungry or like going out. Still feel weak.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 22, 2016, 09:04:30 PM
Today's update. One tablet didn't work so I took the second one. Got up around dinner time. Sorted some bank stuff out and contacted counselling service.  A friend came over from Wales so we had a walk round the market. After he left I mowed the lawn. Halfway through it I heard Margaret's voice ask if I wanted an orange juice and I turned to say yes before realising the house was empty. That's when I had my only wail of the day.

My eldest is home now from her trip to York so no empty house. Samaritans rang me again and I had 30 mins on the phone with them. Feel quite calm now.

I know I will have a cry later but not such a bad day so far.  :smiley:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 23, 2016, 07:51:06 PM
Cried last night. 2 sleeping pills. Cried more. Fell asleep at 6. 8 hours sleep. Took dog for walk. Did an hours painting then cried some more.

Now feeling really down.  :cry:

No real improvement.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: longedge on April 23, 2016, 08:25:57 PM
It's not even a month yet is it Hubby? I know it's agony!

Exactly 6 months today for me and I'm still hurting badly and will do so for the forseeable I suppose. Up to now my worst time was from a few days after the funeral for about 3 months. It was then that I started the support group meetings I've spoken about and the people who organise them told us that experience had shown them that it's not until that waypoint that most people can start to benefit. Keep going mate.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 23, 2016, 09:12:34 PM
5 weeks today since they turned Margaret's ventilator off.

I think the shock and numbness has worn off and now I have a deep feeling of sadness and emptiness. It is at its worst when things are 'normal'. I can be sat there watching telly and, without any trigger, it suddenly hits me that she's not there anymore and I break down crying.

She was everything to me. Life just seems so pointless without her.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 24, 2016, 04:49:23 PM
Don't know why but I am having a horrendous day today. I got a good sleep eventually but I spent hours sobbing after I woke up. I've only just managed to stop and drag myself downstairs.  :cray:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on April 24, 2016, 06:11:46 PM
 :hug: :hug: :hug:hope the day got better.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 24, 2016, 10:22:20 PM
Thanks Karena.

My daughter came round with her partner and my grandson and the mother in law like they used to every Sunday when Margaret was here but all the fun has gone out of the house. They left earlier than normal and my eldest has gone to bed. I feel so alone.

Everything seems so pointless.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on April 24, 2016, 10:35:28 PM
 :hug: take it one day at a time, hour by hour if needed xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 25, 2016, 12:14:03 PM
Thanks emz.

Today is much the same as yesterday. I managed to get to sleep without tablets at 4am but woke at 9. I tried to go back to sleep but couldn't. I felt scared. Eventually I decided to get up but nearly collapsed then the sobbing started.

I've tried to get through to CRUSE but all their counsellors are busy so I've left a message and hope they will get back to me.

I've loads of things to do but just can't find the motivation.

Did anyone else have a massive dip at around the six week point?
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on April 25, 2016, 06:32:46 PM
I think massive dips are common at various times..have you tried any other ways of getting to sleep did you go cold turkey on the sleeping tablets,when you were scared what were you scared of.I,m wondering if not sleeping until 4am is making you even more stressed,stressed at not sleeping maybe triggering a kind of panic attack.I had those too but usually out somewhere.5 hours sleep doesn't seem a lot but if I have six I consider it a lie in.
With the things to do try set yourself a goal to do just one tomorrow then give yourself a pat on the back,and set another for the next day.often that can seem so overwhelming  you end up doing nothing but that feeling of not getting anything done can also esculate into lack of sleep and even panic attacks without you realising it is on your mind.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 25, 2016, 10:15:01 PM
Thanks Karena

I don't know what it is I am scared of but the feeling I get is the same as I have experienced while waiting for an operation. A strange feeling of dread and being on edge. I went cold turkey on the sleeping pills but I think I will take one tonight.

I managed to go shopping today which always upsets me. I also rang the CQC regarding what I believe was an inexcusable delay in Margaret receiving treatment and managed to take the dog for a long walk.

Tomorrow I have to get some flowers for the grave as wednesday would have been our 32nd wedding anniversary. I am not looking forward to that especially as my eldest has told me that Margaret had already bought a present for me.

Just thinking about that has set me off again.  :cray:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on April 25, 2016, 10:34:32 PM
 :hug:  :hug: xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: longedge on April 25, 2016, 11:03:21 PM
Margaret had already bought a present for me. Just thinking about that has set me off again.

Christmas was an awful time for me. My eldest gave me a Bird Box camera saying that 'Mum' had told her to. I really don't know how I got through that. I know that Chris' last days were spent worrying about me and giving the girls 'last minute' instructions.
It tore me apart and still does - but I'm still here as you will be in the months to come....
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on April 25, 2016, 11:42:15 PM
My anniversary is coming up too. I think the anticipation is sometimes worse than the day especially with the firsts of everything.
There were no presents for me  it wasn't expected he wouldn't be here .Sad as it sounds I bought myself one,something I just knew he would have bought if he had seen it.Trying to ignore anniversary's and carry on as normal doesn't work for me so I plan something to mark it rather than try. That way I,m focussed on doing something positive not the negatives of why he isn't here.Treasure the gift she bought for you, even if it brings you pain because it was an act of love for you that inspired her to buy it and having had that love in your life at all is very special.I am often lonely and ache for him to come back still,l but I know that I was blessed to have had him in my life and that he loved me and I am glad of that.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 26, 2016, 08:08:41 PM
Thanks for the replies.

I've had a strange sort of day. Usual sleep after one tablet but I managed to go back to sleep after waking too early which is new. I got a few phone calls this morning one was a ring back from CRUSE a bit late from when I wanted to speak to someone but still calming. The other was from the CQC inspector telling me they had filed my complaint. I also went to the GP again and got more pills and took the dog out.

I've had a couple of little cries but not as major as the past few days. Still very weak and tired.

I've not got the flowers yet but I am planning on going to the grave tomorrow so will have to get some in the morning. That's typical of me. If Margaret were here I would be flapping at the last minute looking for an anniversary present while she would have planned everything weeks, if not months, in advance. she really was everything to me. I am lost.  :cray:

I hope all of you are having good days.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on April 26, 2016, 08:45:59 PM
Hi Hubby,

I think you will have to expect that no day will be the same, some may be ok, others not so good. It's just the cycle of grief. Sure sounds like you had a good marriage and have lost someone very special. More hugs

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Rosaleen on April 27, 2016, 11:37:12 AM
Hi hubby
 I hope your visit today goes as OK as it can be , and brings you less pain than you might have been expecting.
. I'm in a support group,  having lost my partner of 34 years, George on 1st November last year.
Myself and others there  (as Karena also says ) who've all had these 'milestones' , these  first birthdays, anniversaries,  agree that the dread, the anticipation of the day is worse than the actual day itself. .But I expect for you it may be  be harder, because  it's so close to when you lost Margaret.

talking to your loved one when you're out walking the  dog  is something I do too.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on April 27, 2016, 06:15:25 PM
Hope today was better than you were.anticipating.
Reading your post I smiled when I read the bit about you being last minute and her being organised we were the other way round,but also in time you will come to think of the little things like that and smile through the tears.To this day whenever I do something daft I look at the sky put my thumb up and smile because I know exactly what he would have called me.and the affection behind it,and that's what i meant when i said before that i am blessed to have had the time i did with him the little every day things that say I love you in such a big way.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 28, 2016, 01:23:14 AM
Thanks for the replies. They do help a lot.

I paid the price for not crying much yesterday. After midnight I realised it was our wedding anniversary and wailed myself to sleep and was wailing again practically the moment I woke up. When I had settled a bit I got up and bought a bunch of red roses and a little yellow potted rose plant and went to the grave.

The cemetery workers had topped off the grave with fresh earth and the faded flowers from the funeral had been removed so it didn't look as stark as it has on previous visits. I had a little chat with Margaret and a bit of a cry. When I got home my eldest gave me the present Margaret had bought for me and that set me off a bit but in a nice way if you know what I mean.

One of my workmates came around and I took him up on an offer to drive me into work and see some of my workmates. It wasn't as bad as I expected it to be.  I've just got back this minute  and I'm ready for sleep.

All in all the day has been a bit more of the same. Not the best but not the worst either.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on April 28, 2016, 06:16:45 PM
Hi Hubby,

That was quite a lot going on. I'm sure these firsts are difficult. Yes, crying is a necessity and I am a big believer in it. Treat yourself to something nice.  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 28, 2016, 08:56:37 PM
Cheers johmac. I'll treat myself to a cry  :wink: 

Got a few things sorted today. Had long telephone call with solicitor re: probate so the wheels are in motion on that. Also managed to clear one thing that had been causing me distress off albeit at a price. There's just one firm I am dealing with now who are trying to take advantage of my situation. I've also had a haircut (not that I had that much hair to cut)

My daughter is epileptic and had an episode earlier I coped with it pretty well considering Margaret normally took the lead. I don't know what I am going to do about her care when I go back to work though.

Billy the Jack Russell only had a short walk due to rain and sleet so no chat to Margaret but I'll catch up with that later. I've had a nice tea but I must start eating more than one meal a day. I'm just relaxing now in the bath getting ready for an early night.

I'm off for an assessment for counselling first thing tomorrow which will get me out of the house and give me a chance for a bit of retail therapy with my eldest daughter.

No tears yet but I've learned that they will inevitably come at some point.

Wishing you all the strength to get through your day.  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: pennyking on April 28, 2016, 09:28:23 PM
Sending Hugs

good luck for your counselling.

Take care

Penny x
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on April 28, 2016, 09:48:50 PM
Good luck for tomorrow.
I,m wondering if your daughter has a care plan,the epilepsy society lists it as a right but also for it to be reviewed annually it may not be due but maybe the person in charge of that,or the society itself might be able to help with some practical solutions.I know its another thing on a long list,but it might save you some worry later on to find out now if there is anything.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on April 28, 2016, 11:12:24 PM
 :hug: another day achieved and some progress on tasks.   :hearts:
Maybe you could try adding some snack size meals throughout the day along with your one meal, starting small may help you get back into a routine and not be overwhelming. Im a bit addicted to a banana with a handful of honey munchy seeds recently, very easy, no prep and tasty

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 29, 2016, 06:06:25 PM
Thank you all for the replies.

What a day.

Got hardly any sleep and took taxi to counselling place. It was all going well and they were explaining the timescales to me then she asked if I had considered taking my own life which I honestly answered yes. She then contacted my GP (I'd already talked this over with him) and the stand in doctor recommended I go to A&E to see the crisis team.

I declined as my eldest who was with me had an appointment this afternoon at her epilepsy clinic and I knew how long the wait at A&E would be. The counsellor then phoned the crisis team who went all 'code red' on me and threatened me with the police if I didn't go there and then.

The counsellor then put me in a taxi and told me to let reception at A&E know the crisis team were expecting me. After an hour and a half of waiting, during which my daughter cancelled her appointment, they saw me and let me go. The wait was very distressing as it was in the same area Margaret spoke her last words to me.

After there I took my daughter to a Chinese restaurant for lunch and we got a taxi home. I'm now knackered and my daughter has had to go for a lie down.

I could have done without all this silliness. Today was going to be positive.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on April 29, 2016, 06:30:52 PM
A challenging day, but you've made it and you managed a Chinese too.  :hug:  :hug: you're still doing well, one step at a time xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on April 29, 2016, 06:43:47 PM
Wow that's a bit Ott.the councillor must have thought you were considering it here and now and given the gp that impression,who not being your regular  also thought that.
But on the subject I,m sure I am not the only one here who also thought seriousely about it. I imagined a scenario in which we get to meet our loved ones again and I imagined what he would say to me knowing I threw away the very thing he fought for,as well as put his family through even more pain.I don't think it would have been the happy reunion we all dream about.I know sometimes it feels like the only solution but I promise it isn't.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: pennyking on April 29, 2016, 08:28:03 PM
How very distressing for you.  Glad you ended with a lovely meal tho.  Sending hugs.
Penny x
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: longedge on April 29, 2016, 08:49:35 PM
I don't think a day goes by when at some point I think I just would rather not be here (I've ongoing problems after a stroke some years ago and also a long history of back problems that affected the sciatic nerve in my left leg) but then I think about the misery, far worse than I'm going through that families suffer after a suicide and that pulls me up short. Just the thought of the devastation I would be bringing on the ones I love. I have to keep going for them.

My birthday today by the way and nobody will believe me that I just want to forget about it   :azn:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on April 29, 2016, 10:30:57 PM
That's one of the perverse things,its difficult for people to call.Many of us feel abandoned after a time but then when people want to make the effort for something like a birthday we don't want that either.Its confusing enough for us to understand ourselves but even more confusing for friends who havnt been through it at all.I was thinking that this morning with bank holiday and my wedding anniversary coming up,I,m tired of being alone to coin a phrase but at the same time I don't want to be around other people.I could go out tomorrow night but I probably won't when it comes to doing it.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 29, 2016, 11:03:52 PM
Again thanks for the replies.

I've taken the dog out for a long walk with a friend who dropped round and the Samaritans phoned me which has calmed me down a bit. I also got a letter today from some people that had been taking payment for credit checks from Margaret reimbursing the fees they have charged her for the past two years since they hadn't contacted her in that time so we're obviously not providing the service they were being paid for.

With the suicide thing I have considered it and researched methods. It may sound strange and I don't think I would go through with it but I find it calming knowing I have an exit strategy if everything gets too much. Well before that point I look for help hence calls to the Samaritans, Cruse and looking into counselling. I could have done without the threat of being sectioned just because I answered questions truthfully.

I think I understand the not wanting to celebrate things. Since losing Margaret my perception of time and the importance of events has changed. For example I'm already dreading Christmas. Being around people is also something I am not looking forward to. I would rather feel alone by myself at home than in a room full of people.

Anyhow's, another day done, another step on the journey.

Stay strong everyone.  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on April 30, 2016, 08:29:50 AM
I did a mental health first aid course last year with mental health first aid England. They cover many areas of mental distress and they also cover suicide. Their alarm bells will have gone off when realising you had thought of methods. But it's really good that you answered the questions honestly, you can get the support and help you need.   :hug:

I lost my dad, 3 years ago now, just after his 59th birthday to a brief battle with cancer. And that devastated me. We were really close, he was like a friend aswell as a dad and he would come stay with me often, we'd go on holiday together in Brixham and go out for days exploring. It has had quite an impact throughout the family, even causing a distance between us and his siblings.  I'm not the same person anymore, I have no fear of dying and although I would not make any attempts I'm not scared if something chooses to take me, I almost welcome it in a way.  I didn't feel like that before losing my dad.  I regularly hope I'd be the next to go (to avoid more painful loss) Having said that, most days are much easier now but I think of my dad daily (trying to make him proud still drives me forward for my goals), some days it makes me sad, others I smile and so glad I had him in my life

I also lost someone to suicide many years ago, it was a bit of a complex situation. My husband had been diagnosed with a serious illness and mentally he found it hard to come to terms with, he left me and we got divorced. The divorce was so painful, losing him. I trusted him 100% and my ability to trust was impacted. Shortly before the divorce was finalised he wrote to me explaining and asking me to take him back.  I was so hurt I didn't know how to deal with that. Shortly after the divorce he committed suicide. That has been hard to deal with

Losing our loved ones is so painful, the grief path is a rocky one. But please hold on in there. It will get easier to cope in time, our mindsets do change a bit over the time. I have heard it said that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  The intensity of pain will ease. I know we can't bring your beloved back, but you have your girls and they would be devastated if they lost you.  Karena has a beautiful thought, live for the both of you and when you do see her again at that natural time, you'll have lots to share

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on April 30, 2016, 08:46:48 AM
 :hug: Christmas is a long time away relatively,rather than letting it fill you with dread now remember to try living one day at a time,but nearer the time you can make a plan decide what you want to do and what you don't,by then you will have developed some coping strategys that can be brought in.I,m not saying it will be pain free of course it won't but it doesn't have to be as bad as you are dreading.BUK doesn't do Xmas breaks and you will still have us here.
I decided to drop Christmas,obviously not completely,I buy presents for grandkids and have dinner at my daughters but everything else has gone,I don't do cards I don't buy copious amounts of stuff I don't do decorations,I do have a couple of rituals adopted from pagan ones,that are mine and not shared with anyone and instead of a normal tree I have a day when the kids come over,we make lots of different bird treats then decorate a tree in the garden with them,I surprised myself with how easy that made Xmas,its someone else's celebration and I can be on the outside looking in,a casual guest rather than a participant but without appearing maudling or as though I'm feeling sorry for myself.Its stress free and not too painful because its nothing like we used to do,but doesnt upset others either.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on April 30, 2016, 10:11:04 PM
Thankyou for the replies

I've had a day of two halves today. I woke up late (2pm) but managed to get myself breakfast, get out with the dog, do two shopping trips, make a fairly decent meal for tea and clean up all without any upset. In fact it was almost like a 'normal' day.

Then I sat down to relax and the crying started. I've been crying off and on all evening. I think keeping busy is the key but in a way I welcome the crying as it gives me some sort of release.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on April 30, 2016, 10:25:04 PM
You are right crying does help,and keeping busy all the time is probably going to result in bottling everything up which is also not helpful.there has to be a balance and that's what you are doing Both activities are exhausting .  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 01, 2016, 09:36:58 PM
Thanks Karena.

Didn't go to bed till 2am. A lot of crying.  Took one sleeping pill. Slept till 6pm tonight  :huh:

Don't know what happened there. I'm still tired as well.

I've had a bacon butty (discovered you can microwave bacon) and some tea, taken dog for walk and now ready for bed again. Whole day basically a write off.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 02, 2016, 07:59:53 PM
Cried myself to sleep. Actually got up today. Didn't actually do anything but it was like a normal day ... except there was no Margaret.

A normal day with all the happiness sucked out of it. I coped, had a cry while I walked the dog and then back to the new normal. The new normal that I hate so much. No fun, no banter, no hugs just a big lonely emptiness.

Not a good day by any means.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on May 02, 2016, 08:06:56 PM
Hi Hubby,

I know, the road is a long and hard one. We all try and plod along best we can. Glad it was somewhat normal. We can never really know what normal is anymore in life. I'm having a cuppa right now :coffeetoast:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 03, 2016, 05:51:34 PM
Cheers johmac

Your right saying we can't tell what normal is but I think my time between crying is getting longer so, hopefully, I am getting somewhere.

I cried myself to sleep last night again and cried when I woke up for a short time. After that I dealt with some financial stuff which I wouldn't have been able to do a few weeks ago. I then took some of Margaret's unused stuff to the charity shop and took the dog for a walk to the grave. I cried again at the grave but nowhere near as much as I have done before.

Then I went to the doctors and did a bit of shopping while I was out.

Quite a productive day. Some sadness but bearable. I'm thinking of stopping the sleeping pills and aiming for some form of return to work in a few weeks.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on May 03, 2016, 06:45:37 PM
Its a struggle  :hug: I think you need to consult your gp about the pills they might suggest you half them or take a different one rather than try and do cold turkey again.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Spaicer on May 03, 2016, 07:45:02 PM
Glad you had a more bearable day, small steps....
Hope tomorrow is just as bearable  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 04, 2016, 10:32:38 AM
Thanks for the replies.

You were right Karena. I went back to the grave with some fresh flowers yesterday evening and I was feeling quite calm at bedtime so I didn't take the sleeping pill. I couldn't sleep at first then had broken sleep for a couple of hours. I then started to get the anxiety again ending up with sobbing and retching. I guess I'm not ready to quit the tablets just yet.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on May 04, 2016, 11:45:15 AM
 :hug: :hug:maybe theyre just the wrong ones for where you are now,and whats required is a relaxant rather than a knock out, but i,m not a doctor thats why it might be helpful to speak to one and  plan a phased switch or exit strategy, or maybe they will tell you,you just arnt ready yet but having that confirmation might also re-assure you about your readiness or not for going back to work.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 04, 2016, 05:35:43 PM
Thanks Karena.

After a bad start I did something really stupid. After making a stew for tea and feeling a bit stronger I decided to share Margaret's jewellery out between my daughters as she requested in her will. We got it all together and laid it out and then it hit me.

Nearly every item there represented a birthday, christmas, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day or anniversary. When I held her wedding ring I could remember the day like it was yesterday. I fell apart and sobbed non-stop. I was that upset my daughters decided to call off sharing it out.

After that I did calm down a bit and managed to take the dog out and do a bit of gardening but I am still really low.

I have decided they will have to share the jewellery without me present. Too many memories to handle at once   :cray:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: longedge on May 04, 2016, 05:59:46 PM
One of the things I did in the first few days after Chris died was get my daughters to sort all her things out into three piles. One for each of the girls and one to go to the hospice shop. I know that if I had left it, I wouldn't be able to do it now. There are just one or two items that turned up later and I can't face clearing them out now. We're all different but for me if I hadn't done it then it would have never been done.

Talking of too many memories, my sister-in-law asked me if I could find a photo of her son as a baby (I'm the family photographer/archivist) and I've spent this morning sorting through old photos. I had to give it a rest eventually because for the first time in weeks, I broke into tears -too many memories indeed!
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 04, 2016, 08:27:40 PM
Today has turned out to be the worst day ever.

I sent my youngest a text apologising for getting upset and suggesting they share the jewellery when I'm not there. She replied that she doesn't want any. I replied that it was Margaret's wish that they share it and she could do it in her own time. She then sent me a really nasty text saying she had set time aside to do it today an couldn't palm her child off on people all the time, it's more hassle than she can cope with, that she's tried to help and just can't do it any more.

I've relied on her to do all the things I can't cope with and now I've pushed her too far. It won't be long before I do the same to my eldest.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on May 05, 2016, 08:46:53 AM
Its such a difficult raw time for everyone  :hug: they are grieving and also will be finding it hard seeing you suffer. Give it a few days maybe and have a walk together or something, pop out together and just spend some time together.  It'll be OK  :hearts: xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on May 05, 2016, 08:45:14 PM

I dont want to sound harsh at all because I frightened my daughters too, but you must remember the girls just lost their mum theyre devastated too and probably just as upset as you over the jewellery ,.its their memorys too.
Not only that but they see the other rock in their lives ,you,crumbling and they're trying to stay strong for you.

Imagine how terrified your eldest must have been with the incident last week even though it was an error,she may need reassuring on that. You can't help crumbling of course you can't but they're in bits too,

plus your youngest has a new baby that's a time in all our lives when we really need our mums,both my daughters have said that.she can't have her mum but she needs her dad too.

You're all of you in bits and you need to help each other rebuild.Forget the nasty text she is just lashing out.
You could apologise and explain you realise they are grieving too,maybe re assure them that they are not going to lose you too,through any deliberate action you take
do as EMZ says sugest you all go for a walk and take the baby, and then the baby is a focal point a little person who needs all of you and who can unknowingly relieve any tension that arises just by being there.

Maybe you are pushing the jewellery thing too fast perhaps you could all agree that it can wait put it in a drawer and come back too it in a few months,maybe then those memory's will be shared but with smiles about the occasions they invoke and help you all to heal a bit.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: longedge on May 05, 2016, 09:12:14 PM
I dare bet that there isn't one person here who hasn't at some time felt rage welling up inside them. I've managed to vent mine at people I don't know up to now who were probably just bewildered  :whistle: . I did feel sorry after an altercation I had with a girl on the checkout at Sainsburys and made a point of going back to say sorry and explain I wasn't myself because my wife had died.

Don't let things fester, make an active effort to put things right - just my 2p's worth  :azn:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 05, 2016, 10:35:44 PM
Thank you all very much for the replies.

I had a horrendous wailing start to the day but I picked up a bit as the day went on. I have spoken to my youngest and we're on better terms now. We've decided they will share the jewellery one Sunday while I stay in another room and play with my grandson.

I've taken the dog out and mowed the lawn and I am feeling a bit more positive now. I was very surprised at how I went downhill so quickly yesterday after feeling I was getting somewhere earlier in the week. I did expect off days but that was such a giant leap backwards. I guess there will be many more of them to come.

Hope you all have good days tomorrow.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 06, 2016, 10:07:24 PM
Bit of a so so day today. Cried myself to sleep (with tablet) last night. Got up. Lots of walking with the dog. Trip to the market. Not much else really. My head was a bit of a muddle. Had my weekly call from the Samaritans which has helped me sort my head out a bit. Nothing to report really. Just another day got through.  :undecided:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on May 07, 2016, 08:49:22 PM
 :hug: but you got through it,sometimes a not much happened day is exactly what we need .
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 07, 2016, 09:49:58 PM
Thanks Karena.

I managed to eventually go asleep last night, after my usual cry, without a sleeping pill. My eldest woke me at 8:30 with the news that my grandson had been in hospital all night with a rash and a temperature which caused me to instantly think the worst and have a major meltdown. Eventually I got the news that he was OK and even managed to get back to sleep.

I got up after lunch but it was too hot to do any jobs I had planned. So hot that the dog gave up on his usual walk halfway. I went to the shop then sat watching telly and had another little cry because the house was so quiet. After that I was OK.

Another day got through.  :undecided:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on May 07, 2016, 10:04:31 PM
Some progress with sleeping though  :hearts:  all little steps xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 08, 2016, 01:32:56 PM
Thanks Emz

Managed to sleep without a tablet again last night but I have noticed I wake up scared if I don't take them. My heart is racing and I am really on edge. I do eventually calm down but it's not good. 
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on May 08, 2016, 02:35:30 PM
It could be the dreams you are having maybe, that should ease as you get used to sleeping without tablets.  Maybe plan something relaxing for when you wake up to calm yourself? See how it goes xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on May 08, 2016, 07:36:16 PM
 :hug:glad your grandson was OK.I think emz is right sometimes we may not even be aware we were dreaming,Is there a chance it could be not taking the tablet a withdrawal side affect .I find if I wake up scared the light goes on and so does the TV with something benile,I have become a dab hand at switching it off just as I,m dropping off again.Different for you because you have to consider your daughter,but I use the TV as background noise so the house isn't so empty,so it has the same effect when I,m scared in the night.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 08, 2016, 08:55:27 PM
Thanks for the replies.

It's in the mornings I wake up scared, not actually scared but the feelings are the same. It was like that this morning and I also got very upset when I eventually got up.

Thinking about it today was tha sort of day Margaret would have loved. She would have been out in the sun till she burnt then back inside like a lobster knocking up a big tea for all the family. I missed her so much I wound myself up but then managed to arrange for myself, two daughters, godson, mother-in-law and dog to go to the grave. We sat there for ages talking and it was very calming. Then we all came home and I ordered pizzas for tea. They have just gone and I am really relaxed. It really is better to do something rather than sit alone because then my head fills with all sorts of stuff.

I'm going to wash up, watch s bit of telly and have an early night, with a tablet tonight, and hopefully I can get up early tomorrow and get something done.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on May 08, 2016, 10:07:50 PM
I think it does help to try and have a routine, do things and spend time with others  :hearts:  hope you have a restful sleep.  You may find your dreams (whether remembered or not) might be a bit more peaceful since you had time together with others today xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 10, 2016, 06:36:35 PM
Thank you Emz.

I forgot to post yesterday so I'm playing catch up now.

I slept with a pill Sunday night. Got up handy and managed to keep myself busy painting and gardening all day. It was pretty bearable and I rounded the day off with a relaxing bath and my daily cry before an early night.

I didn't take a pill and didn't go to sleep till 5 am. I woke at 7:30 and spent four hours trying to get back to sleep before giving up. I got up to a load of legal stuff in the post which was annoying. I've read through it and have had to contact the land registry to clear some things up. I went to the doctors who recommends I have another month off work and I've also been shopping but I've had a pretty low day so far. The only high point was my grandson coming round. His smile would make anything bearable.

I've got a lot of stuff to read and sign tonight and I think I'll take a sleeping pill but will decide at bedtime.

Hope your all having good days.  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on May 10, 2016, 07:51:40 PM
Young children can be so good at these times.  My little nephew is a little entertainer in the making and we couldnt help but laugh with him at times, he also gave us focus through the confusion/sadness  :hearts:  in some photos he looks like my dad, so the family resemblance is definitely there, and in a way i find it a comfort, when seeing him with a cheeky grin i can see a spark of my dads nature in him

I also find some comfort that through the impact/influence he had on our lives he lives on in us in a way, and we will continue to pass on his teachings and knowledge too xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 11, 2016, 08:03:34 PM
Thanks Emz. The little fella is a break from the heartache.  :smiley:

I had my pill last night as a consequence of which I slept till 2 this afternoon. I was a bit weepy but managed to get take the dog out for his walk. That's about all I have done today. I've got to go out later to post a letter but it's another wasted day. I just don't have the motivation to do anything and lots of jobs I have started have been abandoned half way through.

Still it's another day done.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on May 11, 2016, 09:30:40 PM
I remember karena making a great comment on the other board, how when an animal is injured they take themselves off to a safe place, a cave perhaps, to recuperate/heal.  Some stages in grief is a bit like that.  Being social creatures we need to maintain connections (seeing family, talking, connecting with others etc) but we also need to slow down a bit, allow our injured minds/bodies time and space, just for a while. 

The day may have felt unproductive but remember the things you are still achieving, even though they may seem small.  Getting up, facing the day, walking the dog, preparing/eating food - these are all achievements.  And I would hazard a guess that some of these little things have grown in volume slowly over time - the dog walk may have become slightly easier etc.  All small steps to coping better, no matter how small the step forward, it's a step forward.  Its easy for us to think we havent made any progress, but I think writing things helps us as it captures the moment and I know I've read threads where people have re-read their earlier posts and realise there has been a step forward, however small it may be

Just focus on noticing small progress, whenever the motivation or stamina does strike then do some more but don't berate yourself for not moving too quickly.  All little steps  :hug: xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 12, 2016, 06:51:00 PM
Thanks Emz. I think I am making progress albeit slowly.

I got about five hours sleep last night without a tablet. I was a bit upset when I woke up but I got up rather than trying to get back to sleep. I managed a long phone call to a solicitor and went through some quite complicated stuff which I wouldn't have been able to do a few days ago. I then ran the lawnmower over the lawn to keep down the dandelions which seem to pop up overnight.

I then spent he afternoon playing with my grandson before a trip to the supermarket stopping off at Margaret's grave on the way back. I then puts chicken in the oven and took the dog out. All without breaking into tears once.

I know I'll have a little cry later when I am in bed but I feel I've actually functioned a bit today.

I know how fast things can turn around but so far it's actually been quite a good day.

I hope everyone else is having a similar one.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on May 12, 2016, 09:30:04 PM
 :hug: it is true about the animals it was specifically research about Elephants grieving,but applies with other animals too.The phrase of returning to the lair to lick your wounds comes from this behaviour.
In the case of elephants a weaned orphan is guarded from a distance by the herd they give it space but let it know they are around and it after a while it will begin to do what it needs to do to survive,moving out to feed and returning too its hideout . Gradually spending more time with the herd standing on the outside but not playing for even longer.In a stable place like a reserve where there is no need to follow the rains the herd will continue to wait patiently.The baby gradually becomes part of the herd again maybe adopted by the matriarch or an auntie.Elephants don't dig graves but they will cover a body with branches and even with a mobile herd they will return to those places and stand for a while in the exact spot long after the body has gone.In the case of the orphan and a less mobile herd the orphan might stop off daily and the rest stand in a semicircle behind him and wait respectfully for him to decide when to move away again.My point with all this is that humans in our rushed lifestyles and impatience pile on pressure to not allow what is natural behaviour and that applies whether we are the Griever or a herd member.
You are starting to come out to feed and do what is necessarybut its perfectly OK to go back into the lair when you need too as well.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 13, 2016, 08:17:42 PM
Thanks Karena.

That all makes perfect sense. I do sometimes feel I need to crawl off somewhere to 'lick my wounds'.

Today I managed a bit of gardening and some cooking, took a trip to the market with my daughters and the dog during which we had a bit of a meal at a bistro. The day was OK until I was walking the dog along the local high street and I got the sudden feeling that Margaret was walking beside me. I don't know what triggered it but I walked the rest of the way home in floods of tears.

I'm OK now though and I'll probably make it to bedtime before I get upset again. Then again you never know.

Hope you all had a good day.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 14, 2016, 12:16:18 PM
Bad night last night.

After my call from the Samaritans I felt OK and quite positive so I stayed up and watched the bond film then went to bed with no tablet. I cried a lot and thought I may as well get it out of my system so started looking through pictures on my phone. The had the desired effect of making me sob so loudly I woke my daughter.

After sending her back to bed I cried a bit longer then tried to sleep. Just as I was nodding off I started to relive the events prior to her death in such vivid detail it was as if it was happening all over again but I just could not stop. This got me panicking and it was 6:30 am before I fell asleep. I woke at 11 feeling really scared.

I've calmed down now and I am hoping it was a temporary dip and the rest of my day goes as the previous few have.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 14, 2016, 10:57:04 PM
Today was alright once I got myself together.

I went to the grave with Billy for a walk and came back to do a bit of painting in the yard. Fish and chips for tea and my eldest went out to see Jason Donovan (she would have gone with Margaret but took a friend instead).

My youngest came round with her bloke and the grandson and we watched Eurovision. Just watching the voting now and then to bed.

The only tears were at the grave but there's still the nighttime session to come.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on May 15, 2016, 08:22:26 AM
 :hearts: xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Rosaleen on May 15, 2016, 09:12:20 AM
Hubby,  you said you had a sudden feeling that Margaret was walking  beside you.
When I'm dog walking and  (usually) feeling extra low  I deliberately call up the image of George walking beside me, his arm around my shoulder. Yes  this makes me cry but he comforts me So I feel less low. I talk about  how I miss him , and in my mind he answers me. Again comforting me and telling me not to cry. I know he doesn't want me to cry for him. So I try not to. Don't often succeed but will have to try harder.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 15, 2016, 06:00:22 PM
Thanks for the replies.

I do talk to Margaret when I'm out walking the dog or at the grave, even around the house sometimes but there was something about Fridays feeling that caught me unawares.

I got to sleep without a tablet and without crying last night which is a first. I even felt OK when I woke up but not for long. Looking for something in the front room I came across a valentines card which knocked me a bit. I soon picked up and I've kept myself busy doing little odd jobs all day. Still loads to do to keep my mind occupied.

Oh. I've just realised. I haven't eaten anything all day.  :huh:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on May 15, 2016, 07:15:44 PM
All little steps forward  :hearts: 
Make sure you have some dinner, even if something small. Will help you sleep better xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 15, 2016, 11:33:54 PM
Thanks Emz.

I did eventually get some food than had a bath and watched the queens birthday celebrations.

Now to bed and, hopefully, some sleep without a tablet.  :smiley:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 16, 2016, 10:20:24 PM
Again I managed sleep without a tablet. That's three days in a row.  :smiley:

Most of today was wasted waiting for people to turn up to value the houses for probate. I had a few jobs to do but didn't want to start them till the estate agents turned up. Eventually they came at 3 O'clock. By the time they had gone I only had time left to go and do a bit of shopping and walk the dog.

My eldest had a bad fit at lunchtime and hasn't been able to do anything all day. I don't know how I am going to be able to care for her when I go back to work. I'll be working nights and asleep during the day so I'll only have a few hours with her.

I've not been too upset today. A couple of short cries. I'm not coping by any means but things are a lot more bearable. I hope I am not tempting fate by saying that.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 17, 2016, 06:40:55 PM
Another sleep without a tablet. That's four days now. I even had a pretty good morning, took my daughters for lunch at a local bistro and went to see the doctor this afternoon (he signed me off work for another fortnight).

Then a slump. I was perfectly OK one minute and even having happy memories of Margaret and I broke down crying. I can't even look at a picture of her now without starting again. I think the happy thoughts I was having made me realise how much I am missing her and will miss her in future.

I've had a few bearable days and I was sort of expecting this but it's still lousy.  :cray:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on May 17, 2016, 08:11:24 PM
Hi Hubby,
I'm reading your posts and I think it's great that you can give these details. It will help others who are going through it. Sometimes we forget that grieving is a daily job and you give great insight to it all. I hope your better days far outweigh the bad ones.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on May 17, 2016, 09:41:36 PM
 :hearts: xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 18, 2016, 07:14:40 PM
Thanks for the replies

After a lot of crying yesterday I managed to sleep without a tablet again albeit in fits and starts. I was a bit miserable this morning but since then I've done a bit of cooking, a bit of shopping and walked the dog with no upsets. Nothing major, just plodding along.

I've bought a few pots and compost to plant up for the front of the house but, my head being muddled like it is, I forgot to get plants.  :undecided:

Aah well there's always tomorrow.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 20, 2016, 04:01:18 AM
Today's (well yesterday's technically) update.

Another sleep without a tablet. That's six days now and I think I have managed to get out of the habit of using them now so that's a positive thing.

Bit of a miserable day weather wise so I was a bit stuck for things to do. Fortunately two of my bosses called down and we went out fora coffee to discuss a return to work strategy. I'm signed off for another fortnight but they seem amenable to a phased return after that to suit me whether that be to work days for a while or even just the odd day to start off. I am really lucky that my employers are so understanding.

I came home and did the tea then cleaned up the got really upset for no apparent reason. I've come to expect that and, in a way, I'm pleased when it happens because I can have my cry and get it out if my system till the next time. While I was as still upset I took the dog out and had a good talk to Margaret while I was walking through the park. As nobody can see your tears in the rain I made the best of it. I felt better when I got back in.

Then tonight one of my workmates took me to the depot where I met up with quite a few of the other staff and sat in on a briefing. We then went for a coffee at macdonalds and he dropped me off at home hence the late hour.

Time for sleep.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on May 20, 2016, 08:32:25 PM
Hi Hubby,

Good for you. I'm glad you have understanding employers it can make a huge difference to keep pressure off. It will be a rocky road but you sound like you're on your way. Sending hugs to you. This is the weekend the BUK meets somewhere, I am a little jealous but I am so far away from them here in Canada. I hope they have a great time. Our chat mates will be reduced this weekend.  Take care of yourself Hubby.  sending a hug.  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 20, 2016, 08:55:49 PM
Cheers johmac.

I would have liked to have popped to the BUK meet up for a few hours (I get free train travel) but couldn't arrange someone to be with my daughter early enough.

I've had another mixed day. I lost a bit of sleep with being late back last night and was still tired when I got up. I had breakfast then a trip out to the local market to get some plants for the containers I bought earlier in the week. I then watched a bit of telly and went back to the market with my youngest and my grandson, Oliver, and bought more plants. The dog went along as well. Then I returned home and both my daughters and myself played with Oliver all afternoon.

I had to go to a local Dunelm to try and get some curtain fixings for my aunt. They didn't have them and I got a bit upset walking round looking because they had lots of things Margaret would have liked if she were still here.

Being a little upset and not feeling like cooking I rang my eldest daughter to ask what she would like for tea from the chippy. I went there on the way back and ordered our tea. As I waited the chinesexgirl behind the counter must have recognised me (I used to stand outside the shop with the dog when Margaret went in) and started talking to me. She asked how my wife was. I was totally unprepared for it but managed to hold my self together while I told her what had happened I got the food and set off home.

It must have been delayed shock or something because as soon as I got in I broke down in tears, one of those 'suddenly hits you' moments. I got it together enough to have tea and the fell asleep on the settee. I woke up about 30 minutes ago still very upset and tired and I've decided to come to bed. I've told my daughter to ask the Samaritans when they ring tonight if they could ring me back tomorrow. I'm so tired.

Hope the BUK meet goes well for those who make it and that everyone has a nice day tomorrow whether there or not.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on May 20, 2016, 09:00:19 PM
Hi Hubby,

I'm on the chat just now and got your reply through my email.  I think it hits hard when someone asks us and we aren't prepared.  I have heard many stories of people out shopping and literally leaving their basket because something triggered and they had to leave. It's all just part of it. Our emotions are so much in control of us that we feel helpless. 

Bye for now,
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: mike59 on May 21, 2016, 11:52:50 AM
I Agree totally we are all very temperamental, I know I am someone has to say the slightest thing and Im in Tears the worse thing at the moment, is when someone is Kind to me or show there Affection Instantly Im Tearful or theres a Flood of Tears, the worst Part of all this Is the Loanlieness & Missing our Loved ones. I really hate Coming Home to A Empty House and sometimes when you just sit Alone and you Miss them so much  sorry for Rant.....hope you All Have A Good Weekend

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 21, 2016, 11:05:17 PM
Cheers John and Mike. Hope you both had a good day.

I woke up at about half eight still sobbing. I decided to have an antisocial day and went back to sleep and woke up at 3pm. Guess I don't need those sleeping pills anymore.

All I've done is walk the dog. My daughter and grandkid came round which cheered me up and later the Samaritans rang as they couldn't get through to me last night. I'm just watching a bit of telly now and then to bed. Bit of a wasted day but I've had a few of them over the past 9 weeks.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 22, 2016, 09:18:59 PM
Nothing really to report today. Another day of getting up late, moping around and basically doing nothing.

Walked the dog is about it.

I seem to be missing Margaret more than ever.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on May 22, 2016, 09:27:53 PM
 :hug:  :hug: xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: mike59 on May 22, 2016, 11:35:42 PM
Found a memory card Today Brought everything back to me not the best day of my Life had Son Home with me all day today But Cried most of the day just couldnt Stop, Missing Gail so much my other 2 Children keep telling me Im doing fine,Having more bad days than good at the moment, Hope you all have better days that me. xx

                                                                                                                                      :hug:  :hearts:  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on May 23, 2016, 07:40:44 AM
It is such a rollercoaster, just when you think it may have become steadier, or gently slowly improving, it twists and sends us back down.  But that's normal, it can feel one step forward and two steps back, but you are very slowly getting there.  But in time, it will get steadier, gradually. Try to be kind to yourself.  With great love there comes great loss but that love is still there and one day that will help carry you through your days xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 23, 2016, 09:49:53 PM
Thanks for the replies.

How much easier would this be if it wasn't so unpredictable. I know I must be improving because I'm eating better now and don't need the sleeping pills but the longing and crying seems to be getting worse.

Last night I found my digital camera with pictures on it I had forgotten about which was upsetting. I went through them all hoping I could find a video of Margaret but there werent any. I cried myself to sleep last night and actually woke up crying this morning which is a new thing. Normally I have a few minutes before I cry. After lunch I picked up a bit and went for a walk with the dog to the cemetery. I got a little rose plant in a pot to put on the grave. I had a little cry but didn't feel as low as I have over the weekend.

I came home and did a little bit of gardening, my daughter popped in with my grandson and I played with him then cooked tea. Not too bad now but I'm actually a bit scared of feeling better in case the next low is worse than this one. Does that even make sense?  :undecided:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Spaicer on May 23, 2016, 10:08:42 PM
I know what you mean, its so unpredictable, I feel so low I can bearly bring myself to talk to anyone.  I had to go back to work full time 3 days after Terry's funeral which was 4 months ago now, it doesn't help that I don't enjoy my job.  I was coping ok I thought but now crying a lot again (when I can, I can't cry in front of my autistic son because it frightens him).  We are going to bury Terry's ashes this weekend on a small island where the children were all born & brought up & where we spent 23 years of our marriage, I suppose that's whats behind this backward step.  My autistic son is also asking about 30 times a day why can't dad come back because he misses him, its exhausting trying to keep calm & not get upset.  Fed up of being strong.
I know we have to keep going, theres no alternative but its so rubbish.
Hope you have a better day tomorrow
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: mike59 on May 23, 2016, 10:12:03 PM
Hello Hubby I know Just How you Feel,Im still having Problems with tears almost all day again Since Loosing Gail I seem to feel worse and things get me Right down just Lately. Gail had a way of Putting things Safe but Can I find them NOthere are many things I need to find to Remind me of Her which up till now I cannot find anything Very Upsettting, I have a Camera which gail has Hidden that im Desperate to find have been looking for days now without any luck. starting to find it hard to eat properly again, maybe im ready to go see my Doctor again, take care try keep your chin up ....

                                                                                                           thinking of you .... :hearts:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 24, 2016, 08:04:09 PM
Thanks for the replies. I hope you both have at least some bearable time to recover a bit from the grief.

I've actually not had too bad a day. Got up early, took my daughters and one of their friends for breakfast, did a bit of shopping, bit of gardening, long walk with the dog, more gardening and cooked tea all without a tear in sight. Hopefully this break between waves of grief will last a few days but I know another will come and knock me for six again sometime. It's just waiting for something to trigger it off.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on May 24, 2016, 09:36:31 PM
Great to have some gentler days between  :hug:   xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 26, 2016, 12:06:46 AM
Thanks Emz. I need days like I had yesterday to compose myself for the next wave.

Today hasn't been quite so positive. I had grand plans yesterday for a big through the house clean up as I've let things go a bit but I got very upset looking at pictures on my phone in bed last night and didn't fall asleep till late. I woke up this morning and just couldn't be bothered. Instead I've chilled out watching telly most of the day. I did do a little shop, throw some stuff out of the freezer that I don't know how to cook and take the dog out and also cooked tea but that's only about two hours total of productive time in the whole day.

I did also have a good cry in the afternoon but I need one every now and then to let the emotions out.

Not nearly as bad a day as over the weekend but not the best of days either.

I wonder what kind of day I'll get tomorrow?  :huh:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 26, 2016, 04:42:14 PM
Strange day so far. Woke up feeling fine, got upset while I was getting washed, then felt fine, then got upset, then felt fine, then got upset. See the pattern emerging? The slightest thing sets me off then it subsides as quickly as it came on. Not so much a roller coaster as a ride along a potholed road.

Anyone else had days like that?
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Spaicer on May 26, 2016, 10:10:53 PM
Yes happens to me every day, I can cry for 30 seconds or a minute or two then be fine again, I've never been a crier, can't remember last time I cried before Terry being ill, so all very strange for me.

I think the tears are good though definitely better than holding them in.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 27, 2016, 12:31:25 AM
Thanks for the reply Spaicer.

This up and down day is a new one on me. I'm used to having bad days and good days, even half days , and my night time cry has become something I take for granted but flitting between bad and OK, sometimes with only a few minutes of one or the other, is scary and draining.

In between bouts of upset I managed to clean up in one room, get a shopping trip done and take the dog out but I could have done a lot more.

I got my weekly call from the Samaritans tonight and I was up and down through that as well.

I wonder what surprises tomorrow will hold?  :sad:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: mike59 on May 27, 2016, 07:56:37 AM
Hello Hubby,I Like you have good and Bad days also by the minute Tears Roll down my Face Like  waterfall and its uncontrolable. Last year Gail Puurchased Quite a lot of Marks and Spencer Vouchers I have no Idea Why Gail was a Great one for putting things in a safe place,I had known that the vouchers run out in June but not what date, in my Mind I was panicking to find them before they ran out of Date.Lucky last monday I found them yesterday I Decided to go and Spend them and Buy somthing gail would have liked,Arrived at marks Feeling OK but after 5 minutes I started to get really Upset, the staff were amazing A Lovely Lady kept with me and helped me shop made me a Coffee and insisted I drank it,Again like you one day my house Looks like a Junkyard I havent Dusted only once since febuary my Daughter does that for me but I really feel as if I should do it,Im Disabled and do have many Health issues but I like to try to do what I can, my children all mean well but it frustrates me not being able to do lots of things this adds to my problems I have coping with gails Passing, I have another Problem which I am Dreding I live with my Oldest son he is Off to America Next Wednesday for 3 weeks my other 2 adult children are going to support me by taking in turns Feeding me and keeping me Company some of the Time, I just am scared for my son its a long story but hes meeting his internet friend ( female) I just dont want him to get hurt, sorry for the Rant ..Hoping you all have better Days xx

'                                                                                                                                    :hearts:

                                                                                     Best wishes    :hearts:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on May 27, 2016, 05:55:06 PM
My goodness, sometimes I read the posts and it's like I wrote them myself. The up and down one minute to the next has me right now. It may sound daft but the recent loss of my 15 year old cat has just blended the other losses together and it comes back again in waves. It is very comforting that we know that this IS the human condition and we all travel the same path.  Sometimes I can't make head nor tail of what will happen in the next few seconds.  That is what makes this forum so important, we don't know the difference it makes in someone's day to know we are all feeling the panic, the roller coaster of emotions and the sadness. Sending hugs to everyone who needs one   :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on May 27, 2016, 07:56:53 PM
It is comforting to know you're not alone, or losing your mind isnt it.  When I lost my dad a colleague lost his dad about 3 weeks later, and in general chat we often found we were going through similar phases, like waking at around 1 or 2 and sat awake,  bleary eyed until around 4.  Just knowing in a way that this was 'normal' was so reassuring and just a little less lonely/scary

Sending hugs to you all xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 28, 2016, 01:39:50 AM
Thanks for all the replies. It's comforting to know that this isn't some strange grieving tangent I've gone off on by myself.

Pretty much the same today. I managed to get some plants from the market and had a few reasonable hours planting them while my daughter went to a hospital appointment with my mother in law. I would have gone but it was in the neurological hospital where Margaret died and memories are too raw at this stage to think of going there.

My daughter has gone to stay with her boyfriend for a few days and my youngest can't come in because her blokes had an operation today and needs looking after so I'm alone in the house. It's nice to have a bit of alone time. I treated myself to a big chippy tea and decided to have a shandy with it. That led to finishing off a six pack of John Smiths and a few Southern Comforts and falling asleep in front of the telly. I've just woken up.

I've had quite a few cries earlier but, like yesterday, alternating with feeling OK. That is tiring and might be why I fell asleep (along with the drink).

Big plans for tomorrow. I have a list of jobs to do as long as my arm. I probably won't do them but you have to be optimistic don't you.

Hope you all have a good weekend.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on May 28, 2016, 02:10:52 PM
Hey Hubby,

Sometimes it's a good idea to 'let go' once in a while. Yes, grieving is different for us all but the same so there are no rules or timetable. Just have to let it be what it wants to be even though unpleasant and inconvenient at times.

Have a good day,  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 28, 2016, 10:09:36 PM
Cheers Johmac.

I certainly let go last night. Had a good old cry in bed and I think it did me the world of good. Even though the house is empty I managed to get up pretty early. Fed the cat that lives in our yard and my dog and did myself a decent breakfast. Managed two of the jobs on my to do list then my daughter brought my grandson round so I dumped the tools and had a funafternoon with him. The dogs had two walks and I've done my tea and all the washing up.

My mother in law came round tonight so we've had a chinwag and watched some telly and, now she's gone, I'm going to have a bath and an early night.

All this and I've only had two short sobs all day.

I've also decided to stop taking the antidepressants (Prozac). My reasoning is that they are really to fettle your brain when you have depression due to a chemical imbalance. I don't have depression. I'm sad because I am grieving which is a pretty good reason to be sad. Even if the tablets do suppress the sadness it's only delaying it coming out.

Anyhows, that's me for the night. Hope you are all having good days.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 30, 2016, 12:09:40 AM
Similar day today. Not too bad. I've had a few little cries (sobs) but managed to do a few jobs, play with my grandson and take the dog for a walk.

Everyone went home at 7 and I have been alone in the house since then. It's very quiet and lonely. I don't like it. My eldest is coming home tomorrow so I only have to put up with it tonight.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on May 30, 2016, 06:07:11 PM
Hi Hubby,

I think you are doing really well considering. I think anti depressants are a personal decision. I am taking them now but I got through 3 months of grieving and was glad that I had. I did not want the a-d's to mask any grief but what you and I do is not necessarily for everyone and I completely respect that. I also think my a-d's are part of a 'time of life' thing. I was let go of my job and turned 60 right after so you quickly come to the conclusion that even though you have terrific  skills, experience and wisdom, that is not what the working world wants anymore.

I hope you have a great week.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 30, 2016, 10:41:02 PM
Cheers johmac

I've been on Prozac for years following a time when my job was on the line and house subsiding. At that time I had nowhere to escape worry and bought that was as bad as it gets. After the new occupational health people in work slapped all kinds of ridiculous restrictions on me I was in the process of weaning myself off them when I lost Margaret and plunged into grief. The doctor wanted to double my original dose but I went back to just the original dose. Now I've decided to stop them. I might have to talk to my doctor at my appointment tomorrow as apparently stopping them suddenly can have serious side effects.

Today was pretty good again. Bit of a cry (wail) last night and a sob in the empty house this morning then off to a 'family fun day' at a local garden centre with my youngest and her family. We then had a carvery dinner. When I got home my eldest was back so the house isn't empty anymore. I've just had one little cry this evening but the day has been quite bearable in the main with a few bouts of 'normal'.

I have the rest of the week off and my next big step is the phased return to work starting next week if I don't have a big setback beforehand.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on May 30, 2016, 10:46:01 PM
Hi Hubby,

I just got the notice that you had posted so I wanted to reply.  I am no expert on a-d's as this is the first time I've ever been on them but I have done a lot of research and the one thing I have found out (not sure if it applies to Prozac) is that coming off is best if you are weaned off them.

You do what you think is right for you but since you have a dr appt, would it be an idea to first speak with him. Also, is this the right time if you are going back to work? You may need all the support you can get and when you feel better emotionally (work and home) then wean off. Don't put more  on yourself than you need to. You have been through a very rough time.   :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on May 30, 2016, 10:47:15 PM
Good idea to have a chat with your Dr about the best way to come off the tablets, I came off mine too suddenly initially and felt ill, was fuzzy headed and dizzy (so much so I had to take a couple of days off work), so went back on them then after a couple of weeks reduced them slowly and the side effects were bearable then for a week or so.

 :hug: xx

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on May 31, 2016, 10:26:19 PM
Cheers for the replies.

Another fairly decent day with just a few sobs dotted around. I went out for breakfast, did a bit of shopping and spent the entire afternoon up a ladder painting. Chippy tea and walked the dog. Quite productive really.

I did speak to my doctor about coming off the Prozac and it's a good job I did. Apparently if I just quit like I have there will probably be a massive rebound effect that could knock me back to square one. The doctor would like me to keep taking them for at least a few months before weaning myself off them. He has given me a note for s phased return to work which means I'll probably be on days shuffling paper in the office for a few weeks.

On another tangent I am getting a bit worried about not hearing anything from the solicitors handling probate or about my hospital complaint. I expect letters every morning but never get any. I'm beginning to think the dog is eating them before I get up.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on June 01, 2016, 12:41:05 AM
Hi Hubby,

I'm so glad you saw the dr. and will get good advice. Nice that you had a productive day. Sometimes that makes us feel a bit better. Yes, dogs can grab at things. My dog Jakers has a habit of teasing me with something usually a slipper and sometimes a piece of paper that I may have written on. He's so harmless and has a look on his face 'come and get me' then he's off. Also if I'm in the bathtub, he loves to come to the door with something naughty in his mouth and then takes off. Very clever and sweet dog.   

Hope you have a good day tomorrow. 
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 02, 2016, 12:08:05 AM
Thanks jakers.

Not such a good day today. Woke to find an email from work to update next of kin details on their database. It was a general thing and in no way aimed at me but that doesn't stop it hurting. Had a good cry at that

Had breakfast and visited some of Margarets friends then did a tiny bit of painting, went to Costco with a workmate and then went to the local supermarket. Then got really down and even forgot yo walk the dog.

I've been miserable all evening and cried my eyes out after my daughter went to bed. Started having really negative thoughts again. Looks like I've caught my next wave.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on June 02, 2016, 12:23:58 AM
Hi Hubby,

I was working on my computer when I saw your message. I'm afraid this is how grief works it will be ups and downs for a while. You must remind yourself that you are still in early days. Yes, these waves will come and go for some time. Just try and roll with it and remember you have this forum to come to when you need a little extra support. Grief is truly like nothing else I have found but you are doing fine so just keep plodding along best you can. 

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on June 02, 2016, 07:23:18 AM
Sending a hug  :hug:  remember to be gentle with yourself xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: zebedee on June 02, 2016, 09:06:16 AM

Im so so terribly sorry to hear of your loss.
I too have made a hospital complaint and it's taking them time too, I guess they have to look into absolutely everything. I wasnt quite sure if it was the right thing to do or not...drudging it all up and for what??... but its the last word I could have for my dad, I owed it to him. I hope you get some answers soon.
much love x x x
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 02, 2016, 07:03:37 PM
Thanks all. Its nice to know I'm not alone in this.

I am on a bit of a downer today. Got up really late and couldn't be bothered doing anything. I managed to feed myself and walk the dog but that's about it. Had a few cries but only lasting 5 minutes or so then back to being quietly miserable.

Got a letter from the church inviting me to a memorial service for Margaret next weekend. I think it's just some generic thing for everyone who's had a funeral in the past few months and I must be close to the worlds most dedicated atheist but I might pop along.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I've got a lot of things that need doing.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on June 02, 2016, 10:38:01 PM
Hi hubby.its those little things that knock us back we just arnt prepared for them and changing next of kin details is probably something we don't even think about until someone asks.
I don't think it matters if you are an atheist the service will be about respect and memory's of margaret and that is the important thing.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: phoenixrising on June 02, 2016, 11:45:25 PM
Hi Hubby

Just wanted to say be easy on yourself and send a  :hug:

Hope tomorrow is better than today for you.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 04, 2016, 12:16:56 PM
Thanks for the replies.

Pretty bad day yesterday. Still don't really feel up to writing about it yet. Might do later.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on June 04, 2016, 07:44:11 PM
 :hug:sorry you had a bad day.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 04, 2016, 09:22:01 PM
Thanks Karena.

First yesterday. It started off not too bad. I got up, made breakfast for my eldest and her boyfriend who were over. Went to the market with billy the Jack Russell. My daughter and her boyfriend went for a day out and my youngest came around with her boyfriend and my grandson. She was excited and told me that her boyfriend had proposed and she had accepted. She was showing off the ring and smiling and I should have been delighted, well I was delighted deep down, but it wouldn't come out. All I could think about was how made up Margaret would have been and how she would have set about arranging a celebration meal and probably a big engagement bash. It was all I could manage to squeeze out a "congratulations". I took them out for breakfast and after that they set off on a shopping trip.

I had a bit of a cry, mowed the lawn, and my eldest returned. She had bought presents and a card, something I should have done but it didn't even enter my mind. Margaret would have sorted that sort of thing.

While they went next door I took the dog to the grave to tell Margaret the news. When I got there it hit me how much she did for us and I sat there sobbing for a good hour. When I got home my eldest and her boyfriend went to the chippy to get tea. Then I got a phone call. My eldest had had a epileptic fit And hadnt come out of it fully and went into another instantly. An ambulance had been called. He boyfriend went to hospital with her. Margaret would have gone straight down but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't see how I will be able to return to work and care for her like Margaret did. I spent the night absolutely wailing.

Her boyfriend came back at 4:30am. She was kept in.

This morning I got up early, I sorted breakfast for me and her boyfriend and we both went to the hospital. As soon as I got there I was overwhelmed by the reminders of when Margaret was taken in and cried my eyes out. I really hate that place. They reckoned she had longer fits because of stress and anxiety. They called the critical care team (it was the same people who saw me a few weeks ago). They want her to have counselling at the same place I am waiting for mine. They also want to call in social services to arrange care while I'm at work.

She got out at about 6 tonight and we returned home and have just had tea.

And that's the past two days. Ive been really low and everything seems so difficult. I'm dreading work on Monday.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Spaicer on June 04, 2016, 09:48:39 PM
So sorry things have been so hard for you the past few days  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on June 05, 2016, 06:50:31 PM
HI Hubby,

Just dropping a note to wish you luck going back to work. Let us know how it goes.   :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on June 05, 2016, 07:18:23 PM
Hi hubby bad day all youngest got married last year and I was glad for her but also sad that I would be going on my own,mix in a dose of shyness and I really wasn't looking forwards too it.I gave myself a role which was to keep an eye on the kids and transport them,which did help,but all these things I,m afraid can be shouldn't be thinking you are useless though,we have roles in a marriage and negotiating the role of the one who has died takes time,I still struggle with paperwork or making phone calls even after all this time it requires a real effort,
Going back to the hospital is also a nightmare I thought I had conquered that one,but not too long ago I visited someone and ended up having to walk past thee ward,when I say walk I ended up running to get out in the fresh air and avoid the full blown panic attack.
Of course you can't be at work and look after your daughter but if social are offering help grab it then it can be something not on your mind while you are trying to concentrate on the job.
You are doing well and you are doing the best you can for the familly please don't be hard on yourself you have no cause too.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 05, 2016, 10:32:19 PM
Thank you all very much for the thoughts.

It's certainly been a rough few days and I woke up this morning crying but I've calmed down a lot as the day has gone on.

I walked the dog early, made breakfast for myself and my daughter and then got my ladders out and spent the afternoon painting in the yard. It was sweltering so I had frequent refreshment breaks and progress was slow but I did the bit I wanted to do.

Later on I made tea, did the washing up and my youngest came round with my grandson so a good time was had there. No crying since this morning though I will have a little weep before I go to sleep ( I always do).

Up early tomorrow for work. First job is to get someone out to start the van. It's been outside my house for nearly three months and the battery is completely flat. 😳
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 06, 2016, 11:02:30 PM
Well first day back at work and it was a bit of a farce.

I got up early and cried that much I thought I might not be able to go in but calmed down after 20 minutes or so. I called someone out to start the van. He started it OK but the battery was that flat it was knackered. He couldn't fit a new one because the van is under warranty so I had to drive it to a main dealer. The callout man said they would give me a courtesy car but they didn't have one so I had to get a train to the office. I was only there 30 minutes when one of the bosses started flapping and asked if I could go out and deal with a problem (I'm supposed to be on light duties/phased return). Instead of saying no I got the boss to run me to the job and when I had done it he let me go home. I was back home in time for judge Rinder.

So I walked the dog, phoned the solicitor, did a little bit of painting, had a cry, did a shop and made tea.

My eldest has phoned everyone on the action plan the crisis team set out and started the wheels in motion. She also went to the doctors and he reckons she has ptsd after finding Margaret collapsed and that's what's made her epilepsy worse. He's given her another tablet.

Off to bed now. Got to get the train in again tomorrow.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 07, 2016, 05:45:28 PM
I don't know what has caused it but I'm having a nightmare of a day. I've been breaking down crying and I'm missing Margaret more than ever. I'm really drained and I've done nothing at all. I couldn't even get my van because they haven't fixed it yet.

All I want to do is go to bed and hopefully start again tomorrow.  :cray:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on June 07, 2016, 08:34:27 PM
Hi Hubby,

I'm sure the stress of going back to work has something to do with it. Also, the last time you were at work Margaret was probably alive and now you are stepping back in it under different circumstances and the reality has set in once again. Sometimes if you take a moment to reflect on why your emotions are so raw you can realize that something new happened.  I'm sorry for your day, try and cope as best you can and keep posting.  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 07, 2016, 09:09:12 PM
Thanks Jakers.

I was in such a state when I did the last post I forgot to mention that I didn't go into work today. I woke up in time but felt terrible. Even though I hadn't started crying I knew within a minute of waking I wouldn't be going in. I phoned the boss and he seemed fine with it and told me to stay at home and just get my van this afternoon (it's still not done).

I've had a bath now and I'm going to have an early night and try to get the train in tomorrow. I have to get back to work packing my job in is not an option.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 08, 2016, 10:55:22 PM
Today's update.

Woke up very upset but managed to drag myself out of bed, get dressed and make a coffee. Had a right wailing session while I drank it and really didn't want to go to work.

However I forced myself to leave the house and got the train in. I didn't do much while I was there, I replied to a few emails and that was about it but I got into the swing of being around people again. I got he train home in the afternoon then went to pick up my van so no more trains.

I did a bit of shopping, stopped off at Margarets grave with some new flowers, took the dog for a long walk, made a half decent tea and prepared a salad for my dinner tomorrow (and one for my youngest daughter). All without any major upset.

Of course I will have my bedtime cry but I'd put this down as quite a good day on the whole.

I hope the rest of you had good days.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Spaicer on June 08, 2016, 11:22:14 PM
I'm glad you managed to get through some time at work, I find a bit of routine helps and gives me something else to think about, its the loneliness in the evening that I'm finding difficult at the moment.

Hope tomorrow goes ok  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on June 09, 2016, 12:07:53 AM
Glad you managed to get into work,its not a minor achievement so well done you.I remember when I went back not really being able to focus on the job at all and making a couple of mistakes,plus getting annoyed about a colleague moaning that his wife wanted new kitchen units but they couldn't agree on the colour.It all seemed so petty and so trivial I wanted to yell at him about wasting their time together with silly arguments,but managed to bite my tongue,Of course it was nothing out of the ordinary wasn't going to cause a split or anything just everyday conversation but it was the realisation that I would never have that kind of conversation again,that ordinary would never come back and that I had nothing to say nothing everyday because every part of me was focussed on my loss.It took a while but I did get back to the work routine and it does fill the days.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 09, 2016, 07:42:57 PM
Thanks for the replies.

Being busy does tend to keep the emotions in check and those lonely times, particularly going to sleep and waking up for me, are the worst. Unfortunately they are pussyfooting around me in work and I'm basically left to do as I please. I would love the chance to make mistakes but you can't do that when your just mucking about.

After the usual struggle I drove in this morning. Normally working nights and having had nearly three months off without driving negotiating the city centre rush hour was interesting to say the least. I was surprised how long the journey took. I spent most of the day tidying the back of my van. One of the first things o found was a hanger off a pair of shoes I had bought for Margaret and the wrapper off the Mother's Day card I bought her a few weeks before she died. I climbed in the back of the van and had a little weep. It was quite a big job as its a working van with stuff all over the place and I'm pretty pleased with the progress I made with it.

When I got home all sorts of things started going wrong. Builders had pulled down the wall at the back of my garden by mistake then I smelt gas in the front room and the gas board came round and cut the gas off because there is a leak in a bit of lead pipe. I can't get anyone out till Saturday but, looking on the bright side, that means it's chippy tea tomorrow.  :yahoo:

I had another little weep when I took the dog for a walk and I've been into my youngests house (next door) for a coffee. My eldest made us a jelly for after tea and she's arranged with social services for an emergency call system to be installed to contact relatives of she needs assistance while I am at work.

I'm finding myself very tired early in the evenings. I don't know if that's because of the grieving. I'm actually thinking of going to bed at 9 tonight though I probably won't fall asleep till it's dark.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on June 09, 2016, 08:44:38 PM
Hi Hubby,

Glad you were at least at work. I guess for a while you'll just have to assimilate yourself back. Don't know what to say about your house. Sounds interesting to say the least.  Grieving is truly exhausting but I think the strain of getting back to work is also part of your tiredness.  Enjoy your chippee tomorrow and hope it's a good day.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: rajahh on June 10, 2016, 08:54:32 AM
You are dealing with many different problems at themoment, and I am sure they all add to your tiredness.

You did make me smile though when you said you would like the chance of making a mistake!!

You are doing really well even though you may not think so.


Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 11, 2016, 12:42:28 AM
Thank you both for the replies.

Today was much like yesterday. Drove to work, did next to nothing, came home.

I did make myself a wonderful salad for my dinner in work last night and actually remembered to take it out of the fridge but then set off for work leaving it on the coffee table at home. My head is so muddled nowadays I forget a lot of things. I've been out without my keys and gone shopping without my wallet countless times.

In work I did less than yesterday. I thought I had found something to do when it came to time to fill in my Timesheet. I rang the boss to ask what I should book my time to and he told me not to worry he would fill it in for me!  It sounds great being paid to just turn up (and even not turn up if the mood takes me) but I need a bit more structure to my day than that. Hopefully I can find something constructive to do next week.

Back at home I managed to get out with the dog between monsoon like downpours and me and my daughter sat snacking and watching telly for the rest of the evening so I didn't even do anything around the house.

I need to get my act together and get more done.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on June 11, 2016, 01:43:14 AM
Hi Hubby,

I don't mean to make light of the work situation (or maybe it's how you write it, especially about having something to do by filling your timesheet) - that does sound like easy work. Having said that, you will need more structure since going in and not knowing what you're doing really isn't a good idea. It sounds like they are just letting you get used to getting back in the schedule of showing up. I hope it eventually sorts itself out and I'm sure it will.

As far as being forgetful, that will all come back in time, just getting in the habit. Maybe try and find one place for the keys and wallet near or around the front door, like a big bowl and toss them both in. That's what I do with my cell phone, wallet and sunglasses so they are all in the same spot, my keys are always hung next to the door with other keys.

Anyway, hope you sleep well and have a good day tomorrow.

Sending another hug to congratulate you on your week back at work.  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 11, 2016, 09:50:01 PM
Thanks jakers

I'm doing more work at home than I do in work which is s complete about face.

Today hasn't been too bad as I've been kept busy. Long story but I now have gas and also a big hole in the living room floor.  :undecided:

I was going to go to the grave but I haven't had a minute to spare. Tomorrow the church is having a memorial service for Margaret. I don't really want to go as I know it will be upsetting but all the family is going. I'll probably go to the grave afterwards.

Not too many tears today but twice I have called my daughter 'marg' by mistake which always gives me a shock. I only do it when I am pretty relaxed. I guess it's my brains way of reminding me that I should be grieving.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 12, 2016, 02:50:51 PM
Having a bit of of a lazy day today. I had a big cry in bed last night and I've been miserable since I woke up and don't feel like doing anything. It got the wood to fill the hole in the living room but can't be bothered fitting it.

I think it's the anticipation of the memorial service that's set me off. I've never been religious and I'm feeling a bit pressured into going. Maybe I'll take my daughters for a meal after it's over.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 12, 2016, 09:19:30 PM
The memorial service was horrible. I only got as far as the end of the first hymn before it got too much and I had to walk out. A nice lady came out to comfort me but I would rather have been left alone. Afterwards I took my daughters for a meal in a restaurant we used to go to with Margaret. It was pleasant enough though there were a lot of memories of happier times running round in my head.

I'm home now and planning an early night in readiness for work tomorrow.

Look after yourselves.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: rajahh on June 12, 2016, 09:41:54 PM
To me a memorial service is too similar to a funeral.  I was asked if I wanted one fir my daughter and grand daughter when they died as the funeral was where I live and she lived in a different county and tge villagers wanted a service. I thought about it but the funeral was bad enough so I said no.

I honestly am not surprised you had to come out.

Sounds like a step back today but tomorrow you will take another step or two forward.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on June 12, 2016, 10:09:30 PM
Hi Hubby,

Sorry that you didn't make it through. These things happen and you need to do only what you can do. You have Margaret in your heart so the memorial service would not have really changed that. These things are so hard for the family and no one can know how hard unless they have been through it.  Hope tomorrow is a good day at work.   More hugs for you   :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Spaicer on June 12, 2016, 10:46:27 PM
Hope tomorrow is easier than today  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 13, 2016, 09:00:32 PM
Thank you all for the replies  :hug:

Had a big cry last night and another this morning. Drove into work, had a cry in van outside. Did not a lot then had a cry. That memorial service has really knocked me back.

I was a bit better after lunch and had a drive around collecting things which was at least useful. I visited a friend on the way home, walked the dog and went shopping. I was doing OK till I got to the card aisle and there it was. A little card saying 'to my husband on fathers day'. I say a little card but to me that line might as well have been in 6 foot flashing neon. There I was bawling in the middle of ASDA again. I hate it when that happens.   :cray:

I finished the shop and went home and cooked tea. I was going to fix the hole in the living room floor but I cant be bothered now. We'll have to keep 'walking the plank' until I get motivated.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on June 14, 2016, 08:33:05 PM
 :hug:sorry you had such a bad time maybe a memorial service is worse because often at the funeral we are still in a state of shock and even subconsciously thinking it has all been some kind of mistake.
Those little unexpected triggers like the card can catch us out at anytime but over time I think they become easier to handle you still get that initial moment of shock thought but it becomes easier to walk away without crying although I tend to go silent for a while especially if its something someone says.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 15, 2016, 08:12:07 PM
Thanks Karena. I don't handle surprise  triggers well at the moment. I'm OK talking to people and stuff but things like the card really bowl me over.

Not much to report today. Yesterday and today I have been giving a workmate a lift into work and they have found s little job for me to do where at least I can keep myself occupied and can see I have done something at the end of the day. I'm fine if I keep myself busy but seem to be more sad when I stop doing things. It's as if I have to fit so much sadness into a day and the less time I allow for it the worse it is. Does that make sense?  :huh:

Last night I was so down I didn't go on the Internet at all and gave up on doing the floorboards. I got a joiner in today and he did the job in ten minutes.

On the plus side I'm getting better at cooking so there's less crunching on black stuff at tea time.

Take care everyone.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 16, 2016, 07:53:14 PM
Not too bad today. Picked up workmate and drove him to work, did my little tidying job and came home. Made tea and had a good clean up in the bathroom. Only a few little weeps so far.  Not bad at all.

Hope the rest of you had decent ones.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on June 16, 2016, 07:56:36 PM
Hope your eve goes ok too  :hearts: xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Norma on June 17, 2016, 09:58:00 AM
Hi Hubby, it was good to speak to you in chat the other night, and so glad you got your floorboards done, you would not believe the mental picture it brought into my head lol. Glad youve had a better day, hope to see you in chat again xx

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 17, 2016, 11:32:17 PM
Cheers emz and Norma. Replies much appreciated.

I like going on chat but it's difficult on my iPhone and the Internet on my PC is s bit patchy to say the least.

I was off work today but kept busy by General stuff that had to be sorted.

At teatime we had a bit of a crisis that eventually involved all the family and a lot of talking and tears. My eldest daughter has finally let me know that she has been diagnosed as having PTSD after Margarets death. She had tried to keep it from me, probably to stop me worrying, but the way it makes her behave was driving me mad. At least I now know what is behind it and can be more understanding.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on June 18, 2016, 01:12:52 AM
Hi Hubby,

I'm sorry about your daughter being traumatized after Margaret's death and having PTSD. Maybe the good news is that it has been diagnosed early and the treatment will be more effective.  You certainly have a lot on your plate. Yes it was nice having you on the chat - always nice to see people from the forum but not always feasible with iphone and we have all had some challenges with internet.  Hope you have a good weekend and continuing with the hugs  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on June 18, 2016, 10:31:02 PM
My daughter had PTSD not for the same reason,it took a while but she is fine now.Hopefully she will get the support she needs from professionals now too. :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Spaicer on June 18, 2016, 11:18:04 PM
Sorry for my ignorance but what is PTSD?
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on June 19, 2016, 12:03:26 AM
Hi Spacier,

PTSD is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. 


Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 19, 2016, 11:11:28 AM
Thanks for the replies.

My daughter is having flashbacks to when she found Margaret and hears her talking to her. She kept this from me because I was so upset. I don't know what I condo to help.

Yesterday I had a pretty bad day. I think the family upset has set me back a bit. My two daughters and me did a big shop and my eldest a boyfriend came to stay the weekend. I had a bit of overtime in work in the afternoon, just a little job, but when I got home I had a terrible headache. I dong really get headaches but this was so bad I could hardly lift my head.

My eldest cooked tea and after that I went to bed. I didn't wake up till 10 this morning.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 19, 2016, 11:22:12 AM
Just had breakfast made for me  :coffeetoast:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Spaicer on June 19, 2016, 11:53:53 AM
 :hug: enjoy  :smiley: you deserve it x
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on June 19, 2016, 07:59:44 PM
There is web page with advice for family I will look it up and pm you the link.
Hope you enjoyed breakfast and the rest of the day was OK.
Re the headache make sure you're not getting dehydrated,that gives me headaches as does an approaching thunderstorm didn't used to but it does now,so depending on your weather yesterday it could have been that.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on June 19, 2016, 08:28:49 PM
Good on you Hubby for having your breakfast made. I think Karena is spot on with the hydration. I'm also one who gets a headache (migraine) when the barometer drops or a sudden change.  We need to keep our bodies well hydrated, especially when grieving. Also, with the crying you are losing water and salt as well as when your breathing out so be sure to keep them topped up. Have a great Monday.   
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 19, 2016, 10:05:05 PM
Thanks all.

My daughters, their boyfriends and my grandson spent the day around me but I spent a lot of time out of the room crying. Even when I was with them I couldn't concentrate as I was thinking a lot about Margaret. Maybe it's because it's Father's Day or because of Friday night or just another dip but it's been pretty low.

The headache could have been dehydration. I have been crying buckets since Friday.  :cray:

I'm having an earlyish night tonight as I am up st 5:30 in the morning. I hope I get a better day.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 20, 2016, 09:51:49 PM
What a horrible morning. I woke up a little sad but went through the routine of getting ready for work. Then my mind played a new trick on me. I was in the kitchen making s cuppa, the sun started shining I let the dog into the garden and, for a second, everything was fine. Margaret was in the living room watching having a cuppa and toast and I was almost ready to set off to work. It felt great.

Of course the realisation that Margaret was not in the living room soon destroyed the illusion and left me sobbing uncontrollably. Staying off work wasn't an option as the first job I had to do was necessary to enable a lot of other people to do work. I went out to my van and sat in it crying my eyes out for a good 20 minutes before I could drive.

I did the job then went to the depot where I actually had quite a good day. I dropped off at Margarets grave on the way home and had a little weep, nothing like the cry I had in the morning, then went home and managed to keep myself quite busy with little jobs.

I've just come up for an early night and had another good sob but it's passed now. I'm ready for sleep

Hope everyone had s day a little better than yesterday. It's not guaranteed by any means but it does sometimes happen.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 21, 2016, 08:54:49 PM
A strange day today.

Woke up and went to work without any tears. Work was a bit 'same old, same old'. Came home made tea, walked dog, a couple of little cries.

The only big thing that happened was something I thought I had missed out on. Since losing Margaret I have read a lot on grief and spoken to many people and one manifestation is said to be 'seeing' your loved one while you are out and about. I thought that sounded a bit crazy and it didn't happen to me until I was driving home tonight.

I was sat at a set of traffic lights and I looked around to see a woman walking along the pavement on the opposite side of the road. She was the same build as Margaret, had the same hairstyle and was dressed similarly. I remember thinking to myself "What is Margaret doing all the way over here?". Then I realised what had happened. I didn't cry or get upset but it did kind of spook me a bit.

I wonder what other tricks my brain has planned
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: rajahh on June 22, 2016, 12:38:50 PM
I have had that experience too. After my daughter died. I suddenly saw her walking towards me with a neighbour. It turned out it was the neighbours daughter but I couldn't even speak as it did not hit me until they were actually talking to me.

I did cry, .

You are making progress hubby, however backwards and forwards it seems to you. You have a lot to contend with and I admire the way you come on here and involve us all, it helps as we sometimes feel we have days like yours but never put it into words.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on June 22, 2016, 01:06:50 PM
Hi Hubby

I am with rajahh and again I commend you on the postings, it benefits a lot of people who are aware of the journey and how it goes. I am finding more and more lately that there are so many losses around me. My good friends brother in law was killed in a motorcycle accident and that has a ripple effect. Life is so uncertain from day to day. Good wishes to you and if you are a believer you will always have Margaret with you, like an angel so when those things happen she is probably whispering to you that she is close.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 22, 2016, 10:46:16 PM
Thank you for the replies.

Mostly I make these posts for my own benefit. It helps me clear my head and I can go back through them and see that I ammaking progress at times when it seems I am going backwards. I am definitely further on than the days when I couldn't eat, sleep or even deal with basic things.

I had a long day I work today. I was heading home at two but something cropped up that needed pretty urgent attention and they asked me to attend. I could have refused because it had the potential to be pretty stressful but I went and dealt with it quite well even if I say so myself.

I didn't get home till seven (stopped off at ASDA and got some whoopsied veg on the way home). I made the tea and walked the dog. I got a letter from the local health trust about the complaint I made but all it said was that there is a delay in looking at complaints. Perhaps I should complain about the complaints procedure! 

Most importantly I did the whole day without crying once. Not even when I stopped at Margarets grave to have a little chat about the day. I've had sad moments and I will cry before I go to sleep but a whole day with a dry hankie is a bit of a first.

I only hope it lasts.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Spaicer on June 22, 2016, 10:57:10 PM
 :hug: definitely sounds like steps in the right direction, hope tomorrow is ok
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 22, 2016, 11:05:36 PM
Thanks Spaicer.

I hope you have some decent days as well. You deserve them.  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on June 22, 2016, 11:15:49 PM
All little steps forward  :hug: xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 23, 2016, 11:07:23 PM
Thanks emz. Always nice to get some encouragement.

Today wasn't so bad. I went on a first aid training course. Bits of it were difficult (The last time I put someone in the recovery position it was Margaret) but I got through it without too much trouble. I came home and cooked a vegan meal for one of my daughters friends who was visiting and he was quite impressed. I took the dog for a walk and managed to fit in a bit of hedge trimming. It was quite a good day, or so it seemed.

Then, and for no apparent reason, I just broke down crying and the feelings of missing Margaret were stronger than ever. I'm thinking the sadness is always there just waiting for a chance to get out. Work and stuff just distracts me giving me an illusion of being further ahead than I actually am.

That said I am only just over three months in. I would only be fooling myself if I thought I was even approaching fully functional in such a short time.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on June 24, 2016, 12:08:49 AM
Hi Hubby,

I think anyone who has grieved could anticipate what happened to you. Even though I've grieved many times, I still get caught off guard when I think I'm doing better than I am and end up in another ocean of tears.  The good thing is you did accomplish something today at work so be proud of yourself. For a while, the sadness will be there and there may be times you are trying to control the emotions when they appear unexpectedly.

Always interested in reading your 'diary' which you are generous enough to share with others.

Bye for now
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on June 24, 2016, 10:00:00 AM
3 months isn't long atall and you are doing really well.  :hearts:  having this post helps you see your progress too, which is so helpful at times when we feel things don't seem to be changing
It was an ever changing path but for the first year I grieved (at varying degrees, very much a rollercoaster) and the second year brought it's own challenges. All steadily creeping forward to coping better over time. And you have friends here to help along your journey.  :hug: xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 25, 2016, 04:43:23 PM
Thank you very much for the replies. It keeps me grounded to know that others have had similar experiences.

I missed posting yesterday. The day was pretty much the same as Thursday. Work, home, did a bit then got very upset. My daughter went to stay with her boyfriend for the weekend and the loneliness got to me a bit so I was feeling very sorry for myself.

I was upset again this morning but managed to get it together in time to pop into work and do a little overtime. I'm home now and trying to muster a bit of enthusiasm to do something but I'll probably slob out for the rest of the day. The weather doesn't help.

Hope your all having better weekends.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 26, 2016, 11:02:55 PM
Well I've had a lousy weekend.

The weather stopped me keeping myself occupied so I was sat in the empty house and kept myself busy by crying and generally feeling sorry for myself. This afternoon I went to the grave and sat there sobbing in the pouring rain for an hour and a half. The dog thinks I've gone nuts and he may be right.  :sad:

My eldest came back home at five and my youngest came round so I picked up a bit then but in general it's been another setback.

Oh how I hate these continuous ups and downs. The unpredictability of it all. I just think I'm beginning to understand my feelings and suddenly everything changes.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 27, 2016, 09:19:19 PM
Well today went pretty much like Thursday and Friday.

I went to work and managed all day without to much upset. Most of the time I felt fine and it was only when I had to walk across the city centre and past shops with memories that I had a little wobble. No crying, just feeling a bit sad.

Then I came home, stopping off to get a bit of shopping, and broke down in floods of tears the minute I walked in the door. Me and my eldest went to my youngests and she gave us our tea which was a welcome break from cooking then I walked he dog. My mother in law came round to help me sort out the freezers, we had to throw out loads of stuff. She went home and again I burst out crying.

I've had good days and setbacks before but this setback seems to be deeper and longer lasting than previous ones. I think it's because next week I have booked off work, it would have been the week Margaret and me went off to Blackpool. We already had it booked and I had to cancel the hotel when she died but I forgot to cancel my leave from work. I have so many happy memories of our times there and it really hurts knowing there won't be any new ones.

I really miss her and the yearning seems to be getting stronger.  :cray:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Spaicer on June 27, 2016, 09:44:51 PM
 :hug: hubby, I'm with you in having a big set back, can't seem to move forward even slightly, managing to get through the work day and care for the kids but am just totally empty, just want to retreat to bed & cry (which I can't)  :cray: don't know how I'm going to get through this but I suppose there's no choice.
I hope you have a better day tomorrow  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 27, 2016, 10:00:34 PM
Thanks Spaicer.

I'm sorry to hear you are stuck as well. Bearable days seem so far away but you never know what is around the next corner on this journey.

Hoping you also have a better day tomorrow.  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 28, 2016, 10:48:10 PM
Not so bad today.

Did work with no major problems. Came home early for a doctors appointment. He's given me a note allowing me to do my job but no night work till August (nights are when I always get upset). No crying yet today and feeling quite positive. Maybe the latest setback is over for a bit.

I'll have a bit of a weep, maybe more than that, before I go to sleep but I don't count that as affecting a good day. It's the time I indulge my grief and allow the emotions out. It seems to help me relax and fall asleep. 
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on June 29, 2016, 12:30:18 AM
Hi Hubby,

I'm so sorry that you won't be enjoying the holidays you used to have in Blackpool. When you feel more positive down the road maybe you can make a scrap book with some of the photos of the times you had with Margaret. Even make a collage to put on the wall. Also, it is a fact that crying will eliminate toxins in your body and reduce your stress, it is it's own therapy. Tears of grief are not the same as other tears so it's your body doing what it needs so cry as much as you need. I think if more people cried there would be less disease from stress so you should allow it all to get out. It's good that you are not working nights - I think that is a hard time for you to go home and not have any downtime for the emotions.  We are still here for you. You are improving even on your worst days when you don't feel that you are. Take care and I'll keep sending you hugs.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on June 30, 2016, 09:59:16 PM
Thanks Jakers.  :smiley:

I have a digital photo frame which displays pictures of Margaret many of which are on our holidays. I may have to turn it off next week to save myself from getting too upset.

I had a bit of a bad day yeasterday. A bit like previousm days but much more upset when I got home. I couldnt bring myself to go online and went to bed early. Work was OK today but I was really tired and had a headache all day. I had a lie down when I came in and feel a bit better now.

One thing I have noticed is that I no longer feel the need to mention little things I have done like cooking, walking the dog etc etc. These seemed like big things worthy of mention not so long ago but now I manage them without too many problems. I think this shows I am coping better with the day to day practicalities. My grief is no longer stopping me from functioning but the sense of loss now seems even worse than it was.

Hope you all have good days.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Spaicer on June 30, 2016, 11:20:03 PM
 :hug: I understand exactly how you feel, I seem to be at the same "stage" I don't congratulate myself just for making it through the day anymore, which used to feel like an achievement but I seem to have accepted that this is it, the sadness will never go because I'm never going to see Terry again we're never going to share a laugh or wind the kids up by singing & dancing round the kitchen, I suppose what I'm saying is there's a huge hole that won't be filled and I've come to accept it but it's not going to get easier  :cray:
Sorry! Not very supporting! Reading your posts you seem to have come a long way I hope tomorrow is easier for you  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on July 01, 2016, 07:07:37 PM
I guess it's a little like learning a skill,  it's a real challenge at the beginning and we fight our way through the challenge and get better at the skill,  so we can then do a certain amount with less effort and work towards the next step of the challenge
With bereavement even the simplest things like getting out of bed or walking the dog takes a huge amount of effort at the beginning so we rightly count them as our mini daily successes. On our journey those bits become 'easier/more routine' to achieve so we are then ready for the next 'challenge'
I also think bereavement is a bit like that in the way it kind of 'releases' the emotions in increments, by which I mean that just when we think we've got the hang of it there'll be other/stronger emotions to deal with. We may think we've gone backwards but I think it's our mind deciding we're a teeny bit stronger, have achieved a 'step' and are ready to deal with a bit more.  Which, I think is why we have dips.  Even when we think we've gone backwards we've actually crept forward and gently over time it gradually becomes easier to cope and the missing less raw xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on July 01, 2016, 11:32:42 PM
Thank you both very much for the replies.

Its certainly a strange stage to be at. Like you say Spaicer theres a huge piece of my life missing but I'm slowly learning to accept that this is how things are going to be for the foreseable future. The emotions do seem to be stronger but the day to day stuff is getting easier.

Today I was off work. I got up pretty early made breakfast and went with my two daughters and grandson to the market. I then took a train into town and hunted down a solicitor to witness a signature on some probate documents. I came home and started tidying up the front room which hasnt been touched since I lost Margaret. I was making pretty good progress then ...

I treasure all the memories
We've shared along the way
and cherish all the new ones
We are making every day

... I found the valentine card Margaret gave me a month before she died.


Total meltdown. :cray:

It took me a good two hours to get myself back together enough to make the tea but I did pick up enough to do a bit more tidying (but not in the front room in case I came across something else).

I did get stuff done and managed half of the day before coming across the card. If I hadn't found it I would have had a good day but, to pull a positive from a negative, it is now one of my most treasured possessions.

I think I'm going to have a good old sob before I sleep tonight.

Hope everyone had one of their better days
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on July 01, 2016, 11:40:36 PM
Hi Hubby,  :smiley:

I think you are doing splendid.  :hug:

You are handling the situations as they present themselves and still moving forward even though it catches you offguard. You really need to commend yourself for your progress. These things are going to be happening and there's nothing you can do in advance to warn yourself so just go with it. 

I wish you a good sleep and good day tomorrow.

Best wishes for your continued progress.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on July 03, 2016, 12:03:40 AM
Thanks Jakers.

Your words are very encouraging as sometimes it is difficult to see I am getting anywhere.

Today I managed all day without crying. I did a bit of overtime in work earlier on, some shopping on the way home and stopped off at the cemetery. After tea I did some little jobs, nothing major, then watched telly. It wasn't till after 11 tonight that I had a cry but the longing was as deep as it has ever been if not deeper.

I'm hoping for better weather tomorrow to keep myself busy.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on July 03, 2016, 07:15:47 PM
 :hug: if you just scroll up this thread you can see how much better you're managing.Everyone has blips I do even after this time,and the missing doesn't go ,but the blips get spaced out a bit more and the missing can end in a smile instead of tears sometimes,you imagine the conversation you would have had when something happens that they would have laughed at or told you off for.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on July 03, 2016, 07:50:23 PM
I love that Karena, that is so sweet and true.
 :hearts: for both of you
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on July 03, 2016, 10:16:57 PM
Thanks for the replies.

I can see that I am managing better even though sometimes it doesn't feel like it.

Today I had a little cry in the morning then busied myself outside taking afvantahe of some drier weather. Nothing too extreme but enough to keep me occupied. My eldest went to the pictures with her boyfirend and my youngest came round with hers and my grandson so I dug deep in my wallet and paid for their teas.

Another day without too much fuss. :smiley:

I'll have my nightly weep of course but  my last big setback seems just a distant memory and I'm hoping my next will be quite a way off.

Hoping everyone else has good days
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on July 04, 2016, 10:29:22 PM
I've  had an up and down sort of day. I was up at 5am to do a quick job at work and stopped at a supermarket to get some shopping on the way home. While doing it I forgot for a moment that Margaret was gone and put a blouse she would have liked in my trolley. It really upset me when I realised the only little presents I could get her now would be things I could put on her grave.

When I got home I busied myself painting until it rained. Normally keeping myself occupied keeps the upset in the background but today I have been sad pretty much all day. I can't help feeling that this week would have been the one I enjoyed more than any other in the year. The week I had Margaret to myself on holiday. It's tearing me apart that I am now on my own up a ladder with a paintbrush in my hand and I won't see her smiling face again.

My head is full of so many happy holiday memories but my heart is breaking because there will be no more.  :cray:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on July 04, 2016, 11:01:29 PM
Hi Hubby,

I agree up and down is the order of some days. I understand that you just forget that she is not there but when you are aware, you should be extra kind to yourself. Don't put more on your plate that day. Maybe a favourite treat or something special, an extra walk with the dog. Can't erase the times that were, but just to try and ease your way into them - that's about all you can do for now. There will be dates in the first year and for years to come, so as much as you can, be mindful that they are there and it may help buffer the pain. Sometimes you just need let yourself be sad. This is all part of it.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Spaicer on July 04, 2016, 11:05:13 PM
 :hug: feeling the same, laughing out loud sometimes remembering things especially talking to the kids but feeling so sad I can hardly bear it.
Let's hope it gets easier  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on July 05, 2016, 01:59:28 PM
Thanks for the replies. It seems I'm heading down again at the moment.

Last night I had what I thought was a brilliant idea. I still have all the photos from last years holiday on my phone so I thought I could go through each day's photos on the equivalent day and try to relive last years happy memories as if I was on that holiday. It made sense.

In reality it was horrible, like some kind of torture. Far from reliving happy times it just set me off on a spiral of misery. I ended up feeling so sorry for myself I didn't fall asleep till 7am. I've been up two hours now and I can't get myself motivated to do anything. I just want to crawl back into bed.

I'll be glad when this week is over.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on July 05, 2016, 09:24:55 PM
Well the day has been a complete write off. I have not done a thing not even walked the dog. I'm just feeling sorry for myself in between bouts of crying.  :cray:

I've come to bed now. Hopefully tomorrow will be a bit better.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Spaicer on July 05, 2016, 09:47:08 PM
Sorry you've had a rotten couple of days, these things seem to come in waves, hopefully things will be better for you tomorrow  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on July 06, 2016, 12:09:01 AM
Hi Hubby,

Well, you are bound to have these days that are a write-off. Don't despair - maybe it's a little early to be living through those memories so put them aside for now. They will still be there when you are more ready emotionally. It's a hit and a miss with emotions, sometimes we think we have a handle and they remind us how fragile we still are. 

You are still doing well even with the worst of the days.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on July 06, 2016, 10:50:01 PM
Thanks again for the replies.

Today was a bit better than yesterday. I had to get up early to let an electrician in the house next door but one. After that I made my daughter breakfast and set off on a bit of painting again to keep myself busy. I also did a little bit of garden work. In the afternoon my two daughters and me set off to arrange an inscription on the gravestone and to have it reinstalled but when we got to the stonemasons it was shut.

I can't say it's been a good day. Every time I sat down for a break I just started thinking how much I should have been enjoying my holiday with Margaret and I've had a fair few short cries. I have managed to keep busy most of the day though which distracted me a bit.

Another day done.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on July 07, 2016, 12:11:09 AM
There are no days that whatever you do is right or wrong whether it's thinking of Margaret, going about menial or challenging jobs or having a good cry. Even if you have a good laugh at something silly - don't deny yourself a bit of enjoyment along the way. These are all part of your new normal, inching your way along. 

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on July 07, 2016, 07:28:48 AM
The 'firsts' are always hard, and the first holiday is no different. Our brains are still processing the loss and at each circumstance realising what that means to us.

I go to Brixham in south Devon every year, has become like a bit of a tradition lol, (for a while we had easy access to a house which was cheap so we would do a few weekends) my dad would often come on hol with us as we all got on so well, my first time there after losing dad was hard. Everywhere I looked my brain seemed to realise something else about my loss.  Now time has passed I can see something and think 'aww if dad was here' and have a smile, and sometimes a bit of sadness  but the sadness not to the same degree (or as often) as the 'first' - there was also the happy memories

Sending a hug xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on July 08, 2016, 01:19:02 AM
Thanks for the thoughts.

This morning I had a break from my week off with a course in work which filled in half the day.

I returned home this afternoon and the weather was poor trapping me in the house where I got myself all miserable again. I fell asleep at eight and woke about half an hour ago. I've been torturing myself with last years holiday pictures again. They should be happy memories but it destroys me to look at them. Even so I can't stop myself looking at them.

this could be a long night.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: rajahh on July 08, 2016, 05:07:42 PM
When my daughter and grand daughter died they made bbc news and all the daily papers. I used to read the opinions of others into what had happened and tortured myself over and over. I became addicted to doing it and it broke my heart every time.

They are still there on the net and a few weeks ago I foolishly went back and looked again.

I wish I could erase them so I am not tempted but am trying to ignore the thoughts.

Try to leave those photos for  a while,  it won't be easy but it is possible.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on July 08, 2016, 10:48:10 PM
Thanks Rajahh. I find it very hard to look at the photos but even harder not to. I only have one days worth more so I can stop torturing myself after tonight.

Today I have managed to keep busy practically all day. I did breakfast, went to the market, spent hours trimming s huge bush that was taking over the garden. I went out and bought flowers for the grave at the weekend and potted up a Passion flower for my youngests garden.

Apart from a slight wobble on the market, more of a wobbly lip than crying, I've not been too upset.

I've got a little bit of overtime tomorrow so I'm hoping the photos don't upset me too much tonight.

Hope you all have a good weekend.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on July 10, 2016, 12:05:06 AM
Well I did my overtime and a big shop on the way home. I was feeling a bit weird, spaced out, when I left the supermarket so I stopped off at the grave as I was passing the cemetery. There I had a major cry. One minute I was sat there talking to Margaret pretty calm and the next I was completely overwhelmed.

When I calmed down I went home and did tea then settled down in front of the telly. Most of the night I was OK but I had a couple more major cries. No triggers that I was aware of just suddenly busting into tears. They only lasted a couple of minutes before I stopped crying and calmed down again.

The sense of loss now seems to be even stronger when it sneaks up on me. Even so most of the day was pretty bearable
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on July 10, 2016, 12:26:20 AM

Even though you may not think it, it seems you have more of a handle on things than you realize. The cries will be ongoing for as long as they are needed so never worry about that. I, myself am a crier so you most certainly have company. Yes, it's always the surprises that catch you off guard but again, it is normal. We haven't the control of our emotions we think we have.  I hope you have a good day tomorrow.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on July 10, 2016, 10:42:38 PM
Thanks jakers. I expect to have my little cry at bedtime, in fact I welcome it but lately it's been sudden completely unexpected outbursts.

It takes so much out of me as well. Today I didn't wake till after one!

I had a half hearted attempt at sorting stuff in the cupboards and cooked tea for my youngest and her fella. After that I did half an hour in the garden and filled in my timesheet for work. I've got an early start tomorrow but I probably won't sleep because of all the sleep I got last night.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on July 11, 2016, 10:36:24 PM
Today something happened that I had been warned about by a friend.

I got up early to do a job in work. Then I drove to the depot and busied myself doing piffling little jobs till home time. I drove home stopping off to get a bit of fresh fruit on the way. I pulled up outside my house and a thought entered my head. I hadn't thought about Margaret at all for about six hours.

With that thought in my head I went into the house, sat down and promptly burst into tears. It felt like the worst bout of crying I have had so far.  :cray:  :cray:  :cray:

As my friend put it 'Every hour of every day you will think about her and be upset, then one day you will realise you haven't thought about her for a while and the guilt will tear you apart'. He wasn't far wrong.

After an hour or so I calmed down a bit and carried on much as I have been the past few days but that really was a low point.  :sad:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on July 11, 2016, 11:17:55 PM
Hi Hubby,

I'm no expert but I think that we humans adapt to what is happening no matter what. You are now slowly accepting the situation but get knocked back when you realize it.  Just know that you always have your tears when you need them but you are inching along toward the new normal.  Never be hard on yourself or feel guilty, this is still the progression of grief and you'll bounce back and forward along the way. I'm glad you have a valuable friend who has sound insight.

Take care  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on July 12, 2016, 10:58:52 PM
Thanks Jankers. I don't like the new normal but I am getting better at muddling through most of the day.

Today I did work and dropped off at a friends house on the way home. I used to see him every day but he had a stroke about 18 months ago and had to move closer to his family so I only saw him once a week. As I've been off work I haven't seen him for quite a while.

We talked about Margaret quite a bit and I actually found myself laughing with him over some of the memories. It was actually quite pleasant.

I got home after seven and did tea, walked the dog etc. I have thought about her quite a lot today but apart from a few sniffles I muddled along quite well.

ill have my nightly weep to clear my head but, to my mind, that doesn't count.

I'll put this down as a good day.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on July 13, 2016, 12:19:00 AM
Bless you Hubby,

I think you have come so far along in a short time while not trying to prove anything. You are such an example of how on those dreadful days, you strive along best you can and eventually can even find some humour remembering your loved one through the grief. You will be fine, even though you are still on the roller coaster ride, you are doing amazingly well. I'm glad you saw your friend who can share in Margaret's memory.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on July 14, 2016, 09:25:53 PM
Thanks again Jakers.

I am moving forward but it seems the feelings are getting stronger when I get them. I don't think I have truly accepted that she is gone and part of me expects her to one back and make everything right again.

I didn't post yesterday. I went to work and did some minor things. I came home, did a little gardening then had a relaxing bath. Then I got really upset, had a wail, and fell asleep really early hence not posting on here.

Today I got up early and went into work. I spent the whole day pruning trees and pulling up weeds in the car park. I stopped off at an aunts house on the way home for a cuppa. When I got home I did a couple of hours gardening and walked the dog. My mother in law made us some stew which was a nice surprise as it meant I didn't have to cook the tea. I've had a relax watching telly and come to bed early because my back is killing me (and I've sunburnt my neck)

I'm feeling pretty down but I'm going to look through some photos before I go to sleep. It may sound weird but I actually think I enjoy crying and looking at pictures.  :huh:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on July 15, 2016, 11:36:48 PM
Had a good cry over the photos last night. I think it did me some good as today hasn't been so bad.

I muddled through everything without any major upsets. I've even been to the stonemasons to arrange having the stone refitted and a verse put on it. I will be happier visiting the grave when thatn is done. It just looks all wrong at the moment with the plastic marker and the stone lying down without Margarets name on it.

I'm thinking of getting some turf to speed up making it look nice once the stone is back on.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on July 16, 2016, 08:04:23 PM
If you hung fire on the turf for a couple of months you could put some bulbs in with it.snowdrops crocus narcissi
for example
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on July 17, 2016, 08:54:26 PM
That's a good idea Karena but they would have to be early flowering ones as the grass cutters at the cemetery start mowing very early in the year and wouldn't think twice about mowing down flowers. I might put some around the headstone.

Yesterday was a bit of a write off again. I got up late, went to work for a quick job but was really tired when I got home. I went to bed just after eight.

Today was a bit better. I got up pretty early, made a breakfast and managed to get some more painting done outside. It's slow going but it looks a lot better where I have painted. My youngest came in with my grandson and her fella like they do every Sunday and I cooked a curry. I'm getting better at cooking but there's still room for improvement.

Only a couple of daytime cries over the weekend but I still have my nightly pre-sleep weep.

It's an early start tomorrow so I'm having a bath and another early night.

Hope everyone has had a decent weekend
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on July 18, 2016, 10:01:59 PM
Normal pattern to my day today.

Went to work, did work stuff OK, came home, did a bit of work and made tea. Was fine in work but very upset at home and burst into tears quite a few times. I think it's because Margaret would have loved a sunny day like today and I could imagine her fussing around making a nice meal for us all and offering us cold drinks and ice lollys every couple of minutes.

I'm now coping fine with the day to day stuff, even though I do tend to forget things or leave them to the last minute, but emotionally I'm not managing too good.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on July 19, 2016, 12:30:53 AM
I know what you mean about the weather,any little thing like that is going to be emotional.those rare days when once I would have come home from work and found the barbie lit and wine in the cooler then sit out the back until sunset or the midges got too much,I still miss them but I have got back to welcoming summer days now,I just work in the garden instead,tonight I pulled the last of the rhubard picked black currents and rasberrys then did prep for turning them into jam outside,later watched the birds go to bed and the hedgehog come out for its tea all relaxing but different to before. :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on July 19, 2016, 09:55:45 PM
Thanks for the reply Karena. I reckon it is definitely the weather setting me off.

Today I did all the work thing and came home and did odd jobs with no problem. Then I sat down and I could just picture Margaret sat there, sunburnt and complaining that it is "too bloody hot". That set me off crying in front of my daughters but we soon got round to laughing about how she would sit out in the blazing sun till she was burnt to a crisp and then swear blind she had only been out in it for thirty minutes. Happy memories. God bless her.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on July 19, 2016, 11:35:18 PM

Very sweet - that's sums it all up.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on July 20, 2016, 07:03:08 PM
Thanks Jakers. I think I'm getting there slowly.

Had a big cry last night but got up for work OK and did what they asked of me. Did a shop on the way home and stopped off at Margarets grave. That's always upsetting but normally if I stay long enough I calm down and have s bit of a chinwag with her. Today I couldn't stay long for some reason. I just wanted to get away. Maybe it's because he stonemason has taken the stone for engraving her name.

I've got a letter from the hospital regarding the complaint I made about Margarets initial treatment. It's three pages long but basically says they are very sorry but they were busy that day. It gives me the option to take it further with he health ombudsman it have a meeting with them to discuss it. I think I'll go for the meeting. I don't want compensation or anyone reprimanded but I would like them to take another look at their triage and handover systems so that people in future are better prioritised.

It was extremely upsetting reading the letter. It covers the day she collapsed in some detail including some things that I didn't even remember. I've just glanced through it to the conclusion and will have to set aside a time to go through it properly.

I've not done any jobs since I came home. It's far too hot. I think I'll have a lazy night and a few shandys.

Hope your all coping with your days.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on July 21, 2016, 10:22:03 PM
Nothing much to report today.

Got up, did work, came home, had a little cry. A fairly nondescript day.

I have read through the letter amd decided I will definitely arrange a meeting. If nothing else I will have tried.

Hope you are all coping well.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on July 22, 2016, 10:53:28 PM
Today much like yesterday except I got upset on the way home from work and couldn't be bothered doing anything after that.

I've noticed I can't remember things I have to do. I knew I had five things to do today but could only remember three and even then it took me half the day to remember them. I'm going to have to start writing things down. Margaret would have reminded me of the things that needed doing and I relied on that. Now she isn't here I'm lost.

Oh how I wish she was here to nag remind me
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on July 22, 2016, 10:55:46 PM
Hi Hubby.

It's still just the ups and downs. You'll get there eventually, don't be too hard on yourself.


Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on July 23, 2016, 10:00:29 AM
My memory definitely got worse for a while after my loss, I'd even forget words.  I rely on a calendar app on my phone, 9 times out of 10 if it's not in there (or written down) I'll forget xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Norma on July 23, 2016, 11:35:17 AM
The memory loss is i feel because theres far to much other stuff going round in our heads, and the loss of your beloved wife takes up 7/8 th of it, so theres not much room left for the everyday things, i have to write everything down on my calendar, or im sure id even forget what day it is sometimes, you are doing okay Hubby i always look forward to reading your posts and see how much easier your days seem to be. Xxx

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on July 23, 2016, 06:41:20 PM
Me too on the memory loss.
Good luck with the meeting. :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on July 24, 2016, 10:25:28 PM
Thanks for all the replies. I'm pleased the memory loss isn't just me 'losing it'. It's put my mind at ease a little.

Yesterday I had a bit of overtime which I muddled through on my usual way without any problem. I got home to an empty house as my daughter had gone to see the drifters with her boyfriend. I was quite glad of the space and did myself a bit of a salad as a treat (my daughter won't eat salad so I don't often get the chance). I had a relaxing evening with a few cans and set off for bed when they got in.

I was about to post on here when I got a terrible sense of being totally alone. I decided to cheer myself up by looking through pictures of Margaret on my phone. Big mistake. I finally stopped crying at around 3am and woke up crying at 6.  :cray:

I got out of bed around 9 and couldn't do any of the jobs I had planned as it was raining off and on. So I had a bit of a couch potato day till my youngest came round with my grandson and her fiancée. I made a curry for tea and managed to slap a bit of primer paint around the kitchen door before having a bath ready for an early start tomorrow.

So there you have it ...

Yesterday ... Not too bad
Last night ... Horrible
Today ... Not too bad

Ups and downs.  :undecided:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on July 24, 2016, 11:17:09 PM
Hi Hubby,

Sorry that it was a mistake to look at the pictures.  May I suggest that even though it will still be hard for quite a while, that when you want to look at them, you wait 20 minutes before you do. Maybe you'll have a better sense emotionally where you are at that moment. It's continually ups and downs for now and maybe for some time but considering it's only been about 4 months you have made progress. I think treating yourself to things you like is a great idea even if you don't find it pleasurable at the time.

Hope you have a good Monday and the rest of the week.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on July 25, 2016, 07:49:08 PM
Hi hubby its a good idea to treat yourself.after the turmoil and the move I hated coming home at weekends,no work to distract no people to distract just empty days and nights,so I started a Friday night routine of treats,luxury bath and a bar of chocolate .It helped just to know it wouldn't be the same routine as every other night.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on July 25, 2016, 08:36:54 PM
Haha, Great idea Karena, a nice little something to look forward to just for you. Here's a little candle for your luxury bath.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on July 25, 2016, 10:47:08 PM
Thanks for the replies. A relaxing bath is out of the question for me. My Jack Russell, Billy, likes to charge up and down the bathroom and dump toys in the bath for me to throw for him. I'll have to fix myself a treat involving Southern Comfort or JD.  :azn:

Today I managed what seemed like a full day of the sort of work I did before I lost Margaret and I actually enjoyed doing real work for a change. One unforeseen consequences of that appeared when I took Billy for his walk. When it was time for us to head home I looked at him and said "Let's go and find grandma" (I'm his grandad, Margaret was his grandma). I haven't said that to him in months. I guess up to that point the day had been so normal (the old normal) I had settled into the routine and temporarily forgotten Margaret was gone. Just saying it brought me back to reality with a jolt and I walked back with tears streaming down my face.

After a while I got past it and managed to get a bit more painting done in the kitchen after tea and even polish everything in the bathroom.

So apart from the one setback today hasn't been too bad. I'll have my night time weep of course but I'm feeling pretty positive.

Hope your all doing well.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on July 25, 2016, 10:49:55 PM
 :hug: xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on July 25, 2016, 11:05:58 PM
Me too....  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on July 26, 2016, 09:26:32 PM
 :hug:and me.
Thankyou for the candle Makers much appreciated.

Hubby your Billy made me smile running up and down with the toys.and at the same time made me cry because I,m missing my dog so much We were mum and dad I really hope the two of them are together somewhere.
But I also totally get how sometimes it just takes an instant to shock yourself by thinking or saying something as if for a brief second you forgot things will never be normal again.The positive thing though is that you were able to focus on your work and reconnect with that.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on July 27, 2016, 12:11:42 AM
Thanks again for the replies.

This grief has turned everything on its head. I'm in a strange place where crying actually makes me feel happy and feeling happy makes me want to cry. Remembering things makes me sad but forgetting them makes me even sadder.

Today has been s good day. I did work, went to the doctors (He'd stopped me doing night work for another month) and did more painting at home with just a few sad moments and no crying at all. I should be pleased but, in this upside down world, I'm worried that it won't last and wondering what new surprises grief has in store for me next. :huh:

I'm still forgetting things so I made a list of things I need to do as recommended when I mentioned it on here. I dealt with a few things today and, when I went to cross them off the list, they weren't on it??? I guess my memory is even worse than I thought. :rofl:

Hope your all doing well.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on July 28, 2016, 10:44:24 PM
Yesterday and today have been fairly OK. I worked, came home, did a few jobs.

I took the cat that's lived in our yard for the past ten years to the vets yesterday as its been a bit lethargic. It's not our cat but Margaret fed it and my daughter has taken over. The vet checked it over and took some blood for tests. The results are back and it's fine but my wallet is £187 lighter.  :huh:

Today I got s call from the solicitor and probate has been granted so all that's left is to transfer the property into my name and the legalities are complete. I've also got my first appointment for counselling next Wednesday.

I've had a few miserable moments but generally I'm feeling a bit detached from everything. A bit like living on auto pilot. Perhaps not even living, just existing. On the plus side I have managed to get on top of a few things now I've started writing down what I need to do rather than forgetting everything.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: angela33 on July 29, 2016, 09:22:03 AM
Oh my heart goes out to you for your loss and grief and the desperately painful ending you have suffered. I had similar with John being in ICU and told he was brain dead and having to let him go, thankfully it appeared to be peaceful, but part of me wanted to insist they kept him alive on life support, but that wouldn't have been the right decision.  I so wish there was a magic formula I could offer to make things easier, but there isn't and we all find our way in our own unique way.  But it is so hard and difficult and painful and lonely and I hope you are able to find some comfort with family and friends.  Everyone says that time slowly helps with managing the pain and it is comforting to have this website where people really understand what it is like so try and reach out for help whenever you need it and when it all feels too awful, just keep breathing and know it wont always be so dreadful.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Julie Magson on July 29, 2016, 10:33:54 AM

I've had a few miserable moments but generally I'm feeling a bit detached from everything. A bit like living on auto pilot. Perhaps not even living, just existing. On the plus side I have managed to get on top of a few things now I've started writing down what I need to do rather than forgetting everything.

That explains exactly how I feel Hubby. I went out with my sister yesterday and yes it was good to be out but I felt so detached from everyone around me.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on July 30, 2016, 10:10:21 PM
Thanks for the replies. It helps to know that others experience the same feelings and it's not just me.

I didn't get online last night so it's two days to report on. Friday was a strange sort of day. In work I was given a job which was with a work colleague I knew from years ago who now works for another firm. I have not seen him for over five years but I knew he lost his wife last year. When we met we had a bit of a laugh about things we used to do years ago and it was almost like old times except I could see the sadness beneath the brave face he was putting on. I wonder if he could see mine?

After work I went home and did a few jobs and went to bed early as I had been in my feet all day and was very tired.

Today I treated myself to a bit of a lie in. After that I had a bit of overtime to do then did a shop on the way home. My daughter was out when I got back so I set about mowing the lawn. Halfway through it I burst into tears. I carried on, mowing while crying, till the job was done. I then did a bit of painting and my daughter came home so I made tea.

I opened a letter with the new insurance documents and read through to make sure everything was right. They have only put Margarets details on it even though I told them she was dead. I started to ring them to correct it but broke down crying again before I could get through. That could have been avoided had they just listened.

I've come to bed again now. I'm hoping for a nice day tomorrow so I can get a full days painting in

Hope you all have a decent weekend.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on July 31, 2016, 12:11:36 AM
Hi Hubby,

Bless you for carrying on with the lawn even though you were in tears. It's good for you to know you are not alone when you meet someone who has also lost. They are the better ones to understand what you are going through.  We have a supply of tears waiting to fall when we need them and it's good that you don't hold them back.  I can only offer support regarding paperwork and dealing with those who just don't get that those errors have such impact on the loved ones day.

Looking forward to hearing from you again. You have quite a following here.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on July 31, 2016, 09:18:38 AM
Few people see the sadness beneath the brave masks worn. I wonder sometimes if it fear for unleashing something - perhaps some people see but dont know how to react so don't pursue? .
I have one friend in particular who always knew,  a couple of caring questions and I'd be in tears, where she could see beneath the mask
Sending a big hug  :hug: xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on July 31, 2016, 12:52:42 PM
Thanks for the replies.

I've just made the call to change the details on the insurance and it's knocked me for six a bit. The details will keep coming up as long as I class myself as married. The only other options are single or cohabiting. To remove the details, occupation, birthdate, etc I had to class myself as single.

I don't feel single though. As far as I am concerned I am still married to Margaret and will remain so.

Why oh why can't they put a widowed option on there and avoid the upset?
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Spaicer on July 31, 2016, 02:24:57 PM
That's awful, I totally agree, I'm widowed, still married and definately not single, if it's not too upsetting & you have the energy I would complain  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on July 31, 2016, 10:54:39 PM
Thanks Spaicer. I think I really do have to complain. I've just spent half an hour bawling my head off because of it. It's really getting to me.  :cray:

Nearly forgot my update. After the call to the insurance I managed to drag myself out and do a bit of painting and a few odd jobs. I made a curry for my daughter and her fiancée and had a bit of a chuckle with my grandson. Then I watched the Bond film but got upset and missed the end.

That's about it. Take care.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 01, 2016, 10:11:58 PM
Not much to report today. I didn't get much sleep last night as I was still upset by the insurance thing. I had to get into work early (6am) which didn't help. When I got home I had planned to fit some alarms but I was really tired and didn't have the motivation.  I tried to have a nap on the sofa after tea but billy was climbing all over me and licking my ears so I went to bed at 6. I've just woke up and had a cuppa and now I'm back off to bed.

Night night.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on August 02, 2016, 08:49:24 PM
That's pants hubby they should have a widowed box, ive never been able to change my facebook status from married.but what's really important is what's in your heart not some officious document created by automations who insist everyone fits into a predetermined slot.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 02, 2016, 10:28:44 PM
Thanks Karena. I haven't got round to complaining yet but it's definitely on my 'to do' list.

Today I did work much the same as normal. Still scratching around for odd jobs but keep myself occupied. On the drive home I just burst out crying for no reason whatever. I had to pull over to compose myself.

Once home I walked the dog then started doing things on my list. I did quite well, sorted something out with the council, rang the local health trust and arranged s meeting over my complaint about Margarets time in A&E and fitted some smoke alarms. Then I went to s doctors appointment and hit a chippy tea.

I had another little cry in the garden and a big one while looking at some of the teddy bears Margaret had got as presents over the years. I think I've cried more today than over recent days so maybe I'm having a little setback but there have been calm times as well.

Tomorrow is my first counselling session.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Spaicer on August 02, 2016, 11:09:59 PM
Good luck with the counselling tomorrow, I'm actually considering it, although I'm not sure it's for me, but then had a really big sob the other so maybe not doing as well as I thought 😕
Anything that helps with the pain has to be good  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 04, 2016, 12:10:09 AM
Thanks Spaicer.

I nearly missed my appointment for counselling. I set off from work in plenty of time but must have got caught at every set of traffic lights. When I got to the city centre roads had been closed and I sat in traffic for ages. What should have taken thirty minutes took over an hour and I got there five minutes late and really flustered.  :angry:

The counselling was a lot harder then I imagined and I had imagined it to be hard. After the initial introductions and pleasantries my counsellor asked me what had happened. Even though I have recounted it perhaps hundreds of times to different people and thought I had got used to going through the timeline of events without falling apart I found myself hardly able to speak through my tears. It seemed to take forever to go through it.

It then got worse. I don't know how but somehow the counsellor got me talking about some complications that came to light after Margarets death. These were things I had filed at the back of my mind that brought up a lot of questions about how I perceived our relationship. I had been hiding from these negative thoughts but the counsellor told me they have to be addressed in order for me to grieve properly. I then showed hef a couple of photos and she advised me to try and think of Margaret as she was in my favourite picture rather than the image I have created with unanswerable questions.

It seemed like I as in there forever but it was less than an hour. I felt drained afterwards.

I haven't done much since I got home. I made tea and washed up but that's it. The thoughts I was hiding from are right in the forefront and I feel absolutely miserable. I don't think I'm going to sleep tonight.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on August 04, 2016, 04:09:37 PM
Hubby try and keep on with it.
The first two sessions i had left me drained and tearful and i really thought about chucking in the towel, but then it seemed nothing else would make it better either so there was nothing to lose.The third time was less draining, and by the time i got to week 7 i was dreading it being over,i had 8 weeks,but i knew i was taking some-one elses time whose need was more urgent and also that i had got strength from it, enough to go it alone.Now that those things have come out you will find a resolution which will help you file it away in the right place next time.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on August 04, 2016, 09:10:41 PM
Hi Hubby,

I think we can all sympathize about the stuck in traffic. I'm sure they understood. I think Karena has great words of advice that you continue.  It all takes time. These things always drain us so maybe be low key in leading up to the session. 

Good luck with your progress.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 04, 2016, 11:36:42 PM
Thank you for the replies.

I feel a bit better about the counselling today. I didn't get much sleep last night but I've managed to cobble together a list of some of my concerns and questions hat I can bring up at the next session. It's been a bit of a backward step in my journey but here are things that have yo be revisited before Ivan move on

Today wasn't too bad. I did the work thing then visited an aunt. I was late home so it was microwave meals for tea then I went for a bath.

While I was upstairs my daughter had an online argument with a distant relative who rents a house Margaret inherited off us. We only charge him £50 a week and, to be honest, it's actually costing me more for him to live there than I'm getting in rent at the moment so I can do without the hassle on top of everything else.

Why does everything have to be so difficult?

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 05, 2016, 07:11:07 PM
I don't know what's happened today but I'm in the middle of a major setback.

I got up and went to work as normal. Came home, had a little sleep because I'm meant to be going out with a few workmates tonight and woke up around 5:30 absolutely distraught. I'm missing Margaret more than ever, can't see the point in carrying on and can't stop crying. Not little sobs but full on uncontrollable wailing. It feels like I've gone back months.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on August 05, 2016, 07:51:12 PM
The counselling has probably brought things back to you.  Sending a hug  :hug: be gentle with yourself
Your counsellor shouldnt be making you go over and over painful memories in detail. If thats the case, you might need to seek a different type of counsellor (there's many different types/schools of counselling) xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on August 05, 2016, 08:07:59 PM

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I wish I had words that could be of more support. Maybe you should tell the counselor how distraught you are. I think you need to be straight forward with them so they know how fragile you are.  We are here for you always.

Wishing you a better tomorrow.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on August 05, 2016, 08:57:05 PM
May be the counselling and also deep down the idea of going out with your mates,its a big step.
But its something that happens a lot,you start feeling a tiny bit better then find yourself at the bottom of the pit,After a few times you recognise it,let it happen then start climbing again but the climb gets a little bit easier each time because you know you've done it before.Take care of yourself  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 07, 2016, 09:36:58 PM
Thanks all. It means a lot that you take the time to read my ramblings and offer support.

Yesterday was horrendous. A horrible combination of loneliness, missing Margaret and lack of interest in anything. I would start crying at the drop of a hat. I cried when I got up, on the way to work, in work (in front of people, something I've managed to avoid till now), in shops while doing shopping and when back at home. I couldn't bring myself to go on the Internet or do anything else for that matter and was in bed at 7.

Today started off just as bad but I forced myself to go out and do a bit of painting. Keeping busy seems to have done the trick. Also it was curry night in my house again (Korma this week) and my grandson was round which has cheered me up a bit.

Hope your all doing well.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on August 07, 2016, 10:08:18 PM
Hi Hubby,

Bless you! Always giving a true and honest synopsis of how you feel. Just always keep in mind there is nothing linear about grief and it will go back and forward and up and down and catch you when you least expect it. You spent a lot of time with Margaret so your life and memories with her will not disappear and you must allow yourself the sadness.  I think your Margaret must have been very special. I wish you a good next day. I will join you in a virtual cuppa  :coffeetoast:


Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 07, 2016, 10:13:52 PM
Thanks Jakers.

I'll make my cuppa a Horlicks  :coffeetoast:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 08, 2016, 10:39:43 PM
Today, believe it or not, I had quite a good day.

After a bit of a shaky start I went to work, did my stuff, came home, did the necessary things and a few extra little jobs then had a relaxing bath all without any serious upset. I even went to the stonemasons to see when the headstone would be engraved.

It really confuses and annoys me how I can be so down one day and a day or two later be managing OK. It makes it impossible to plan anything. I just don't know from one day to the next how things are going to be. I know there will be ups and downs but not when.

How much easier would things be if we started grieving at rock bottom and got a tiny bit better each day rather than it all being jumbled up.

Anyhow's that was my day. I'll still have my little bedtime cry of course but that is predictable.

Hope your all doing a little better today.  :smiley:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on August 09, 2016, 12:14:58 AM
 :hug: think I will stick to tea though not a fan of Horlicks.
Hubby I know what you mean about unpredictability  in a way there are two things going on,the steady progress at one level and the setbacks on a level above that moving at a different pace.The key is accepting there will be setbacks but recognising that they become less frequent and less disruptive over time.,and a better day is just round the corner you just need to get through this bad one.That in itself is part of the steady progress as now you recognise a bad day but a short time ago everyday was bad.
Don't feel that you can't plan anything though sometimes it is only by doing things that you discover what will make for a bad day and what won't.So for me for example trying to join the local WI was a bad mistake even though everyone said I should join things,and going back to dolphin watching was a good thing,even though I was dreading it would make things worse being so full of memorys,and others said I shouldn't go back,only forwards.We each will find our own way and each will differ but its a journey we have to take.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on August 09, 2016, 12:57:08 AM
Boy Karena, you hit the nail on the head with everything you said. I find that only someone who has gone through the quagmire can somewhat accurately explain the grief process and the thrashing it gives you even though we are all different, it is a constant in some ways with everyone. Many think they have gone backward because they have a day that seems worse than they had at the beginning but the reality is that is they just aren't recognizing that there have been some ok or somewhat good days in there too, so yes, it seems to go back but it is moving forward. In odd ways I have felt that a reasonably ok day was followed by a day that I call 'back in the tank' where I am miserable all over again. It eventually does become less and begins to balance a bit more and then eclipse a lot of bad days but I always think that grief can lurk around somewhere but you do have to move forward to plan other things. 

Hubby, you will find your footing and you will stumble but get up again and move on.  I say Cheers for Horlicks and Tea. I love them both. 
 :coffeetoast:   :coffeetoast:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 09, 2016, 10:46:54 PM
Thanks for the replies.

I feel I am moving on though bad days can seem worse than they ever were at the beginning of this nightmare. I think the weekends setback was definitely to do with he counselling where we touched on a few issues that were making grieving more difficult. I have another session tomorrow and I think my counsellor will go into it more. This may trigger another setback but I have to get these things in my head sorted now or I will just be storing up problems for the future.

As for today it was pretty much like yesterday. Just another day, manageable , no real upset. I visited an old friend after work which was nice and my daughter and grandson were round when I got home which was a pleasant surprise. My desktop PC, 'old sparky', has finally given up the ghost. I think I backed up all the pictures on it to CDs just before Margaret died so hopefully I haven't lost anything important. I just wish I had real photos in shoe boxes like we used to have, at least they weren't at risk of some bit of technology breaking down.

Hope your all managing OK

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on August 09, 2016, 11:18:56 PM
Nothing wrong with shoe boxes and CD,s hubby that way you're covered  if either get lost or damaged as long as you don't keep the CDs in the shoe box anyway.You could transfer some of the special ones to memory card or USB stick,get them printed and create a memory box for your grandson when you're feeling up too it.
Hope things go OK tomorrow  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 10, 2016, 09:09:12 PM
Thanks for the reply Karena. I think the computer is totally kaput. I won't be able to check the CDs for pictures till I get another one, an expense I could do without.

I was working with the boss this morning and he made sure I got off in plenty of time to get to the counselling. It was nowhere near as difficult as last week. In fact I don't think I cried once. I still can't get my head around some of the issues though as hard as I try. I seem to be stuck in one way of thinking and no matter how much people try to point out alternative ways of looking at things I can't move on.

I've also got an absolutely rotten cold. It's so bad I had to scrap the planned cooked tea and replace it with microwave meals and I've been in bed since just after six generally feeling unwell. I've had a Horlicks and hopefully it will be short lived. Margaret would have kept me well supplied with lemsip, hot toddys and milky drinks but it looks like I'm going to have to get my own. These are the sort of things I'm going to really miss.  :cray:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on August 10, 2016, 10:01:22 PM
I still like to print off my photos,  I like to have photo albums to sit and flick through, (along with my electronic copies backed up on CD) It's a nice feeling having a photo album.   Snapfish do offers every few months where you can get something like 100 prints for around £6, (upload photos online) so I do batches of prints of my photos every now and then,  printing off the best ones then spend time updating my albums
Something you might want to consider when you feel up to it. Maybe a friend could let you use their computer to look through photos on cds, when you feel ready xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on August 11, 2016, 12:29:40 AM
Sometimes I think the things and thoughts you can't get your head round are just too mammoth to get straight until you are stronger,like the rest of this process it takes time. :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 11, 2016, 08:40:07 PM
Thanks for the replies.

I've got some of my favourite pictures on a memory stick for one of my digital photo frames but I can't bring myself to set it up just yet. Having lots of pictures of Margaret displaying on a slideshow would be too much at this stage. It does seem to take time to get the strength together to face some things. Like looking through my memory box.

The problem I am having is that I found Margaret had been keeping some financial  problems she had been having from me. They could have easily been sorted but for some reason she kept the burden to herself.

I thought we had a relationship with no secrets and absolute trust, I certainly had no secrets from her, and it has forced me to rethink the whole relationship. I cannot grieve properly till I know why she couldn't come to me with the problem and the only way to find that out would be to ask her which is, of course, impossible.

I think I know why but there are so many unanswered questions I cannot help running through multiple scenarios some of them not very pleasant at all. I don't think I will ever know the truth and that really, really hurts.  :cray:

As for today nothing to report. I've been laid up in bed all day with an awful cold (it might even be ... MAN FLU!). My daughter has been looking after me with cups of tea and hot toddies and most of the time between I have been asleep. I'm hoping to be well enough tomorrow to drag myself into work. I've had enough sick time off this year.

Take care everyone.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on August 11, 2016, 09:13:44 PM
Hi Hubby,

I hope that there is an explanation for Margaret needing to keep things from you as yes, it opens it all up. For now, I guess give the benefit of the doubt til you find out more. I hope you soon recover from the flu. Your resistance is probably quite low just now so you need to be vigilant about taking care of yourself.  A daughter bringing you tea and hot toddies and sleep are certainly the best way to get back on course. 
Take care,
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 11, 2016, 09:33:57 PM
Thanks Jakers.

I try hard to give the benefit of the doubt, I really do.

Unfortunately she had been keeping the secret from me for at least twenty years. After she died we sorted out the problem within a month. It would have been even quicker had she been here. We could have sorted it in days.

So many questions that will never be answered.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on August 11, 2016, 09:43:37 PM
Hi Hubby,

I'm on the chat and got your notification. You may find that this could be complicated grief. I have some myself, not the same as yours, but when things get tangled up, it may mean you need that counseling more than ever. My own grief involves 3 devastating losses, a friend's suicide, another friend's death of cancer while she was on holiday and a job loss.  I thought I had dealt with them but such is not the case.   Just so you know we can all get thrown for a loop sometimes. 

Hope it works itself out

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on August 11, 2016, 10:54:50 PM
Even if she did choose to keep this from you, it doesn't diminish what you had atall, and does not take away from the love you shared at all.  There are so many possibilities of why, but rather than focus on that, focus on the times you shared - thats where the true love is.  The things you did for each other, the moments you shared, the gestures, the looks, the experiences - thats the meaningful things

Money is a man-made construct - it causes so many problems, dont let it hurt your memories of your relationship xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Brian71 on August 11, 2016, 11:21:48 PM
Hello Hubby,    regarding your wife feeling she could not confide in you, regarding finances,  I suspect this was likely because she was a little embarrassed perhaps to tell you.  None of us are perfect, its what makes us so individual, we all have our faults,  but even with the small flaws I'm sure it doesn't change how we feel about them and would pay all the money in the world just to have had a bit more time with them.   Remember the positive things that made us love them the way we do, and miss them every minute of the day,   which is why it's so tough to come to terms they are no longer with us.   As my dear wife would say... PMA.... (positive mental attitude)

Best wishes.....Brian.. :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on August 12, 2016, 12:20:22 AM
I agree with Emz. Focus on what you do know because you may never know the answer too this.
I understand its a trust issue more than just money but its really easy to get an idea in your head and let it nag away until you have built it into something much bigger than it is.There is an element of paranoia in grief i think,and i do wonder whether subconsciousely its some kind of defence mechanism, as if our mind thinks we will miss them less if we suddenly discover they had a big fault and so it niggles away at that.Also when we lose them that loss is so great we build them into being perfect,when in reality nobody is , so finding something like this shifts that pedestal that only we ourselves had put them on.
Sometimes you have to take a step back and look at the big picture take a deep breath and have faith that the person you loved and believed in is the whole person but is human and made mistakes sometimes, just as we all do.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 12, 2016, 10:49:16 PM
Thank you very much for all the replies.

I loved Margaret with every fibre of my being. She was everything to me, my reason for living. I would have given her anything.  I feel betrayed that she couldn't see that and struggled with these debts for decades

Deep down I think I know why she kept it secret from me. Unfortunately I thought I was a good husband who she could always turn to with her problems. Seems I wasn't. It has cast doubt on everything I thought our relationship was based on and there is also the niggling thought that there may be other things she has kept from me that I may never know about.

It all makes grieving so much harder. How am I supposed to grieve properly when I got my understanding of my relationship so wrong for so long?

I can try and resolve this. I can use what I knew of her to make a 'best fit' scenario that doesn't hurt too much and try to convince myself that was how it was but there will always be that lingering doubt that the worst case scenarios running riot in my mind are also in the running.

Up until now I have had a pretty melancholy day in work and at home. Just typing those paragraphs has destroyed me. I don't see any easy resolution.

Take care everyone.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on August 12, 2016, 11:04:49 PM
Hi Hubby,

I feel it so unfortunate that this has happened and you feel it has all been clouded in your recovery but the one thing in life we all must remember is that we don't always know people the way we think we know them. It doesn't make them bad but we will always feel that we will question the way things were and why it was to be that way. When you realize in time that Margaret had her frailties, as we all do, I'm sure you will separate those human weaknesses from the sound marriage that you had and why you loved her.  I could say don't beat yourself up but it's likely you will for a while because that is part of the process too. The person in my life who committed suicide was not the person I thought he was and I feel I have been betrayed and now will have to sort it all out. I was sure I knew him so well first as a boyfriend and then as a very good friend, but in some ways I didn't know him at all.  There are probably many people in all our lives like that but sadly, for you and I their death has brought it all to light.

You still are not alone in your grief journey but you have been given more or a challenge than you needed. Ultimately, you will know in your heart where it leads.

Just keep your courage and try and inch along. Giving you a bigger hug just now.


Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 14, 2016, 12:08:14 AM
Thanks Jakers.

I know it's going to take a long time to get my thinking straight about this but it's mainly about me and the way I think of myself. It doesn't change how I feel about Margaret one bit just as it wouldn't have changed it had she told me about it when she was here.

I've had a bit of a lazy day today again I'm afraid. I did a little overtime and stopped off at Margarets grave on the way home for a good chinwag about stuff. I felt s but better after that but couldn't be bothered doing any jobs when I got home. At this rate I will never get the backs of the houses painted before winter.

I've also had a letter from the solicitors with some paperwork to sign before they can finalise everything. Unfortunately one of he is a 'statement of truth' for the land registry but they have got all the details wrong do its back to the drawing board on that one.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 14, 2016, 10:28:49 PM
Not a bad day today.

Bit of a lie in then a friend was brought over yo see me. I met him walking the dog a few years ago but he had a stroke and had to move away to be nearer his family. I visit him weekly but he rarely gets out so it's nice to see him back here. We met up with someone else, walked the dogs thenwentbyo a local pub and had a couple of drinks and a catch up. I was a bit wobbly when we finished.

When he left my grandson and his mum and dad came round and I made the usual curry for tea then had a relaxing evening watching telly

Not the job filled day I had planned but altogether quite a nice day.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on August 14, 2016, 10:40:55 PM
Hi Hubby,

I think it sounds like a very good day.  A trip to the pub for a chinwag even if you got a bit wobbly sounds like just the medicine, work can wait a day. You need to relax and enjoy yourself a bit too.  I hope you have a good Monday whatever you are doing. It's nice to have balance in your day.  I'll say Cheers with a cuppa but you can pretend it's your favourite brewski.


p.s. that curry sounds good  :grin:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Brian71 on August 15, 2016, 03:38:04 PM
Good to hear yesterday was not too bad a day for you Hubby,  I note you mentioned the land registry,  I've not notified them as yet, do I need to do so ?   they are probably the only people I have not notified that my wife passed away in April, as our home was obviously registered in both our names at the land registry in St Annes.  Maybe I need to.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Julie Magson on August 15, 2016, 03:42:05 PM
eek no I haven't done anything about the land registry either- what exactly are we supposed to do?!?
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Brian71 on August 15, 2016, 04:20:43 PM
Well I'm not sure if we need to Julie,  I assume one would have to notify the Land Registry people in St Annes, Lancs.  and supply a copy of the death certificate, so the property shows just your own name on the deeds.  I will make enquires see whats involved,  Hopefully it can be done direct rather that through solicitors, indeed thats if we need to do anything at all,  which was why I noted Hobby's mention of the Land Registry...  perhaps he can shed a little more light on it, if he has done this himself. ?
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Julie Magson on August 15, 2016, 04:30:54 PM
Thanks Brian- I would be very interested to know.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on August 15, 2016, 08:00:05 PM
You do need to to save complications in the future but you need probate or letters of administration to can get the form online direct from their site and pay the fee direct.But if you already have solicitors sorting the estate they will probably do it as part of the service.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 15, 2016, 09:31:34 PM
Thanks for the replies.

I have to go through the land registry as the properties were owned solely in Margarets name. We have the grant of probate and changing the name on the property will be the final step in completing her will. I don't know what the state of lay would be over joint ownership but I would imagine it wouldn't need to be too much of a rush job.

Today I've been really busy. I did lots of little jobs in work in the scorching heat (Wasn't it glorious?). On the drive home I started crying for no apparent reason.

When I got home, realising I was getting upset I decided to keep myself busy. I pruned the hedges, mowed the lawn, did a bit of weed killer spraying, made tea and then went on to do a couple of hours painting outside. This kept me occupied but practically the second I stopped I remembered how spotting Margaret in a room would always make me happy and started crying again.

It seems keeping busy is the key to managing but it just presents an illusion of coping by delaying the inevitable.

I actually enjoy a good cry. I cry every night and I feel better afterwards but I would prefer it if it happened in a time and place of my choosing. These sudden upsets are doing my head in.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on August 16, 2016, 09:00:00 PM
 :hug:sadly we can't chose when those moments will be but in time it becomes easier to work through them and store them up for a private time.Its still early days yet,I know we keep saying that but it really is.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 16, 2016, 10:24:20 PM
Thanks Karena.

Don't I just know we can't choose the moments.

Not a bad day today though. Had a little sniffle driving home from work. (For some reason I have started picturing Margaret greeting me when I get home as I drive). When I got home I went to the stonemasons to pay for the inscription. I went to see the stone in the workshop, it wasn't quite finished, they still had to clean up the gold leaf, but it was a little upsetting to see the words carved on there. I will be happier when it is refitted on the grave as it seems very stark without it.

Didn't do a lot after that.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on August 16, 2016, 11:05:29 PM
Hi Hubby,

I'm sure you will have a lot of flashbacks along the way. You'd be surprised when something you'll see or hear can impact you, a smell, a familiar sweater, a name on the news - just part of it all.  Like Karena says, we can't choose when it will happen. Just bring your  Keep on truckin' and you'll get there. 
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on August 17, 2016, 09:36:37 PM
I distinctly remember when I had to move,putting my husbands dressing gown behind the bedroom door and telling myself he was working away.I knew it wasn't true,but it still felt better at the time.Not a trick of the mind or loss of reality, but maybe a defence mechanism. :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 17, 2016, 10:27:16 PM
Thanks for the replies.

A hanky is one of my 'must have' items now. Previously I only carried one when I had a cold. I still have one if Margarets pyjama tops on a hanger on the back of the door. I give it a stroke on the shoulder when I go past it. Daft I know but it's a small comfort.

Today I did work and then it wasn't counselling appointment. Today we looked at different ways of looking at things and concentrating on the good but, at his point, that seems impossible because the doubts come creeping up on me and there seems no way to stop them. I got s bit upset in the middle of it and managed to sneak a little cry in while the counsellor went out to get some paper.

Meditation classes and a 'bereavement massage' were mentioned but they are a bit new age for me. I might consider them a bit further down the line.

I stopped off to get some shopping on the way home and bought Margaret a little pink flowering plant for her grave. I stopped off at the cemetery and was surprised to find that the stone has been put back on. It actually upset me quite a bit as I wasn't expecting it to be there but the grave looks better now it's back. I can start planning grass and pots and stuff now.

I got home and made tea then went out and did a couple of hours painting. I've still got days of painting to do and want to get it done before Autumn. Then I made a salad for my dinner tomorrow in work. It's a bit cheaper than buying one ready made.

So just a few little cries which makes it another one of the better days.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 18, 2016, 10:02:04 PM
Not much to report today. Went to work, forgot the salad I made last night so I had to buy one for my lunch. I then had to eat the other salad for tea so now I know what it's like to be a rabbit. I didn't do any jobs when I got home and then, at around half past six, I started crying. No trigger, the tears just started pouring out. Realising it was one of those setbacks you just have to cry out I decided to have s bath and go to bed. I'd been half expecting it really.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on August 18, 2016, 11:30:14 PM
Good for you Hubby,
Sounds like you're trying to roll with it. That's the best approach. Always expect the unexpected and know it won't last. Sorry about the salads, look on the bright side, you won't gain any weight that way.  I have a funny little story. I have been taking anti depressants for about 6 months (I am also a crier) I was in the pharmacy getting my prescription renewed so I always walk around while I'm waiting to see if there's anything I need. Just by chance they had a 6 pack box of Kleenex tissues on sale so I decided to buy it for any future needs through the winter since they will last a long time. I went to the counter for my rx and put the 6 pack of kleenex on the counter. It crossed my mind when I got back home that - how must that have looked - buying the a-d's and 6 boxes of Kleenex. They must think I cry all day. Anyway I had a good chuckle to myself.  So you have a good tomorrow.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Rosaleen on August 19, 2016, 07:41:03 PM
Jakers, that made me chuckle too.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on August 19, 2016, 08:49:57 PM
Hay fever -its terrible at this time of year. :whistle:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 19, 2016, 10:29:43 PM
Lol@Jakers tissues. The pharmacist must be thinking their ADs don't work too good.

Bit of a ropey start to the day today. Very upset and crying when I woke up. Managed to calm down on the drive into work. Sorted myself out with a job which meant I was working alone for mist if the day in case I started crying again but managed to keep myself busy and my brain occupied. Sorted out another job to call in at on the way home to stop me crying on the drive like I did earlier in the week.

Couldnt be bothered cooking so it was chippy tea (every cloud). My grandson and daughter came in (they're going to the Isle of Man over the weekend) which cheered me up a bit then a I watched a bit of telly before the sadness caught me again. And it did, all I had to do was glance at a picture of me and Margaret on our hols and I was off.

It's subsided now. Maybe that's the end of this setback or maybe just a lull.

I've just realised, it's five months today.  :cray:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Julie Magson on August 20, 2016, 01:06:13 PM
Where DOES the time go Hubby? Although each day seems endless, the months seem to fly by. Coming up to 4 months for me. You don't fancy coming and replacing my bath sealant do you  It's gone mouldy in an inaccessible area and I haven't a clue what to do with it  :rolleyes: Seriously though I hope you are allowed a bit of peace today.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 21, 2016, 01:03:13 AM
I'd love to do your bathe sealant Julie but previous experience with it ended up with more if it's tuck on me than were I wanted it to go and wayer leaking from the bathroom into the kitchen.

Today I went for the easy option. Stayed in bed most of the day, got up, under coated a door then watched telly all interrupted by frequent bouts of crying. I feel really guilty that I didn't get up and get more done but it's so much easier to stay in bed and try to sleep through the setbacks.

My thinking has gone backwards as well. I can't help getting the thought that there is something I can do that would bring Margaret back. Of course I know it's an impossibility but the thought is there all the same.

I'm hoping tomorrow will be a bit easier.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Julie Magson on August 21, 2016, 02:58:30 PM
Oh I know what those days are like Hubby   :hug: - I hate staying in bed because I know it's not good for me but how else to hurry the day along till I can get back in bed again?  I try and force myself to get up but keep looking at the clock and turning over some mornings thinking 'just half an hour more and then I'll get up'.
I think you sound to be doing so well by achieving all the DIY jobs you are doing. Each time I achieve something, even if it's just changing the bedding I try and congratulate myself on having achieved something that day, the famous 'baby steps'.

I'll pass on the bath sealant then thank you! I really hope you are having a better day today- thinking of you.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on August 21, 2016, 03:28:09 PM
Here Here Hubby and Julie,

Anyone who has lost knows that feeling first thing in the morning and the procrastination of the day ahead. BUT three cheers just for getting through the day.  I agree that Hubby is headed in the right direction with his jobs even though there are many days I'm sure he'd prefer to not be doing them. We all struggle through these times but seeking support of others can help even just a little. Always knowing we don't do this alone. I wish both of you and all of us the strength to just keep going.

Blessings  and hugs
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 21, 2016, 09:19:28 PM
Thanks for the replies.

Sometimes my 'half an hour more' moments end up filling best part of the day. Today was one of those days.

I woke up pretty early. Since I lost Margaret I have had classic FM playing at a very low level in the bedroom just to take the edge off the quietness. This morning when I woke they were playing the hymn 'How great thou art'. This was the song we had playing as people went into the church at the funeral (albeit Elvis was singing it) and immediately put me on a downer. So I went back to sleep. Next thing I know it's four in the afternoon.  :rolleyes:

I got up, had tea and watched telly. Not a single job done today. Bit of a wasted weekend really.

I'm up really early for work tomorrow and I'm hoping I'm in the mood to get something done when I get home. I can't sit round feeling sorry for myself forever tempting as it may be.

Take care all
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 22, 2016, 10:23:52 PM
Today was an improvement. Work was no problem at all. I did have one little slip up when someone told me our cleaner was leaving and did I know anyone who would want the job. Without thinking I said "I'll ask Margaret" before instantly realising my mistake. Strangely I felt more foolish than upset.

I did a shop on the way home and took the dog for a walk before tea. I didn't get any jobs done but it wasn't a bad evening.

Going back to something I wrote about work, the phrase 'without thinking'. While I was walking back with the job I became aware that I wasn't thinking about anything. I was just walking along without a thought I my head like some kind of zombie. It was as if my mind was busy doing other stuff that I wasn't aware of.

Strange or what?
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on August 22, 2016, 11:16:30 PM
Hi Hubby,

So glad you had a pretty good day. Those slips are normal and don't worry what others think, they are probably very compassionate about it all. I don't think it's strange at all in fact I think it's fantastic that you are able to 'empty your head of thoughts' - maybe your getting a little more restful in your mind and a little more accepting of all of it. That's what meditation would be like, just a blank mind. Anyway, sounds like it was fairly positive. Jobs are there when they need to be done and you sound like the type that would get on them if needs must.

Happy you had a nice enough day. Hope your sleep is good.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on August 23, 2016, 12:38:01 AM
 I still find myself saying we rather than i sometimes,then cringing but i dont know if anyone notices certainly no one has ever commented.
Not quite the same type of zombie,but one day as I was walking to work I felt as though I was so far removed from the world and detached I wondered for a moment if it was actually me that died and once I was so unaware of what was going on around me I walked out into the road and nearly got run over which really was embarrassing.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Julie Magson on August 23, 2016, 02:01:26 PM
Yes I can empathise with these things you are both saying- I find I have to be really careful when I'm crossing the road as my mind just isn't onto the job. I was watching a quiz show last night (as you do) when a contestant came on and I recognised him as a child I used to work with when I worked at a school for the blind, Alan knew him too and I turned in excitement to Alan and started to say "Oh look it's Liam!" and then felt so weird and sad.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 23, 2016, 11:01:15 PM
Thank you for the replies.

Now I've noticed it I am finding more and more times when my head is empty and I'm operating on auto pilot. I always used to have thoughts running round my head whether about what I was doing st the time or about other things I had to do. Now I just seem to carry on while my mind occupied itself with other things. I have the thought that it's still trying to get to grips with losing Margaret but it could be anything because I am totally unaware of what it is actually doing.

Today I've only had a few low moments and I worked really hard putting up industrial shelving. The heat was stifling and I even turned a hose on myself at one managed to get a few hours gardening in when I got home (too hot to paint) and then I tried some proper cooking, only s pasta bake but I made the sauce from scratch. Only problem is portion control. My daughter won't touch pasta or cheese so now I've got enough to last me about a month, oh, and the fact that I used practically every pot, pan dish and utensil in the kitchen making it.

Another thing I did was stop off at a shopping centre on the way home. The pound store was doing four packs of dwarf daffodil bulbs for a pound so I got a load of them and I got some really nice black plastic planters that actually look like they are ceramic for 79p each at Home & Bargain. I reckon they will look really nice on the grave when the daffs come up in the spring and at about a pound a pot they they will be far cheaper than buying plants from a garden centre.

I mention that because up till now I've mainly been just plodding along doing stuff as he mood takes me rather than planning ahead so I see it as another little sign of progression.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on August 23, 2016, 11:43:55 PM
 :hug: I love daffodils so did Keith. We planted loads in a rockery area at our house.After his first stroke he couldn't see or walk well but sent me every morning to see if they had come out yet.They didn't until the day after he died,and seeing them then it felt like a message,like that was the reason he insisted I kept going to look,which made no sense because neither of us knew he was going to have the second stroke.But they became symbolic for me from then,No matter how bad the day and how gloomy you feel its hard not to be moved by them.They survived the winter and offer the first glimpse of sunshine.
I don't have a grave,but I planted daffodils in the places we loved to go,(native ones in rural spots) It meant I had to go back too those places and it meant I had to focus and plan where and how.There are over 100 in a field near the church so as they are showing on the anniversary of him dying, I have a walk down to see them,and as his birthday was in October I plant a few more in another place the weekend before or after,I already have this years batch and know where I,m going to plant them.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 24, 2016, 12:09:57 AM
That's lovely Karena.

Daffs were one of Margarets favourite flowers. She would go around tha family graves every weekend and mainly take carnations as hey can be had any time of year but come the spring she would constantly be badgering me to go round all the supermarkets on my way home from work to see if they had daffs in. She would be absolutely delighted when I finally managed to get my hands on some.

One year I planted hundreds of daffs at the end of the garden. I would look out of the window for the first flowers but never saw any. I thought I had bought a dodgy batch of bulbs. When I finally ventured out to investigate the lack of flowers I found the reason pretty quickly.

Margaret had cut them all to put on the graves leaving me with just stumps and leaves.  :huh:

Bless her. I'm going to really miss things like that.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: CornishDave on August 24, 2016, 12:43:56 PM
Hubby I am new on here and cannot imagine how you feel as my wife is still with me. I guess one of us is going to face this in the not too distant future as we are both in our seventies! I only lost my teenage sweetheart who I had not seen for over 50 years and I feel really sad about that, no idea how I will react if my wife goes before me. I hope that as time goes by the pain will lessen, I know you will never forget but I am told that the pain will becomes less intense. It is good you have your family watching out for you and I am sure your dog is a great comfort. My thoughts are with you and I hope you will soon get more of the peace you deserve.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Brian71 on August 24, 2016, 04:49:34 PM
funny enough I think my wife was fond of Daffs too, as I've spent more time myself recently in the garden for obvious reasons, and I've noticed over the last few months the large number of Daffs we seem to have.  Roses were always some of my favourite as I've always found them pretty hardy,  look nice and just need a good pruning back each year but always seem to tear my hands to shreds on them, but have quite a lot of those too.

She always spent much more time in our gardens than what I did,  her foster parents who raised her in a village near Malvern had a small-holding, her foster father worked on a local farm so she was very knowledgable indeed when it came to I can't tell the difference sometimes between a weed or a

Yesterday, I went over our 3 lawns with some lawn treatment to help get rid of the dandelions as I seem to have more of those than actual grass,  but I fear I may have over done it when it came to the amount applied,  I'm just hoping I don't end up having to relay 3 like this she would have known about.
Anything to do with electronics or computers I'm your man, as that was my business for over 40yrs.... but gardening...NO WAY... but I do my best, and it gives me something to do when at home.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 24, 2016, 10:36:05 PM
Thanks for the replies. It helps to know people sympathise and understand.

Today has been a reasonable day. Work presented no problems and I had a counselling session in the afternoon. The counsellor tries to explain that I should focus on happy memories and put any negative feelings behind me but that is really hard to do. I'll keep trying though.

After counselling I went back into work, I didn't have to but I just fancied s bit of a drive to the depot to clear my head.

An engineer fired an emergency call system for my daughter in he house today. That will put me a bit more at ease knowing that if she feels herself going into a fit she can get help. It even makes a call automatically if she falls.

I also got a replacement for my old desktop PC. I don't need snyghing fancy so I opted for a refurbished dell PC from Amazon. It came with a screen, keyboard and mouse and only cost £70 for the lot. Setting it up will keep me busy over the weekend if I can't get outside to do jobs.

I had a bit of feeling upset in the counselling and a ruddy big sob about half an hour ago but most of the day has been fairly OK
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Brian71 on August 24, 2016, 11:10:32 PM
Sounds rather like a mixed day, but tolerable hubby which is good,  I'm at my first counselling session myself on Friday morning,  but I have to travel 18 miles to them, they don't come to the home as some 1 to 1 do, as apparently it's too far away. Will see how it goes before deciding whether I wish to continue with it, as I think I'm coping a little better mentally than I was,  just one small tear session tonight when my daughter was discussing her Mums last minutes on the phone, as she was present when she died.

Today was a very lazy day, never even made my bed, first time I've not done it, so need to make sure that doesn't become a bad habit.   Anyway tomorrows another day and I hope it goes well for you my friend.

Best wishes.....Brian.....  :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on August 24, 2016, 11:49:28 PM
Hubby that's a lovely story,I think I would have liked Margaret,its those endearing things that we miss but at the same time bring a smile. :hug:

Brian my first two counselling sessions were tough and I thought about throwing it in,but in the end I was glad I didn't.I don't know about the dandelions,it depends what you used,I think there is weed killer for lawns that shouldn't kill the grass.
I don't use it at all, I don't mind dandelions flowering because they're a good source of nectar early in the season,soon as the flowers die I mow them so they can't seed and spread.I don't have so much lawn though just a wide path and a circle at the bottom for grandkids to play on, the rest is pond,woodland,fruit trees and veg beds.I love gardening and always feel happier and less alone in the garden than the house.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 25, 2016, 11:07:56 PM
Thanks for the replies.

I had a bit of a meltdown last night. I was actually shouting for Margaret to come into the room because I had a nightmare she had died. For some reason I got it into my head that if I did that she would come in and everything would be sorted. That's got to be taking clutching at straws to a whole new level.

Strangely I've had quite a good day today. Work went well and I dropped in at an aunts house on the way home. I made rump steak, chips and salad for tea and then spent a few hours next door making funny faces with my grandson. I've not cried at all.

There's still my bedtime cry to come but it looks like I'm between waves at the moment.

If your still up Brisn a tip for the counselling tomorrow.  Don't mention any thoughts of taking an easy way out if you have had any. they asked me at my counselling assessment and I mentioned I had as I thought that might be a something that passed through many people's minds following a bereavement (and was something I had already discussed with my doctor). Next thing I know I was being threatened with being sanctioned if I didn't go to see the mental health crisis team!  :huh:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 25, 2016, 11:42:38 PM
Forgot to put something in my update.

One of my jobs today was to shadow someone who services some of our plant. I've worked with him many times in the past and he's a great bloke but it illustrates how little people know about bereavement (or how good my mask is)

When we met he said the usual "Long time no see, where have you been?" pleasantries to which I replied that I had been off work for a while and was on light duties. Of course he pursued this and I told him that I had lost my wife in March. He did the sorry to hear that, how did it happen? Bit and I explained what had got on. We talked for a while about it then he asked a question.

"Do you still miss her?"

I don't want to be that bloke who makrs people feel uncomfortable so I replied "yes I do, it's harder than you'd think" and left it there.

Thing is, before I lost Margaret, that could have been me asking that question.  :rolleyes:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Brian71 on August 25, 2016, 11:59:42 PM
Thanks Hubby,   when you love someone that much for most of your life, and they are suddenly gone,  I'm sure many people who are grieving have those thoughts,  we would not be normal caring people if we didn't.   I have, but they have become less frequent as time passes.  It's unlikely I shall continue with any further counselling meetings.

re: That friend asking  'Do you still miss her' ?  your going be saying YES likely for the rest of your life Hubby,  I cant imagine me being in a place in the future where I would ever be saying NO.

Hope things go well tomorrow for you.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Brian71 on August 26, 2016, 12:00:20 AM
Deleted due to duplicated post.

Anyone else noticing how slow the forum is tonight ?, which is what caused it to post twice as it seemed to hang for ages, after clicking the post button.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on August 26, 2016, 07:55:58 AM
I think that thought goes through many people's minds after a bereavement hubby. I certainly did. It's a shame they panicked like that with you in counselling. It's a 'standard' question in counselling which people should feel comfortable enough to be honest about.  Talking it through could change the chance of someone doing it.  Worries me, as men often dont open up, don't seek help and sometimes do. Xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on August 26, 2016, 06:19:12 PM

Just my swing on the whole mentioning if you plan on doing something after a spouse dies. I'm sure that from their point of view they are scared silly for the 'one' who might try and do something and if they haven't asked for the record and taken action to prevent it, then the employee and the center would be criminally responsible if that person were to succeed. I'm sure they are caring people at counselling but they are also liable and I do agree Hubby that probably most people have at least thought of it even though they are likely too rational to ever do something. You never know how people or help centers will react. Hope you are having a good day.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Brian71 on August 26, 2016, 08:18:18 PM
You are right Jakers, they do have to act if someone mentions they have those dark thoughts, it's what they call 'Duty of Care'   hence why I said 'NO I don't have those thoughts' when I was asked today at my first and only session.   Of course I had them a few times,  when I was at my lowest but only lasted a couple of minutes, and as time has passed they occur less frequently, and lasting mere seconds.  I think I've passed through that danger period, in fact I know I have. 
TBH, I think it's bad enough your children losing their Mum or Dad without giving them double grief.   If we didn't have any children,  (all mine are adults now of course).. then I honestly don't know if I would have done or not, when your in that frame of mind I don't think anyone knows.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 27, 2016, 10:20:21 PM
Thanks for the replies.

They do have a duty of care but I found them to be pretty inflexible even after I told them I had spoken with my GP. Mind you I was doing some pretty deep research into suicide methods at that time. The feelings have started to fade but occasionally resurface with less intensity.

It's another two day usage tonight as I didn't get online last night.

Yesterday was work followed by s night out with my workmates. We all go out once a month on payday and I have missed it for about eight months for various reasons. I nearly didn't go last night but forced myself and I'm glad I did. I got home about 11pm slightly merry and carrying pie and chips from the chippy.

Today was another write off. I stayed in bed till five. I think the rotten weather helped as I would have got up if there were a chance I could have done something outside but I can't face being stuck in the house all day. It's just too quiet and gives me too much time to start thinking about how much fun it used to be.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on August 28, 2016, 08:18:30 PM
 :hug: glad you night out went well.I don't know why it is as there's a myriad of jobs to do inside but I also find it much more motivating to get on with a job outside.
I was thinking this morning how much I,have changed.We had a thunderstorm at 5am I used to be terrified of them,but my only worry this morning was it might wake up the little munchkin who got up at 4 the previous morning,wide awake and ready to play.It didn't,but i actually got up and went outside to watch it,perhaps I,m turning into a cave woman,the cave being somewhere to sleep and shelter,but only really functioning outdoors,better watch out I think they put you away if you get seen storm worshipping in your PJ,s.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 29, 2016, 12:02:38 AM
Thanks Karena.

I think being in the house has too many memories and triggers knocking about. At least when I am outside I can fool myself into a sense of the old normality, almost as if Margaret was in the house waiting for me. When I'm in that option is gone.

Today I did quite well. I made a big cooked breakfast for my daughter and her boyfriend (actually I only did it to get them out of bed) then I went in the garden and did some tinkering around. I had meant to paint but didn't feel up to it.

After that I did a few little jobs in he house before cooking tea for my youngest and her boyfriend while my grandson had me chuckling away with his antics. This week I tried Mexican food, nachos and fajitas but I've decided I don't like it so that will be the last time I cook it.

I did a few more little jobs and my daughters boyfriend resurrected old sparky, my old computer, so now the replacement I bought is just taking up space.  :rolleyes:

I also paid off a debt Margaret owed to one of her friends. The friend said she didn't want the money back but it was playing on my mind so I thought it better to clear it off to tie up another loose end.

No crying today. Just the nightly weep to get me to sleep.

Hope everyone has a good bank holiday 
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on August 29, 2016, 12:21:00 AM
Hi Hubby,

Sounds like a pretty good day even if you didn't like the fajitas (I'm with you on that one) at least you gave something new a try. I agree with paying off debt, even if you doubt yourself sometimes, you are bang on the right track. I hope you have a great week inside or out. I think we need outside as much as possible to get our Vitamin D and the serotonin that we need. I hope you have a wonderful week.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 29, 2016, 10:02:18 PM
Thanks Jakers. I hope you have a wonderful week as well.

Today has been another mainly good day. Bit of a lie in but then I actually got out and got s bit of painting and brickwork repair done. Couldn't really be bothered cooking so it was microwave tea then a bit of tidying up. Not many down moments but I just burst into tears when I came upstairs. Normally that doesn't happen till I'm in bed and have time to start thinking about things.

Still a 90% good day though.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Julie Magson on August 30, 2016, 03:30:31 PM
90% is good Hubby.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on August 30, 2016, 06:08:00 PM
You're right Julie, I think just you saying yourself that 90% shows how you are coming along.  I wish you many more 90's and maybe at some point a 100 although we take what we can get.   :hug:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on August 30, 2016, 10:58:05 PM
Your right. 90% is good but the 10% seems to overshadow all the bearable time making it as if it never happened.

Today was also a 90% day. I spent all day in work painting a very big shipping container with a very small roller but it was out in the sun which was nice. I did tea then went next door to see my grandson who has just learned to crawl today.

I've been pretty angry today for some reason. I had an argument with a van driver on the way into work and another with a shop assistant on the way home. I feel a bit guilty about it. I could have dealt with the situations better but didn't have any time for people making my life any more difficult than it had to be.

Had a major cry when I realised Margarets toothbrush was still in the holder in the bathroom. I cannot believe I had not noticed it there in the past five months. I recovered pretty quickly from it but that will be what I think of when I look back at the day in bed rather than the humdrum stuff which filled most of it.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Julie Magson on August 31, 2016, 05:13:16 PM
I can empathise with the toothbrush- I WAS going to say 'it's the small things isn't it'? But in truth it's the big things as well so I won't say that. How lovely that your grandson is just next door though.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on September 01, 2016, 08:44:29 PM
Thanks Julie. At the moment it seems like he house is filled with booby traps ready to set me off. Some are obvious, so obvious they often have no effect but things like the toothbrush really take me by surprise when I am least able to deal with them.

It's another two day update tonight. I didn't get online last night because I was too tired. I did work in the morning then set off for my counselling session. For the first time in a session I broke down crying and it really took it out if me. When I got home I cooked tea and had a lie down. I decided to go to bed just after 6 but couldn't go to sleep and lay there thinking which set me of wailing again. After an hour I decided to get up again and watched a bit of telly before going back to bed and going straight to sleep.

Today I did work again and a bit of a shop on the way home before tea and more telly. I've had a fair few cries today as well but mainly short ones easy to hide. Maybe the counselling is doing some good at helping me think about things I had been hiding from. Either that or the thought of my meeting with the local NHS trust over Margarets treatment in A&E (Which I found out today has been rescheduled for the end of the month)

I'm having a early night tonight. I want to get a few things done at the weekend rather than hiding in bed like I have done the past few weekends. I have to get loads more outside painting done before winter.

Take care all.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on September 02, 2016, 10:32:35 PM
So much for the early night. I didn't sleep well then slept through my alarm making me two hours late for work.

The day went OK. Plodded on through work, made up the hours I missed. Went home had tea, watched telly, got upset when I came upstairs to bed.

Groundhog Day really. Not much point to anything.  :undecided:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on September 02, 2016, 10:57:12 PM
Hi Hubby,
I think having a few Groundhog Days isn't all that bad. Sometimes non events can make us feel a little normal and give us a chance to catch our breath after all that's happened. Just being able to get uninterrupted sleep is an accomplishment even if you sleep through an alarm lol! At least you were able to make up the time at work. I hope you have a good weekend whatever you do. :)
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on September 03, 2016, 07:20:04 PM
I know it doesn't compare but our dog was my best friend when Keith died,gave me a reason to carry on, made me get up,take charge and kept me company on long nightime walks when i couldnt sleep. I lost him recently and of course was really upset,but apart from the immediate time havnt really cried.but just tried to carry on  being strong. Today I finally put his blanket to wash.Then as I,m going away soon,found my camera switched it on to see if the battery needs charging and up comes a picture of the dog,the last picture I took on my camera,i dont even remember taking it. I spent a good half hour sobbing in the chair hugging the smelly blanket,which was retrieved from the washing pile unwashed.My point is that even though these little surprises come as a shock,perhaps we need them to kick start emotional release that's needed.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on September 03, 2016, 09:04:49 PM
Great words Karena, I think we have things bottled up but when it's ready to come out it does, even if an inappropriate time. I'm still upset about my cat and it's 3-1/2 months on. They leave their mark even if they don't take up much space. I'm sure you have sadness over the dog. They are such good friends to us and don't judge our moods. Have a good day to everyone !
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on September 03, 2016, 11:49:50 PM
Thanks for the replies.

I think perhaps we do sometimes need a little trigger to allow us to release our emotions. We are so used to wearing our masks these little things serve as a reminder that we have to take them off sometimes.

I haven't needed any triggers today. I woke up really missing Margaret and had a good cry before making breakfast. I then managed to go out and buy some stuff for odd jobs around the house and painted the kitchen door. Then I went for s bit of a shop before stopping off at Margarets grave where I had another big cry. Came home and painted the door again and then tea and telly.

It's seeming more and more to me that I am down more at the weekend. That would make sense as I don't have work to get me away from the house and keep me occupied and I feel very lonely when at home. It's not like my home anymore, all the joy has gone.  :cray:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Julie Magson on September 04, 2016, 02:54:42 PM
Yes Hubby- I totally agree. I am at my worst on the weekends. On those two days everything is even more of an effort and I have to force myself to do just ordinary everyday things. I think it's because out of my window I see all couples and families doing weekend things together and I am so jealous of them, see I'm crying just writing this!
On a lighter note- can I ask you how long it takes a windowsill that my son in law painted for me yesterday to dry so that I can put my curtains back up please? It still feels very lightly tacky to me. Hope you don't mind me picking your brains but I'm clueless when it comes to these things.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on September 04, 2016, 10:20:36 PM
If it feels tacky I would leave the curtains down Julie if its gloss it takes a while.

Weekends are difficult,The flip from looking forward too them to dreading them hard to cope with,and as you say happy families everywhere doesn't really make you feel better,then you start disliking yourself for resenting them.

I fill them easily in summer now with the garden  less so in winter.Although last winter I did start cooking for myself,from a recipe book instead of a microwavable carton,which filled a bit of time,and meant I ate better food in the week too.Also took up crochet which I didn't know I could do but takes a surprising amount of time out of a day.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on September 04, 2016, 10:47:25 PM
Thanks for replying.

It depends I the paint but I would leave gloss at least two days to dry. Even when it feels dry on top there can still be patched where the paint is thicker and hasn't fully dried. I use quick drying stuff that's meant to dry in six hours but even that takes well over 24 hours before Anything put in it doesn't sticky I it.

I also feel resentful of other couples. Sometimes I see them arguing with each other about little things and think to myself "don't you know what you've got there and your wasting time with petty squabbles?". Then I remember that that is what me and Margaret were like and that the 'arguments' we're just part of the ongoing banter and never meant anything. In fact just typing that reminds me how much I miss them and has started the tears flowing.  :cray:

Today I woke at half seven, decided it was too early to get up and went back to sleep. Next thing I know it was half past three!

I refitted the kitchen door only to find it no longer closes and I'm going to have to shave a bit off it and paint it again.

My daughter came round with her fiancée and my grandson. He's learned to crawl this week and goes scrambling off at every opportunity laughing his head off so I had s great time. I did posh burgers for tea with big chips and New York cheesecake for afters. I'm getting better at cooking on the fly rather than rigidly following instructions which is just as well as the oven settings don't seem to tally up with what the food makers suggest.

I've spent tonight trying to set up email and stuff on the new PC and old sparky has become the spare PC to be used as a last resort. I think it's going to take me some time to get used to Windows 10 and my new email program.

Take care all. I hope you have good days this week
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Julie Magson on September 05, 2016, 03:33:00 PM
Thank you for the paint tips Karena and Hubby! I'm so glad you had a good time with your family Hubby and the meal sounds delicious!
I was very good yesterday and cooked instead of pinging the microwave - not quite the same though eating alone is it? I have to force myself as my appetite seems to have disappeared and I really can't afford to lose any more weight.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Karena on September 06, 2016, 12:11:14 AM
I remember being upset by couples My first day back at work one of the managers was moaning he and his wife couldn't agree on kitchen cupboard colours,and just wanting to scream at him,it doesn't matter,just let her chose and be grateful sh,s alive,I didn't but I wanted too.Also a couple of women in a charity shop talking and one saying she was glad hubby had decided to stay home,because he always got in the way when she was shopping,again I wanted to yell at her,and didn't,but at least in that situation I was able to walk out.I don't notice it so much now,except in a situation where there couples,then me .Staff Xmas dinner for example,I just feel like a spare part,the leftover bolt from a flatpack.

Julie unfortunately I lost the desire to cook and lost weight initially,but then started comfort eating,and because I wasn't cooking it was all junk,Eating alone is awful,and for me I was so down I didn't think I was worth feeding properly. i never eat in the kitchen but opt for the coffee table and tv,but at lleast cooking gives you back some control of your life,how much bad stuff goes in,and because I don't eat meat veggie choices in microwave meals are limited so nutrition levels were bad,which in turn makes you feel even more unable to cope.My daughter gave me a cook book called the cake the Buddha ate,really simple recipes and not all the trendy unobtainable veggie foods,but it also has writing that makes you think about the food,who would have thought peeling potatoes could be therapeutic,but it can,like the colouring books you teach yourself to focus on that and nothing else for a while.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Jacks on September 06, 2016, 11:07:26 AM
Hubby what a terrible shock for you , I can relate to all the things you have talked about , I too can cry at anything for no reason , I couldn't sort the funeral myself my daughter and son did that for me , I can't talk about it like on the phone having to tell people my husband has died I can't get it out without bursting into tears . I'm sure that with time you and all of us will learn to live without our partners but we will never be the same xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on September 06, 2016, 11:30:54 PM
Thanks for the replies.

I was like you in the early days Julie. Couldn't cope with any paperwork or phone calls but I've got better at it. Ther are a few legal letters I'm meant to sign that I've been putting off bug I'm getting on top of most things.

I know what you mean about eating alone Karena. I cook for my daughter and me now but when she's away I fall back to pinging things in the microwave as I really can't be bothered cooking for myself. Sometimes I replace s meal with crisps and biscuits.  :embarrassed:

I didn't get on the forum last night or rather I did but fell fast asleep with my phone in my hand. I get very tired lately.

Yesterday in work I did s big of my normal job then spent had rest of the day pottering around the depot tidying and making little improvements here and there. I did a big shop on the way home and cooked rump steak and chips for tea. That was dictated by the fact the steak had s best before date of Sunday. Similarly tonight's tea was sausages that were best before yesterday. I need to keep an eye on those dates.

Today work was going pretty well but I took in a little gadget to show someone. It's s little tank with s built in camera that you can control from an iPhone. I was showing a workmate how you can take pictures and video with it when I got to playing back one I had just recorded. When I pressed the playback button it showed a list of videos stored, today's of course but there were others from 2013.

I played them. They were of my dog billy attacking the tank as it drove around the house and were really funny, except one. That one was also billy attacking the camera like the others but in the background Margaret was sitting laughing. There was no sound but it's the only video I've really got where she can be seen clearly.

I walked out of the depot, went to a storage container and cried my eyes out.

I am absolutely delighted that I have thr video but watching it tears me apart. I don't know if there is any way to get if off the phone but I hope I can and that some day I can watch it without the tears flowing.

Take care everyone.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on September 07, 2016, 12:26:21 AM
Hi Hubby,

To be honest, I think it's great that you are falling asleep and if it's without meds, then you are still progressing. Also, some of your teas sound really good. If you make a habit of buying just before the best before date, you'll be sure to eat well. I'm sure none of us would want to waste a good steak or sausage. Hopefully you can find a way to get the video copied so you will have it for the future. It may take a while, but one day you may be able to watch it without crying but those tears still need to flow. It's still not a long time since Margaret died so cut yourself a break.

Hope you have a good sleep and many more of those teas and maybe a cuppa to go with them.


Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Emz2014 on September 07, 2016, 08:57:50 AM
I have an android phone which is easy to transfer videos/photos to a computer via a usb cable. I have quickly googled 'transfer video from iphone' and several threads come up.  Looks like it might be a bit more fiddly but definitely do-able

I think its nice we are able to have videos now, I have a few which I find depends on my mood whether I can watch them.  I backed mine up on the computer and on to DVD too, to avoid any heartache if my computer ever gives up xx
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on September 07, 2016, 10:30:54 PM
Thanks for the replies.

I'm not sure if I can get the videos off the phone. They aren't stored where videos normally are and the only way to get to them is through the app they were made with. My youngest's fiancée is a bit if a whizz with technology so if they can be saved he will be able to do it.

There'd was no fancy tea tonight. I did have gammon and croquettes planned but I went for a few shandies while out walking the dog and when I got in my daughter had already eaten so it was microwave curry for me.

The rest of my day was a day of two halves. Half was OK but in the middle half I got quite upset and I found to be really difficult to hide it. I eventually went into the car park and started shovelling soil around just to be away from the office but the heat took its toll and I ended up back inside still just as upset with the added complication of sweating profusely. I don't really like this muggy weather.

So it's not been a 90% today. Probably a 60/40 split. Not as deeply upset as yesterday but it did take up more of the day.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on September 09, 2016, 11:38:44 PM
Missed last night so its another two dayer.

I've had a tough two days to be honest. Not so much crying but fighting against it nearly all the time. I think its because of the video I found on my phone.

I have tried to work my way through it and, to an extent, its helped but the moment I stop working or travel between jobs I start going downhill fast and its really wearing me out. I stopped in a lay by on my way home and had a little cry then fell asleep there for three hours.

There was no counselling yesterday as the counsellor was off but that worked out OK because I didn't have to break off from work halfway through the day to go.

So two days filled with lots of work and little else.

I've volunteered for on call this weekend in an effort to have some reason to get up and get out of the house but I may not get called. I'm hoping I will pick up over the weekend but cant see it happening particularly as I have been low for the past few weekends.

Hope everyone has some good days
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on September 10, 2016, 02:10:08 AM
Hi Hubby,

Sorry you are still having many lows but you seem to know what to do when you are not coping. Pulling over the car is a very responsible thing to do even if you fall asleep. You are wise in what you do. I know that it's still up and down but I need to keep reminding you (although I'm sure you know), that you are still very deep in your grief.  You are managing fine so remember that. Working is a good thing to do but you have a good balance since you are able to keep grieving through it all. I wish you a good weekend work or no work. Just keep plodding along

Best as always,
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on September 11, 2016, 11:12:50 PM
Thanks Jakers.

You may have guessed by me not posting that yesterday was terrible. Even so I managed to get out with my daughter to a local retail park for an hour or so and bought a playpen to put my grandson in when supervising his crawling becomes tiring.

Today I did a little gardening and the usual Sunday meal for my youngest and her fiancée.

Not the job filled weekend I had planned. Even though I had the weather I just couldn't get started.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on September 12, 2016, 08:04:48 PM
Another bad day today.

I struggled through work. Keeping myself busy didn't work and thoughts of Margaret filled my head the entire day. It was like I was permanently on the edge of tears. When I got home I couldn't hold it in any longer and cooked tea with tears streaming down my face. Thats done the trick though and I feel a little better now.

I'm going to try and relax a bit now. Its an early start tomorrow, I have to be up at 5:30.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on September 13, 2016, 10:26:25 PM
Always when you least expect it  :cry:

Not a bad start to the day. I had quite a well planned day in work. Git up early, picked up a maccies sausage and egg muffin and a coffee on the way in, set up some contractors in a job, met up with the boss and some other lads and dismantled a bit of electrical stuff then off to the depot, stopping off for lunch, where I met the area manager to sort out some improvements to the stores before catching up with some paperwork and then meeting the contractors again to close down the site.

Why do much detail? Well, I was pretty proud if the day. It was productive, got me noticed and, because I was so busy, there wasn't any upset. I felt quite good when I got home and set off to the doctors for my regular appointment.

It was starting to rain so I put my coat on. I havnt worn it for a while and even mentioned that to my daughter in the way out. As I waited at the doctors I put my hands in the pockets and found a handful of forms that looked like prescriptions. I looked at them and thought "They aren't the tablets I'm on?". Then I realised I was holding the list of Margarets medication we had printed off by the doctor in the day she was rushed into hospital. I was called into the doctors and walked in with tears all down my face.  :cray:

Despite this I managed to convince him that, although I still have bad days, I feel OK to resume normal duties at work including night shifts if required and to start weaning me off the Prozac.  :yahoo:

I am getting there. Slowly and with many setbacks but also little milestones.

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: angela33 on September 13, 2016, 11:14:04 PM
Dear Hubby, you are an inspiration!!! Print off yr last post and pin it somewhere so you can read it when the day is dark and difficult. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay for Hubby!!!!
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Brian71 on September 13, 2016, 11:20:27 PM
Good to hear you are slowly moving forwards Hubby....well done!
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Soleil on September 13, 2016, 11:31:58 PM
Well, like the others, I'll just nod my head and say, Cheers and you have sound judgement on your day, may it continue along.

Blessings   :hug: and a  :coffeetoast:

Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on September 15, 2016, 12:22:28 AM
Thanks for the words of support.

Today wasn't so productive in work. The contractors turned up two hours late which threw all my plans into disarray. I only had time for a thirty minute visit to the depot before I had to leave for my counselling session.

The counselling was very upsetting today. I realised had been concentrating on Margarets secret debts so much I hadn't even gone over in my mind the events leading up to her death. I had been meaning to get them all down on paper before my meeting with the local NHS trust but kept putting it off as I find thinking about it too difficult. When I mentioned this to my counsellor they suggested I might go through it. I immediately got very upset just thinking about it and it was a good five minutes before I could even start to talk about it.

When I did start talking the floodgates opened. I could only talk about events in the day she collapsed. Everything after that is a blur. I believe it will help me to go through those days as I have been blanking them out completely. If I don't face them head on, as upsetting as it may be, I won't be able to move on. I only talked about it for about ten minutes and I may have missed parts out. It's very difficult to recall everything and get it in the right order.

That was the beginning of the session and the rest if it was spent winding down. I did actually feel a lot better for letting it out but I felt a bit daft blubbering in front of someone like that. If Joe the carpenter wanted us to air our grief in public surely he wouldn't have put doors on our bedrooms.

I had to go back to work afterwards but I had a few hours spare before the contractors finished with nothing I could do so I sat on a bench in the City Centre. I was surprised at the number of people who struck up a conversation with me. There was a woman who was upset because her benefits had been stopped, a man who lost his wife last year, another woman who's daughter had just emigrated. Listening to their stories I realised they were all lonely, just like me.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: pennyking on September 15, 2016, 08:55:42 AM
Everyone has their own story.  We don't know what others are going through just like others don't know what your going through.  Hope today is a better day for you.  Take care. X
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on September 15, 2016, 10:09:59 PM
Thanks pennyking. That's very deep thinking.

I did quite well in work today. The contractors were late again but I managed to set them up then get back to the depot and build three bays of industrial racking in a shipping container. The sun was beating down on it and it was like an oven in there. I wouldn't be surprised if I've lost a couple of pounds or whatever they call them nowadays.

I'm still very forgetful. I remember while I was putting my boots on before going out this morning thinking that I had to take a wedge of legal documents into work to get someone to countersign. Of course I left them in the house. Then in work I printed off a letter for my doctor and when I got home realised I had left it on the desk. I've also had to make three trips this week to pick up a clipboard full of plans I left on site when I finished work.

I did a shop on the way home and then had a relaxing evening doing not a lot.

I did have a cry when I went upstairs for a wash before bed but the bathroom is where we found Margaret collapsed so that's always going to bring back bad memories. One day I will redecorate it so it isn't such a trigger.

Hope everyone else had good days.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: angela33 on September 15, 2016, 10:37:42 PM
I'm still very forgetful Hubby - the same kind of things as you - leaving documents on the worksurface which I was supposed to take with me etc etc. Often forget things I've told someone and end up like my elderly Dad (RIP) who would tell me the same story five or six times in the course of an hour - always made me laugh though as he told the story with all the enthusiasm of the first time.  Just hope I'm not having to face the onset of Alzheimers as well as grieving!
If you look back at some of your earlier posts Hubby I'm sure you will see that you are making progress and finding your way, even though some days are still total crapola! Its seeing that in small ways in myself and in others that keeps the flame of hope alive.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on September 18, 2016, 12:37:14 AM
Thanks for the reply Angela.

I certainly am moving forward slowly but still have setbacks, some longer than others.

Yesterday I remembered the paperwork and got it all signed and ready for posting. I had an easy day in work. The contractors actually turned up on time and finished an hour early which gave me a bit of extra time to myself. Bit of a disaster with tea. I got some chicken drumsticks and one of those bags with spices and stuff that you cook them in. Despite following the instructions to the letter after an hour in the oven they were still raw  in the middle. I ended up going freestyle and giving them another 40 minutes at s higher temperature. I was starving by then and would have eaten them even if they were still raw but they were cooked fine.

Today I actually managed to get up in the morning and got a bit of painting done outsede. It was slow work because the brickwork isn't the best and there's a lot of books and crannies to brush the paint into.

I've had a few good sobs today. There weren't any triggers. Just random feelings of loneliness and longing. Fortunately they only lasted about ten minutes then I could get myself together again and carry on. I have also 'talked' to Margaret a lot today as I was up my ladder.  :huh:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on September 18, 2016, 09:18:44 PM
No crying yet today. Ove been thinking about Margaret but mainly happy memories.

Managed to get up albeit at 11 after a lie in. Got outside and cleared the gutters ready for winter (you would be surprised how much moss I managed to dig out). I did a little painting then set about cooking tea for my youngest daughter and her fiancée. I did a full dinner today, Roast chicken and all the trimmings. I did forget the stuffing but everything was ready at the same time and I'm quite proud of my success.  :yahoo:

My grandson is coming along in leaps and bounds. Hesbeencrawling for about ten days and has really got the hang of it. His smile and laughter really brightens the day.

I'll have a little weep at beftime no doubt but this weekend has definitely been better than the past few.

I hope he rest of you are having good days.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Brian71 on September 18, 2016, 10:06:38 PM
Pleased to hear you had a good day Hubby...well done,  that meal sounded delicous.   I'm on a diet so just 1 crumpet for breakfast and,  and a slice of bread and butter with a small tin of red salmon for tea.

Today's not been too bad for me either,  I managed to finally get the freezer defrosted without any disasters,  and mainly did the hoovering right through, and dusted and polished the furniture, and did my weekly wash, and ironed a few shirts.   I was out most of yesterday,  having driven down to Oxford for a Linux meetup we have occasionally (bit like a computer show),  had a pub meal on way home last night arriving back about 9.30,  so overall not too bad a weekend with no tears so far,  probably because Its been quite a busy weekend I suppose.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Hubby on September 19, 2016, 02:45:33 PM
Thanks Brian.

I've had a day that is rapidly going downhill. It is six months practically to the minute that I walked down the ward in ICU, found the consultant and said the hardest two words I have ever had to say in my life ...

"We're ready"

... we weren't. How can you ever be ready to watch someone you love take their last breath?

Now I'm sitting in my van outside the depot in floods of tears. I'm reliving that final hour in my head, minute by minute and it's difficult. Very difficult. I'm probably going to be sat in the van here for a long time.

This thread is very long now and six months is s bit of a milestone. I hoping it's a new stage in my journey. With that in mind I will open a post called 'Six months' later to continue my story and put this one to bed.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Brian71 on September 19, 2016, 04:17:45 PM
I relive my wife's last day and final hours too, very often,  I frequently go over in my mind the circumstances that lead to her death.

I've been informed the formal investigation they are doing which has taken 5mths so far is nearing it's conclusion,    If it prevents it happening to just one person again it will have been worth all the time and research I've put into it.   They are sending a copy to me before I have the meeting with them. It may also give me some closure, and afterwards is anyone's guess, a day at a time I suppose.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: angela33 on September 19, 2016, 06:22:27 PM
Brian I feel so sad that you have this additional load to carry - as if the loss of your wife wasn't enough, you are having to go through official procedures which continually keep the memories of the NHS' negligence open and raw. It is generous of you to think that your experience may help others in the future, but dreadful that it should happen at all.  I had a difficulty with staff behaviour and responses when John had his heart attack and subsequent brain damage while waiting in a side ward to be admitted to the respiratory unit. He spent 3 days in ICU after CPR (who were magnificent in their care and service) but when they reduced the levels of sedation, it was confirmed that there were no responses whatsoever from his brain, so was effectively brain dead. I was offered the option of him being kept 'alive' by machinery which would basically just be pumping oxygen into his lungs, but was warned that he could not stay in ICU indefinitely and could end up on a ward somewhere within the hospital and so would not receive the level of care he received in ICU.  So his sister and I had the dreadful decision to make to let him die peacefully and in his own times.  They did in fact provide a quiet and apparently pain and distress free condition for John by use of pain relief and sedation, so as his sister and I sat each side of him and watched his breathing gently slow, we comforted ourselves with the thought that he was in no distress. But that was when ours started.  I thought briefly about challenging the staff behaviour on the side ward, but really had no evidence and felt it would not benefit myself, John or any others, so tried to let my memories of my concerns go. Not easy in the dark hours though.
So Brian, all strength to you as you go through these hard times and painful memories.
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Brian71 on September 19, 2016, 09:09:29 PM
Thank you Angela,  I wish I could say my wife's death was also peaceful and she slowly slipped away,  but it wasn't, she had an agonizing death,  gasping for every breath,  she could not breath, their oxygen supply delivers  a maximum of 15ltrs a minute and in the final hour it was not enough, it was only in the final minute when they quickly gave her a very large dose of morphine did she stop struggling, as she kept trying to rip the mask from her face.   My daughter was with her, and she told me it was agonizing to watch Dad,  the staff had asked me to leave "saying you have been here all night Brian, go and get yourself a coffee as we need to wash and change your wife's clothes"  They sent someone down to get me but in the 20mins I was downstairs she passed away before I returned... I was absolutely livid,  I had stayed with her every single night and I was not there when she actually died. :cry:
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: angela33 on September 19, 2016, 10:12:27 PM
This forum is a place for our rants and howling at the moon Brian. Probably one of the few places we can really let go so no apologies needed. We can listen to you here and understand how bad it all feels. Hug to you and real sympathy
Title: Re: Four days
Post by: Lilian on September 22, 2016, 11:03:01 PM
Dear Brian71, when my father was dying my mum was with him in the hospice day and night but of course she had to leave his bedside sometimes. The nurses said to her don't be surprised if he goes while you are absent as it often happens that way. I stayed with my mum day and night at her end too but she died when I stepped outside while they washed her. The nurses hastily called me back in when it happened and later said I was actually there for her last breath but I'm not sure if I was or they were just being kind. There is so much that we don't know and I find that strangely comforting.