Bereavement Support Posts => Introduce Yourself To Us All => Topic started by: Evab on December 08, 2018, 03:09:52 PM

Title: Lost my husband of 30 years
Post by: Evab on December 08, 2018, 03:09:52 PM
Hi, my husband died last Monday after only a 3 month fight with the most awful disease, pancreatic cancer which had invaded the liver. Although he had been ill and visited the doctors and even had an mri scan 18 months ago, nothing was found until september 1st, when it was far too far advanced to offer anything but palliative care. The reason I am posting is that his last months were not easy, he was always a very driven person, always doing and rushing around and expecting everyone else to be the same. When he got the diagnosis, he was in complete denial and started taking things apart around the house, the kitchen, the shower, pipes and tools everywhere (most are left half done). I know he had the best of intentions and was so determined to do things, but in the end all it has left me with is a memory of a horrendous 3 months, between trying to support him but not encourage him, to nursing him (which was really hard), seeing him in the last stages but still in denial, and finally getting a call at 4 am in the morning. I feel so guilty that the memories I have are not good ones, but also scared of the future without all his practicality, no nonsence go ahead attitude. He never let anything beat him... but this thing he could never win. Sometimes I come across an item that stabs me like a knife thru the heart. Some things in the fridge I bought to tempt his failing appetite. His writing in a notebook, telling me when the trim the fruit trees! His socks in the washing machine. I wish I had memories of laughter, shared moments, hugs and chats, but I don't and yet I feel so so so alone. My daughter and son in law don't really understand why I am so upset/scared/hurting as all they saw was the shouting, and I understand that completely... but life just isn't that simple.
Title: Re: Lost my husband of 30 years
Post by: Emz2014 on December 08, 2018, 10:30:26 PM
Sending you a welcome hug  :hug:
Its hard to remember happy memories at the beginning, but they do return.  At the beginning it is normal to feel fearful. Hope you find the forum a comfort xx
Title: Re: Lost my husband of 30 years
Post by: Changed on December 09, 2018, 10:04:37 AM
Hi Evab
I identify so much with your post.  My husband died 5 weeks ago and was also a very positive driven man who always did everything in the house, decorating, plumbing, electrics and never let things defeat him. 
He died of Acute Myeloid Leukaemia only 3.5 weeks after diagnosis and two months of being so ill but refusing to see a doctor as he was convinced hed get over it. He had never had any real health problems and this diagnosis came as a tremendous shock and made him both frightened and angry.  My memories are so so painful watching him and feeling so helpless.
One of my last memories is him telling me to shut up when I was trying to prevent him climbing out of bed in the early hours as he was so weak I knew he would fall.

I feel very guilty saying this but I am so envious of people who have lost their husbands suddenly while they still looked and sounded like themselves and dont have these awful pictures in their heads.
I wish you all the very best   
Title: Re: Lost my husband of 30 years
Post by: Sandra61 on December 09, 2018, 11:17:10 PM
Hello Evab,

So sorry to hear of your loss. I know it's not the same, but yours and Changed's husbands sound a lot like my dad. He could do everything and did! He died in 1985 after suffering a couple of heart attacks over the space of a few months. It was a terrible blow to me and my mum, who always depended on him so much for so many things. He left a huge hole in our lives and I still miss him now. I found myself here after also losing my mum a little over a year ago and now I find it all the harder to deal with all the practicalities of life on my own.

I am sorry, but not so surprised to hear that you are not finding much support from your family. I have found that, over the last year or so, I have found the least support from those from whom I might have expected to get the most support and that instead, I have found it in those I would not have expected it from. It certainly surprises you and teaches you a lot about those you thought you knew well.

I think you said your daughter and son-in-law don't seem to understand, but it could be, in the case of your daughter at least, that she is having her own difficulties dealing with the loss of her father. Be patient with one another. Keep talking and eventually, it will get a little easier.

I know what you mean about finding odd little bits and pieces around that upset you. It was years before I could bring myself to sort through my dad's tools and clear put his workshop, just because they were such a big part of my memory of him. Just yesterday, I looked in a bag and found my mum's gloves and headscarf that she wore when it started to get cold. It took me by surprise and upset me to find them so unexpectedly, just to realise that she would never need them anymore. It's all so hard!

Be gentle with yourself and just take it a day at a time. Remember to eat and drink, otherwise just do whatever helps for now.
Sending hugs...