Author Topic: How will I cope with this?  (Read 328 times)

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Offline Dibsy

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Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #15 on: June 22, 2019, 04:12:32 PM »
I am finding it really difficult to manage day to day after all that has happened. All the arrangements have now been completed and we had such a lovely service with many friends and family attending. The one big problem I have is that various family members of my partner are causing so many problems, people we have not seen for years and years stating what they want etc. All I want is some peace and quiet to settle down and try to get some sanity back after all that has happened. How do you deal with this? I've never known anything like it and it is pulling me down. My partner never had any time for his family which I always used to think was very sad but now I can understand why. The stress of this is really getting to me now and I dread the 'phone ringing. I just keep referring them to the Solicitors but this doesn't seem to deter them.

Offline Karena

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Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #16 on: Today at 10:56:32 AM »
 :hug: at times like this you certainly get the full meaning of what "crawled out of the woodwork" means.
With some people.Its easy to see how with busy and full lives we loose touch with people and that time passes quicker than we know until suddenly it has been years and for some the reality of that doesnt hit until its too late to make that contact -
 for others - well there are just some people out there who are really mean spirited ghouls i,m afraid.

All you can do is keep reffering them back - tell them you are not in a position to deal with anything - nothing can be taken from the estate until probabte has been granted.

I moved house so my home phone number changed and actually i only have one at all now because i had to pay landline rental to get the internet  and sometimes companys demand one i never answer it because the people i do want to speak too know to ring my mobile,if they are not in my contacts list i dont answer that either, (its usually sales/begging calls if not they will ring back. If they are in my contacts list, then i can decide whether i want to answer it or not,it goes to answer machine and if they dont leave a message (and most people dont) then i dont get back too them either.So maybe that is one route you could consider expecially for the persistant ones you dont want to speak too, they will then have to phone your solicitor and he/she can decide whether it is something you should be contacted over (put your solicitors number on your contacts list too) i dont know whether home phones do that now if you dont want to go down that route maybe there is a home phone handset that will do the same.?

Maybe i sound a bit harsh and i am not mean spirited normally but of course you need some peace and some time to start to heal yourself,and you need to give yourself priority over them when it seems their priority isnt concern for you but something so much more negative. :hug:   

Offline Dibsy

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Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #17 on: Today at 11:25:36 AM »
Thank you for your reply.  I had a really awful weekend but today have received some really nice cards thanking me for the service and saying how much they knew I meant to my partner. Just these cards seemed to put it into some sort of perspective so now I am putting negative issues to the back ground and trying to ignore them and dwelling on the positive ones where people have been so good to me at this difficult time. I have had caller display put on, I have also now made a list of the numbers I am accepting, and also have found call barring. I have such awful anxiety at the moment with moods going up and down, a lot caused by unwanted phone calls and I really don't like doing this with the phone but I just can't cope any other way.

Offline Karena

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Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #18 on: Today at 02:56:38 PM »
 :hug: you shouldnt be having to put up with that kind of behaviour but i am glad that others have made up for it. :hug:

Offline The Laird Of Glencairn, Scotland

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Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #19 on: Today at 03:37:39 PM »
Sad to hear your having problems with the "family" I am still getting it nearly 18 months after Ruth died, and yes they do crawl out of the woodwork like Karen says, its bad enough when you lose someone close but having to put up with money grabbers who seem to think they are owed something is pretty bad and when they don't get what they want they slag you off online etc, I got so much aggro that i started questioning myself as to did i do enough to save her and what if i missed something due to me being puddled as they describe me....I still cannot sleep due to flashbacks and having no answers......they even said why didn't i insist on an autopsy to prove what killed her.......apparently the doctor who treated her should have asked me if i wanted one and I cannot remember much due to shock.....its too late now but an autopsy might have shown what really killed her.
I have been trying to keep my mind occupied making stuff in my workshop at all hours of the day just to stop me thinking as i don't want to go into a downhill spiral with depression etc as Rory needs me.....i do think that it only been Rory that's stopped me joining her but as you will know its a real struggle to try and keep going.
I do hope you can get some peace from the vultures and don't agree to anything your not ok with as its easy to just give and hand over valuables etc.
I haven't been on here for quite a while and one of the reasons is i don't know how to react to people who have lost someone and i feel like it not my place to be advising anyone again due to being told constantly i am useless..I don't think i am that bad but they do get to ya at times.
Anyway best sod off now before i start rambling and best wishes to everyone........there is light at the end of the tunnel so they say but it takes its time to get there.
Bye
x

Offline Dibsy

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Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #20 on: Today at 08:56:36 PM »
Good Evening Laird,
I was very pleased to read your advice, it's difficult without a sounding board and far from being useless, you have given me such good advice which I very much appreciate especially not agreeing to anything or handing anything over as I did waver a bit. It is a struggle to go on but communicating with people like you in this forum you realise you are not alone, it helps so much you all understand what it is like. Eighteen months is a long time you having to put up with this. The online comments have also started but I'm not reading them any more, only upsets me. After the service, asking about a Will, not even asking what led up to his death or seen him for ten plus years. I'm trying to keep busy as sleep is a problem and have even been wall papering at midnight to stop thinking. I too keep thinking if I could have done more, but I think if you were to go back into the circumstances at the time, you probably would have made the same decisions. The shock is so horrendous and you are out of your normal environment and hind sight is a wonderful thing.  At least because I have sorted the phone out that has made a difference for me. I do hope you find some peace of mind soon and thank you again for your reply. (I do like the picture of the dog.)

Offline The Laird Of Glencairn, Scotland

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Re: How will I cope with this?
« Reply #21 on: Today at 10:54:10 PM »
Glad some of my rambling helped a bit, your right about all the lovely people on here we are all in a club that none of us would ever want to join, in the past i had never experienced anything like grief like this even though i lost lots of biker mates and my Dad died when i was 9 and my Mum died in 2016 and due to me having mega anxiety/panic attacks i couldn't even go to the funeral plus we had been expecting it for a long time....with my wife she was perfectly fit and then 24hrs later died with no proper explanation and that was the first time i had driven my car in 10 years that night but it just feels so blank very strange feeling but as soon as i try to sleep its back again and as clear as day. All her personal stuff including jewellery etc are are locked in a safe and will stay there forever.
18 months feels like 18 days at time, i received xmas/birthday/valentine cards from someone posing as her.....also got a book called "Be More Assertive" and also a noose last christmas (at the funeral someone who i had never met came upto me shook my hand and said "maybe if you had been more assertive we wouldn't be here today" nice person, they are referring to the fact i had been having trouble with anxiety etc so struggled to communicate with strangers face to face and they think i didn't try hard enough to help her. We don't need people like them in our lives its them who have a slate loose but it still gets to ya at times. One thing i have found it when trying to organise stuff in the home like insurance bills etc as all these need changing and name's on accounts have to be changed it works easier if you get a A4 sized diary/planner and lay all the paperwork on the kitchen table get a coffee and go down the list one at a time and eventually its organised which is one worry sorted....people grieve in many different ways and some people have made comments about me not sitting crying all day or you mustn't be too upset as your always chatting to women online......the women online were a mixture a my sisters, the dog sitter, the dog groomer and a couple of friends i have met on here who have helped greatly over the last 18 months.....I am upset all the time but how am i supposed to live if i cannot go to the shops due to depression etc I still little Rory to look after and my wife would always say the pets come first so that what i am doing....nobody new me in the village as i was a recluse for years but the funeral was amazing and full of lovely people i had never met but turned out to be from all the other farms around here who my wife chatted to over the years....i try and go out every day and even chat to a few of them that recognise me now so i am improving but its bloody hard at first. You mention doing wallpapering at midnight lol i have done painting and carving after midnight when i cannot sleep and i know a few people one here will agree with ya about wandering after dark....I love Owl spotting and i know Karen and Emz do the same....makes ya feel like a vampire only going out after dark lol  it all helps us cope. Many people on here gave me advice about blocking peoples calls and emails and it does help........we may never be the same as before but in time we will all live again. I would say one of my main problems that i do is when things are really getting to me i try and hide away which is what i have been doing most of this year and its mainly because i didn't have anything positive to say to people and i didn't want to be a new Victor Meldrew and be a miserable sod all the time...i like to try and cheer people up if i can but if ya spot me rambling feel free to tell me to shut my cakehole i won't be offended lol
Good luck for the future and you will sort things out....glad ya like Rory he's a cheeky little dog but keeps me sane'ish lol.