Author Topic: Donít really feel anything  (Read 260 times)

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Offline caroleb

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Donít really feel anything
« on: March 06, 2019, 09:11:40 PM »
Hi all,

My husband died on 11th February this year and although I was devastated at the time, now I really donít have much emotion at all. I havenít cried at all and I just feel like Iím going through the motions of living. I canít be bothered doing anything although I have sorted all the important stuff out like bank accounts etc. I know that everyone grieves differently but Iím just frightened that Iím sub consciously keeping it all at bay and that itíll hit me like a ton of bricks and I wonít be able to cope. It wasnít easy caring for him and part of me is relieved I donít have to do it anymore which I know is probably a natural reaction but it makes me feel like the worst person in the world. Anyway I hope that everyone is doing the best they can at the moment.

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Donít really feel anything
« Reply #1 on: March 07, 2019, 10:07:10 AM »
Hello Carol,

Don't worry. I don't think you are being hard-hearted at all. This sounds familiar to me. My mum died in hospital and I had been her carer. She had had a heart condition and various other illnesses that meant we were often at the doctor's or at hospital appointments. All I felt once she died was relief. At least she wasn't suffering anymore and although it felt odd not to have to be going to all the appointments afterwards, I am glad I don't have to do it now too. It doesn't mean you are at fault at all or being unkind. I think this is perfectly normal. It was a strain to have to do all the things you now don't have to, so it natural to feel some relief about this.

You say you were devastated at the time, so you probably did cry then. It is actually good if you are not crying so much now. We cannot go on like that indefinitely. It doesn't mean you are unemotional though. You say you are going through the motions and can't be bothered doing anything. This in itself shows that you are still emotional, just in a different way. This too is a natural state of grief and one that I also recognise. You are missing your husband and this is how it is showing itself in you at present. You have to be on autopilot for a while to sort out the practical problems and that takes your attention and now you have done that, you have time to grieve and feeling like you can't be bothered to do anything is one demonstration of that. Grief isn't only expressed by tears.

You may find it hits you from time to time and that tears may still fall sometimes. About six months after I lost my mum, I did have a week when I went into complete meltdown and cried loads and felt like I couldn't cope and didn't know what to do. I was in a panic, but it passed and now I have good days and bad ones, sometimes feeling OK and sometimes not and sometimes thinking I'm OK and then finding something knocks me back unexpectedly and I find I am not, despite thinking I was. So it is a rollercoaster and what you describe sounds quite normal to me. I am sure we are not alone.

Just go on taking it a day at a time and don't be so hard on yourself. You may feel guilty for not outwardly showing how broken all that has happened still leaves you, but no one can live in that phase indefinitely and it doesn't mean you have stopped caring, missing or loving your husband or stopped grieving. It is just a normal stage of grief. It will change and vary as time goes on, but grief never really leaves you; you just learn to live with it and this is one phase you go through. What you are experiencing is quite normal and stems from missing the person you have lost. Sending you a hug, Carol  :hug:

Offline Karena

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Re: Donít really feel anything
« Reply #2 on: March 07, 2019, 11:26:23 AM »
 :hug: I too recognise going through that  - it isnt bottling it up so much as being drained i think, and yes being afraid that if you let go you will lose the plot and never stop crying - i banned alcahol from my life as well - because i feared it would make me let go, and that if i  started drinking i would never stop that either.

After they die, there is shock even if we know they are going too, - then all the funeral and paperwork and stuff forces us to recover and get on with stuff - and in a way while we are doing that, we are still caring for them - they still are behind us doing all of those things - then suddenly its done - there really is nothing left to do in that caring role - everyone else around you goes back to their life -but you cant go back to yours -and when yours was caring for some-one its very difficult to know what your role is anymore - caring for yourself is something you have to learn.

I went back to work and worked on autopilot, but that and my dog were the only things that got me out of bed - I couldnt be bothered to cook, or do my hair, didnt care about my clothes or the house ( i had to move and literally lived in one room surrounded by boxes and furniture stayed stacked in another - and if i did get hungry i would open a tin and eat out of it with a spoon.)

I distinctly remember setting off to walk to work one morning  and  looking down the hill to the main street and people were going about their lives and i felt i was seeing everything through a mist but i was invisible, i actually questioned in my mind whether it was me that had died not him and in that case he was alive if only i could see him and make sure he was ok everything would be fine  - sounds a bit mad now - but in a sense, i was half right, the person i had been - the me that i knew had died.

I also had the most awful dream that he was ill and bizarely lying on a bed in the cellar - and i was going to a party and i left him there - the dream then moved to me getting back from the party and finding he had died - and i think that was the guilt the things i couldnt put together while awake were trying to sort themselves out while i was asleep - the party represented getting  a life back  ( i dont actually and never have been a party person) and forgetting about him. I hadnt forgotten about him of course, but had become an emotional void.

In the end it was the garden that got me going because we had loved the garden so much where we were before, and i wanted to re-create it in the new place as a tribute to him, and looking back i recognize  that at that point i had gone back to him being my biggest motivation - if i couldnt live life for myself i would live it for him and be his eyes on the world - and of course that came with a lot of emotions -  i was doing all this stuff for him but he wasnt physically here and wouldnt know - but on the other hand maybe he would and if we ever met in a different realm then the conversation - what did you do after i left was going to be very short if the answer was i did nothing - at this point i was looking at belief systems and  quantum physics and concluded if i could believe in one theory i shouldnt dismiss any of the others and even if there was never to be that meeting i had nothing to lose.
 
I realised eventually  i had to change the bond beween us but without breaking it, because i just couldnt do that, i still havnt and have no desire too, but now i think of him as sharing the special moments, laughing with me or at me, tutting when i do something daft, i find myself  seeking in my heart what his opinion or advice would be on something either major things  or things  as minor as dealing with a vehicle break down, solving a DIY problem or what sized screwdriver to use.  - but in learning to live life for him  am living my life for myself as well now, but its a long slow and bumpy journey and it involves not only learning to be a carer of yourself but having patience with yourself.

This place helps because not only can we express what is happening just by the physical act of writing which alone can help us make sense of our emotions in our own heads, but we are all on some stage of the same journey and so we try to hold out a hand too each other - we will be here for as long as you need us. :hug:

Offline caroleb

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Re: Donít really feel anything
« Reply #3 on: March 07, 2019, 11:44:20 AM »
Thank God for people like you both. I feel so reassured reading both your posts thank you. I am hard on myself I know that, several people have said that Kenny was able to stay at home because of me and I know that is true but I still believe I could have done better but I suppose that is natural. Yes it is difficult learning to look after myself, itís just strange. I do feel that I am different from other people now although I acknowledge that no one knows what is truely going on in other peopleís lives and I got angry with my brother when he said I had suffered too much - there are loads of people who have suffered and continue to suffer a hell of a lot more than me. I count my blessings frequently.

I had quite an experience today. I got Kennyís ashes back and had picked them up to move them to another room when a little white feather floated down beside me and landed on top of the casket! I do believe that there is more to this world than we can see or even begin to contemplate so I take that little feather as a sign that Kenny is still trying his best to support and love me. I am sorry if that offends anyone I know that it is such a sensitive subject but it has helped me.

One day at a time it is. I will try my best because that is what he did.

Thank you again so much xxxx

Offline Karena

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Re: Donít really feel anything
« Reply #4 on: March 07, 2019, 12:55:32 PM »
 :hug: i believe it too,
White feathers were a big part of me establishing that belief in something When i was in the process of moving i had already had a few arrive  and people saying what their significance was, but i was always hopeful rather than convinced after all they could have blown in, etc etc  - it wasnt logical to think anything else - I had a carpet fitted - the carpet fitter left - there wasnt a cushion or a stick of furniture in that room just the carpet -i looked at the carpet - as you would,  then in my head, but adressing him  i said ok then, if it really is a message leave a feather right there on the carpet -I  shut the room door locked up and left  laughing at myself - surely i really was mad and dismissed the idea  - went back with some boxes the next day with a freind- put them down in the kitchen before opening the lounge door to show her the carpet  and there it was smack in the middle of the new carpet where i had pointed at.
Now logic dictates that it is more logical to believe than not - it could have come down the chimney of course but did it do that, not get stuck on the ledge nor  in the soot but floated down then magically a puff of air in a closed room picked it up so it didnt land in the grate, but across the room onto the carpet.

Offline caroleb

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Re: Donít really feel anything
« Reply #5 on: March 07, 2019, 01:42:47 PM »
That is astonishing Karena! It does make you think. I will try to have an open mind and an open heart, who knows what will happen. Take care xxx

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Donít really feel anything
« Reply #6 on: March 07, 2019, 11:46:50 PM »
Yes. This feather theory was a new one on me too and one I only looked into after my mum had died and I had found a few since then.

I believe in an after-life anyway, but shortly after mum died, I got a terrible shock one night when I went into the kitchen and found some creature running across the floor! I was terribly upset. It turned out an air vent had rusted away at ground level and that was how the mole (as it turned out to be) had got in, but at the time I was terribly upset and frightened. Next day, when I got up and went into the living room, I found a white fluffy feather on the floor. It certainly hadn't been there the night before and I have since found another identical one right by the gate, when I was going out and had to drive a long way and was feeling apprehensive about it.

Then just last week, I was feeling rather down and just before I went to bed, I asked my mum and dad for another feather, just to reassure me that they were still around and to make me feel less alone. Next morning, as I was making tea in the kitchen, a robin flew into my conservatory, perched on the edge of a bowl and just sat there looking at me for about three minutes. I feel sure he was sent by my mum and dad to say hi! I have heard that robins often do show up as a sign that a loved one is still thinking of you and I had not seen that robin before nor since. I have never had a bird fly into the conservatory before either, so I am sure this was a sign and it did bolster my spirits! I asked for a feather, instead I got a whole bird! So keep an eye out for those feathers, Carol! :hearts:
« Last Edit: March 07, 2019, 11:48:49 PM by Sandra61 »

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Donít really feel anything
« Reply #7 on: March 08, 2019, 08:14:23 AM »
Im often finding feathers - a few times when I've been traveling & unsettled a white feather is often at my feet. Ive had other strange things too  :hug: xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline caroleb

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Re: Donít really feel anything
« Reply #8 on: March 08, 2019, 08:22:00 AM »
Amazing. Actually talking of birds there was a bird of prey in our garden a couple of days before Kenny died. Really unusual. There were definitely signs that his time was drawing near. Thanks all, hope you are doing ok.