Author Topic: Hello  (Read 246 times)

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Offline Aure

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Hello
« on: March 10, 2019, 11:43:25 PM »
Hello.

My name is Aure, I am 27 and to be honest I wish I had no story to tell.

I decided to come here because I have no one to talk to. Well, I have friends, my mom and my sister. And my fiancé's family is really supportive and caring. I am staying with them at the moment and They do their best to make me feel comfortable and keep me busy.
And I don't want to be rude to anyone who is trying to help me but I know that the only person who could help me is not here anymore.
I don't know how to explain what happened and how I feel, I feel lost at the moment and don't understand why it happened, why he is not here anymore, simply why it happened to him.
I lost my fiancé's a month ago while we were visiting my family in Belgium and attending my best friend's wedding. On the way back, my fiancé got lost and lost his life in the river right behind my family house.
I don't know what to say, we had an amazing day together, laughing, dancing and stealing ideas for our own wedding that we were planning. And two days after, I am with his mom, choosing a coffin.
Since then, I feel lost and hopeless. I lost my home, my family, because we were considering ourselves a family with our dog. I quit my job and I decided to leave the Uk after the funeral. I met him just after arriving in the UK, 2 years and a half ago and we became instant friends then we realised we were made for each other. We moved in together and adopted our puppy, we were planning our wedding and wanted to be married in late 2019 or 2020. 
We were dreaming of traveling the world and live in Australia one day.


I can not realise or accept what happened. I still believe I am in a nightmare and I am going to wake up and he will be next to me, smiling.
I feel awful but at some moment I wish we never met. I can't stop thinking that if we never met he would never have this accident. Or if I was looking for him in the right place I could have saved him. I was looking for him in the wrong place and I feel stupid and awful for not finding him.
Every day I wish I could take his place or join him as soon as possible.

We were so happy together and I am mad about the situation. I don't understand why it happened to him, why we are not allowed to have the happy life we wanted and grow old together.

I can not express how I feel and no one understands how I feel at the moment. It hurts that I have no one to understand. People are trying to comfort me when I cry and say "don't worry you will have another boyfriend one day", which does not help. He was the one I wanted to grow old and live with, I can not replace him like a kid would replace a toy he lost.
To keep me busy, I am trying to find a new job, and it breaks my heart every time I need to pick "single" and not "living with a partner" on some application forms. Because I am not single. For me, our relationship did not end because he is no longer here.

I am frustrated that people don't get how I feel, they assume I will move on and continue my life like before I met him. But no, everything is different now. I have lost my family, the family we created. We were a "We", and from now for my future neighbours I will just be the crazy woman who lives with her dog.
And to be honest, I am really scared, thinking about the day I will have a place to live again. I will need to learn to go to bed and then wake up with no one on my side, to cook (because he was the one in charge of cooking in our family), to take care of the dog on my own, to watch a film alone, to come home and have no one to talk to.

I am sorry if my story is not well written or if it is not coherent. I feel really lost, a few days ago, I was even hesitating while spelling my surname. Moreover, I have no filter at the moment when I speak and I am afraid of ending up annoying or upsetting people because of the things I can say while upset or angry.

I feel so lost like I never been in my whole life, and this is part of the reason I came here to tell my story because I needed to let it go and try to explain how I feel and how I am living the situation. Without him, I feel like I don't have a home anymore, I just feel stranded in the country I am living in for more than 2 years.

 I miss him so much and I know he will be the only one able to help me, but I needed to say how I felt and maybe being heard or read by a person who will understand how I feel

Thank you for reading


 

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Hello
« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2019, 09:14:22 PM »
Sending you a welcome hug  :hug:

It is so hard for people to say the right things, people mean well but when they havent lost a loved one they cannot comprehend the pain/feeling.  It is truly a rollercoaster with very confusing emotions - I found it so valuable to be able to come here, say how I felt and be understood. Hope the forum can be that for you too xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Sandra61

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Re: Hello
« Reply #2 on: March 13, 2019, 09:38:28 AM »
Hello Aure,

I am so very sorry you are going through this. It's a horrible, horrible accident to have happened. Of course you feel lost and robbed of your future together. It is bad enough to lose a partner after having enjoyed a full life together, but this must have been so completely unexpected and having happened at what should have been such a happy event is terrible too. It must be so hard for you to have come this far. You should not blame yourself though. It is not your fault. It's just one of those awful accidents that can happen in life. It was no one's fault. Instead, think of the happiness you brought into your fiance's life and he into yours. That's what counts. In spite of the pain you are going through now, I bet neither you nor he would have chosen never to have met and shared all that you did together. These memories are your treasure now. I'm sure you wouldn't be without them for the world and he would surely say the same.

I cannot imagine what you are going through, but any loss devastates your life, so I am not surprised to read how you are feeling. I think all you can do is try to take things one day at a time. This is so often the advice here, so it may sound cliche, but it is also the most sensible suggestion. Recovering from something that so massively affects your life is a long and difficult path and will take a very long time. You do feel like it will and can not ever get better, but slowly you need to try to find a way forward and after suffering such a huge blow, one day at a time is all you can manage and that is hard enough. It might help to concentrate for now on finding a way to preserve and honour your memory of your fiance. Perhaps put together an album of favourite pictures and a memory box with momentos that you can turn to when you are feeling low. Writing down each day how you are feeling and what thoughts are going through your mind was also something I found helpful. It also sometimes helps to revisit places you enjoyed visiting together and taking walks in the park to just allow yourself time to process your thoughts and feelings.

Sadly, this is not something you can change. What has happened, has happened, so now it is all about you and finding a way forward and trying to recover and take it all in. I think it helps to try to do this in a way that you can feel you are taking your lost loved one with you and live your life doing some of the things you would have liked to do together and to live your life for him. You have your dog. Your dog is something you shared together, so he should be a comfort. You can make a list of some of the favourite meals your fiance used to make for you and perhaps join a cookery class and learn to cook them for yourself. It can help to have somewhere to go each week that gets you out of the house and amongst other people. It will take you out of yourself and I am sure your fiance would be proud of you for trying to learn to cook for yourself. You might find some new friends and that might help.

Whatever you choose to do going forward, it will be so hard, but using the strength and knowledge that he loved you so much and would not have chosen to leave you should help. He clearly had a deep love and faith in you, so you can use that to find it in yourself. Take your time and don't be too hard on yourself. Accidents sadly happen and this sounds like one of the most awful ones I have ever heard of. All you can do now is try to take care of yourself and take things slowly. Don't pay too much attention to the insensitive things others say. Often, as Emz says, people just don't understand how loss affects someone until it has happened to them and that can make you feel very alone. You are not alone on this website though, Aure. We have all lost someone here and arrived here because we felt lost and alone and like no one understood, just as you do now. It is a natural way to feel when you are grieving and those people who have told you the things that they have, just have no idea how you feel and no comprehension of just how hard it is to recover from something like this.

Sadly, you will probably never recover. I don't think any of us ever really recovers from any loss. You do learn to accept and live with the grief in time however, because life goes on and you have no choice. It is more a matter of allowing this pain to become part of you and slowly finding a way to go on that allows you to continue to carry your love for that person forward with you into your future. And you do have a future, Aure. You are struggling now, but, as soon as you feel strong enough, make a plan and a list of practical things you need to do to start building that future and work your way patiently through it. You will get there and you will find a way to live with all that has happened. You will find the strength by carrying your fiance and his memory in your heart with you wherever and whatever you end up doing. It might be that you decide to move to somewhere your fiance would have liked to live too or it might be that you feel you need a complete change of scene and go somewhere new and do something different, but he will still be there with you, in your heart, giving you strength. Whatever you choose to do is OK.

One day at a time; a plan of priorities and a list; a way of preserving your memories and be gentle with yourself and dismiss the silly things other people may say to you. No need to be unkind; they just don't understand, I think doing all that will take time and that is OK. Acceptance needs to come before you will be able to see a way forward first, but come it will in time. Keep talking to us on here too. That might help also.

Once again. so very sorry, Aure. Sending you strength and a huge hug..xx :hug:

Offline Karena

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Re: Hello
« Reply #3 on: March 13, 2019, 12:10:21 PM »
Hi Aure
I can only really repeat what Sandra61 has said.

I have been widowed twice and the first time i was also a lot younger -  We were not officially married -engaged and had a ring blessing ceremony in the hospital but sadly the registrar wasnt able to get it organised to make it legal in time despite the best efforts of the hospital staff.

With his famiilys agreement i changed my name too his by deed poll as a way of honoring him really maybe that is something you might like to consider in the future.. His familly will also be grieving of course but maybe in time if you ask them they might like the idea.
Years later when i married Keith, he was happy for me to keep Marks name , and i have double barrelled it with his (which makes me sound a lot posher than i am).

As Sandra says, dont blame yourself - guilt is a part of this horrendous journey and we will all find a way to hold ourselves responsible - all those should have done or should have said something different voices in our heads go round and round and in the end get us no-where - Accidents do happen and there is no way you could have known which direction to look in. :hug:

After Mark died i filled my life with college - i went back to finish a course i had started as i had promised him i would and then just carried on doing more and more -I  think probably too much which meant i hadnt procesed the grief very well at all.
Keith had lost his wife to cancer around the same time and we talked too each other  - there was no where like this to come and no-one else to talk too who really understood and yes people saying move on etc etc then not understanding that it isnt so simple as they imagine .

That friendship was ther a long time before either of us realised it had become something more -and even then we were both afraid of being hurt again - knowing that one of us would be -but love does find a way and so we married.
When he also died i was lost - the one person i could talk too had gone there was no activity to bury my head in,boring job etc etc -i did have our dog Ben then though,  and  i was at work Keith was retired -  so he was the pack leader as far as Ben was concerned.
Both me and Ben were grieveing but i had to become pack leader and make that adjustment with a dog who was already quite elderly  - but we did it eventually.
Ben  was the one thing that got me out of bed - he had to be fed he had to be walked etc.

Keith did the cooking - i knew how to cook but in all honesty i couldnt be bothered cooking for myself - i didnt think i was worth making the effort for -

Then there was all the DIY stuff - he was a mechanic before going into teaching and now i had to somehow learn, and keep our crumbling old campervan on the road because we had spent so many happy times in it, i had lost my home i couldnt afford it on just my wage but to then  lose the van as well would have been unthinkable.

 The list was endless of things i had to learn to do on my own,  i am still learning - but all the time of doing so, i am talking too him in my head almost as if he is there watching - probably laughing at some of my basic errors, cringing when i do something and hurt myself, but still always there, the voice in my head that says try again - try it this way -you can do it - and really that applies to everything i do not just practical tasks.

I did decide that i would live my life for him - and that came from a horrid place of thinking i had nothing to live for, for myself, but that has changed now too - i needed the confidence living for him brought me and to get myself over or round the barriers to doing it, in order to live for myself as well.

-Mark has never been forgotten either and in the same way i think of him as still being some-one important in my life - My name now represents two people who i have had the privalege of having been loved by in my life, and that love is what has shaped me into who i am and will shape me into who i will become in the future

 The bonds we form with people change when they die, but they never have to be brocken, you never have to stop loving them,and that doesnt mean there will never be a space for some-one else, i never imagine there would be after Mark,  but  only you will know if that person comes into your life,  no one else.

Anger is also a natural thing to feel - how can we not be angry when our future has been taken away like that, i didnt deal well with that - i turn anger onto myself rather than others which is also an unhealthy thing to do, but there are ways you can get rid of some of it without being rude to people who are tryying to help.

While i have been on this site i have known people  who drove out to remote places and screamed, and people who saved their glass then took it to recycling bins and smashed the glass loudly (but safely) - i discovered eventually, walking very quickly up a hill used so much energy there was none left for anger - having a young dog is the perfect excuse for that. 
So be the mad lady with the dog - it is fine to do that and to be her, it doesnt mean you wont become some-one else later,  or that it is all you will be even if she remains with you. :hug:

As the others said take one day at a time - its like a roller coaster some will be horrendous then in time some will be a bit better before you hit a dip again - so you need to let that happen, be glad of the better days and treasure them in order to get you through the worst ones and be kind too yourself, not impatient when you feel you are going backwards.

Offline Aure

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Re: Hello
« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2019, 04:30:30 PM »
Hello,

Thank you very much for having took the time to replied to me with such inspiring and kind messages.
That is really nice of you all.
I will take your advices and think about applying it days after days.

Since my last post, I did decide to seek professional help. I was becoming hard to handle for my mum and my sister and I was hurting them even if I did not meant it. So I went to talk to a professional. They decided to meet me twice a week at the beginning and reduce the appointments frequency when we will feel it is the right moment.
As you unfortunately already know, it is unbearable but I want to make an effort and give the psychiatrist a chance to help. I owe that to my family, his family, my friends and to him. I know Jason would want me to get some help.

I think the change of the name is a beautiful gesture. Unfortunately I can not do the same. As a Belgian national, Belgian does not authorise change of name even for marriage. He was really upset by this law as he really wanted us to have the same name. It is not much but I change my name to his on Facebook. It does not have much value but it is important to me and he would have been proud to see I chose to put his name.

Following advices, I try not to think about the long term plan as it stress me and upset me too much.
At the moment I just decided to go to the cinema and see dumbo. It’s a plan we had, so I decided to go and buy a ticket for him as planned.
Then I will stick it in our adventure book. We have an adventure book like Carl and Ellie in Up, He is really proud of our book and was taking a great care of the book, I will take care of the book for us both.

Thank you again for your lovely messages, your words were really comforting


Offline Sandra61

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Re: Hello
« Reply #5 on: March 22, 2019, 10:01:34 AM »
Hi Aure,

That sounds like a great idea and it is good to hear that you are getting some help and finding some comfort here. I think the adventure book sounds lovely and to continue it for both of you sounds a really good idea. It will at least give you an on-going connection with your fiance and an incentive to keep doing more things to keep it going.

It sounds like you are really making an effort to move forward in a positive way and that's great. Keep at it, Aure!

Thinking of you..xx :hearts:

Offline Karena

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Re: Hello
« Reply #6 on: March 22, 2019, 11:20:37 AM »
I want to see that film as well. keeping your adventure book going is a lovely idea - :hug:

just a thought with the name change, maybe you could make his surname your middle name - it doesnt have to be done legally if it cant be  -but if every time you wrote your name or signed something -you also wrote his - would that help - doesnt even have to be his full name - you could sign with the initial -
so as an example if your name was Aure Smith and his was Jason Evan, you could become Aure Evan Smith or just Aure E smith  - signature A.E. Smith and if in the future anyone asks you what the E stands for you can tell them and with pride in having that name - the only thing you might have to do on the legal front is give your bank copies of your new siganture.