Author Topic: Anger and control  (Read 288 times)

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Offline Mumless

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Anger and control
« on: February 03, 2019, 09:08:37 PM »
Hi I'm hoping to connect with people who have experienced a similar reaction to grief.

To give you a background.

I was very close to my wonderful kind and caring mum. When I got married she started to change personality wise and we realised something wasn't right but as she'd recently suffered from depression we presumed her personality change was linked to her medication and sent her to the Dr for a check up.

He wasn't happy so scheduled some tests, but as a family, we honestly thought nothing of it. Just presumed it was standard procedure, and we all supported my mum but carried on with life as normal, as did she.

After the wedding we were lucky enough to fall pregnant quickly. The first person I wanted to tell was my mum. I picked up the phone to call her and my aunty answered saying she had just popped in to see my mum and my mum had had a funny turn when she was with her and they were literally waiting for an ambulance.

I rushed to the hospital, which is two hours away from where I live, and the Dr's thought she'd had a stroke and were awaiting brain scans. But by this point she seemed OK again. It felt so strange going from such exciting news to such terrifying news in a blink of an eye at the same.

My mum was discharged from hospital a few days later and we decided to keep the pregnancy news quiet until we knew my mum was OK even though I was desperate for her to know as she was so keen to by a grandma and this was her first grandchild.

Then we got the results. My mum had something wrong with her brain. Very long story short, she was given 3-5 years to live. We couldn't believe it.

I can't actually describe how that felt. My mum had been through so much we didn't want to tell her about the pregnancy until we knew baby was OK, as if I lost the baby I don't think she would have coped. So we waited until the 20 week scan to tell her, and then a couple of weeks later tell the rest of the family.

She was escatatic but her speech had gotten so bad by this point and her personality was changing rapidly due to the disease that I was barely recognising her as my mum.

As the pregnancy progressed, so did my mums illness. Far from being an amazing mum and daughter time (I always imagined when I got pregnant one day that me and my mum would spend my maternity together, go shopping, go out together, have coffee together and eventually when baby arrived we'd spend days with baby together), I spent my time juggling midwife appointments with hospital appointments for my mum.

It was a huge life shift and shock in such a small space of time. I was gaining a baby each day, whilst loosing my mum. It felt so surreal.

Then she got sicker and sicker and sicker the more pregnant I became. And by the time I gave birth she was wheel chair bound, coudnt speak or eat, couldn't hold the baby and during the first few weeks of motherhood I was caring for a newborn, adjusting to motherhood, and caring for my incredible mum who was wasting away before my very eyes. My babies first weeks of life were spent travelling to be with my mum, care for her and be with her

She died when my baby was 7 weeks old. 10 months from diagnosis. Far far from the 3-5 years they'd predicted.

I was so grief stricken, but I barely had a chance to process it. My baby wasn't even two months old and I was arranging a funeral for my mum. To make it worse my baby was very very high needs and demanding of constant feeding, cuddling, wouldn't sleep and wouldn't be held or comforted by anyone but me. I put all my energy into caring for her and I was getting maybe 2 hours sleep a night if that.

It's now been two years. I'm a stay at home mum. I have no family around me and cut off a lot of family after my. Mum died as it was too painful to see them as they still had their family and just didn't understand. I didn't tell them this I just distanced myself. My baby is still high needs and still doesn't sleep well. I've never had a nights sleep on over two years. 

I love being a mother, and get by just fine. My baby isn't the issue.

But the sleep deprivation and grief has completely changed me as a person. Towards other people that are not my baby or dogs, I can be grumpy, blunt, short tempered, and I have a desire to control everything. Not big things, but tiny stupid things.

I get frustrated at my husband if he doesn't do things my way like put the remainder of dinner in the right bowl in the fridge. I get bugegd by stuff that would just never have bugged me before. I get impatient with things that I'd previously never have batted an eyelid at. I don't empathise as well as I used to, or appear as caring as I used to be. I really dislike other families and alienate myself from seeing other families together, although I don't openly admit this I just integrally adjust my life to avoid things.

I have a large social life with other mummies I see everyday, but I never ever discuss my mum or my family as its too painful.

It's like I'm living two different lives.

My friends life where I'm happy and kind and almost in denial

And my family or husbands family life where I'm blunt and closeted and angry and bitter and controlling because I miss my mum much

Please help 

Offline Emz2014

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Re: Anger and control
« Reply #1 on: February 04, 2019, 07:48:02 AM »
Sending you a welcome hug  :hug:
Having two very different journeys at the same time must have been so confusing :-(
I did find the 2nd year brought its own challenges, and there were many times I didn't feel or react like 'me'.  But it has got easier and I have discovered 'me' again - albeit I am a slightly different 'me'
I found on my journey it really helped to be able to talk, how feeling to just talking about our loved one. Hope you find the forum a support xx
Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. 
Hold on in there xx

Offline Karena

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Re: Anger and control
« Reply #2 on: February 11, 2019, 05:18:00 PM »
two massive life changes so close together is bound to take its toll and sleepless ness wont be helping - but also i think when we lose some-one like that we also lose control of out lives as the foundations turn to sand under our feet and perhaps in trying to regain it we can very easilly focus on things which on the face of it are not as important as they seem - and we have to re-balance that but its not easy to do - it will even out over time - and anger is a fairly normal part of grief so please dont be hard on yourself over that. :hug:

Online Sandra61

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Re: Anger and control
« Reply #3 on: February 12, 2019, 12:45:36 AM »

So sorry to hear about your mum. It must be very confusing for you to be experiencing such vastly contrasting experiences at the same time. Both loss and new motherhood are massive life-changing events, especially when it's your mum you lose. I don't think any other loss is quite the same, especially at a time like that, when you expect to feel happy and to be sharing your new situation with your mum. It must also have been very painful to watch your mum slowly deteriorating over time and must still be hurting you very much. As you say, sleeplessness just makes everything harder to cope with and this is a very common problem for anyone who has suffered a loss, so may be partly due to that, rather than just due to your baby needing you.

I found it helped to write down what I was feeling every day after I lost my mum. Somehow it helps you work out your thoughts and feelings and makes you feel a little better, plus, at a later date, you can go back and read over them and see how much progress you have made since, in coming to terms with all that has happened to you. Feeling short tempered is probably also due to your general fatigue and upset. Have you considered going to the doctor to see if they can help, not necessarily with medicine, but with organising counselling for you? It can help to talk it all out with someone not connected to the family or to your group of friends. You can tell a professional all the things you say you are not saying to your new mum friends or your husband or family. It might be worth considering.

It might be good to put together a memory box or a photo album too, so that when your baby is older, you can share your memories of your mum with your child. Just creating that will help bring back some of the good memories you have of her too, so that you focus less on the bad ones of when she was so ill.

Also, you can always talk to all of us here on the forum or on the Facebook Group. There's usually someone around whatever the hour and we all understand what you are going through and might be able to suggest other strategies that might help you.

I hope you find some help here. I know I have.

Sending hugs and lots of sympathy...